Is this considered stalking?

Breastalicious called me last night to wish me a happy birthday. I am disturbed by this on so many levels. We went on one date, back in April. Why does he still have my number? Furthermore how does he know when my birthday is? And why, 8 months after the fact, does he suddenly feel the need to apologize for making a bad impression? I am SERIOUSLY creeped out.

Friday Gratitude

I have been very busy preparing for the holiday. I have faced many stumbling blocks. Will my bananas ripen in time to make the bread? How much paprika should I put in the herb paste for the $120 rib roast? Will the farmer's market have garlic on Saturday or will I have to buy it at the store?
Last night on the news I saw a family in the middle east who has been displaced from their home because of sectarian violence. They have faced many stumbling blocks. Where will they go after the holiday? The landlord is kicking them out. Will the father be able to find a job? The mother has been killed. Will they be able to have dinner tonight? There is no money, and even if there was, there is no food to buy.
The father had just gone grocery shopping and he spread out what he was able to buy so that the camera could get a good shot. It was all cans. A can of peas, a can of some sort of meat. There were maybe 6 cans of food and who knows how long it will sustain the family.
I am profoundly grateful for where I live and who I am. I am grateful for my conscience, which is demanding that I spend more of my time and resources helping those less fortunate. I am grateful that I have my family and the biggest of my worries as far as they are concerned, is who will be the first to cry on Christmas. I am grateful for the opportunity to redefine "stumbling blocks" and realize that what I have are inconveniences at best. I am even grateful for the media, without whom I would not be able to have this attack of conscience. I pray that the universe will help that family and all the other ones who are struggling. Please, help them find some peace.

Wednesday Bitchery

This Wednesday's Bitchery is about itchy sweaters. Let's recap where we are as a society. We have people living in outer space. We are finding possibly habitable rocky planets around other suns. The FDA is considering whether it should warn people when they are buying cloned meat for their dinner table. And we can't figure out a material to make sweaters with that doesn't ITCH??? I mean, people. Seriously. Something must be done. Preferably by next Christmas since that's the only time I wear sweaters.

Friday Gratitude

I am grateful for several things! First, I got an A in that master's class. Whew! Glad that's over with. Secondly, I am going to see the Indigo Girls on Monday night courtesy of my favorite brother-in-law! Ok, he's my only brother-in-law, but still. What a nice thing to do! Third, I got the day after the concert off work. YES! An extra day to myself to get ready for the holiday. Fourth, and here's something the universe sent me and it is profound. You know those riding chairs they sell to old people? Kind of like wheelchairs but they are electric, to increase mobility? On my way to the craft store this past week, driving along a very busy road, I saw an old man who had tipped his little scooter over in the crosswalk, and he was trapped inside the chair part, struggling furiously. He must have been terrified... there were cars whizzing by and even though he was in the crosswalk, he couldn't get up. So I put the hazard lights on immediately and pulled to the shoulder to help him. I went over and made a joke about taking the corner too fast, and smiled at him, and he grabbed my hand. I put my arm around his waist and pulled him up. At that moment I had a flash of memory of helping my grandmother up. And I was grateful for my grandmother, I think for the first time in my life, because I knew exactly what to do for this little old man. I got him settled back in his chair and he went on his merry way, and I could see why he tipped over because he was the Mario Andretti of the old people scooters. I am humbled by the wisdom of the universe and thankful to finally have a good feeling associated with my grandmother. It's about freaking time.

I have a Thursday Divinity!

I went to a cookie exchange. What is more divine than this? Nothing, I tell you!

Wednesday Bitchery

Today I am bitching about Secret Santa. Every year I think, "How fun! I'll sign up." Then, I proceed to do all kinds of fun things for the person I drew, while the person who drew me does NOTHING. Then, I think, "They'll make up for it on the last day with something really great." Then I get "The Chipmunks Sing Christmas" or something lame like that. Why? Why? Why???

Quote for the Week

"This is the Nixon administration without the competence." - Joe Biden

Go Joe! If you had a vagina, I would totally change my vote.

Want to see how I'm spending my weekend?

I am writing my stupid, boring twelve- to fourteen-page paper that all sounds a lot like this:

Geometry is that part of mathematics dealing with size and relative positions of shapes and the space they occupy. The use of language is important to geometry because it requires descriptions of the objects being studied in very specific terms. Geometric language is rife with polysemy. For example, consider the 8th grade geometry standard, “Identify the planar geometric figure that is the result of a given rigid transformation” (Arizona Department of Education). This standard is not written in student-friendly language, but the language used gives some insight into the vocabulary necessary to master the standard. The everyday language definition of the word “transformation” is generally used to describe an object that changes into something else. The technical definition as it applies to geometry is very different. In the case of the standard mentioned previously, the object retains its original size and shape, but moves to a different location by way of a set of specific steps. The word “rigid” usually implies a lack of movement. In this case, it identifies a specific type of movement on the coordinate plane. Geometry includes conjectures, theorems, and proofs that are constructed of the language of geometry in the technical math register. Learning at this stage requires a knowledge and understanding of an entirely new vocabulary, plus the technical meanings of words that may already be familiar to the student, but take on an entirely new meaning in the context of geometry.

Now, don't you feel glad you have your life and not mine?

Kangaroos can save the world!

Well, more specifically, kangaroo farts can save the world.

Ok, seriously?

I do not want to go to work. I'm not even sure I want to be a teacher anymore. Yesterday ended with a kid saying "fuck you" on his way out the door. In front of the rest of the kids. I am so embarrassed, and that pisses me off. Why should I be embarrassed for HIS bad behavior? I can't figure out what is happening with my emotions. All I know is I am really reacting badly to this

Wednesday Bitchery!

Today's bitchery is about standardized testing, as I am prone to complain about it at the end of every quarter. Specifically, my district's testing. Specifically, the 7th grade test for 2nd quarter. The tests always contain multiple mistakes. For example, the 7th grade test I am administering has one question that lists the same answer choice for A and B. That same test has pattern questions, and one is to find the next two terms of the pattern. Later on in the test, another question lists the exact same pattern, including one of the missing terms, and asks the students to identify the pattern. Now, whether or not these kids will have their shit together enough to realize that the 2nd problem gives away the answer to the 1st is questionable. All it does is make the results of those 3 questions invalid. So I told the curriculum person at my school that those 3 items were invalid, and he didn't know what I meant. I had to explain to him that on those 3 items, we won't know whether the kids got it right because the test gives the answers away, or they got it right because they knew the content. I don't expect the average person to understand this... I do expect the curriculum specialist to already know it. Why is it that he is in a position of authority and I know more about testing than he does??? The 8th grade test has five invalid items. It wouldn't be a big deal except that we send kids to summer school based on the results of this test. If there are 45 questions, and 5 of them are bad, then statistically our error margin for sending kids to reteach is 10%. Kind of high, especially if it were my kid. I probably shouldn't even be talking about it, because I really don't want the parents to find out. But my GODDESS, if this isn't worthy of a bitchery, then I don't know what is.

I cried at work.

This last quarter I had a math reteach class. All the kids from the other team who failed their first math benchmark came to me every day for 40 minutes to relearn the math. Then they retook the benchmark test. Some of them made great strides and did really well. That's not why I cried. A few of them actually did worse. That's why I cried. How can you come to me for 40 minutes every day and then take a test, and do worse than you did the first time around? HOW?? Either they are sadistic little shits and just made pretty pictures while filling in the bubbles, or they seriously did not learn a single thing, and not only that but they UN-learned what they knew when they came in. All that planning, all that effort and energy expended on my part, and this is what I get back??!! I just have to focus on the ones that did well. Focus. Focus.

Last day of school!

Tonight is my last U of A class for this semester. WOO HOO!!! Now, that doesn't mean I am done with the class. I still have to finish writing the gargantuan, stupefyingly boring paper and turn it in by December 14th. But no more Monday nights spent with the melange of idiocy that is my group. At least until January.

It's December!

Yay, it's December and I'm so happy about it! December means cold weather, a break from school, a break from teaching, tons of cooking, presents, my birthday, the list is endless! I am grateful for the wind and rain last night even though they kept waking me up. Now I don't have to water my outside plants this weekend. There might be snow on the mountains. I will look when I am on my way to the farmer's market. Monday is my last day of class at the university this semester. My group has a 30-minute presentation to get through. We got together Wednesday to rehearse, and the professor was with us and made suggestions. There is one member of the group who has no independent thought and she reads the slides, but what am I going to do? It's 25% of my grade but I am pretty sure that the professor isn't going to knock me for my group being stupid. I hope I hope I hope. I have to keep a 3.5 GPA in order to retain my fellowship, and this is my first class, so if I get a B I'm in trouble. It's kind of a lot of pressure. I just have to let go and do the best I can. My paper is due December 14th and if I do a really good job on it, then I probably don't have to worry about my grade.

What's your pirate name?

I'm Whisky Wendy the Hermit!!

Is it Christmas?

hee hee!!

FG

My Friday Gratitude was riding home last night with the windows down, smoking and listening to the Indigo Girls with my sister. It was totally awesome, dude.

The finished product

Here is Emily's gingerbread house:


And here is Jessica's:

Make the pie higher!

This is a poem composed of quotes by our fearless leader, George H.W. Bush.

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!


Go ahead, look it up. It's true.

Gingerbread Village!

The houses are ready! Yay!!!!!

That is IT, Tim Russert!

I am not watching your show any more. I have changed the channel in the middle of your vainglorious braggery for the last time. It's the middle of November in one of the most interesting presidential campaign seasons in history, and you choose to spend HALF YOUR SHOW not moderating, but tooting your own bloated horn! You over-latted, bug-eyed, egotistical piece of poop! You have made me do something I really didn't want to do, and that is watch Fox News Sunday. Let me know if you ever decide to go back into politics instead of celebrity endorsements and self-important infomercials about your own show, you swaggering, narcissistic windbag! You, sir, are an IDIOT!

FG

I hear thunder in the distance! It's so exciting!
I'm really thankful for the three-day week, next week. I already have my planning done. Also, my kids want to help me bake the gingerbread houses. Yay!! The holidays are here!

I knew it!

Another reason to hate Starbucks.

List for next weekend

1. Make gingerbread houses for kids to decorate
2. Work on article synthesis for master's class
3. Clean filter for ac/heating unit
4. Clean living and dining rooms, along with rest of house which will again be dirty by the weekend (ok, why again am I doing that?)
5. Lesson plan so I don't have to spend the week frantically planning day by day like I will be doing this week
6. Go to farmer's market for sweet potatoes and green beans, to make yummy thanksgiving dishes (southern style green beans, y'all!)

So the holiday weekend was largely successful. The trees are trimmed, the brush and bulky trash a distant memory (although the sore muscles of the trimming ordeal linger)
and the kitchen light bulbs are changed. The grocery shopping is done and the meals planned although it remains to be seen whether they will actually be cooked. The laundry is at least clean, if not folded or put away.

List for tomorrow

1. Lesson plan for next week, including a formal lesson plan for observation by cognitive coach (asst principal is NEXT week, not this week)
2. Think about working on article synthesis paper for Master's class
3. Clean living and dining rooms
4. Grocery shop
5. Make gingerbread houses for nieces and nephews to decorate on turkey day
6. Clean filter in ac/heating unit
7. fold and put away laundry done last week and this week

You know how it is when you spend three hours doing something you are not used to doing, and then your muscles scream in pain for the next three days? Yeah, I think that's what is coming. I pruned the rosebushes and the two trees in the front yard, and I hurt all over! I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, and did some laundry. Now I absolutely have to lesson plan tomorrow. You would think I might choose that rather than the pruning, but I didn't. What does that tell ya??

List

Well, yesterday I went to the farmer's market and made the soup. Then I got a haircut, which I needed but was not on my list. I picked up my prescription and threw away the magazines I was going to exchange. I planned dinners for next week and started a grocery list. Then I read magazines for the rest of the day. Somehow I managed to add some more things to the list while I was laying around reading. Paving my road with good intentions I guess. Anyway now I have two days and here is my revised list:

1. Lesson plan for next week including a formal lesson plan for observation by cognitive coach (asst principal is NEXT week, not this week)
2. Work on article synthesis paper for Master's class
3. Trim trees and bushes, and put trimmings out for brush and bulky trash pick up
4. Clean house, clean house, clean house!!!!
5. Grocery shop
6. Make gingerbread houses for nieces and nephews to decorate on turkey day
7. Replace flourescent light bulbs in kitchen (this is a must)
8. Clean filter in ac/heating unit
9. Get rid of tomato plant and re-pot basil
10. fold and put away laundry done last week, do laundry from this week

Holiday Weekend

I have three uninterrupted days of alone time! So naturally, I have made a list of things I would like to accomplish, and most of them won't get done. But here is the list anyway:
1. Go to farmer's market for produce
2. Make soup with said produce (already made the chicken stock, yay!)
3. Lesson plan for next week including two formal lesson plans, one for
observation by asst. principal and the other for observation by cognitive coach
4. Work on and possibly finish article synthesis paper for Master's class
5. Trim trees and bushes, and put trimmings out for brush and bulky trash pick up
6. Clean house
7. Go to Bookman's to exchange magazines for credit
8. Pick up prescription at the drugstore
9. Grocery shop and plan dinners for the week
10. Make gingerbread houses for nieces and nephews to decorate on turkey day
Ok, so we'll see how much I get done.

The Saddest Song in the World

Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

i heard there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music, do you
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah

hallelujah...

well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

hallelujah...

baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

stupid parents

I have about 125 students. Yesterday I noticed that one of them turned in a worksheet packet that was completely blank. This packet had been three days worth of class work and homework, and the kid hadn't done a single problem. So I went through the stack of papers I had graded but not yet returned, and found two more things of his that were incomplete, and by incomplete I mean practically blank. The kid isn't doing jack. So I wrote an email to the parent yesterday, explaining the situation and asking her to talk to her son about this. I want to know what the problem is. Does he not understand the work or is he being lazy? So the kid tells the mom that he did the packet and turned it in, and he thinks he remembers getting two of the same thing and handing one of them in finished and the other one in blank. And the mother believes him. So she writes back asking me to look for the other packet. What am I, @D*%& stupid? I take the time out of my day to investigate this situation, look at the grade book to make sure there's no mistake, and write to the parent asking for help. And this is what I get back. So I wrote again saying I think the three of us need to meet and look at the work he has been turning in. JESUS CARTWHEELING CHRIST I hate this job sometimes.

Ask Tionna

Need a good laugh?
It's like Dear Abby on crack.

FG

I am grateful for November. November means cooler weather, possibly precipitation, and time with my family.

Silver lining...

One good thing about having the stomach flu is that your stomach shrinks, and then afterward you can eat just a little bit and be full. Is that an unhealthy thought?

icky, icky

Icky germs! Now 2 students in my district have had staph infections! Won't these teenagers just take a shower? WHY NOT?

Friday Gratitude

Today I am thankful because I am an American, and in particular, a Tucsonan. My country has its faults and Lord knows I can't stand our leader - but I have grown up in a country where there is plenty of everything to go around. People aren't killing each other over religious differences. We have freedom of speech, and a working democracy. The part of our country and my city I am most thankful for is the people. I am thinking about this because of the fires in California that have destroyed people's homes and places of employment. I can already see the reactions of the people in my city. Someone in my school district is organizing a drive to collect toiletries for those people. I saw on the local news that other organizations are rallying to support those who have lost everything. I suspect it will be like when Katrina hit and the people of New Orleans were devastated. When the rest of America realized what was happening, there was an outpouring of time, money, material things, and a willingness to help. When people are in trouble, there are a whole lot of Americans who ask what they can do to help. I think that is a really great thing. It makes me proud.

I didn't walk.

I haven't exercised since last Thursday. Not only that but I ate a Big Mac and fries for dinner. Then some ice cream. Ugh.

Friday Gratitude

I am borrowing from the idea of Thursday Divinity from my sister, but changing it just a bit. I'm working to have a positive outlook and a big part of that is being grateful for the things that happen in everyday life. And yesterday was a biggie!
I had one of my math classes in groups yesterday and I was walking around, monitoring their conversations. I had given them some quite difficult percentage problems to do and they were just getting started. I heard one of the girls kind of sigh, "Man, I love this class." Her friend replied, "Yeah, it's pretty much my favorite."
TALK ABOUT IT, SISTER! Two girls, and 8th grade math is their favorite class! I am so grateful for the path that led me here. I spent many years kind of wondering about the reasons for my existence, besides perpetuating the species. Now I have something that I love doing, and on top of that I am actually pretty good at it! I'm grateful for the support of my family because I would not have got through college otherwise. I am also grateful to them for listening to me bitch and moan my way through my degree. I am grateful for all the perceived hardships along the way, because in hindsight, they gave me all the experiences I needed in order to be successful as a teacher. I'm grateful for my kids, because they always believed I could do it. You know that commercial where the mom is studying and the little boy brings her a peanut butter sandwich? That's how my kids were. I'm grateful for the chance every day to go to work and change some teenagers' ideas about school and math.
So, there you have it! My first Friday Gratitude.

So tired.

It's the end of the third day back. I started eating right again and working out again on Monday. So I'm really tired.

Back to the old grind.

I didn't work at all over break. Not once, not even for a minute. It's like riding a bike... when we come back it's like I never left except I have my patience back and I don't feel like I am going to die from being so tired. The kids are never as happy to see me as I am to see them!

Who am I kidding?

OMG, too much to do. Panicking. Want to do everything, want to be Wonder Woman. Knowing I have too much to do, I choose to blog about it instead of getting busy. Not very wonder-woman-ish.

The Big Idea

It takes two hours to get the windshield replaced, so my big idea was to work on my paper during that two hours. Clever, right? Great use of time. Well, turns out it's only clever if I actually work on my paper instead of f*cking off on the internet, which is what I am presently doing. Cursed free wireless access nearly everywhere I go! But really, now I'm going to get busy. Really, now. Seriously. Right now. *sigh* dammit

Last Day of Vacation

This vacation I cleaned out the garage, had surgery, spent quality time with family, cleaned my room and rearranged furniture, painted the shelving unit that's been on the back porch for eons, sprayed for bugs, and attended a math teacher's conference. I've worked on my project for my Master's class. I'm about to go get the windshield on my car replaced. Oh, and I bought and used local produce. Yeah! But there is still so much left to do! I have to write a four page paper, do the reading assignment for Monday night's class, clean the house so my BFF who is coming tomorrow doesn't see it like this, take my daughter halfway to PHx to see her dad, and I guess that's it. Maybe not so much after all. Oh wait, I am going to try a new gym and a different workout that includes kickboxing moves, and also go to the farmer's market.
Also my mental health homework is to start keeping a diary of when I set boundaries in my every day life. If someone asks me to do something, and I can't do it, and I tell the person I can't do it, that's setting a boundary. If I need help and I ask for it, that's somehow connected to boundaries but I don't remember how. So I am supposed to keep track of that. Reading over this I guess I understand why I am feeling just a bit overwhelmed. Better get started.

Things I should do today

1. Try different sushi restaurant with sister
2. Choose 3 papers and write synthesis paper on the papers
3. Clean disgusting bathroom
4. Take daughter to pediatrician's office for shot
5. Write stupid, boring and mundane blog entry (done)

My Seinfeld thing

Why do I do it? I meet someone perfectly nice, and then I start picking them apart like a nice loaf of monkey bread. (Monkey bread... mmmmm) I guess I'm just not ready to date.

My achin' back

Marianne and I were talking about how we have lists of things we want to get done while we are not working. One of my things was the shelving unit I have had on the back porch for quite some time. I wanted to get it painted and then use it as an extra bookshelf and a couch table, to put behind the loveseat because it's just the right height. So, this morning I got the thing painted! Done! GOD my back hurts. Anyway, that's not the problem. The problem is that now it's done, and I put it behind the loveseat and put books on the shelves, and now I don't like how it looks! I am going to have to do some rearranging. And super duty heavy cleaning because my BFF from Pinetop is coming to visit on Saturday and I don't want her to see how I really live. Now I have to go find the heating pad.

Bastards!!

So last night I dragged my two kids and my sister to downtown Tucson. The goal was to go on a walking historic ghost tour through some downtown places that are supposed to be haunted. (BTW Marianne, Heart Five is on the list of stops. So you were right.) We got there super early and circled the block a few times looking for a Starbucks. When it was time, there were a total of 16 people waiting for the tour. Guess who never shows up? You got it, the tour guide. Unless the tour guide was netherworldly and none of us saw him/her/it. I was so disappointed. I got home and wrote an email to the place that is advertising the tour, and haven't heard back yet. Now I want to go for free, since they jerked me around. AND, I had BETTER see some ghosties.

I got it together

Yesterday I read papers, went to see a very funny movie with my sister and daughter, met with my team for my master's program, and then had a date! The date was even OK! Except the guy called an hour after the date. Bad sign. Clingy. Or, I guess I could look at it as a good sign. He's interested.

I can't seem to get it together

This is the middle of week two in my three week break from work. I try not to plan to do very much during the break, because I actually just need the time off! But I did plan to catch up on my reading for my master's class. So far I just have not done any of it. I'm putting together a puzzle, driving all over creation looking for new restaurants to try, watching court shows until my eyes bleed, and just generally being on vacation. But today I have a meeting with my team, and we are supposed to develop an interview, so I have work to do. Blah!

October 1st

Here is my newest work, titled "October 1st."

I'm really happy with it.

Teaching Gap

I am reading a really great book for one of my master's classes. It's called "The Teaching Gap" and it's about the latest TIMSS study, where 8th grade math classrooms in the US, Japan, and Germany were videotaped, analyzed, and compared. Part of the justification for the study is that teaching in the US is in need of an overhaul, but not everybody agrees on that. This book spends some time on the interesting concept that teaching is a cultural activity. There is a distinctly American pattern of teaching, just like there is a distinctly Japanese way and a German way. There are some similarities between the three, and some differences. The major difference between the US pattern and the Japanese pattern is that here in the US, the person in charge of doing the math is the teacher. In Japan, the teacher puts a problem up, reminds the students of how they solved a similar problem yesterday, and then lets them go. But back to the cultural thing... I don't think that as a nation we have addressed the fact that our schools were created to educate a specific population of white males. Teachers back then were white and female. Teachers now are still overwhelmingly white and female, and our methods have not changed much. The student base, however, is dramatically different. I agree with the authors in the end - a major overhaul is needed. I think I will start by allowing my students to struggle more - something that is suspiciously absent in the American pattern of teaching math.

They think I'm sane!!

One of my colleagues is having a very hard time at work. She came to me because I am the VP of our union local. She said that she had talked to another of our colleagues last night, and that person told her, "You need to call the sane person, and that's Melissa."
HA!! That just made me feel so good.

It's only life, after all

My new favorite song:
(And letter to my stronger self)

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
Its only life after all
Yeah

Well darkness has a hunger thats insatiable
And lightness has a call thats hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitives
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitives
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as Id been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitives
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

(Indigo Girls)

Evolution of a Workout

Curves has produced motivational CDs for purchase by members. There is spunky music playing in the background, and every 30 seconds, a female voice says a positive affirmation. She says things like, "You are loyal!" and "You are healthy!" At the Curves where I work out, they play these every now and then instead of the regular voice that says, "Change stations now." So yesterday, I was on the arm-curl machine and there is no voice telling me to change stations. My arms are starting to lose feeling, and I said, "TINA!! (that's the gal who manages the place) There's something wrong, it's been more than 30 seconds."
So she goes over to the machine and says, "Ok, 5 more seconds." Then I hear, "You are motivated!"
Well, the whole place erupts in groans and complaints because everyone professes to hate this positive affirmation thing instead of the regular voice saying change stations. And truly, I was grumpy yesterday when I was working out. I had a monster headache all day, the freaking cyst behind my ear hurts, burns, and itches, and my administration PISSED ME OFF. The really funny part is how susceptible I am to that voice, and how my attitude had changed by the time I left. It sorta went like this:
"You are loyal!"
Fuck you. I hate you.
"You are wonderful!"
Wish I could say the same about you. Shut the hell up.
"You are positive!"
Positive I hate you. Jesus Chocolate Christ.
"You are strong!"
You're right, I am strong. I could probably beat the hell out of you.
"You are healthy!"
Well, true enough, this is a very healthy thing I am doing right now. Other than following each positive affirmation with a negative one.
"You are determined!"
Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be here listening to YOU!
"You are wealthy!"
????
"You are beautiful!"
Well yes, I guess you could say that.
"You are loving!"
Most of the time, yes.
"You are loyal!"
True enough.
"You are wonderful!"
Thanks... so are you.
Then I left in a much, much better mood than I was in when I got there.

O M G

The phone call I had been dreading for months finally came. I talked to an investigator from California about the case against my mother's sister's husband (I would say uncle but I refuse to claim him, or my mom's sister for that matter) and found out that the records of my case in Tucson from 26 years ago are nowhere to be found. So I had to relive the whole thing - well, I didn't have to, but I did because otherwise the creep's granddaughters won't be safe from him. It will be a month or so before I find out if they are filing charges against him. I hope it goes to court because I'd really like to testify. I didn't get to do that when I was a kid because he took a plea, which he will probably do again if given the opportunity. I hope he goes to jail and becomes some bruno's girlfriend.
The first two weeks of school are done. Eight more to go until fall break. We have five new teachers on our staff, and two of them are close to quitting. I am surprised every day they show up for work. I feel so sorry for them, because I remember what that felt like, being new to my district and trying to do everything they want us to do, which isn't humanly possible by the way, and trying to decide what was urgent and what wasn't because it all seems urgent, so I would just dissolve in a puddle of tears, which is what these teachers are doing. So I keep dropping what I am doing to help them, which leaves me with a LOT to do over the weekend. So now I've really cooked my own goose because there aren't enough hours to do everything I have to do. Watch:
I have about 10 hours worth of homework for my online class. That's 2 weeks because I haven't done any homework since school started. This is a class that is required by the state of Arizona in order to keep my teaching certificate.
I have about 10 hours worth of lesson planning to do. I didn't get any done over the week, plus I have to plan Tuesday and Thursday for a sub, which takes longer.
I need about 3 hours to clean the house, and that's if my bratty daughters help me, which is a pretty big IF. I'm gonna have to take away their phones and stuff in order to convince them. Ugh.
I have about 2 hours worth of planning for the union meeting, for which I am the vice president, and it will take 2 hours because I've never done it before.
I've already committed to spending Sunday between 1:00 - 5:00 with the new teachers, helping them plan for the coming week.
Sleep is about 16 hours. Won't give any of that up.
The fam is coming Sunday for dinner, so Sunday night is shot.
I have about 2 hours worth of grading papers, which absolutely has to be done. No wiggle room there.
So that is 48 hours worth of stuff, and guess what, I just blew 1/2 hour writing on my blog so I am left with 47.5 hours to do all that. I better get going. And hope I don't have to poop any time in the next 2 days.

Day Three!

I am carpooling today with one of my coworkers. We are going to help each other leave at a reasonable hour. Also she is going to help me with my exercise program. She is a runner, and she changes before she leaves work to make sure she goes. How she goes in this heat, I will never understand. Anyhoo, I told her I am going to change too, and so now I have that accountability piece of sticking with my plan. Plus we're saving gas. So we'll see how that goes.
The students have been great so far. I can't believe how happy I was to see those 8th graders - the ones I taught last year. It's so wonderful to watch them adapt to being 8th graders! They already know my management style, so it has been a breeze working with them. Maybe it's all going to come crashing down, I don't know!

Which teachers are these??

Secondary school teachers are expected to increase in numbers by up to 17 percent by 2014. Salaries are rising as well; the American Federation of Teachers estimates the average salary of all public elementary and secondary school teachers in the 2003-2004 school year was $46,597.

Second Day

The first day went well! The 7th graders are scared to death, as usual. It's their first year of switching classes, and they were exhausted by the end of the day. Of course so were the 8th graders since they've been staying up all night during the summer break. Anyway it went well. Except when I went to lunch, I was taking my food out of the microwave and butterfingered it and it fell facedown on the floor. Luckily the plastic cover saved half of it. And then I dropped my nectarine and made marks all the way down my shirt. But other than that it was good! Here's hoping today is just as good! And that I get to eat my lunch and not wear it!

First Day of School!

Today's the day. I think I am ready. I put a big banner above one of the white boards that says, "If you don't have time to do it right, you must have time to do it over!" That's my favorite part of my classroom decorations. I got a good night's sleep, no bad dreams! And I am really excited about meeting all my new 7th graders.

The First Very Long Day

Today is the first Very Long Day of the school year - Open House. We have high parental involvement so a lot of them will probably be there. They vote for site council representative, find their kids' classrooms, and meet the teachers. It will be a 12-hour day but it's worth it. This way the first contact I have with all those parents will be positive. Then they will react better when I call them in a few weeks to tell them little Johnny is a shit.

I'd just like to point out...

There is a one page writeup in People magazine about whether or not Harry Potter will die in the seventh book. At the bottom of the page there are tips for parents to deal with their children's grief if it does happen. Now, I realize People isn't exactly serious literature. Still, I'm just sayin'... prepare.

Or maybe I'm just an idiot.

I am taking an online class right now so I can learn how to teach people who don't speak English, without speaking their language while I do it. The state is requiring every teacher to take this class, and it's free if I take it online. So last night I am trying to get through chapter 1 of the textbook, and I've been trying to get through it for days and it's just not going well. I keep drifting off, my eyes running over the words but my brain not reading them. I am thinking about everything I still have to do in my classroom before school starts, whether I should have another root beer float, I didn't exercise again today, my clothes are too tight, etc. Every paragraph I do manage to get through I have to go back and re-read at least once. So I finally started to ask, why is this so freaking hard?? I am a reader! And then I saw it. The book is chock full of scintillating gems like this:
"As Erickson and Shultz (1991) have discussed, student comfort with the social participation structure of an academic task, for instance, can vary according to culturally learned assumptions about appropriateness in communication and in social relationships, individual personality, and power relationships in the classroom social system and in society at large." HUH???
And this:
"The model is operationalized in the Sheltered Instruction Observation Protocol (SIOP)." WHAT??? I feel like the Geico caveman.
Here's the best part - the title of the book is "Making Content Comprehensible." They might start by making the freaking textbook comprehensible, dontcha think??

Great quote

"If you hear a voice within you say, 'You cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."- Vincent Van Gogh

It's so good to be home

I left class at 8:30 p.m. and drove all the way to Tucson... that's how desperate I was to get home! The girls stayed awake with me so I wouldn't fall asleep driving. They were really excited to get home too. They've already made plans with their friends for today.
I have one week off before I report for work. I think it will be just perfect. I'm already itching to get back into my classroom, but a quick visit should take care of that because I'll see all the work I have to do and then I'll want to leave.
Flagstaff was awesome and I learned a lot. Hopefully my next trip will be to the Galapagos Islands. Toyota sponsors a program to get teachers there for research.

Battle Scars!!

On Monday, the last time I went out into the field, I was stepping over a dead tree and was not careful enough with my footing. I stepped into a branch and the tip of it drove into my leg and the tip broke off. "Eh..." I thought, "A splinter. It will work itself out." Four days later, with an angry red welt and a black spot in the center of it, I had to call the campus health center and have it looked at. The doctor cut a 1/4" incision in my leg, and it's at least as deep, to dig the thing out! Seriously! It's still numb right now but I think it's going to hurt!

No more cinder pits!

The field work is finished. Yay!! Now I can work on my statistics. I have a spreadsheet for all my data that I can use to run statistical tests on a software program the university uses. Then I am going to do a poster.
The class has been a huge waste of time so far. We all sit and "discuss" topics put up by the teacher, but there are only three people she really wants to hear from, so the rest of us watch while the four of them "discuss." It's a long three hours, let me tell you. It's Mondays and Wednesdays from six to nine, so there's a lot of time to "discuss."
Meanwhile I brought a TV back with me and there is cable in my room, so I am happily sucked into the vortex of food network when I get back to my dorm!

Flagstaff

Here are some pictures of what I am doing on the days I go out in the field. I go two or three days a week. My freckles are increasing exponentially!

Measuring last year's growth...

This is why I'm hot. Walking in the cinders is a lot like walking on the beach.

The puffy brown parts are called strobili. We have to count them.

They can number in the thousands.

This is me and my best friend, Bug n' Sun, out in the field.

I have a question.

It's a research question, mind you. Here's my project for the summer:
What is the effect of scale infestation on mortality of pinyon pines during a drought?
I want to do two things in order to answer this question. First, I want to be a part of the research team that collects data for the project. Basically it's a day long hike slogging around in the cinders, and every 15 minutes or so we find a tree that is tagged with the right numbers and we measure the growth. Not hard. Except that there are about 900 trees. The most important thing for my project will be mapping the trees that have died. As my mentor says, "Death is good for business."
After that is done, I can begin to crunch the numbers. I want to compare the trees that have died a drought-related death to the trees that have died a drought-scale-infected-related death.
Here is my hypothesis: Scale infestation of pinyon pines during a drought increases mortality.
It's more complicated than it sounds, really! Here's the deal: Arizona has been in a drought for about the last 10 years. The pinyon pine population is suffering from three major maladies. First is the drought, then the two insect infestations of moth and scale insects. The moth population decreases during the drought, but the scale population increases. This is all just stupefyingly boring, but it matters not! The trees are dying or dead, and I get to figure out how much of the dead trees died due to drought versus drought combined with scale infestation. So there's my job. I'm sure you were dying to know. Ha!

Scale Insects

Well, I found out what I will be doing for the next few weeks! Well, sort of. For the last 30 years or so, the biological sciences department has been studying the local ecosystem and gathering data. My project is focused on the pinyon tree population. This population is inhabited by two parasitic insects. One is a moth that makes the trees look more like shrubs because it eats the tips of the tree, and the other is a scale insect which looks like a tiny black dot on the needles of the tree. They are barely visible to the human eye. They sit on the needle and suck the phloem out, which eventually kills the needle. So trees that have this insect have branches that are bare except the very tips, which have new growth that the bugs haven't killed yet! Tomorrow is my first day in the field. I sort of get to design my own research, and I am thinking about looking at the seedlings to see if I can figure out how old the trees are before they become infected. I have lots of articles to read and research to do on the scale insect, so I can firm up my ideas and present them to my boss on Thursday. She is very laid back and seems so nice!
Now, I am going to go eat sushi for the 3rd night in a row. I don't care if it's selfish. I'm doing it anyway.

stupid foot

I have located the gym, and I walked there, worked out, and walked home this morning. On the way back I had to get a parking permit, and it took me a while to find the place. Bottom line, I walked for about an hour. Now my foot really hurts. I am going to be very upset if my stupid foot gets in the way of my weight loss goal this summer.

I'm here!

Here are pictures of my room. The temperature is 78 degrees. There are some clouds and some intermittent rain. I have my own room so far. There is another bed, but only my name is on the door! I met my RA earlier and she is a young student. She seems nice. There is a Target right next to the university where I am going to go in a few minutes to pick up things I forgot to bring.
So, so far so good!!

Flagstaff, here I come

I'm heading up to the mountains today! I am so excited! Right now I am at my older sister's house, sitting on her patio. She has a pool with a waterfall that is so nice to listen to. It is very peaceful. Alas, now the sun is in my eyes and I will go inside.

Hot Math Teacher

My armpits are almost back to normal... man, that was some serious pain.
Class yesterday was indeed stupid and boring. There was a very bright spot though... one of the people who is taking the class in order to mentor next year is my daughter's math teacher, who is totally hot. The added pleasure of my daughter being mortified beyond all belief just sweetens the deal. Today said math teacher is going to bring his camera and take a picture of us together doing something math-y, which I will promptly post on Myspace. Oh yes, life is grand.

A work in progress

Today I officially start my master's program! It's a one unit class that goes from today through Friday from 8 a.m. - noon. I've already taken the class under a different name, so it will be stupid and boring, but I will get to meet the people in the program with me. There are eleven of us. All the other teachers are from TUSD. They might already know each other.

Pits

I waxed my armpits yesterday. Of all the self-inflicted pain I have engineered in the name of beauty, this was by FAR the worst. It was even more painful than the infamous Epilady debacle of 1984. It HURT.
I am packing for Flagstaff. I leave on Friday for a training in Mesa for the teacher's union. I foolishly allowed myself to be elected vice-president for the district. Then I'll go from there to check into my dorm room at NAU. I'll post pictures after I get settled in.

At least it's better than plantar warts

My foot has been hurting ever since AIMS. All that walking, and in bad shoes, resulted in an ache that never went away. Last week it started hurting pretty darn bad, and so I went to the doctor and found out it's plantar fascitis. Meaning, in layman's terms, my foot hurts. All I have to do is ice it and stretch it and take ibuprofen, and stop wearing bad shoes even if they are cute.
So I told my principal that I had to wear tennis shoes to work for this last week or so of school. She doesn't care. She's just glad I am still showing up. The students are MISERABLE to be around. They just cannot believe that we still expect them to work. Every day they come in, and look at the white board where I write the learning objective for that day. They see an actual learning objective and start complaining before class even starts!! I think they are hoping by some miracle of tiredness and bad teaching that one day they will walk in, and instead of "I can find the area of a geometric figure," it will say something like, "My teacher is too tired, so I won't be learning today." Or, "It's the end of the school year, so I won't be learning today." Or how about, "My teacher doesn't give a rat's hairy ass, so I won't be doing squat today." BUT NO!!! Tyrant that I am, today we are finding area and circumference in anticipation of starting surface area tomorrow. How dare I, people? HOW DARE I??
The best part is when I remind them that some of them will have me again next year, and the ones that don't will have the dreaded Mrs. Barbier, who is meaner on her best day than I am on my worst. HA! Take that, you pubescent, smelly little monsters!
Oh dear. It appears I have lost track of my softer side once again.

No More!

Not a thing in the way of good news to report. I still haven't been to the gym, I have still been eating everything I want, and I am gaining weight. I keep thinking, after the end of school. After my brother gets back from his trip and I don't have to drive to his house every day after work. After I get my energy level back up. After, after, after! Enough! Enough, I say! I must go to the gym on Monday, and then walk on Tuesday! Then go to the gym on Wednesday, and walk on Thursday. No matter what else is happening! No more excuses! I must! I must! I must!!!

I give up

I'm done with dating. Again. I deleted all my profiles, stopped responding to emails, blocked a bunch of addresses. When I am considering therapy after a bad date, it's time to hang it up! I still have three more dates already scheduled, so I'll go ahead with those but after that I'm done. My expectations of the remaining dates are so low, I'm not even sure if I should still go on them. I'll just try to keep a positive attitude. One of them is a math teacher, so maybe that one will be ok. At least we'll have something to talk about besides the size of my boobs.

Breastalicious???

First, some good news: my tomato plant has brought me a ripe tomato! Behold:


Now, to get something off my chest. Something named Dave. I went out on a date with said Dave last night. It started off great... he did not lie about his age, appearance, or anything else. He has a job, a car, and he seemed to be intelligent. We sat down and ordered beverages, and he complimented me by saying that my picture doesn't do me justice and I should get a new one. I replied that I had just taken that one, and I probably just don't photograph well.
Then he proceeded to apologize to me for looking at my breasts. I attempted to play it off, saying something like, "It happens all the time. I am not sure why you are admitting it." He said, and I quote, "Because you're breastalicious."
You would think my stunned silence and whatever look I had on my face would give him a clue to shut the hell up about my mammaries. But he didn't. He said he works in finance, so you could say he has a head for figures. Hardy, har, fucking har. Then he called me breastalicious AGAIN. I said with the utmost kindness, "I'm feeling rather like a piece of meat right now." Then he finally stopped.
Come to find out he lives with his mother, makes extra money on the side by house sitting, and has a goal to get a master's in education even though he has yet to obtain a bachelor's degree in anything. He pressured me all evening long to come back to the place he was housesitting after dinner. He kept putting his hand on my thigh and I kept brushing it off. Somehow or another I made it through the date, though I probably should have said I was going to the bathroom and left. When I drove away, he was just standing there, staring at me, like he couldn't believe I was actually leaving. Five minutes later he called my cell phone. I didn't answer, and he left this message: "Hey. Call me when you go to bed." Suuuure, Dave. How about GET LOST, dickhead.
I just truly do not understand what makes a man think that he has the right to comment on my breasts. What if I met a man, and within the first few minutes of meeting, said something like, "That's quite a bulge you've got there between your legs." What would that say about me as a person? What would that say about my level of respect for him as a human being? I just do not understand. It makes me want to have them removed. Is it possible for a man to appreciate my body and still respect everything else that is attached to it? Is it just too much to ask? For goddess' sake, they are large bags of fat with some nerve endings at the tip. They do not define me!!

Maybe now?

Today has been a good food day so far, AND I went to the gym. My energy level is finally back up where it should be. Somehow I weigh the same even though I haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks and have been eating pretty much whatever I want. Probably I have lost muscle mass. Well, that's nothing that can't be fixed! So, let's have another one tomorrow just like today.

Finally, a good food day!

I didn't eat any sugar yesterday. None. At work, I ate only what I brought, and for dinner we stopped at Village Inn in between taking the entrance exam at the local community college and shopping for decent clothes to wear for Career Day. I had a very skimpy BLT on sourdough and a small portion of fries. Then I didn't eat anything else before bed. So, it was a victory. I didn't work out, and won't today either because I have a union thing to go to after work, but if I ate well yesterday then I can do it again today.
We were at the community college because my youngest decided on sign language for her foreign language requirement, which I think is very cool. The class, taken at her high school, is actually a college course and will count for college credit! The school is paying for it too! But she has to be admitted to the college, so she took the entrance test yesterday. Then same child has career day today at school where apparently they will be GRADED on their APPEARANCE??!! She has jeans and t-shirts. That's it. The child, in years past, would rather die than be seen in a skirt. But yesterday she picked out a really cute, age appropriate but still very nice skirt and blouse. She looks fabulous in it.
Older daughter has been offered an internship with the U of A, where she will be working the front counter two days a week after school. I hope that if she does well, they will offer her a paying position for the summer. She will be 16 by then. Speaking of which, she will be 16 in ONE MONTH. OH. MY. GAWD.

Seriously

All this looking for my softer side has exhausted me. I don't have energy for anything else. I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I keep talking myself out of it on the way home. I'm just too tired! Seriously, I went to bed at 7 p.m. last night. I had to get up at 9 to pick my daughter up from her student council thing, and she apologized for waking me up. I said no need to apologize! And promptly went back to bed. That's not normal. I am calling the doctor today.

Still looking...

Well, it's been three days now and I haven't found my softer side. My brain hurts from looking. Can I call my arse my softer side? It's soft and squishy and would never hurt anyone. HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!

But what if I don't HAVE a softer side?

I totally lost it today in class and ripped a kid up one side and down the other for lying. In front of the rest of the class. He called his mom, his mom called the principal, I got called in. His mom wants him taken out of my class. Can't say I blame her. So I apologized to the kid, apologized to the mom, explained to her why I was frustrated with her kid, and asked for a week to try and smooth things over before we move him to another class. I think it will all be fine, but the principal thinks I need to look for my softer side. Problem is, I am not sure I have one.

And Again

Yesterday I ate fried food for breakfast, carrots dipped in peanut butter for a snack, salad for lunch, and tuna noodle casserole for dinner. Oh, and two dove ice cream bars. And a giant glass of chocolate milk. I guess it is food diary time again. Testing is over at school, so today we are back to our regular schedule. Possibly that will help me get back on track. My feet hurt from all the walking I did during testing, and that has been enough of an excuse for me to keep avoiding the gym. I am just going to keep writing about this mess until I figure it out. Here's the plan for today:
1. Make my protein shake for breakfast and take my vitamins with it.
2. Pack two healthy snacks and a decent lunch.
3. Track calories for today.
4. Go to the gym after work. No excuses.
5. Don't eat any food at work other than what I pack.
I have to figure out something for dinner now, before I leave, to avoid stopping off to get something quick after work when I am tired and don't care anymore.
Please, forces of the universe, give me strength! I am but a speck in this world, yet I want to be a healthy speck!

Try that again

I worked a 12 hour day yesterday and did not work out. My mental exhaustion is so utter and complete that I feel there is no hope of getting back on track. This week I have had to convince two sets of parents that retention is the best option for their child. The crying, the anguish, the pain on their faces is just more than I can bear. It is rare to see a grown man cry, but tell him his daughter has to repeat the 8th grade and there it is. I feel so deeply for them, but I refuse to throw their kids into a situation where I KNOW they will be overwhelmed. I refuse to just keep pushing them through even though they lack the most basic study skills, not to mention academic ones. It amazes me how many teachers are willing to give up once the parents start crying. Where is their sense of professional duty? As teachers, it is our job to do what we believe will best serve the CHILD. Even when it is difficult and painful.
So, the food was fine yesterday until I went to the teachers lounge for lunch and sat down next to a cake. Then proceeded to eat fried food for dinner because I was so hungry by the time I got to the grocery store, my last stop before home, I bought food from the deli - whatever looked good. Went to bed and had nightmares about my sister fighting a shark, and her husband killing my dad. This morning I just want to cry, go back to bed and just cry myself back to sleep. But instead I will go to work and smile and the kids and tell them this is their last day of testing and THEY CAN DO IT!!!!! Something funny did happen yesterday - I ran out of the snacks the school provided for AIMS testing, so I told the kids I would go to the store and get them whatever they wanted. Know what they asked for? Fresh fruit and beef jerky. All week they have been showing up with crackers, fruit snacks, junk! The school provided crackers - every flavor you can imagine. No protein, no fiber. So then I ask them what they want, and they make the most healthy choice! Too funny. So I got them strawberries, grapes, and beef jerky. I do love my job. I'm just really tired.

Back on Track

I worked out yesterday for the first time in a week and a half, which is good. My goal is to work out again today and keep my food under control. I weighed yesterday at the gym and my week and a half off cost me two pounds. Hopefully I can lose that by the end of the month and get back to where I was. I'm having a hard time with the food right now.

The Stress is Winning

AIMS is next week. Get this - we are testing for four days. The week is five days long. The decision was made from on high, the land of Headupmyass, AKA the district office, that we will test Monday through Thursday. Keep in mind we have tomorrow off, so the kids will come in Monday after a long weekend and BAM! Go cold into the most important test they will take this year. Did it occur to anyone in the land of Headupmyass that Tuesday through Friday might be better? Morons! IDIOTS! I am so pissed. So I bring this to the attention of the curriculum guy, who is administering the test, and he goes, "Great idea! Why didn't you say anything two months ago?"
"OH!" I thought. "Gee, I guess when they asked what us teachers thought, it didn't occur to me... OH, WAIT!! Nobody asked what we thought." What I said was, "I just got the testing schedule YESTERDAY." He said, "Smile! It's going to be ok." I actually YELLED at him, "NO! I am not happy!" and stormed off.
I am trying not to get so worked up over this stupid test. But all I want to do after the school day is over, is come home and eat. And that is what I have been doing. I tell myself that I am choosing to eat to manage my stress, when I could be choosing to work out. I am grateful at least for the awareness. I just feel so powerless and frustrated. I think I must be stressing the students out, in spite of my efforts to put on a happy face in front of them. I just hate this test. I hate the idea that this one test will determine whether they have the knowledge to pass into the next grade. I hate that the State of Arizona will base their opinion of my teaching from the results of this one test.
On top of everything else I have raging PMS, which makes me keep welling up with tears at the most unexpected times. It's kind of embarassing.

First Week Back

I really only had a week off, so I don't know why I am so damn tired this first week back. I can barely function right now. I don't know how I will make it through an entire day, and then I have a date tonight, which I am too tired to even be excited about! I can't imagine going to the gym today, and I need to because I ate boston cream pie yesterday! Things are going really well, though... my bee at Curves got moved again. Last month I lost an inch and a half, five and a half pounds, and my body fat went down by .6%. My students are finally starting to show some growth and maturity. 4th quarter is good for that! I have officially been accepted to the master's program and will start school this summer. I will have an MA in math... how exciting! I'm really looking forward to having math classes again. I'm such a weirdo.
Plus, my sister is moving to my city soon! Yay!! One down, two to go!

How To Date!!

I had a good date last night! Holy cow! He seems normal! No creepy vibes, no intrusive questions, no badmouthing the mother of his children! He paid for the meal, he walked me to my car, he asked me out again at the end of the date! AND he's cute! And employed! In the same job for the last 8 years! He has his own vehicle! He doesn't live with his mother! He's 36 and has been divorced for 10 years! I could tell he wanted to kiss me at the end of the date but he didn't. Instead he rambled on about how I could call him really, anytime I wanted to, about anything. It was very cute. So far today, no contact, which is good... I was afraid I would have 10 messages in my email box like I did the last time I had a good date. So, we'll see where this goes. YAY!!!
PS I forgot the best part. We met from a personal ad, and the first thing he said to me was, "Your picture definitely does NOT do you justice." AWWWW!!!!!

I Heart Jake Gyllenhaal

Yesterday I went and saw Zodiac. It was all right. Then I got a gyros to eat for dinner. I am infused with garlic now and afraid to go to the gym because I might knock everyone down with the odor. Man, was it good though.
I think I might try a bit of running today. That's pretty much the biggest decision I have to make! How spoiled am I?

It's Wednesday

I wasn't too sore to get out of bed, but I'm pretty sore. This time it's my legs and sides of my waist/hip muscles. It always seems to be a different muscle group, which is probably a good thing. Since May of last year I have lost 15.5 lbs and 8.5 inches. My total body fat has gone down two percent. If I keep losing at the same average rate, by this time next year I will be under 200 lbs and wearing a size 12. I think that's a reasonable long-term goal.
Yesterday I went to the Department of Education offices in downtown Tucson to have my certificate updated. You see, for the first two years of teaching you are not actually a teacher. You are a provisional teacher. When you have finished your first two years, your district signs a paper saying you have been teaching for two years, and then you pay the state $30 to convert your certificate. While I was there I showed that I passed the secondary math test so they could add on that I was approved to teach math to middle school students. That cost me $60. Now I have three years to pay $255 to take a 3-unit class on how to teach students who don't speak English, and then have them add that to my certificate for another $60. It's not optional, and there is no reimbursement, and I don't get a raise for it. Teaching is expensive.

Update

I lost 2 lbs last week in spite of the yogurt covered raisins and sake bombers! Ha!!!! I went to lunch and the sandwich was really good. And I decided against the chocolate torte.

Spring Break!

My goal for this week is to work out every day. Not just the regular workout, but the grueling 2-hour, 4 miles walking and 30 minutes strength training workout. I want to really kick my metabolism into high gear, if that's possible! What may happen is I will get to Wednesday and be in so much pain I can't even get out of bed. But I am hoping that I have done this workout enough times that my body will be able to handle it. I am going to increase my protein as well, so that I can build muscle. Today is my weigh day, but I will be very surprised if I have lost anything. In fact I might have gained slightly due to my indulgences over the weekend. (Curse you, yogurt-covered raisins! Curse you, sake bombers!) I just really have a hard time when I am out of my routine. I felt very out of control over the weekend and acted out of control as well. Dammit.
That's ok, this morning I am myself again and will feel 100% after my workout. Then I'll go to lunch with a friend and eat my favorite sandwich in the whole entire world, and look at the chocolate torte but ultimately decide against it.
Life is good.

The Nightmares

There is a definite connection between my eating and my nightmares! Yesterday, aggravated all day by trying to teach kids who aren't interested in learning and telling friends about the disastrous date of the previous evening, I came home from work and ate two bowls of Lucky Charms. Then I ate a can of ravioli and a few hours later, a small bowl of macaroni and cheese. Starch, starch, and more starch, and precious few grams of fiber or protein. I fell asleep as soon as I finished filling in my brackets for March Madness, and had bad dreams all night long! I lost my daughter and couldn't find her anywhere. There was a wizard chasing me. I was at school and the professor was speaking some language I didn't know - possibly Klingon. Then I woke up feeling like I had a hangover, and with no appetite for breakfast as of yet.
Now, if I could only figure out how to neutralize the feelings that lead to my eating garbage before I actually eat the garbage. Yesterday I felt frustrated, lonely, and discouraged, and I chose to seek comfort in marshmallow cereal. I didn't even exercise. Is it possible that at some point I will be able to convince myself to head for the gym instead of the pantry for comfort? Because that would be really great.

What the F*%*^????

I just got back from the worst date EVER.
I swore I wouldn't do it. I demanded better of myself. And yet, I went on a date with somebody who thought my most recent Craig's List spoof was HILARIOUS.
We emailed back and forth. We appreciated one another's sense of humor. We thought this might be the one.
Then we met.
In person.
He said he was 5'8", 210 lbs.
5'8", 210 LBS MY FAT, WHITE, DIMPLY ASS! Why do people lie about these things? That guy was ROUND. As in, 65in. x 65in. I am not complaining about his weight. Or his height (rather, lack of it).
I am complaining because why, why, why must I waste my time meeting someone who can't even do me the courtesy of telling me the truth about what they LOOK LIKE???
Then, once I got past the initial shock, we started talking. He was a total POTTY MOUTH. Mind you, his emails were completely clean. Then we meet, and he is throwing around the F-bomb like every other word! Clearly, from my venting above, I have no problem with the f-bomb! But if you are a potty mouth, be a potty mouth all the time! I made the mistake of telling him my brother was in Iraq and my feelings about the situation there. He proceeded to tell me that Hillary will be the next president, my vote doesn't matter, and this will be the doom of our nation. I tried to argue my points, but it was as if I was not even there. Who talks about this stuff on a first freaking date????
I will be alone for the rest of my LIFE. I will be the crazy math teacher cat lady at the end of the block, where all the kids are afraid to trick-or-treat because they will get tricked and not treated. I will be throwing my cats at kids who walk on my perfectly manicured lawn. I will be the horrible, ugly, mean teacher who scars kids for life. All of this because I can't find a suitable mate. The one time I decide to meet somebody in the last 2 months, it's a friggin loser who lies to my face about what he looks like.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???????????? WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS????????

This Fitness Thing

Yesterday, after working a full day, I decided it was a good idea to walk twice as far as usual to the gym. It was over 80 degrees outside and by the time I started walking back to my car, I knew I had made a mistake. I hadn't eaten enough because I didn't like the lunch I packed, and I was already tired from work. Not enough calories during the day resulted in overeating at dinner. So I was sitting there after dinner, reading, tired, with a full stomach, and just absolutely throbbing from head to toe. Everything hurt, but it wasn't like sore muscles hurt... it was like my body was just PISSED OFF. I've never experienced anything like it. This morning I am better, but I think I had better take it easy today... maybe just a nice walk...

Anxiety

As soon as I found out I will be accepted into my master's program, I stopped sleeping. I started wanting to eat everything in sight and drink copious amounts of anything involving hops. Now, I haven't DONE these things, mind you, but it's taking a lot of energy not to. They are almost all valid fears, and there is nothing to do but wait for it to happen, and try to make it work. It's the unknown that scares me... what if the director's idea of "easy for me to join the program" and my idea of that are completely different? I'm already in debt and on the verge of bankrupcy as it is. What if this puts me over the edge? What if there's no time left to be a parent? What if my anxiety gets the better of me and I lose the stability I have gained the last few years? What if? What if? What if?

My Skinny Pants

The pants I was so excited to fit into a few months ago are so big now that they chafe my skin at the waist. I'm fitting into all of my cute clothes, my bras don't bulge, and I can foresee a future where I can buy clothes wherever I want without worrying whether they will have my size. Everything is cool, right?
This is typically the point where I begin to self-sabotage. And I am starting to see it happen. Somewhere in the dark recesses of my gray matter, my fear takes over. What will I blame my problems on, if not my weight? What will I do with the attention from men that I am ill equipped to handle? Am I capable of living life as a thinner person without drinking too much and losing control of my morals?
When I take a serious and objective look back, alcohol has been a big problem for me whenever I began to fit into regular sized clothes. I used the alcohol to stifle the self doubt. I used it to feel like I was on top of the world and in control of everything. It's sinister because the truth is the exact opposite.
If I am going to be able to live as a thinner person, I have to learn how to do it without using anything to quell those voices in my head. I am going to need a new coping mechanism that doesn't involve a substance. I don't know where it will come from, but I believe I can find it if I look.
So, the girl scout cookies didn't undo me, and neither will my own gray matter. Not this time. I hope I hope I hope I hope

A Momentuous Occasion

Dear Ms. Papenfus,
We have reviewed your applications to our Master's degree program. Our current plan is to make you an offer, with financial aid, as soon as possible. I wish that I could be more specific right now, but there are still some details of our budget that need to be worked out. I expect that the offer we do make will make it easy for you to join the program.
(...lots of other blah blah blah.....)
Sincerely yours,
X
Director, Arizona Teacher Initiative
University of Arizona

More fun with Craig's List

I did it again... I couldn't help it! I got bored, and fueled by the strange (and frankly, disconcerting) fact that I am still receiving responses from the last ad I posted, I composed the following:
Jane Looking for her Tarzan
I call myself Jane because it seems a suitable name for a blonde, blue eyed, trim, gorgeous woman. My birth name is Shakwondae, but please don't be put off by that!
My face is near perfect. It's taken six surgeries to get there but it was worth every second of pain to be this beautiful. Please don't respond if you are allergic to latex as that is what my skin is for all intensive purposes. I would of gone to college but I got kicked out after I offered sex for good grades. Even though I am not educated I consider myself incredibly gorgeous and that should be enough for any man.
I don't have to work out to stay skinny. I just don't eat. I don't have a lot of muscle tone but who cares when you are as cute as me? Please don't try to take me to a restaurant as they serve food there. I am sure that you would rather have a skinny woman and avoid food on dates, than be dating a fatso who actually wants to put food in her mouth.
I can be a good conversationalist as long as the topic is my looks. Please don't be turned off my the smell of limburger cheese. I have done everything I know of to do but my feet still smell. It's not bad as long as I keep my shoes on.
Please respond with a picture. If you are rich and handsome and look good in a leotard, we might have a chance.
Now, get ready for this. The first response was so good, I can't even wait until I have more to post it. Here it is:
Jane,
i've got a secret. one can eat & still stay lean & attractive. the
trouble is in our society we are always in a rush thus we eat too
quickly & over-eat before we get full.
it takes 15 to 20 mins. from the 1st bite of food for the nutrient to
enter our blood-stream & signal our system we are full. in that 15
mins. we often eat double what would have filled us up had we only ate
slowly! i eat slowly taking 1 min between bites so in 15 mins. i can
only eat 16 bites of food. i get FULL on thos 16 bites and stay lean
unfortunately i had to learn this the hard way. i do work-out 5 days
per week doing aerobics & body-building but that for my heart & to
develop my physique.

well enough of the sermon. i'd like to chat & get acquainted. 0nce
we've made contact i'll send more pics.


That's how he sent it to me... with the head removed!!! I can't stop laughing! I've lost bladder control!!

The Great Homework Debate

Yesterday I was asked to join a committee that will change the way teachers assign grades at my school. I was told very clearly that it wasn't IF we were going to change things, it was HOW we were going to change things, and did I want to be a part of the decision making process? Hell yeah, I said. Like I'm going to pass up a chance to spout off my two cents.
Anyway, the big deal is that there are state standards we are responsible for teaching in each subject. These are the standards that students are tested on at the end of the year by way of AIMS. For example, in 7th grade math, one of the standards is that students should be able to find a percent of a number. On their AIMS test, there are some questions that will assess whether or not the student can perform that task.
How does all this relate to homework? I'm getting there.
Ever since the dawn of high stakes testing (meaning pass this test or you get held back), there has been a lot of talk about whether or not grades should reflect how a student performs on their tests. Some students can never do a lick of homework, and as a result fail a class, and then perform very well on their tests. The general movement seems to be that if a student can perform on the state standards, he/she should receive a passing grade in the class, regardless of work ethic. We can't have kids doing well on AIMS and getting F's on their report card in the same year. Our grades need to match how the students are actually performing on the state standards.
Here's the rub: There is no test in real life that will give a kid a paycheck for being smart. People get paychecks because they show up for work every day and do their jobs. Now, there are exceptions to this rule; I realize that, and so does every other teacher out there. We teach the state standards, but that is not ALL we teach. Part of school is learning to be responsible, and part of the teacher's job is to hold students accountable for doing their work. When all these changes take place, students will be able to have a C on their report card without doing any homework at all. Part of me thinks that is fine - if they don't need the extra practice, they shouldn't have to do it. But the other part says hold up! There will most likely come a day when the tasks they have to perform don't come to them naturally, and then they will need the practice! And when that day comes, they will have no work ethic, no study habits, no idea how to actually sit and practice on their own! Just because they can do 7th grade math without batting an eyelash, that doesn't mean they will get to precalculus in a few years and understand everything the first time around.
So the debate continues. Am I overestimating the teacher's responsibility in shaping the work ethic of the child? I know for a fact there is too much homework being assigned at my school. Some teachers assign it just because they think it's expected. Getting rid of that kind of thing will be a definite bonus. On the other hand, it just goes against the fiber of my being to think a kid should not have any homework, ever, or should be able to blow it off and not have any consequences.
Thoughts? Ideas?