It is really nice to have time to blog. It won't last long, I think... school starts August 6th, and starting August 22 I will be teaching a college class from 4:00 - 5:15, Monday through Thursday. I think that will pretty much take care of any kind of personal life I might have had.
I am gaining weight at an alarming rate. I have to go clothes shopping because I have exactly 2 work appropriate outfits that fit. I'm near utter despair. I know that in addition to adopting a whole foods, plant-based diet, I MUST exercise. I just haven't been able to make myself do it.
Mostly, it is emotional eating that is in my way. I've lost all of my close friends in the last half year or so. I've made one close friend, which helps, but the absence of my other close friends, and the ways in which I lost them, keeps me up at night. I try not to think about it. My disease has been out of hand, which has been a major contributor to both the loss of my friends and the eating. I want to work out ways to deal with my disease, when it is taking over my life and I don't yet know it. I wish to god I could find someone, anyone, who would be willing to put up with me when I am in the clutches of the thing. I mean a companion. My mom puts up with it, of course, and my daughters. They always forgive me my episodes, and for that I am truly thankful. They are never abusive, and when I come out of it, we talk about it, and move past it. My kids know they have a crazy mother, and they deal with it. My mom knows she has a crazy daughter, and she deals with it. My students always forgive me as well, even they don't know the reasons for my behavior. I am thankful for that as well. I almost think it would be better to have a disease that would kill me, because at least then I would know that there would be an end to it. When I think about all of this, I eat. Sometimes I eat until I feel sick. Eating makes me stop thinking about it. Sick, huh? Drinking makes me stop thinking about it too. Even worse.
Some of the friends had to go, and my disease had nothing to do with it. The one who became a coke whore and hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, for instance. Or, the one who didn't want to be my friend anymore when I stopped drinking. Or, the one who didn't want to talk about anything but work, and every conversation with her left me exhausted and stressed out.
Knowing I will live the rest of my life like this is enough to send me over the edge, if I dwell on it. So I try not to. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't ask for this disease, it's not my fault that I have this disease, and that I am doing the absolute best I can to still be a good person even though I have this disease. I hate it though. I hate this disease with every fiber of my being. I resent it. I resent it taking over my life and wreaking havoc. I resent not knowing when that is happening, and therefore not having the ability to stop it. I resent not having a single person in my life who is willing to tell me when I am out of control, BEFORE the hateful thing wrecks my life and treats others poorly. I resent not being able to make other people understand that it's not ME. I resent who I am when I'm in the clutches of it. I resent having to hide it, the dirty secret, because once I use the vocabulary of the disease, I am "less than" in the eyes of others. I resent BEING "less than."
Most of all, I resent the people who think I am making the whole thing up. Fuck you, I want to say. I wish you could walk a mile in my shoes. I wish you could experience just one episode of each extreme of my disease. I wish you could know what it's like to have your life spiral out of control, and not even know it until after the damage has been done. I wish you could teeter on the edge of sanity. Just to know what it feels like. I wish you could understand the feeling of not wanting to live anymore because you don't have control of the life you have. I wish you could see what my daughters see. I wish, I wish, I wish. In the words of my papa, wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.
But enough of the pity party. If I can eat the foods that will help make me whole, and if I can take care of my body in a way that will help make me whole, it would change many things for the better. It's just a day at a time, an hour at a time. Yesterday I made it clear up until 4:30 before I lost it! Until that point, I had eaten nothing but whole, plant-based foods. Victory was mine for that part of the day! Maybe today it will last until 5:00... or even later... one can hope! One can try!
I am gaining weight at an alarming rate. I have to go clothes shopping because I have exactly 2 work appropriate outfits that fit. I'm near utter despair. I know that in addition to adopting a whole foods, plant-based diet, I MUST exercise. I just haven't been able to make myself do it.
Mostly, it is emotional eating that is in my way. I've lost all of my close friends in the last half year or so. I've made one close friend, which helps, but the absence of my other close friends, and the ways in which I lost them, keeps me up at night. I try not to think about it. My disease has been out of hand, which has been a major contributor to both the loss of my friends and the eating. I want to work out ways to deal with my disease, when it is taking over my life and I don't yet know it. I wish to god I could find someone, anyone, who would be willing to put up with me when I am in the clutches of the thing. I mean a companion. My mom puts up with it, of course, and my daughters. They always forgive me my episodes, and for that I am truly thankful. They are never abusive, and when I come out of it, we talk about it, and move past it. My kids know they have a crazy mother, and they deal with it. My mom knows she has a crazy daughter, and she deals with it. My students always forgive me as well, even they don't know the reasons for my behavior. I am thankful for that as well. I almost think it would be better to have a disease that would kill me, because at least then I would know that there would be an end to it. When I think about all of this, I eat. Sometimes I eat until I feel sick. Eating makes me stop thinking about it. Sick, huh? Drinking makes me stop thinking about it too. Even worse.
Some of the friends had to go, and my disease had nothing to do with it. The one who became a coke whore and hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, for instance. Or, the one who didn't want to be my friend anymore when I stopped drinking. Or, the one who didn't want to talk about anything but work, and every conversation with her left me exhausted and stressed out.
Knowing I will live the rest of my life like this is enough to send me over the edge, if I dwell on it. So I try not to. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't ask for this disease, it's not my fault that I have this disease, and that I am doing the absolute best I can to still be a good person even though I have this disease. I hate it though. I hate this disease with every fiber of my being. I resent it. I resent it taking over my life and wreaking havoc. I resent not knowing when that is happening, and therefore not having the ability to stop it. I resent not having a single person in my life who is willing to tell me when I am out of control, BEFORE the hateful thing wrecks my life and treats others poorly. I resent not being able to make other people understand that it's not ME. I resent who I am when I'm in the clutches of it. I resent having to hide it, the dirty secret, because once I use the vocabulary of the disease, I am "less than" in the eyes of others. I resent BEING "less than."
Most of all, I resent the people who think I am making the whole thing up. Fuck you, I want to say. I wish you could walk a mile in my shoes. I wish you could experience just one episode of each extreme of my disease. I wish you could know what it's like to have your life spiral out of control, and not even know it until after the damage has been done. I wish you could teeter on the edge of sanity. Just to know what it feels like. I wish you could understand the feeling of not wanting to live anymore because you don't have control of the life you have. I wish you could see what my daughters see. I wish, I wish, I wish. In the words of my papa, wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.
But enough of the pity party. If I can eat the foods that will help make me whole, and if I can take care of my body in a way that will help make me whole, it would change many things for the better. It's just a day at a time, an hour at a time. Yesterday I made it clear up until 4:30 before I lost it! Until that point, I had eaten nothing but whole, plant-based foods. Victory was mine for that part of the day! Maybe today it will last until 5:00... or even later... one can hope! One can try!
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