Looking Forward

It's the first week back at school after spring break. The first week back after a break is always difficult. The kids don't want to be there, I don't want to be there, and we're all exhausted by the time the end of the week rolls around. I have been taking a tiny bit of xanax in the mornings because otherwise I will be losing my temper and therefore control of the class. It's working so far.
We are about to have our final round of retention meetings. This is the time of year when we decide who we are actually going to retain, and we fill out the official paperwork. It's not so much fun, but necessary.
I have started donating plasma so that I don't have to get a roommate. I had no idea it paid so well! However, the last time I went in my blood was too thick, and it clotted. On top of that, I had an inept phlebotomy technician who did not place the needle properly in my vein. The result was a whole lot of wasted time and a huge bruise on my right arm because they were moving the needle around in there trying to get the blood to flow. Then I had to get stuck in the other arm! And still they only got half the plasma I usually donate. I still got paid, so who cares. The problem is I don't want to go again because the last time hurt so bad. I think I am going to tell them they need to get someone experienced to put the needle in, otherwise it's not going to go well.
I am getting ready to exercise for the first time in a long time. I set my alarm for 45 minutes earlier this morning, and I am bound and determined to get out there. My mental state is not good, and it isn't something that more medication will cure. I am feeling bad about myself because I'm so heavy right now, and the lack of exercise means less natural endorphins, which means my medication isn't as effective. This is something I need to fix myself instead of asking for more pills. This is one of the few things I have control over right now, and I know that just getting out there is going to make a huge difference in my mood. It's just so hard sometimes to put my shoes on and go.
My so-called relationship is at the breaking point. I feel as though I have to walk on eggshells to avoid arguments, and some weird shit went down yesterday that made me feel so unsettled that my stomach hurt. I got the key to my apartment back, and it's staying in the junk drawer where it belongs. I'd rather be single that have this much stress. I wish I could pick better men.
Here's to a great day! Thanks for listening, blog.

Oh the exhaustion

Recently my partner teacher and I split our classes. She took the top 15 students and I took the remainder. The good news is that 4 of our SPED kids went with her!! The bad news is I forgot how exhausting it was to teach SPED by myself 5 periods a day. So far the results are fantastic, and it is definitely enjoyable and rewarding. I love those kids to death. Bonus - I get to teach the kids who struggle with math but haven't been identified as SPED. So they get the instruction they need that if it weren't for the co-teaching, they would never receive. It makes their chances of improving their test scores and understanding increase greatly. But, it is truly exhausting. I feel I could sleep for 10 years. I am teaching at the community college this morning. After that I have an appointment with my shrink and then I need to go across town to get my computer and a new charger. After that I need to get some medicine for my daughter, who I suspect has an ulcer, because she is broke. She also needs some non-solid food to eat while the medicine takes effect. Luckily I got a community college paycheck that I didn't realize was coming, so I have the money to do it.
Yesterday I didn't teach. I had the day to write education plans for my SPED students. I am way far behind and definitely out of compliance as far as the law is concerned regarding these plans. I went to go in and finish a plan that I had started last month, and saw that the idiot department head at my school, who doesn't know how to write a proper plan, had re-written the entire thing so that it was completely out of compliance. I spent 2 hours re-writing and finishing it. Luckily I had printed a copy beforehand, so I didn't have to re-analyze the data. I was so pissed. I finished 2.5 plans. While I was working, 2 teachers emailed me to complain about my sub. I deleted and kept working. WTF? I should stop working and go take over because the sub is incompetent? Just because I am on campus? I don't think so. They absolutely refuse to let me work from home on these days, even though I could get twice as much work done. Idiots.
Another interesting thing that happened yesterday: I had analyzed the data for our 1st period math intervention classes following the most recent standardized test. The results were absolutely dismal. I met with the principal and one of the women from the district office who is supposed to help us get our school get its collective act together. There are 4 math intervention classes. Every student in the 4 classes fell far below the state standards in math at the end of testing last year. In other words, these kids have gaps in their understanding. They are not working at grade level and they need help. In January, I split the kids into four groups: falls far, far, far, far below; falls far, far, far below; falls far, far below; and falls far below. I used test scores to divide them up. (I have no special authority - I am not the department head and I don't lead in any assigned way. The principal let me take charge of this thing because I wanted to, and he knows everything I do is data driven.) When I analyzed the data, I found that the top two groups of kids had shown significant drops in their scores between the 2nd quarter and 3rd quarter benchmark tests. Almost all of the kids' scores went down. I'm talking about kids who were falling far below are now falling far, far, far, far below. In the bottom two groups of kids, the higher of the two groups showed a modest average gain in their scores. Half of those kids had increased their scores, and the other half decreased. The bottom group, which is my group, showed significant gains. Every single one of them. Now, this isn't about me, it's about the program I am using. The kids are the ones that did the work, not me. It's not about my teaching. It's a direct reflection of the effectiveness of this program that I learned how to use while working at one of the top districts in the state.
When I shared this data and my thoughts about what was happening, both the principal and the woman from the district reacted by telling me what a good job I was doing. I kept saying it's not about me, and the reason I am telling you this is because we need to get the other teachers to use this program because then we won't have to get these takedowns like we did on Wednesday. I don't know if they got the message. It's really frustrating. We can help these kids. We can fill in those gaps and get them up to grade level, or at least closer. It's such a simple program to follow. All the work is already done as far as the teacher's job. All the teacher has to do is administer. Time the drills, give the kids stars on their charts when they earn them, etc. EASY AS PIE!! If only I ruled the world.

It's rough out there!

It's crunch time - one more month before state standardized testing - and the stress is beginning to show. On the part of the district, we had the take-down on Wednesday. On the part of the teachers, there is much less tolerance for behavior issues. Students who disrupt instruction are being dealt with expediently. I've had more parent meetings the last few weeks than I have had all year. Different teachers take charge of setting up meetings, and usually the teacher who is having the worst time with the kid sets up the meeting. The meetings are almost always depressing. That's if the parents bother to show up.
We find out the kind of struggles families are having, during these meetings. We find out what kind of parenting is happening. We find out all kinds of yucky things. Usually the parents want to put the blame on the teachers. Typically, they don't bring the kid to the meeting, so we can't call the kid out on the way they are playing us against the parents.
Yesterday I found out that two of my students, a pair of twin boys, are preparing to move because their parents are losing their house. The twins have been acting up the past month or so. They have always been energetic, but now they are actually causing problems. How could they not - their safety net is being yanked out from under them.
Then, after school I had a meeting for a SPED kid. Out of 46 days of instruction, he has been present for 30. Mom just can't understand why he is failing. He is already at a tremendous disadvantage because of his learning disability. How can we teach him anything when he is absent at least 2 days out of every 5? Half the days he has been at school, he has been in ISS. And then we take heat from the parent. Nice, huh?
Meanwhile, another meeting was taking place in another classroom. This kid got hit by a car on his bike about a month ago and sustained a permanent injury to his neck. Since then, he has decided he doesn't have to do any work. He is a really good kid and he is also SPED. He has made so much progress this year, it's incredible. Now he is going backwards because something horrible happened to him and he doesn't know how to deal with it. I wasn't there, of course, so I will find out today what level of support we are getting from the parents, and whether there is a chance he can turn things around.
There are many more stories. They weigh heavily on our minds. As teachers, it is our instinct to want to make everything better for our students. It's a double-edged sword because there is so much in their lives that we can't help with. We just don't have that kind of control.
These things, along with three jobs, my mental illness, and trying to sustain a relationship with a man are crushing me. There are days when I think the relationship just has to go. I don't have time to pay attention to anyone when I get home. I don't want to talk. I want to sit and watch TV and eat. I'm just not a good partner.
There is nothing I can do about the 3 jobs. I have to keep all of them. In fact I need another one. I cannot make ends meet with things as they are. I feel really good about the fact that I am not using my credit cards and that my debt has been reduced substantially already. I've changed my lifestyle and I'm proud of that. I know that if I can just hang in there, and keep letting things work themselves out (which they always do, financially speaking) then my life will be much more enjoyable. The stress of work and relationships won't take such a toll because I will be relaxed about the money part. I won't have to work 3 jobs once my debt is paid off. If I stay focused on the outcome, I'm in a much better place! I can do that most of the time. Sometimes, especially when I've had a rough day at work, I just kind of sink down into thinking about the negative things. Especially the things that are happening with my students that I have no control over. It's just part of being a teacher. If I can be there for that kid, smile at them every day and be happy to see them, it makes their lives easier (I hope). There is a lot that I CAN do, and today, I'll try to stay focused on that.

Deja Vu, and not the good kind

Last year, about this time, the superintendent came to the school where I taught and read the staff the riot act. There were many thinly veiled threats to our jobs if our students didn't do well on the upcoming state standardized tests. The possibility of the state coming in and taking over the school was discussed... but the superintendent made sure we knew that he wasn't worried about HIS job; he said, "I have three board members in my pocket. You think I'm worried? YOU should be worried!" I kid you not - that is exactly what he said. And in a raised voice and none too pleasant tone.
The result of this badgering session was a lot of anger and frustration on the part of some of the staff. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. In the end, things went on as they had before, and the students did about as well as we all expected. The state didn't come in and take over the school, but the principal was reassigned somewhere else in the district, and many of the newer teachers, including myself, were laid off.
Yesterday, somebody from the district office came in and read the staff at my current school the riot act. I wasn't listening when the principal said his title. I don't know or care who he was. I know he is a higher-up - it was obvious from his arrogant demeanor and the disrespectful delivery of his message.
When he finished telling all of us what a shitty job we were collectively doing, and how a panel from the district office would be observing next week, and how we were going to go through a "solutions team" process so that we could stop doing a shitty job, he graciously took questions from the audience. I mean, the staff.
The reaction we gave him was very similar to the one the superintendent got last year from my former co-workers. Some of the staff was hurt, angry, and upset. Hands were raised and teachers were defending themselves, having been put on the defensive by the tone of his message. He didn't interrupt anyone, he made eye contact with whomever was speaking, and he nodded periodically to show that he was listening. However, there was no emotional reaction whatsoever. No body language, no facial expression, nothing to indicate that what he was hearing was at all of concern to him. And of course, it wasn't. He had come to do a job, and he had done it. The question-and-answer session was merely a courtesy to the staff.
I felt hurt and betrayed, and devalued and demoralized, and everything that I felt last year at this time. This year, however, there was a nagging little voice in the back of my head that was making some sense. This voice asked me a few questions:
"Who do you see getting angry and defensive and speaking up?"
"Who do you see just sitting there?"
Herein lies the problem with trying to defend the teaching profession. Those who spend time and energy defending the job they are doing and explaining why it is so difficult to be successful are the ones who do not need to defend their teaching. They are good teachers.
Those who just sit there are the ones who always sit there. They sit there during class time. They sit there during meetings. They sit in the room in which the district or principal requires them to be, and they sit there.
Those are the teachers that the asshats from the district are talking to.
There's a problem with this: Those teachers won't respond. They don't care.
They know there is a small chance they will lose their jobs. They know that this will only happen if the state actually does take over, which they won't, because the funding for that program was cut last year and it pretty much doesn't exist anymore.
They are union members. They are shitty teachers. They just sit there.
The same thing is happening in Wisconsin. The teachers protesting at the capital are the last ones that should be there. They deserve to keep their jobs and their benefits, because they are good teachers. They care. If they didn't, they wouldn't be protesting in the first place.
The unions need to go away. The collective bargaining needs to go away. It is only then that the asshats will be free to say to a teacher who is just sitting there, "You are part of the problem in this school. You aren't getting a contract next year." As things stand right now, they don't have the power to do that. They know that they will never be able to prove the level of incompetence that is required in order to fire a teacher. Nor do they have the time and the resources to gather the materials that would be necessary for such a thing.
My bottom line is this: I am a teacher. I go to work every day to teach. From now on, in those meetings, I am going to be one of the ones that just sits there. But it won't be because I don't care. It will be because I DO care, and I am saving my energy for my students.

Ok, maybe not!

So I took $50 out of my emergency fund to have enough money for my ACCC payment. Then I hid it and said the hell with it, my emergency fund is $950 and that's all I have to say about that. When everything comes out of my checking account I will have $0.65. I get paid on the 11th. I am tutoring today and I am really hoping that she will pay me when I leave her house because then I can go to the store and buy cheese. As you know, blog, cheese is my main food group. Yesterday I thought I had cheese in the refrigerator, so I spent my last few dollars on a can of enchilada sauce and some corn tortillas. I was going to make cheese enchiladas and MAN was I looking forward to them. Then, I got home and I didn't have cheese! I ate it and I don't even remember when. So I made spaghetti and tater tots instead. Don't worry, blog, I am not starving! I just really wanted those cheese enchiladas!
There is bad news. I did my budget worksheet and I am short $450 of the monthly expenses. I can't figure out what the hell is wrong. Well, that's not exactly true. All together, my payments on all of my debt are about the same as one paycheck. My rent is more than half of my second paycheck. That leaves less than half of one paycheck for all my utilities, car insurance, medical expenses, and food. I'm living on just my own salary now and the numbers simply do not add up. I'm thinking a 4th job isn't possible. I can't work on weekends because I teach at Pima some Saturdays. A night job isn't a possibility - I need more sleep than most and I would lose my tentative grip on sanity. So I don't know.
A little Wednesday Bitchery - when I watch the news coverage of the situation in Wisconsin, with the unions, I keep hearing about how public sector employees have these great benefits. It makes me see red. What great benefits? Seriously? Everyone who knows me, knows what I think about the teacher's unions. I haven't changed my mind. I want to be a teacher and I want my job performance to be evaluated based on how my students show growth in their learning. I don't want my job to be hinging on how many years I have been teaching. That doesn't make any sense. So I want the unions to go away. Right now with all this hubbub, the teaching profession is being absolutely demonized. So we're getting it from both ends right now. I truly do not understand where people get the idea that we make so much money for what we do and have these great benefits. I wish I could get 20/20 or Dateline or somebody to come and film my days for about a week. They could blur out everyone else's faces. I think it would help give the private sector a serious and bracing reality check regarding what teachers actually do, and how difficult it is to survive on teacher's wages.