Breastalicious???

First, some good news: my tomato plant has brought me a ripe tomato! Behold:


Now, to get something off my chest. Something named Dave. I went out on a date with said Dave last night. It started off great... he did not lie about his age, appearance, or anything else. He has a job, a car, and he seemed to be intelligent. We sat down and ordered beverages, and he complimented me by saying that my picture doesn't do me justice and I should get a new one. I replied that I had just taken that one, and I probably just don't photograph well.
Then he proceeded to apologize to me for looking at my breasts. I attempted to play it off, saying something like, "It happens all the time. I am not sure why you are admitting it." He said, and I quote, "Because you're breastalicious."
You would think my stunned silence and whatever look I had on my face would give him a clue to shut the hell up about my mammaries. But he didn't. He said he works in finance, so you could say he has a head for figures. Hardy, har, fucking har. Then he called me breastalicious AGAIN. I said with the utmost kindness, "I'm feeling rather like a piece of meat right now." Then he finally stopped.
Come to find out he lives with his mother, makes extra money on the side by house sitting, and has a goal to get a master's in education even though he has yet to obtain a bachelor's degree in anything. He pressured me all evening long to come back to the place he was housesitting after dinner. He kept putting his hand on my thigh and I kept brushing it off. Somehow or another I made it through the date, though I probably should have said I was going to the bathroom and left. When I drove away, he was just standing there, staring at me, like he couldn't believe I was actually leaving. Five minutes later he called my cell phone. I didn't answer, and he left this message: "Hey. Call me when you go to bed." Suuuure, Dave. How about GET LOST, dickhead.
I just truly do not understand what makes a man think that he has the right to comment on my breasts. What if I met a man, and within the first few minutes of meeting, said something like, "That's quite a bulge you've got there between your legs." What would that say about me as a person? What would that say about my level of respect for him as a human being? I just do not understand. It makes me want to have them removed. Is it possible for a man to appreciate my body and still respect everything else that is attached to it? Is it just too much to ask? For goddess' sake, they are large bags of fat with some nerve endings at the tip. They do not define me!!

Maybe now?

Today has been a good food day so far, AND I went to the gym. My energy level is finally back up where it should be. Somehow I weigh the same even though I haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks and have been eating pretty much whatever I want. Probably I have lost muscle mass. Well, that's nothing that can't be fixed! So, let's have another one tomorrow just like today.

Finally, a good food day!

I didn't eat any sugar yesterday. None. At work, I ate only what I brought, and for dinner we stopped at Village Inn in between taking the entrance exam at the local community college and shopping for decent clothes to wear for Career Day. I had a very skimpy BLT on sourdough and a small portion of fries. Then I didn't eat anything else before bed. So, it was a victory. I didn't work out, and won't today either because I have a union thing to go to after work, but if I ate well yesterday then I can do it again today.
We were at the community college because my youngest decided on sign language for her foreign language requirement, which I think is very cool. The class, taken at her high school, is actually a college course and will count for college credit! The school is paying for it too! But she has to be admitted to the college, so she took the entrance test yesterday. Then same child has career day today at school where apparently they will be GRADED on their APPEARANCE??!! She has jeans and t-shirts. That's it. The child, in years past, would rather die than be seen in a skirt. But yesterday she picked out a really cute, age appropriate but still very nice skirt and blouse. She looks fabulous in it.
Older daughter has been offered an internship with the U of A, where she will be working the front counter two days a week after school. I hope that if she does well, they will offer her a paying position for the summer. She will be 16 by then. Speaking of which, she will be 16 in ONE MONTH. OH. MY. GAWD.

Seriously

All this looking for my softer side has exhausted me. I don't have energy for anything else. I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I keep talking myself out of it on the way home. I'm just too tired! Seriously, I went to bed at 7 p.m. last night. I had to get up at 9 to pick my daughter up from her student council thing, and she apologized for waking me up. I said no need to apologize! And promptly went back to bed. That's not normal. I am calling the doctor today.

Still looking...

Well, it's been three days now and I haven't found my softer side. My brain hurts from looking. Can I call my arse my softer side? It's soft and squishy and would never hurt anyone. HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!

But what if I don't HAVE a softer side?

I totally lost it today in class and ripped a kid up one side and down the other for lying. In front of the rest of the class. He called his mom, his mom called the principal, I got called in. His mom wants him taken out of my class. Can't say I blame her. So I apologized to the kid, apologized to the mom, explained to her why I was frustrated with her kid, and asked for a week to try and smooth things over before we move him to another class. I think it will all be fine, but the principal thinks I need to look for my softer side. Problem is, I am not sure I have one.

And Again

Yesterday I ate fried food for breakfast, carrots dipped in peanut butter for a snack, salad for lunch, and tuna noodle casserole for dinner. Oh, and two dove ice cream bars. And a giant glass of chocolate milk. I guess it is food diary time again. Testing is over at school, so today we are back to our regular schedule. Possibly that will help me get back on track. My feet hurt from all the walking I did during testing, and that has been enough of an excuse for me to keep avoiding the gym. I am just going to keep writing about this mess until I figure it out. Here's the plan for today:
1. Make my protein shake for breakfast and take my vitamins with it.
2. Pack two healthy snacks and a decent lunch.
3. Track calories for today.
4. Go to the gym after work. No excuses.
5. Don't eat any food at work other than what I pack.
I have to figure out something for dinner now, before I leave, to avoid stopping off to get something quick after work when I am tired and don't care anymore.
Please, forces of the universe, give me strength! I am but a speck in this world, yet I want to be a healthy speck!

Try that again

I worked a 12 hour day yesterday and did not work out. My mental exhaustion is so utter and complete that I feel there is no hope of getting back on track. This week I have had to convince two sets of parents that retention is the best option for their child. The crying, the anguish, the pain on their faces is just more than I can bear. It is rare to see a grown man cry, but tell him his daughter has to repeat the 8th grade and there it is. I feel so deeply for them, but I refuse to throw their kids into a situation where I KNOW they will be overwhelmed. I refuse to just keep pushing them through even though they lack the most basic study skills, not to mention academic ones. It amazes me how many teachers are willing to give up once the parents start crying. Where is their sense of professional duty? As teachers, it is our job to do what we believe will best serve the CHILD. Even when it is difficult and painful.
So, the food was fine yesterday until I went to the teachers lounge for lunch and sat down next to a cake. Then proceeded to eat fried food for dinner because I was so hungry by the time I got to the grocery store, my last stop before home, I bought food from the deli - whatever looked good. Went to bed and had nightmares about my sister fighting a shark, and her husband killing my dad. This morning I just want to cry, go back to bed and just cry myself back to sleep. But instead I will go to work and smile and the kids and tell them this is their last day of testing and THEY CAN DO IT!!!!! Something funny did happen yesterday - I ran out of the snacks the school provided for AIMS testing, so I told the kids I would go to the store and get them whatever they wanted. Know what they asked for? Fresh fruit and beef jerky. All week they have been showing up with crackers, fruit snacks, junk! The school provided crackers - every flavor you can imagine. No protein, no fiber. So then I ask them what they want, and they make the most healthy choice! Too funny. So I got them strawberries, grapes, and beef jerky. I do love my job. I'm just really tired.

Back on Track

I worked out yesterday for the first time in a week and a half, which is good. My goal is to work out again today and keep my food under control. I weighed yesterday at the gym and my week and a half off cost me two pounds. Hopefully I can lose that by the end of the month and get back to where I was. I'm having a hard time with the food right now.

The Stress is Winning

AIMS is next week. Get this - we are testing for four days. The week is five days long. The decision was made from on high, the land of Headupmyass, AKA the district office, that we will test Monday through Thursday. Keep in mind we have tomorrow off, so the kids will come in Monday after a long weekend and BAM! Go cold into the most important test they will take this year. Did it occur to anyone in the land of Headupmyass that Tuesday through Friday might be better? Morons! IDIOTS! I am so pissed. So I bring this to the attention of the curriculum guy, who is administering the test, and he goes, "Great idea! Why didn't you say anything two months ago?"
"OH!" I thought. "Gee, I guess when they asked what us teachers thought, it didn't occur to me... OH, WAIT!! Nobody asked what we thought." What I said was, "I just got the testing schedule YESTERDAY." He said, "Smile! It's going to be ok." I actually YELLED at him, "NO! I am not happy!" and stormed off.
I am trying not to get so worked up over this stupid test. But all I want to do after the school day is over, is come home and eat. And that is what I have been doing. I tell myself that I am choosing to eat to manage my stress, when I could be choosing to work out. I am grateful at least for the awareness. I just feel so powerless and frustrated. I think I must be stressing the students out, in spite of my efforts to put on a happy face in front of them. I just hate this test. I hate the idea that this one test will determine whether they have the knowledge to pass into the next grade. I hate that the State of Arizona will base their opinion of my teaching from the results of this one test.
On top of everything else I have raging PMS, which makes me keep welling up with tears at the most unexpected times. It's kind of embarassing.