It's crunch time - one more month before state standardized testing - and the stress is beginning to show. On the part of the district, we had the take-down on Wednesday. On the part of the teachers, there is much less tolerance for behavior issues. Students who disrupt instruction are being dealt with expediently. I've had more parent meetings the last few weeks than I have had all year. Different teachers take charge of setting up meetings, and usually the teacher who is having the worst time with the kid sets up the meeting. The meetings are almost always depressing. That's if the parents bother to show up.
We find out the kind of struggles families are having, during these meetings. We find out what kind of parenting is happening. We find out all kinds of yucky things. Usually the parents want to put the blame on the teachers. Typically, they don't bring the kid to the meeting, so we can't call the kid out on the way they are playing us against the parents.
Yesterday I found out that two of my students, a pair of twin boys, are preparing to move because their parents are losing their house. The twins have been acting up the past month or so. They have always been energetic, but now they are actually causing problems. How could they not - their safety net is being yanked out from under them.
Then, after school I had a meeting for a SPED kid. Out of 46 days of instruction, he has been present for 30. Mom just can't understand why he is failing. He is already at a tremendous disadvantage because of his learning disability. How can we teach him anything when he is absent at least 2 days out of every 5? Half the days he has been at school, he has been in ISS. And then we take heat from the parent. Nice, huh?
Meanwhile, another meeting was taking place in another classroom. This kid got hit by a car on his bike about a month ago and sustained a permanent injury to his neck. Since then, he has decided he doesn't have to do any work. He is a really good kid and he is also SPED. He has made so much progress this year, it's incredible. Now he is going backwards because something horrible happened to him and he doesn't know how to deal with it. I wasn't there, of course, so I will find out today what level of support we are getting from the parents, and whether there is a chance he can turn things around.
There are many more stories. They weigh heavily on our minds. As teachers, it is our instinct to want to make everything better for our students. It's a double-edged sword because there is so much in their lives that we can't help with. We just don't have that kind of control.
These things, along with three jobs, my mental illness, and trying to sustain a relationship with a man are crushing me. There are days when I think the relationship just has to go. I don't have time to pay attention to anyone when I get home. I don't want to talk. I want to sit and watch TV and eat. I'm just not a good partner.
There is nothing I can do about the 3 jobs. I have to keep all of them. In fact I need another one. I cannot make ends meet with things as they are. I feel really good about the fact that I am not using my credit cards and that my debt has been reduced substantially already. I've changed my lifestyle and I'm proud of that. I know that if I can just hang in there, and keep letting things work themselves out (which they always do, financially speaking) then my life will be much more enjoyable. The stress of work and relationships won't take such a toll because I will be relaxed about the money part. I won't have to work 3 jobs once my debt is paid off. If I stay focused on the outcome, I'm in a much better place! I can do that most of the time. Sometimes, especially when I've had a rough day at work, I just kind of sink down into thinking about the negative things. Especially the things that are happening with my students that I have no control over. It's just part of being a teacher. If I can be there for that kid, smile at them every day and be happy to see them, it makes their lives easier (I hope). There is a lot that I CAN do, and today, I'll try to stay focused on that.
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