Dreams

I fought the sugar and the sugar won. Well, the sugar is winning right now. The good news is that even though I haven't been recording my food intake, and I haven't been making very healthy food choices, I have not let go of my exercise program. I still go faithfully to the gym 3 times a week and it feels really good. It isn't boring, and it goes by fast. There are other women there to talk to and every time I do it, I get to be really proud of myself for taking good care of me.
I have been having school dreams every night. Every. Single. Night. I think it might be a good idea to document the dreams. Not sure why I think that. I just do. In real life today, I am meeting a friend from college for lunch. Then I am driving the kids halfway to Phoenix to meet their father, who will take them for the weekend. Then, I will head to Globe, where I will meet my best girlfriend at a bed and breakfast for a sleepover. We planned this months ago. Meanwhile, I am watching my nephew while one of my sisters is in New York. You'll see how all these things come into play in my dream of last night.
Here is the dream, as best as I can remember it - they fade so quickly. I am in school as the teacher. (Sometimes I am the teacher, and other times I am the student.) It is the first week of school, the fourth day, so it is Thursday. I have been doing OK with the kids, getting them used to my routines and such - this is an 8th grade special ed class, about 17 kids. Today, the kids decide to challenge me. Instead of handling it like a professional, of course I am a complete ninny. Screaming and yelling, threatening with empty threats, etc. and the kids are loving it. It is near the end of the school day, and I just keep thinking, another hour. I can do this. Naturally the principal and other teachers are popping in and out, not helping, but taking note of the fact that I obviously can not handle my kids. Then suddenly I remember I am supposed to be taking a trip to New York with my best girlfriend! We are leaving tonight! I am supposed to meet her at the airport in a few hours! And I haven't got a sub for tomorrow, much less lesson plans! (Who gets a sub for the first week of school??!!) So I go to the phone and try to call HR so I can get a sub, and I have to chase 3 of my female students off the phone who were using it without my permission by the way, and then the phone doesn't work! And on the other line, the tech guy is all of a sudden there and telling me he is on his way to my classroom to remove the fiber from the phone line because it needs to be fixed! So I will be without phone and computer. Then I realize I have a computer, and I haven't even tried to use it. Somehow or another I find out that there are no subs available for tomorrow. Meanwhile I am supposed to be teaching this whole time. It is the middle of a social studies lesson, of all things. I'm a math teacher for gosh sake. So in between trying to get the kids to get textbooks and open them up, and get the kids that are hiding behind the kids in the back row, crouched next to the wall smoking cigarettes, I realize that I need to call my best girlfriend and tell her I can't make it. This is bad because I already know that she has paid for the plane tickets. I really don't want her to be mad at me. I keep trying to get her number to come up on my cell phone so I can call her, but I can't call her on my cell phone because the battery is dying. I keep trying to get the number to come up long enough for me to dial it on the classroom phone, which is only working part of the time, and the number keeps disappearing, and the principal keeps coming in, and my eyes are glued shut, and there is a dance after school that I promised to chaperone and forgot about, and I can't get ahold of my girlfriend to tell her I won't be meeting her at the airport.
Then, thank the Goddess, I woke up. This is happening every single night, I am not kidding. Maybe if I write them down they will stop. There is just no need for this kind of anxiety! I'm a good teacher! What the hell??!! Could the sugar and the dreams be connected?!

Who's counting

I overdid my workout yesterday. I only think that because I hurt whenever I move. One of the machines at Curves is definitely getting the better of me. I can do all of them, and most of them are nothing new. But this one, this horrible contraption designed to work the lower trunk, is just beastly. So of course I work harder on that one than any other, instead of taking it easy, and now I am paying for it.
The exercise is messing up my food. On the days I work out, I get hungry a couple of hours before lunchtime. So I eat a snack, and then I'm not hungry at lunchtime, and the whole day gets screwed up. I'm not sure what to do about that. Timing is important on this food plan I am doing.
Mentally, I am doing better than I have in a very long time. I feel stable and clear headed most of the time. I do not feel depressed, which is wonderful. Today I am going to my new classroom and working for a few hours. My goal is to have the lesson plans done for the entire year before school starts. They would be preliminary lesson plans, that I would adjust as needed, but it will be a good base to start with. That should make my workday shorter and allow time for other things, like working out and planning my food.

Day 4

Today is supposed to be the hardest as far as sugar withdrawal. Yesterday afternoon I was craving beer, wine, anything with sugar. I kept reminding myself that if I had any, I would be priming my brain to want more, and the cravings would be worse, and it would be worse for at least a day. Meanwhile the depression will not lift. I am going to work out today at Curves and maybe that will help.

Day 3 - Truth

I ate everything in sight yesterday that did not contain flour or sugar. I wanted ice cream so bad... I just kept putting myself off. I thought, in another hour, if I still want it, I'll have it. After doing that about three times, the craving finally passed. I don't know if the 16 oz ribeye steak had anything to do with it or not. heh.

Something I am changing about myself right now is the ability to keep meticulous records. I now have a food journal, here on my computer, where I log what and when I ate, and how I was feeling emotionally and physically when I ate it. The point of the journal is not to "get the goods" on myself so that I can start calling me names. I have to work hard to remember that! The point of the journal is recording data, like in a science experiment. I can't look for patterns if I don't have the data. I have tried many times to keep a food journal, but this time may be different... the past few days,when I have felt bad about what I ate, I reminded myself of the purpose of the journal. Then I wrote what I ate and that I felt bad about it. Rather than being something shameful, which I guess is what I was expecting, it has turned out to be liberating. Being honest about my food feels good. Yesterday, it helped me be honest about other things.

We abhor in others what we can't stand about ourselves.

Yesterday I was writing a "Dear John" email to a man I had been seeing. This man is an independent contractor; he works for himself, and he does I.T. When a server crashes, he has to go fix it, no matter the time or day. Saturday, after not hearing from this man for days, I got a call from him saying he was on his way to fix a server and if it went well he would call me when he was done. I had quite the moment of clarity. Seeing me was a matter of convenience. He has a son, so this way he had an excuse to drop his son at the home of a family member. Then, he thought, if he could get the work done quickly, he could come to my house and nobody would be the wiser. Here's the thing - I am wiser. I realized the meaning of what was happening - seeing me was not a good enough reason to get a sitter, but work was; nor am I worthy of spending time around the child. Not only that, he has to make excuses in order to find time for me.

I could have chosen to ignore what I was seeing and feeling, be complacent, and allow him to treat me like "the other woman." I did allow him to come over, and I waited for an explanation. (I can't change everything at once.) When none was forthcoming, I gently excused him from my presence. Then I waited for an explanation (I know, I know) for a few days. Still nothing... that's when I found myself writing the Dear Julio letter.

We teach others how to treat us. I have been working on who and what I am, through the process of finding out who and what I am NOT. I am not a convenience. I am not a booty call. I AM a Goddess. And every time I am honest, truly honest, with myself and those around me, I honor myself and others. Every time I make a step in the direction of honesty, it is a victory for my soul. When my soul wins, so do my children's souls, and my sister's souls, and my mother's soul. Because I cannot have a true relationship with anyone unless I am true to myself.

I am officially letting go of my old idea that "self knowledge" means taking responsibility for things that aren't mine and then beating myself up with them. My new idea is that "self knowledge" means telling myself the truth, and then loving the truth. Loving me for telling the truth. Looking at it straight in the eye and then rejoicing because I can have it.