Awesome

You should really go here and watch all of the old school Sesame Street clips. I promise you, you haven't had that much fun sitting at your computer in a long time.

You have to wonder...

You have to wonder about your mental state when you choose to wash down your gas-x with diet soda.

Bitter much??

At my daughter's graduation last night, I ran into the parent of a former student. I had this student my very first year teaching, four years ago. I was teaching 6th grade math and science, and every teacher had to teach an elective. The teacher chose the topic of the elective, and I chose to teach the kids how to make sense of fractions using cookie recipes. We would spend a few days doubling or tripling a recipe, draw little cups and quarter cups of flour and sugar, etc. I called the class "Cookies 101." After we learned the math and figured out how much of each ingredient we needed, we actually made the cookies. It was a fun class, and none too difficult, I assure you.
So when I ran into this parent (who by the worked at the high school my daughter graduated from, so they knew each other) I said hi to her and then was talking to someone else. In the background I hear her say, "Cookies 101." I turned to her and said, "What? Are you talking about my old class?" She says, "That's the only class my daughter ever got a C in." She makes a C shape with her hand.
I wish I could have said what I was thinking... Lady. Get. A. Life. But I didn't. Instead I said, "How do you get a C in cookies 101?" Then I moseyed away. Really, I just think she needs to MOVE ON. I hope I never have to see her again.

This can't be happening.

Well, here it is on the day of my daughter's high school graduation, and I am up at oh-dark-thirty. A nightmare woke me up and there was just no chance of going back to sleep.
I want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to do anything. I definitely don't want to go to work. I am packing up my classroom and getting ready to store all my teaching things in my garage once again. I am deeply depressed about having to start over at another school. This will be the 4th time in 5 years. There must be something wrong with me.
I helped graduating daughter with her salutatorian speech last night. She just needed a little assistance getting her thoughts down... the nervousness about giving the speech was getting in her way. I think in the end it will be a very good speech. She is so happy... I can tell that I am hurting her feelings because I am not happy with her. I am trying, I really am, but my God! You drop them off at Kindergarten and cry because you have to let them go, and in the blink of an eye they are 18, it's done, and you REALLY have to let go. Although I love and treasure the fine young adult she has grown into, I miss my baby.
She has stopped checking in with me regularly. She just understands that it's time now for her to live her own life. There was no conversation... it just happened. Part of me is thankful that we're normal, and the break is happening the way it is supposed to. But, I miss my baby.
I remember when she was born and they had to do a c-section after I had been in labor for over 24 hours. We were both so drugged up by the time she finally arrived that she didn't even cry. I remember being in recovery and trying to nurse her, and family kept coming in to see her. I understood their need to see her but I wished they would leave. I wanted those moments all to myself. If I had it to do over again, I would tell the staff that nobody could come in - NOBODY. I would keep those precious minutes all to myself.
The first night after she was born, I woke up in the early hours and she wasn't in her little bassinet next to my hospital bed. I panicked and called the nurse, and she brought the baby to me immediately. I was stunned that she must have been crying and I hadn't woken up... and very dismayed. What kind of mother would I be if I couldn't wake up when the baby cried at night? It wasn't until many years later that I realized the nurses must have swooped her up before she could wake me because I was recovering from surgery. I certainly didn't have to worry about not waking up... I could hear her sighing from another room. Something magical happens to a mother's hearing in those first few months.
As she grew up, I spent a lot of time simply stunned by her. She spoke her first word, "book," and held "Hop on Pop" up to me to read it to her. She embraced her little sister 14 months after she was born and I never saw a single sign of jealousy. She excelled in school from the get-go. She learned how to treat others well and how to control her temper. She figured out which kind of people she wanted to associate herself with, and who she would rather stay away from. She grew up.
She has made me proud all her life. Now she's off to find her own way in the world, and of one thing I am certain - she will continue to make me proud. Goodbye to your childhood, Jessica. I treasure every second it lasted. Thank you for being my daughter.

Hey, dumbass, I'm trying to save the world here.

I just went to the grocery store, with my reusable bags, like I always do. My new year's resolution was to cut down my use of plastic as much as possible. I bought bags at Trader Joe's (who has really cute bags for 99 cents by the way, made out of recycled plastic, so there's really no excuse to be using disposable plastic bags, y'all) and I try to remember to use them for every store I go into. Anyway, I got up to the checkout and the cashier started ringing up my stuff. I said to the guy, "I have my own bags." He says ok, and then just keeps going. I can see the bagger putting everything in plastic bags, so I finish unloading the cart and get down to where she is and say, "I really don't want any plastic." She says, "Oh, ok," and takes the reusable bags I hand her, and then starts putting the plastic bags in my cart! I said "No, can we take them out of the plastic? I really don't want any plastic!" So now I'm holding up the line, and the dumbass cashier finally starts helping us take everything out of the plastic bags and put it in the reusable bags. Honestly. What a moron.

10 minutes in the life

Teacher: All right now, you all have chosen a career from the list, written down your annual salary, and just now we figured out what your paycheck will be every two weeks. Everyone's paycheck is different, because you have all chosen different careers. Now it's time to pay the man. First off, you have to pay 1.5% of your paycheck to the government for medicare.
Student: What's medicare?
T: Health insurance for when you get old.
S: I'm not old yet. Why do I have to pay it?
T: Because when you are retired, you won't be working, so you won't have health insurance. You are paying now so that the money is there when you get old.
S: Ok.
T: What is 1.5% of your paycheck? Well first we have to convert 1.5% into a decimal. Who remembers how to do that?
(crickets chirping)
T: All right, we move the decimal.....
(crickets chirping)
T: Two places.....
S: Oh! To the right!
T: No.
S: To the left?
T: Yes. So we have....
S: Point zero one five.
T: Good! Now on your calculator, each of you punch in YOUR two week salary, which is your paycheck amount. Then push TIMES. Then push point zero one five. Depending on your career, you should end up with somewhere between five dollars and 80 dollars.
S: Mine says zero point zero zero zero five six.
T: Does that make sense?
(crickets chirping)
T: How much money is that?
(crickets chirping)
T: Is it more than a dollar or less than a dollar?
S: Less?
T: Ok, let's try it again. Put your paycheck amount into the calculator.
S: This one?
T: No, that is your annual salary. How much do you make every two weeks?
S: This one?
T: Yes. Put that in. Now, put point zero one five.
S: But miss, when I do that it says zero point zero one five!!!
T: That's ok, because that's the same thing.
S: Oh yeah.
T: Now push equals. What does it say?
S: one two point two three six seven.
T: How much money is that?
S: This is money?

Stupidity

Because this is what unemployed people need... a free 24-hour hard on.
Imbeciles!

A-S-WHO?????

I thought this site must be either mistaken or full of it when they said that ASU had refused to give President Obama an honorary degree when he speaks at the commencement later today. But then I found out it is true!!! Every ugly word! What the hell?! He should have gone to the U of A instead. There, we know how to treat people. Especially people who also happen to be President Hottie.

Down for the count

Something is very wrong... after a day and a half of antibiotics my parotitis is worse, not better. Of course the doctor said that it would take 72 hours before they start to really work, so I'm probably jumping the gun. But the other side is starting to hurt, which freaks me out. Is there a chance I actually have the mumps? I don't see how. When I looked parotitis up on the internet, one of the causes is a compromised immune system, which I probably had after the half-marathon. Another cause is several different strains of flu, so it could be I just have to wait it out. I'm probably just being a big baby.

Sacrifice

I guess I'm just a bad mom. When it comes to the true sacrifices, I just can't cut it.
I have an infection and inflammation in my parotid gland, which in layman's terms means my head and neck freaking hurt. I want nothing more than to stay in bed. I don't even want to eat. So the timing is great because it's my oldest daughter's senior prom, and it's my youngest daughter's choir awards banquet. Early this morning I went with the oldest daughter to take her car through emissions testing. Then we went shopping because I needed something decent for the awards banquet. We came home and I crashed for two hours. Then I got up and did hours of fingernails, toenails, make-up and hair. Finished just in time to get myself and youngest to the awards banquet. Youngest daughter did not sit with me during dinner so I had to make stupid small talk with the other parents, whom I don't even know or care about. Got through the dinner and then the extremely annoying, conceited, self-important choir teacher got up to make her speech. She stepped up to the microphone and said, "Hello," and it was very loud. The volume was up too high. Then she says, "That's what happens when you have your master's degree in vocal performance. You learn to project!" Vomit. Seriously. She said she wanted to tell us about her experience teaching our kids in their choir classes. She started her speech with, "The first day of school..." I thought it was a joke but it wasn't!!! She talked for 45 minutes nonstop about the school year. When that was over, she started giving out awards. Award after award after award. When youngest daughter had received all of the awards she told me she would get, I asked her if she could find a ride home. She asked the girl next to her, who said yes, and I said I just had to go back to bed. I could not sit and listen to that woman talk for another two hours, which was the time the banquet was scheduled to end. So, like I said, when it comes to the tough sacrifices I just can't hack it. I came home, took a bunch of drugs, went to bed, and started blogging instead. Soon I'll be asleep and it will all be a distant memory.