My recurring school-themed dreams have started up again. They had gone away for a couple of weeks when my doctor started me on a new medication that is supposed to help me sleep better, which is supposed to help me stabilize. Waking up with knots in my stomach from the stupid dreams is SO not fun. On another note, I have been on a total and complete sugar binge for 3 days now. Digestive system in complete revolt and I feel like shit.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
A Good Week
The past week has been mostly successful as far as my quest to adopt a whole foods diet. I have had cheese and some milk, but no meat other than shrimp that I had yesterday. My friend Maggie wants to do the juice reboot we saw when we watched "Fat, Sick, and Dying." (You can watch the movie at the same website for free - just go to the Home tab.) I don't think I want to do it. I simply cannot imagine giving up food for any period of time. I'm also worried about the low protein intake, although I have not found any evidence that it is a problem, even long-term. A large quantity of greens provides more protein than I knew.
Yesterday I stopped at Panda Express in between a doctor's appointment and a pedicure, and I ate the honey-walnut shrimp with chow mien. The chow mien was OK but I did not care for the feeling of chewing the shrimp, and it was way too sweet. The walnuts were candied, for god's sake. It was pretty much gross.
I'm feeling almost ready to start exercising again. I have to keep reminding myself that I can do other things besides trying to run. I just want so badly to get back into the shape I was before, when I was doing half marathons. Riding the bike and/or doing the elliptical will help get me ready. I just need to keep that in mind.
I'm much more stable following the adjustment to my medication a couple of weeks ago. I am not feeling sorry for myself anymore and feel happy most of the time. I had a dentist appointment on Friday, and those are always traumatic even though I get the nitrous oxide. I had to have extra novocaine because it was hurting on the side of my mouth opposite of where he was drilling. As a result, the entire lower left part of my face was numb, including my nose. It was horrid. Last night I dreamed that I was numb all the way up to one eye, and it wouldn't wear off, and I had to wear an eye patch. I don't know why the dentist is so freaking difficult for me, but whatever. I'm being an adult and getting it done, even though I hate it. My next appointment will be my last 2 fillings (I had 6) and then I have a crown that needs to be replaced. Yuck.
Yesterday I stopped at Panda Express in between a doctor's appointment and a pedicure, and I ate the honey-walnut shrimp with chow mien. The chow mien was OK but I did not care for the feeling of chewing the shrimp, and it was way too sweet. The walnuts were candied, for god's sake. It was pretty much gross.
I'm feeling almost ready to start exercising again. I have to keep reminding myself that I can do other things besides trying to run. I just want so badly to get back into the shape I was before, when I was doing half marathons. Riding the bike and/or doing the elliptical will help get me ready. I just need to keep that in mind.
I'm much more stable following the adjustment to my medication a couple of weeks ago. I am not feeling sorry for myself anymore and feel happy most of the time. I had a dentist appointment on Friday, and those are always traumatic even though I get the nitrous oxide. I had to have extra novocaine because it was hurting on the side of my mouth opposite of where he was drilling. As a result, the entire lower left part of my face was numb, including my nose. It was horrid. Last night I dreamed that I was numb all the way up to one eye, and it wouldn't wear off, and I had to wear an eye patch. I don't know why the dentist is so freaking difficult for me, but whatever. I'm being an adult and getting it done, even though I hate it. My next appointment will be my last 2 fillings (I had 6) and then I have a crown that needs to be replaced. Yuck.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Wednesday Mostly Bitchery
It is really nice to have time to blog. It won't last long, I think... school starts August 6th, and starting August 22 I will be teaching a college class from 4:00 - 5:15, Monday through Thursday. I think that will pretty much take care of any kind of personal life I might have had.
I am gaining weight at an alarming rate. I have to go clothes shopping because I have exactly 2 work appropriate outfits that fit. I'm near utter despair. I know that in addition to adopting a whole foods, plant-based diet, I MUST exercise. I just haven't been able to make myself do it.
Mostly, it is emotional eating that is in my way. I've lost all of my close friends in the last half year or so. I've made one close friend, which helps, but the absence of my other close friends, and the ways in which I lost them, keeps me up at night. I try not to think about it. My disease has been out of hand, which has been a major contributor to both the loss of my friends and the eating. I want to work out ways to deal with my disease, when it is taking over my life and I don't yet know it. I wish to god I could find someone, anyone, who would be willing to put up with me when I am in the clutches of the thing. I mean a companion. My mom puts up with it, of course, and my daughters. They always forgive me my episodes, and for that I am truly thankful. They are never abusive, and when I come out of it, we talk about it, and move past it. My kids know they have a crazy mother, and they deal with it. My mom knows she has a crazy daughter, and she deals with it. My students always forgive me as well, even they don't know the reasons for my behavior. I am thankful for that as well. I almost think it would be better to have a disease that would kill me, because at least then I would know that there would be an end to it. When I think about all of this, I eat. Sometimes I eat until I feel sick. Eating makes me stop thinking about it. Sick, huh? Drinking makes me stop thinking about it too. Even worse.
Some of the friends had to go, and my disease had nothing to do with it. The one who became a coke whore and hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, for instance. Or, the one who didn't want to be my friend anymore when I stopped drinking. Or, the one who didn't want to talk about anything but work, and every conversation with her left me exhausted and stressed out.
Knowing I will live the rest of my life like this is enough to send me over the edge, if I dwell on it. So I try not to. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't ask for this disease, it's not my fault that I have this disease, and that I am doing the absolute best I can to still be a good person even though I have this disease. I hate it though. I hate this disease with every fiber of my being. I resent it. I resent it taking over my life and wreaking havoc. I resent not knowing when that is happening, and therefore not having the ability to stop it. I resent not having a single person in my life who is willing to tell me when I am out of control, BEFORE the hateful thing wrecks my life and treats others poorly. I resent not being able to make other people understand that it's not ME. I resent who I am when I'm in the clutches of it. I resent having to hide it, the dirty secret, because once I use the vocabulary of the disease, I am "less than" in the eyes of others. I resent BEING "less than."
Most of all, I resent the people who think I am making the whole thing up. Fuck you, I want to say. I wish you could walk a mile in my shoes. I wish you could experience just one episode of each extreme of my disease. I wish you could know what it's like to have your life spiral out of control, and not even know it until after the damage has been done. I wish you could teeter on the edge of sanity. Just to know what it feels like. I wish you could understand the feeling of not wanting to live anymore because you don't have control of the life you have. I wish you could see what my daughters see. I wish, I wish, I wish. In the words of my papa, wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.
But enough of the pity party. If I can eat the foods that will help make me whole, and if I can take care of my body in a way that will help make me whole, it would change many things for the better. It's just a day at a time, an hour at a time. Yesterday I made it clear up until 4:30 before I lost it! Until that point, I had eaten nothing but whole, plant-based foods. Victory was mine for that part of the day! Maybe today it will last until 5:00... or even later... one can hope! One can try!
I am gaining weight at an alarming rate. I have to go clothes shopping because I have exactly 2 work appropriate outfits that fit. I'm near utter despair. I know that in addition to adopting a whole foods, plant-based diet, I MUST exercise. I just haven't been able to make myself do it.
Mostly, it is emotional eating that is in my way. I've lost all of my close friends in the last half year or so. I've made one close friend, which helps, but the absence of my other close friends, and the ways in which I lost them, keeps me up at night. I try not to think about it. My disease has been out of hand, which has been a major contributor to both the loss of my friends and the eating. I want to work out ways to deal with my disease, when it is taking over my life and I don't yet know it. I wish to god I could find someone, anyone, who would be willing to put up with me when I am in the clutches of the thing. I mean a companion. My mom puts up with it, of course, and my daughters. They always forgive me my episodes, and for that I am truly thankful. They are never abusive, and when I come out of it, we talk about it, and move past it. My kids know they have a crazy mother, and they deal with it. My mom knows she has a crazy daughter, and she deals with it. My students always forgive me as well, even they don't know the reasons for my behavior. I am thankful for that as well. I almost think it would be better to have a disease that would kill me, because at least then I would know that there would be an end to it. When I think about all of this, I eat. Sometimes I eat until I feel sick. Eating makes me stop thinking about it. Sick, huh? Drinking makes me stop thinking about it too. Even worse.
Some of the friends had to go, and my disease had nothing to do with it. The one who became a coke whore and hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, for instance. Or, the one who didn't want to be my friend anymore when I stopped drinking. Or, the one who didn't want to talk about anything but work, and every conversation with her left me exhausted and stressed out.
Knowing I will live the rest of my life like this is enough to send me over the edge, if I dwell on it. So I try not to. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't ask for this disease, it's not my fault that I have this disease, and that I am doing the absolute best I can to still be a good person even though I have this disease. I hate it though. I hate this disease with every fiber of my being. I resent it. I resent it taking over my life and wreaking havoc. I resent not knowing when that is happening, and therefore not having the ability to stop it. I resent not having a single person in my life who is willing to tell me when I am out of control, BEFORE the hateful thing wrecks my life and treats others poorly. I resent not being able to make other people understand that it's not ME. I resent who I am when I'm in the clutches of it. I resent having to hide it, the dirty secret, because once I use the vocabulary of the disease, I am "less than" in the eyes of others. I resent BEING "less than."
Most of all, I resent the people who think I am making the whole thing up. Fuck you, I want to say. I wish you could walk a mile in my shoes. I wish you could experience just one episode of each extreme of my disease. I wish you could know what it's like to have your life spiral out of control, and not even know it until after the damage has been done. I wish you could teeter on the edge of sanity. Just to know what it feels like. I wish you could understand the feeling of not wanting to live anymore because you don't have control of the life you have. I wish you could see what my daughters see. I wish, I wish, I wish. In the words of my papa, wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.
But enough of the pity party. If I can eat the foods that will help make me whole, and if I can take care of my body in a way that will help make me whole, it would change many things for the better. It's just a day at a time, an hour at a time. Yesterday I made it clear up until 4:30 before I lost it! Until that point, I had eaten nothing but whole, plant-based foods. Victory was mine for that part of the day! Maybe today it will last until 5:00... or even later... one can hope! One can try!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I watched "Forks Over Knives" and "Fat, Sick, and Dying" yesterday. They were both informative and eye-opening documentaries. I have been sort of gravitating toward a whole foods diet, having morning smoothies that contain nothing but whole, mostly organic foods, and a couple of natural supplements. The smoothies are filling and delicious and not difficult to keep as part of my routine. I am interested in learning more about the connection between diet and health, and the more I learn, the more I realized how much I don't know about food.
Last night I dreamed that I was over-the-top hungry and went to a drive-through. I ordered and wolfed down a giant hamburger without thinking about it. After, I was sitting there feeling sort of sick and I realized I had eaten red meat. I didn't feel shame or guilt or anything like that... it was more like, why the hell did I do that to myself? Now it's going to take at least a day before I feel normal again. That dream is a good example of how my food dreams are changing, along with my attitudes and beliefs about nutrition.
Walking along the back wall of the grocery store yesterday, where the juices, eggs, and dairy are stored, Jessica pointed to the juice drinks that are put in cartons and marketed as nutritious. She said, "I remember when I thought that was juice." It started me thinking about where my children learned about nutrition. I never explicitly taught them about nutrition. I believe this is because of ignorance on my part. I am guilty of feeding them the same bullshit I was fed about certain heavily-subsidized foods that are a large part of the American diet. "Drink your milk. It will give you strong bones and teeth." "Eat your meat. It has the protein you need to make you strong." I also told them the one thing that has always been true: "We need to eat more fruits and vegetables. They are good for us." Words are only words, and all three of us have struggled with weight, although my children not near as much as me.
That statement about fruits and vegetables is just about the only thing that all of America seems to agree on regarding nutrition. Well, everybody except for maybe Dr. Atkins, and perhaps after death and in hindsight he agrees now, too.
What I realized yesterday is that, unbidden and without permission, our education system has taken on the task of teaching our children about nutrition. That doesn't seem like such a bad idea, in and of itself. Where else would our kids learn about food? Like me, most parents do not set out to teach their children about food. They teach by example. This would not necessarily be a bad thing; in fact, if the curriculum were science-based, it might even be a good thing. This is where it gets scary, though. The agriculture industry in general is heavily lobbied in Washington. Our public schools, without being checked, are teaching our kids about food. They are teaching about food in the classroom, and they are teaching about food in the cafeteria. The food in the cafeteria is crappy, and the lessons in the classroom are based on what the government tells us about nutrition. I'm beginning to be convinced that everything I thought I knew about nutrition is just plain wrong. There is proof all around us. As a nation, we are fat, sick, and dying. It's our food. I think Bill Maher had it right when he said something to the effect of, "There's no money in healthy people. There is no money in dead people either. The money is in the middle, where the sick people are. Somebody has got to say that pills are not the answer. Somebody has to stand up and say the answer is spinach."
There are a whole lot of people making a whole lot of money off of the fat, sick, and dying American population. It's something to think about.
Last night I dreamed that I was over-the-top hungry and went to a drive-through. I ordered and wolfed down a giant hamburger without thinking about it. After, I was sitting there feeling sort of sick and I realized I had eaten red meat. I didn't feel shame or guilt or anything like that... it was more like, why the hell did I do that to myself? Now it's going to take at least a day before I feel normal again. That dream is a good example of how my food dreams are changing, along with my attitudes and beliefs about nutrition.
Walking along the back wall of the grocery store yesterday, where the juices, eggs, and dairy are stored, Jessica pointed to the juice drinks that are put in cartons and marketed as nutritious. She said, "I remember when I thought that was juice." It started me thinking about where my children learned about nutrition. I never explicitly taught them about nutrition. I believe this is because of ignorance on my part. I am guilty of feeding them the same bullshit I was fed about certain heavily-subsidized foods that are a large part of the American diet. "Drink your milk. It will give you strong bones and teeth." "Eat your meat. It has the protein you need to make you strong." I also told them the one thing that has always been true: "We need to eat more fruits and vegetables. They are good for us." Words are only words, and all three of us have struggled with weight, although my children not near as much as me.
That statement about fruits and vegetables is just about the only thing that all of America seems to agree on regarding nutrition. Well, everybody except for maybe Dr. Atkins, and perhaps after death and in hindsight he agrees now, too.
What I realized yesterday is that, unbidden and without permission, our education system has taken on the task of teaching our children about nutrition. That doesn't seem like such a bad idea, in and of itself. Where else would our kids learn about food? Like me, most parents do not set out to teach their children about food. They teach by example. This would not necessarily be a bad thing; in fact, if the curriculum were science-based, it might even be a good thing. This is where it gets scary, though. The agriculture industry in general is heavily lobbied in Washington. Our public schools, without being checked, are teaching our kids about food. They are teaching about food in the classroom, and they are teaching about food in the cafeteria. The food in the cafeteria is crappy, and the lessons in the classroom are based on what the government tells us about nutrition. I'm beginning to be convinced that everything I thought I knew about nutrition is just plain wrong. There is proof all around us. As a nation, we are fat, sick, and dying. It's our food. I think Bill Maher had it right when he said something to the effect of, "There's no money in healthy people. There is no money in dead people either. The money is in the middle, where the sick people are. Somebody has got to say that pills are not the answer. Somebody has to stand up and say the answer is spinach."
There are a whole lot of people making a whole lot of money off of the fat, sick, and dying American population. It's something to think about.
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