One funny comic

You have to read this. It stars my hero, Judge Judy.

AIMS

Well it's that time of year again... an entire week of testing for the kids. They are dreading the testing but seem excited about the new schedule because things will be different for a week. They sure love novelty. I hate AIMS week because it's so boring. I can't get any work done because I have to watch the kids so closely, to make sure they aren't texting. So I just sit and watch, for two hours, every day. Ugh.

Temper, temper!

I lost my temper with one of my students yesterday. He comes in every day and just sits there at his desk. He can't even be bothered to take out a piece of paper and a pencil. This is a trigger for me. If the kids can't even make the effort to try, I get really aggravated and feel like they are wasting my time. I go to the trouble to make good, accurate, valid bellwork questions. I go to the trouble to find the best resources, the ones that will best prepare them for AIMS and for their future in math. So it's really a trigger for me when they won't do their part. I have lots of kids who don't do their part, but they at least pretend, because they don't want me coming after them. Well this kid is just baiting me. He's doing it on purpose, to make me mad. The first thing I did when I realized this was move him to the back corner of the room and decided to ignore whether or not he was trying. Earn your F quietly, that's my motto. But then he started talking, because he could see that just sitting there wasn't going to get me mad anymore. So I start giving him a warning, and then when he doesn't stop talking, I move him to the back table so he is alone. He often refuses to move, talks back constantly, makes faces like he just can't understand why I am such a bitch to him. I kick him out more often than not because I don't get paid enough to babysit this little piece of shit. His mom lives in another city and is constantly badgering me about why her precious son is failing. He lives with his dad who we have never been able to actually contact. Clearly this kid has no supervision. it's a sad situation, and if he didn't get under my skin so much, I might be able to form a relationship with him and try to teach him to act right. But I can't. I can't stand him. So yesterday I told him to move to the back table, and he started talking back and didn't move. So I counted to three, and finally he started getting up his stuff, talking back, so disrespectful the whole time. The thing he says most often is, Oh my god. So I said it back, Oh my god. He said it again, and I said it again. I was mimicking him. So this went on for about four rounds, and I said, you just don't learn. He said, I don't care, so what? I said well, you just don't learn. You know what that makes you? I was hoping he would understand that I was calling him a dumbass, but all he said was, I don't care, so what? This entire exchange was in front of the rest of the class. It was so unprofessional. I get the feeling though, that this kid thinks he can act however he wants to me, and say whatever he wants to me, and I have to be nice to him. That's just not the case... if a student is rude to me, they get rude right back. If a student starts rolling eyes and making faces, I do it right back to them. This has never failed me before... once I start mirroring a student, they stop immediately and do whatever it is I wanted them to do. But this kid enjoys seeing me get mad. I have to stop getting mad.

Fascinating!

I just read this article about dreams. I have had extremely vivid dreams all my life.

Bitchery

I love me some good bitchery. Yesterday I had good reason for it!! Dammit!! At work, the AC is normally on all the time. No matter how cold the weather is outside, put 35 pre-adolescents in a small room and it's going to get hot and stuffy. So yesterday the high temperature outside was 90 degrees. Yes, 90. I know because that is what my car said when I went home, and my car does not lie to me. By about 11:00 yesterday, my classroom was absolutely stifling. The kids kept begging me to open the door, but it was even warmer outside than it was inside, for a while. So I opened it anyway just to shut them up. By 2:00, it was hotter inside than outside, and outside was 90 degrees. I canceled my tutoring and got the hell out of there. I really hope the ac is working today. I should be paid extra or something.

Ode to Post-it Notes

You come in all colors, so I never get bored.
You stop me forgetting markers for my white board.
You remind me when my kids will come home from school late;
You remind me of my Sunday night coffee date.
I have to write checks for Emily's lunch,
I have to remember to make Jessica more punch,
I need to put all of our clothes in the dryer,
I shut off the crock pot so the house won't catch fire.
I leave notes for the kids to tell them I've gone,
I remember to hire a landscaper for the lawn.
I've got to make appointments for us with the doctor;
On Saturday there is a test I must proctor!
In all of these things you help me keep sane
For in my old age, my memory does wane
The only thing is, when I use that last note
To remind me to buy more whole grain oat
And your holder on the fridge door is bare
Remember to buy more myself - do I dare??

Short Week

The fuss over Rodeo puzzles me every year, as I just can't relate and pretty much don't get it! But there is always one good thing about it and that is the 3 day week. As usual, I am planning a test the day before the break to keep those squirrely preteens in check. The topping on the cake is that there is no staff meeting or professional development on Wednesday after school like there usually is. So I get to leave at 2:00!!

It's the love, ya'll!!

One more reason why Carla is so amazing: Padma made an "mmmmmm" face and Colicchio may have actually giggled(!) while sampling Carla's delicious-looking beignet and (less appealing-looking) oyster stew. I ask my fellow Top Chef enthusiasts: Have you ever seen either of them do anything remotely like that when eating any other "cheftestant's" food, in this or any other season?

And good for her for making a non-alcoholic cocktail. You rule, Carla! It's the love. I can almost feel it emanating from my teevee machine.

Ghetto School

I am so worried about my future. Really, really worried. The budget cuts in education are going to be drastic. I will probably be able to find a job somewhere, at some school, but it's probably not going to be at the school I want, teaching the grade I want. To be truthful I am really feeling like I want to leave teaching. But the economy is so bad... nobody is hiring, everyone is cutting back. I may be forced to keep teaching even though it's not what I want anymore, and thank my lucky stars for any job I can get! I worry that next year I will have to change schools AGAIN, which means another year of setting up shop, getting used to the kids, leaving my friends and starting over, and reinventing the wheel if it's a different grade level because I can't use the resources I have built up. I have to find new ones.
Yesterday I had an incident with one of my students. He pushed by me, then made a fist and rushed up as if to hit me. I am going to press charges against him because to do otherwise would jeopardize the safety of my colleagues. The students and the other teachers were really shaken after it happened, everyone feeling kind of unsafe because this student just completely freaked out and really came close to hitting me. So I am thinking, I need this? I need to work my ass off for THIS?? Really?? Then at lunch another teacher said that the big fight that happened the other day was on YouTube. I went home and checked, and sure enough, one of the kids had recorded the fight and posted it. I know that every generation shakes their heads and says, "These kids today... What is society coming to?" That's where I am at. I can't relate to them, I don't understand them. I am shocked and horrified by some of them.
It's possible that after I calm down I will think what I usually think... that I can't imagine not teaching, and that any other job is going to be boring and stupid. Lord knows I've tried enough of them. In the end, the rewards of teaching outweigh the pain and sorrow of the job. Still, there's a part of me that wants to finish my math degree, be an actuary, and never have to deal with other people at all.

Wednesday Bitchery

Wednesday is now my day of rest, so I am afraid there isn't much bitchery going on. On Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I run/walk. On Saturday, I cross train with a body flow class that is part pilates, part yoga, and part tai chi. Wednesday is the only day I completely rest the bod. It's also the night one of my favorite people in the world comes over for dinner and helps Jessica with her Calculus. So I kind of adore Wednesday now.
Anyway if you want to read some bitchery see the last 1000 posts or so.

Fantasy Land

A note from a parent I received yesterday:

"Dear Ms. (my name),
I would really like for (son's name) to come in for extra help after school three days a week. I would really like to get his grade up.

(her name)"

The note I really would have loved to write back:

"Dear parent who lives in fantasy land,
Lady, I don't know where you work or who you work for, but I seriously doubt that if some whack-job asked you to stay after quitting time and work an extra hour for free three days a week, you would agree to do it. If you want private instruction for your precious baby, you'll have to pay for it. And you'll have to pay somebody else because I see as much as I need to see of him each day. Anyway, your son doesn't need tutoring. He needs to pay the fuck attention when I am teaching, and try moving his pencil on his paper every now and then. Maybe do a homework assignment or two? Finally, it's not your job to get his grade up. It's his job. So I really don't give a shit what you'd like. Time to cut the apron strings.

Sincerely,
Ms. Reality Check"

A note I got from another parent the day before, which was photocopied and given to the attendance clerk and the assistant principal as well:

"(Assistant principal's name),
(son's name) has an ankle injury. His math teacher insisted that he stand at the beginning of class yesterday. Would you please tell her that he has a medical condition.

(her name)"

The note I really would have LOVED to write back:

"Dear mother who takes her 13 yr. old lying dumbass son's word as gospel,
Do you know how you can tell when your son is lying? I do. It's when his lips are moving. Your son, who shows absolutely no evidence of any problem with either ankle, as witnessed by me when he ran by my classroom earlier today with his numbnut friends, was tardy for class. I told him to wait to sit down until I could mark him tardy, and his reply was that his ankle hurt and he was going to sit down. I ignored the disrespect as it happens on a daily basis, marked him tardy, and did not stop him from taking his seat. Maybe, if your precious son has an ankle injury, you might inform the school and get a note from the doctor. Or maybe the nut doesn't fall far from the tree and you are lying too. Either way, how dare you write your snotty note without asking me what happened first, and address the assistant principal instead of me. Lady, you have created your own hell and it's only going to get worse. I'll watch you on Judge Judy someday. Until then, stick it up your ass.

Sincerely,
Ms. kiss my white, bumpy ass"

Tough week.

I have a lot of kids failing my class. The majority of the reason is the test we took a few weeks ago. Here is everything I did to prepare the kids for the test:
1. We worked on the concepts for more than a week.
2. We took very careful notes, and in the notes was everything on the test.
3. The day before the test, we did a practice worksheet that was identical to the test except for different numbers. I was available the entire period to help. They were to study the worksheet to prepare for the test.
4. They were allowed to use their notes for the test.
5. They are allowed to retake the test, provided they come in after school, show me their notes, ask for help with whatever they don't understand, spend that night studying, and come in whenever they feel ready to retake.
In spite of all this, more than half the kids failed. Very few have bothered to retake. The class averages hovered around 65 percent, which is what they averaged on their last benchmarks. This tells me my grades are accurate.
I have gone over and over this in my mind, and I just refuse to inflate their grades. I didn't curve the test, and I won't. Their grades are an accurate reflection of their knowledge of the subject matter, which is as it should be.
Since I have so many kids failing, the number of parents wanting to meet with me has gone way up. I had five last week. I have two already this coming week. One of which is with the kid that called me retarded yesterday. He is failing math miserably and is just a jerk.
One of the parents last week, for some idiotic reason, believed her kid when she said she does all her homework, and studied, and has no idea why she's failing math. Well, I told a very different story and had examples of the kid's work to prove everything I said. The kid slouches in her desk during class, paying little or no attention to what is happening. She doesn't do her homework. She turns in papers that have 1 or 2 problems, the ones we did together in class, and nothing else so she gets zeros. She didn't even use her notes on her test. When her mom asked her why, she just shrugged. Well, this poor mother just cried. It was AWFUL. I said to the kid, in a very stern voice, "Look at your mother. LOOK AT HER. Do you see what you are doing to her? Do you??" The end result was very good; the parents took away her cell phone, her priveleges, everything. (This particular child is part African-American and has her hair done in small braids, very long, very pretty, and she is extremely vain about her hair.) They told her that if she doesn't fix herself, then when it's time to get her hair done, they just aren't going to do it. But the news isn't good. The kid was supposed to give me an apology letter, and talk to me after class on Friday, and she didn't do it. The parents told me specifically that if this kid didn't do that, would I please email and let them know. So, she isn't doing what she is supposed to do to fix herself. I only hope the parents follow through with what they told her.
Back to the failing grades. I have another student who transferred from another district in Tucson and his grade in math was a C. He can't do fractions, decimals or integers. He is one of the nicest kids I have ever taught, but he has no skills. How did he have a C? Because other teachers are inflating the grades. I just won't do it. My conscience will not allow it. But I know that with this many kids failing, there is a good chance the administration will come down on me. It hurts the school's reputation.
What to do? We have another test coming up on area and perimeter. I fear the results.

What a nightmare!

I had a school nightmare last night. I was a 7th grade teacher with no supplies, kids that behaved like animals, and a staff so big that I felt I knew noone. (That's not the nightmare yet, that is reality.) Then, for some ridiculous reason, the administration asked me to teach 1st grade and I AGREED! So I went into the new classroom and there were probably 40 first graders running around. There were boxes and jars and cans and containers stacked up to the ceiling in every corner and along every wall, full of every kind of school supply you can imagine. The kids were all seated in a circle around a huge island which was also stacked to the ceiling. Supplies, good, right? NO! They were all disorganized!! There were pencils mixed with crayons, bulletin board borders in the same container with math manipulatives, etc. It was a giant mess! And I had inherited it! My email inbox was jam packed with read and unread emails, and even though they were all addressed to me, I couldn't understand any of them! Then the kids started running amok, and of course I didn't know any of their names, for I had taken over in the middle of the school day and didn't even know where the seating chart was! One of the kids, who was like 17 years old and had facial hair and looked very mean, tried to go outside through the sliding glass door (!?) and when I tried to stop him, he grabbed my wrist and twisted. I kicked him out and promptly started sobbing because I had made such a bad decision. I sat down in my teacher chair among all the boxes and containers, and cried for a minute and I don't know what the children were doing. Then I realized I had better start acting like a teacher so I got up and started to check on one of the kids, and realized I had no underwear or pants on!!! They were on the floor about 10 feet from my desk!! In my dream, I was thinking, this is like a dream! That's how real it was. I put my pants and underwear back on and the bell rang, and I had to ask the kids if that was the dismissal bell. They said yes, so I told them I would see them tomorrow. On their way out I noticed that one of them was a PARENT!! And all I could think of was that if she saw me without pants on, I was going to get fired!
Then I woke up with a pounding headache. Oh. My. God.

Wednesday Bitchery on Thursday

I had a really sucky walkjog today. Why was it sucky, you ask? Well, for one, I woke up with a splitting headache. There have been a few mornings that I have had a headache getting up but it goes away shortly after I get outside and start walkjogging. This one, however, seemed to get worse. It is at bay right now but I am going to have to take something so it doesn't come back. So that was the first reason. Secondly, I am noticing that when I have a really good day, and push myself, the next day is very difficult. Yesterday was a particularly good day and I jogged most of the two miles. So today it felt like I was walkjogging through a swimming pool, I took one less lap around the park than usual, and finishing felt like a chore rather than a victory. There, I got that off my chest. Maybe now I can lighten up and have a good day. After all, it's Top Chef on Tivo night!! My favorite night of the week!

It's not my fault...

that people don't know the difference between DINNER and SUPPER anymore.

eHarmony = eDiscord

My sister has scored quite a few bad dates on eHarmony, so I decided to give it another try. What is better than bad dates, after all? Turns out bad emails are also much fun. But perhaps I overreact. You be the judge. Here is the communication that took place in less than the past 24 hours:

Him: my name is tim and i taught math for pima college for 16 years. What are you up to today?

Me: Hi,
I am just relaxing after a good day at work. :)
Did you enjoy teaching math? I really like it most of the time.

Him: i enjoyed it very much. I also taught a lot of aviation courses also. Do you enjoy snuggling under a blanket watching movies? lets get together and enjoy each others company!

My initial reaction is to immediately close the match. He's too forward, it gave me the creeps. How about suggesting a phone call or a lunch date? We go immediately from email to snuggling under a blanket? EW. What say ye?

The Fiery Pits of Hell

I was really dreading my first day back to work. I spent quite a bit of energy on it. It's the first time I have dreaded going to work since I started teaching. Thankfully, all that energy was wasted. It was a good day. The kids were subdued, probably tired from getting up early after two weeks of sleeping in. Only a few kids were mean. One of my team members said hi at lunch and actually sounded happy to see me. So, I am feeling much better about my ability to make it through the end of the school year! In my mind, I have come to refer to my classroom as the fiery pits of hell. Maybe by the end of the year I will have changed my mind.

Happy New Year! Hadn't you better lose some weight?

It happens every year at this time. This year I am either noticing it more, or it's actually getting worse. It's resolution season and it seems every advertisement in America is directed at women, and they are telling us we need to lose weight. There are commercials on TV and radio. The magazine covers are full of helpful suggestions. Every website I visit has at least one banner suggesting a great new diet.
Well, go to hell, all of you! I don't care what time of year it is! If I feel I'm in need of your services, I will contact YOU! BACK OFF!

What is this water coming from the sky?

I can't walk today because it's raining. Finally. The weatherpersons have been telling us it is going to rain for three days and this morning it is here. Today at school we are supposed to have our reward for the students who have been good all quarter. We are having them play board games, then watching a movie, then we are supposed to walk to Peter Piper Pizza so they can eat and play games. But if it's raining we won't be able to walk. So it should be an interesting day!

1 down, 14 to go!

I guess it's the norm in the teacher culture to count the days from one break to the next. It is strange to me because when my colleagues say things about how many days left until the next break, I think they must be as miserable as I am at their job. Which begs the question, why is anyone teaching? Why? The money sucks. You spend your day being treated like a booger smeared on a wall. You pour every ounce of energy you have into helping kids learn, only to be blamed when they don't. I guess these people are still teaching because they did what I did, and got their degree in education, and now what are they doing to do with an education degree besides teach? I just don't know. I have always said that life is too short to spend it doing something that makes you miserable. Maybe there is some reward to it that I haven't realized yet. But if that were true, why would everyone be counting the days? I don't know. I just don't know. I am trying real hard to stay positive, although reading what I just wrote, it doesn't seem like I am doing a very good job. I'll have to try harder.

1 down, 2 to go!

This 3 day week tends to be one of the longest in the teaching year. This week, the week before Christmas, and the week before school gets out for the summer are kinda tough! The thing that is different about this three day week is the number of parents who think their kid won't miss anything, and anyway they really have to get out of town so the kids can just miss school!! The number of absences is staggering. A full 20% of my homebase was gone yesterday and it will only increase as the week goes on. It leaves the teacher in somewhat of a difficult position. I don't want to waste the instructional time. The kids that show up deserve to have school go on. But I don't want to teach anything difficult because there are too many kids gone, and I will just have to reteach it. So, I am teaching something easy enough for the kids who are gone to suck it up and learn on their own, but hard enough that being in school for it is definitely a benefit.
Outside of work, things are awesome! The house is ready for Thanksgiving. I am ready for Thanksgiving. The groceries are bought, the chairs are in place, the floor is clean. Yay!

It's going to be a long one.

I did not sleep much last night. I woke up around midnight and tossed and turned for a while. Then I decided the problem was that I was much too hungry, so I got up and ate a bowl of cereal. I went back to bed and tossed and turned for another hour or so, and then finally decided to take a sleeping pill. Now it's time to get ready for work and I only took the sleeping pill about 5 hours ago so I'm unbelievably tired!
While I am complaining, I have something else to rag about. I want Christmas to go away for another week. Do you hear me, Christmas? I have another full week before Thanksgiving day, which is when it's officially OK to start thinking about you. So I am putting you on notice: LEAVE NOW and don't come back for another week.

Top 10

Top 10 reasons I can tell I am getting better:
10. My appetite has returned.
9. I am crying less than once a day.
8. No more nausea in the morning.
7. Getting up in the morning is feeling less like a chore and more like a good thing.
6. I have walked every weekday for the past two weeks.
5. I cooked dinner twice this week.
4. I can stay up past 8:00.
3. My coffee tastes good again.
2. I am singing along with the radio in the car like I used to.
And the number one reason I can tell I am getting better....
1. I just made the frosting for the kids to decorate gingerbread houses on Thanksgiving! My first official act to get ready for the holiday.

I'm #1

I found this article about the 10 germiest jobs in America and guess what! My job is #1 on the list. I think I already knew that but it was funny to see it.

Walking

This past Monday I started getting up earlier and walking in the mornings. It's been four days now and man was it hard getting out there this morning. But I did it.

Weeds

My backyard is full of weeds. Dead weeds, mostly. I really need to get rid of them. But every time I try, I get overwhelmed and come back inside. I bought a hula-hoe so I could just chop them and then put them in a garbage bag. So I go outside and do one little area, and then look at the rest of the yard. Then I promptly put the hoe down and go back inside. It's maddening! The weeds are totally stressing me out. Every time I look out there, I think, I have to get rid of those weeds. Go outside, chop a few down, go back inside. It's just never going to get done at this point. Stupid weeds.

Freedom from Food

In my new stress-filled life, I have discovered a fringe benefit that I haven't experienced since my divorce 10 years ago. Food has become a bother. Eating is something I must do periodically to keep my body going. There is no enjoyment whatsoever in it. It is very strange. Even my morning coffee is compulsory and doesn't really taste good anymore. I am not sure how much longer this will go on but I am quite certain it's not forever so I am taking advantage of the opportunity to lose weight. Now if I could just get myself to exercise...

I'm Free!

I told my principal yesterday that I couldn't finish my two weeks. It was dishonorable and weak but I did it anyway because I can't take going there anymore. She was really good about it, too. So, I'm done with the prison! YAY!! I can hardly contain my excitement. Now I am going to work on getting my files ready for my new job, since I may actually be able to use the stuff I have.
I am also really excited about watching the vice presidential debate tonight at my sister's house. It should be a hootin hollerin good time.

I called in sick!

I don't have to go to my last Tuesday in prison because I called in sick. I might just call later on today and say that I'm not coming back at all. I just might do that.

Last Monday

Today is my last Monday at the prison. I should be happy but I am just as filled with anxiety as I always am before work. Stomach revolting, shaking, sweating, panic-filled and so tired. But I will get through the day, just like I have for the last month, hour by hour. It will pass by, no matter how slowly. Or, maybe I'll get lucky and it will go by fast! It's happened before!

What if I forgot how to teach?

Only one more week until I can be a teacher again. I took a 7th grade math position at a middle school about 15 minutes away from my house. I worry that I have forgotten how to teach in the last 5 months of insanity. What if I don't know what to do? Then I think that's just silly, of course I will know what to do!! I will snap back into being a teacher because that's what I do. This last 5 months has been an aberration. I guess I just wanted to see what it was like to be a corrections officer. Well, now I know. I also know it's not the job for me! I just don't want to delude myself about the situation I am going into now. I will be taking over someone else's classroom after an entire quarter, which is no small job. I just have to have faith that I will know what to do, that the last 3 years experience will be enough to get me through the transition. I am totally excited about being around 7th graders again.

The old man

Yesterday the old man I work with told me I was "falling apart like a ten dollar shotgun and wound up tighter than a ten cent watch." So I guess he mixes his metaphors. That one actually felt kind of mean so I didn't really respond when he said that. Usually I laugh at him.
He has been working at the prison forever. I mean, like 20 years or something. Once when I asked him what the secret was, he told me he was heavily sedated and offered to give me the number of his doctor. I can never tell when he is serious so I just laughed.
He is also the one that said to me once, "What in the cornbreaded hell are you eating?" Which made me laugh so hard I almost spewed my food all over the table.
If I can get through today, only 5 more days left.

8 more days

I put in my 2 week notice on Monday, so my time at the facility grows short. Thank Goddess, because that place is so full of ugliness I can't keep going there without changing who I am. So I'm leaving. There is this old man I work with who reminds me a lot of my papa. Yesterday he found out I was quitting and he said, "All I had to do was take a look at your face over the past two weeks to know you were falling apart like a ten dollar watch." I thanked him for being supportive. 8 more days.

no school!

Today is a no school day, which means I still report for work but there won't be any classes. I have to go to a training for the new electronic gradebook but other than that, I can spend the whole day doing lesson plans and cleaning the pigsty of a classroom I have inherited. (There is no custodial staff where I work.)
The phone I bought on e-bay seems to be broken. So people, if you need to reach me, use email! On another fun note, I appear to be developing another skin tag. Is this something that happens with age? EW!

The best sandwich ever

I just had a tuna sandwich with bread and butter pickles on toasted whole wheat. I just had to share because it was the best. sandwich. ever. Or maybe I was just really hungry.

MIT

My kid got a letter from MIT. Not a big deal letter, just an invitation saying when and where their recruiters would be. But still, MIT?? Holy crap.

Last Day!

Today is my last day of academy! I made it! Or, I'm really close anyway! If I can just get through today I will be done. Today we're learning about classroom management.
Yesterday, one of the cadets was dismissed. She was the one that kept raising her hand asking really stupid questions. The instructor would be reading the powerpoint, hammering home some stupid point that was totally obvious to anyone with half a brain. Of course her hand would go up. Then she would ask a question that had either already been answered or was on the next slide. It drove everyone else crazy. Anyway the past 2 days we have been learning how to physically restrain someone when they are acting aggressively. It's been very hands-on, and we've had to overcome the whole "you're a boy and I don't want your arms around my waist" thing. She had a really hard time with the whole thing and I guess they decided she is a security risk. So she's gone, just like that! Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal. NOT! I'm being mean, but I'm glad she's gone.

I got promoted

Not really, I didn't get promoted to head of the math department. What really happened is the other math teacher quit. So now I'm it. This means my class sizes will be huge. We're talking 16 screwed up, ADHD, sometimes violent high school aged boys in the same room. I just don't see a whole lot of teaching going on. Well, it's a good thing I am going through academy so I can be a corrections officer instead. Yeah, it's just a good thing.

4 more days

Only 4 more days of that lousy academy! I cannot wait to be done!
All that sitting makes me so restless. It's good to have a refresher perspective on what my students' days are like. It will help me remember to have them actively participating and up out of their seats every 15 minutes or so.
So, it will make me a better teacher, and that's really all that matters in the long run. It's the short run that gets me.

Two things

Two things have happened since I started working at the department of corrections. First, I am much more feminine when I am at home than I used to be. I need to have my nails just so, my toes pedicured, something sparkly somewhere on my body, and lots and lots of pink. Second, I am watching more cartoons. I find that I have lost interest in every other tv show I used to watch, and now the only things I watch are The Simpsons and Family Guy. Why? Because I get plenty of reality all day long. When I get home, I need to be a princess in a more pleasant, funny reality. A reality where the criminals don't hurt anyone and the police bungle around, never catching them. Those are my observations so far. It's still been such a short time, who knows what the long term effects will be! If I keep the job, and that's still a big if.
Only 9 more days of academy left to go. I can do it! I can do it!

13 to go

Only 13 more academy days to go. I'm almost halfway through. Yesterday was actually much, much better. We learned about drugs and mental health treatment, so the classes were interesting. We will be tested on this material, and they gave us a study guide with the test questions, so we had that to fill out as well. All in all, not a bad day. Hopefully today will be as good or better!

Another funny CNN bias note... I guess they are full on supporting Barack Obama. On their website, there is a link that says "Who will Obama pick as VP?" Then right below it is a link that says "Who will be John McCain's running mate?"

Day 3

This is day 3 of 3 days of training in Phoenix. I am really looking forward to getting home. I like my coworkers, but nobody needs to spend this much time around the people they work with! There's bonding, then there's bonding. Right now, for example, I have my back turned to my still slumbering roommate. Why? She apparently doesn't wear underwear to bed, and let me tell you a full moon is out, plus some.

More stupid academy

Today we are learning CPR and first aid so maybe it won't be quite so boring. We have to actually do CPR on a dummy. Ugh. Picture doing that in a starched white shirt and creased pants. YUCK!
It's seriously so bad, I want to quit the freaking job to avoid going. But, people who have been through it keep telling me it will pick up after the first 2 weeks are over. I really, really hope so.

Death of a Student

One of my mentor teachers told me before I actually started teaching that it was a job that will break your heart. "You will see things you are powerless over," she said. "You will be their mother and their friend, and spend more time with them than any other adult, and then you will have to let them go. Some of them will die. Some of them will die because they killed themselves. You have to be ready for that."
I never forgot that conversation because I knew it was true. But nobody can prepare you for when it actually happens. And it does indeed break your heart.
****, you will be missed. You were such a special girl - one of my favorites, but don't tell anyone! I'm sorry you had to go so soon. You were beautiful inside and out. Rest in peace, lovely child.

Black and Whites

At stupid academy the other day, we were talking about the difference between preference and bias. I gave the example of black and white cookies. If I am going to eat a cookie, I prefer a black and white cookie. My bias, however, is MY black and white cookies.
Well, you should have seen the reaction. After class, the instructor told me what day she would be returning to class and asked if she could have a black and white cookie. Then, the coordinator (the big boss) told me that one of the other cadets' birthdays would fall the Sunday before, and would I be willing to make cookies for everyone to celebrate? She would be more than happy to reimburse me for the cost of making the cookies. She would get some milk for us from the kitchen.
So, long story short, at least we get a small escape from the stupid academy to have cookies and milk. (Don't worry Marianne, I will make some for you too.)

stupid academy

The pace of the training academy has picked up a bit so it's not quite so torturous. I find myself making little deals with the clock. Like, it's 9:30 now. At 9:43 I will eat this piece of candy. Then at 9:53, I will take a drink of water. I don't know if that gives you a little picture of what it's like in there. They have power point presentation after power point presentation and they read the slides verbatim. Then they tell a story, which is not really a story because it's not in the least bit entertaining. Then they go to the next slide.
It's Thursday, which means I am on the downside slope of the week. Hooray! Two whole days of not wearing a starched white shirt and black pants. The freedom! The blessed freedom!!!!

1 down, 23 to go

I am counting down the days of academy. I absolutely hated yesterday. HATED IT. It was so incredibly boring and we sat almost the entire day. Sitting still is NOT one of my better talents. At least not without a book in my hands, and I was afraid of getting into trouble if I did that. We have to address everyone as "Sir" or "Ma'am" and if we forget they remind us. We have to stand at parade rest and wait to be told to sit down. At the end of class we have to stand at attention and wait to be dismissed. We have to wear shiny black shoes, black pants with a crease, and long sleeved white dress shirts with creases on the arms. The commander told us to starch the creases so they will last all day.
SIGH.

academy

I start my 5-week training academy tomorrow. Yikes. The dress code is a long-sleeved, white, button up shirt with a collar, tucked in to a black or navy blue pair of dress pants or a skirt that goes below the knee. I have to wear shined black shoes and wear my hair up. It's like the freaking army or something. UGH! And I look totally fat when I have to tuck in my shirt! I can't believe I have to spend 5 weeks dressed like that.
Plus, the whole thing takes place in a classroom. It's all lectures, memorization and tests. DOUBLE UGH. Well, I suppose I'll get through it one way or another.

Mary Poppinfus

You know how your dermatologist tells you to shield yourself from the sun with an umbrella, but very few people actually do it? Well, I do it because of my sun allergy. I've been doing it for a while so it doesn't bother me anymore when people laugh, stare, or ask questions. (Which they do, by the way!) Anyway yesterday one of my co-workers called me Mary Poppinfus and I thought it was so funny I might have a hernia laughing.
In other news, yesterday I slept until 5:00 a.m. and today I probably would have except that my crazy, apparently nocturnal daughter was playing with her alarm clock (literally, sitting up on her bed with the light on, playing with the buttons) and it went off at 4:00, and I woke up. She has her first day of school today and she was just setting her alarm before she went to sleep.

3:13

Seriously. I woke up this early in spite of taking an anti-anxiety pill last night before bed. So I wonder, how much of a problem is this? I wake up, drink coffee, and go on my computer. I read the news, the blogs, and maybe play some games. Then I go for a walk before I get ready for work. It's a pleasant morning. When I get home from work, I fix dinner and we eat. Then it's over. I try to keep awake, but rarely can make it after 8:00. I go to sleep. Then I start over. I get between 7 and 8 hours of sleep a night - it's just not through the night like most people. All my life I have required at least 8 - 9 hours, sometimes 10.
So, is it a problem?

3:44

I can't sleep.

Old fart!!!

John McCain is an old fart! He says he is learning how to use that newfangled interweb thingy all by himself.
Seriously!
This is the person that nearly half the country is comfortable with answering the red phone? He can't sign on by himself yet! He'll be completely helpless without his staff!

I get to say 10-4 and mean it

If you had told me at any point in my past that I would have a job requiring me to say 10-4 and meaning it, I would have laughed hard enough to pee my pants! Well guess what. I have to talk on the radio, and I have to use radio codes! I am not used to it yet. I still feel really stupid every time I have to talk. I worry that I sound stupid. How can you not sound stupid saying, "Oh. Ok, 10-4. I mean, 10-4. Ok, thank you." That's the kind of thing I do. I can just see the guys in the security office laughing. At least I didn't say good buddy.

It wasn't a date.

Turns out, this guy wanted information. He is suing our mutual ex-district, because he wasn't treated fairly, and he wanted information about how I was treated before I left. I was treated badly but not nearly as bad as he was.
The thing is I don't want to help him. A job is a job and you just have to keep looking until you find the one that doesn't feel like a job. Bosses sometimes suck, sometimes they are crazy and they treat you like poop. It's just life. I don't want to be a part of a lawsuit like this one.
Also, I feel stupid for thinking that he was interested in me in that way.

I went for a walk

Yesterday I assigned my children a new chore: Take Mom for a walk. I have GOT to exercise every day. I know this. So, I am having them drag my sorry ass off the couch after dinner for a walk. Just a short one, not even a very vigorous one. Just a walk. Quality bonding time, we'll call it.
In other news, I may have a date tonight. I'm just really not sure if it's a date or not. If a guy calls you and says, "I would love to buy you lunch or dinner," is that asking you out on a date? Ugh. Probably yes.
So, that is happening tonight.

Play it safe!

You know those Safe Auto commercials, where they have some idiot talking about how they've had so many accidents, nobody will insure them? Then the Safe Auto person comes on and says, "Play it safe! Call now." I've always hated those commercials. It's like they are saying, we don't care HOW bad you drive! Have as many accidents as you want! Kill people for all we care! Just give us your money!
Yesterday I was driving home there was a car in the left hand lane, going about 20 mph under the speed limit. Everyone is trying to get around the car but the car has pulled up next to a very large cement truck and is going the same speed, which is about 20 mph below the speed limit. Traffic quickly backed up. I could see the car right behind the slow car, flashing their lights and trying to get the slow car to do something about the situation. The slow car driver remained blissfully unaware.
Finally the cement truck turned, and we could all get around the slow car. I noticed while I was shooting daggers with my eyes at the (handicapped and elderly) driver that they had a Safe Auto bumper sticker on their car.
So not only have they had so many accidents they need Safe Auto insurance, they are also advertising for the company. OY VEY!! The whole thing should be illegal. I told my kids they had better take my license away when I start driving like that. Of course they said something to the effect of, hand it over then. *sigh*

Obama leads McCain among people who fart in their sleep

I saw this headline today on Yahoo! news: Obama leads McCain among people who don't have pets.
Seriously, since when do we poll pet owners about their presidential preferences? Why won't the press just say that Obama leads McCain?
It's clear what side Yahoo! is on... the title of the article is actually "Pet Owners Prefer McCain Over Obama." The neutral press has vanished, my friends. Everyone is taking sides this time.

Oh yeah.

A couple of days ago I did something so completely out of character, I am still shocked by it. I bought a hammock.
Why is it so shocking? Well, a hammock has no value other than relaxation. Also, it cost over $100.00. Generally I am loath to spend that kind of money on things that are not essential, especially when they are not essential to me. But it's something I have always wanted. I had the money, and it was on clearance, so I bought it. I could have bought one that was cheaper, but it was also ugly. So not only did I splurge on a hammock, but I extra splurged on a PRETTY hammock. Oh, the humanity!
Here is me in my new hammock:

This black woman??

She (Michelle Obama) needs to reintroduce herself to America so that people won't be terrified that this BLACK WOMAN is going to be doing GOD KNOWS WHAT in the white house???
Watch this clip and tell me you are proud to be an American.
I am so f@%&ing pissed right now, I could spit.

My job is so entertaining.

Seriously, these kids crack me up! The other day I was 10 minutes late for class (it's a whole other Oprah, I was sitting in the teacher's lounge, blissfully unaware that I had to teach that period) and I walked in to find the kids sitting quietly, apparently shocked into submission by my absence. One of them told me that when they are late for something, they get reported or something like that. So I said, let me get you some paper and a pencil. You should definitely report this to somebody. He proceeded to write a two page complaint, listing all my thinking errors and insisting that I take responsibility for my actions. He made me sign at the bottom and write that I was willing to accept feedback from my students about how my tardiness affected them. He used all the lingo the treatment people use with the kids. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life! For my thinking errors, he wrote something like this:
Selfishness - Ms. Papenfus was late because she wanted to look nice for some criminals who don't care how she looks. (I had told them I was late because I was straightening my hair. I couldn't very well tell them I had completely FORGOTTEN about them)
Uniqueness - Ms. Papenfus thinks it is ok to be late because she should have her hair straight, when nobody else here has that privelege.
He wrote some other stuff that I can't remember. It was so gosh darn funny, I am still laughing 3 days later. The administrators got their hands on it, and after thanking me for taking the time to build a relationship with this student, laughed so hard I think they almost wet their pants.
So, the bottom line is that there is good in this place.

We can all fist bump like Michelle!

We can't look as good while doing it though... check it out.

I got the t-shirt.

My daughter and I found Obama t-shirts on cafepress.com and bought one for each of us. She had a hard time believing I was spending the money, so I told her how important it was to support the candidate we believe in. I also told her she has to wear it every chance she gets because after November it will be just like the bumper stickers we all have to peel off our cars. It is just so exciting to me, to finally have a candidate I can really get behind! I am grateful that my daughters are witnessing this historic election year.

This is good

I'm tired

It's my 4th day and I am exhausted. It's the typical new job exhaustion that comes from learning new things all day. It's ok though, just today and then the weekend. Woohoo!
Today I should be getting my ID card and computer account so I can log in. I talked to the principal yesterday about getting a classroom and pulling a small group of kids out, even though I haven't been through the academy yet. So today I am going to write a plan and she said she will approve it. It's a good thing because I can't observe anymore. I'm just not the observing kind. I need to get in there and screw up and piss people off. You know, be myself.

2nd day was ok too!

I am starting to feel a little more comfortable with the boys. There is so much to learn about what is OK and what isn't. For example they don't get in trouble for throwing around the f-word, but any comment that can be construed as a threat gets them in big trouble, even if they were joking. It's a different world.
The kids' pencils have had the erasers removed because the metal band that holds the eraser to the pencil is too dangerous. Mr. B (the math teacher I am working with) says that if he gives them erasers, they throw them or tear them up or put their gang signs on them. So, we carry erasers around in our pockets and the boys have to ask to use them.
I am starting to think about how I will run my classroom. All this observation is boring but definitely worthwhile.

First day was OK!

It looks like I will be observing until June 30th and then I will start my academy training. That lasts 5 1/2 weeks, then I can get into my classroom. I will have one hella boring summer, but who cares. I am getting paid. Things I learned on my first day:
1. I need to wear clothes that de-emphasize my breasts.
2. The f-word has many more uses than I thought possible.
3. Everything not in my pockets has to be locked up. Therefore don't bring anything that won't fit in pockets.
My stupid ex-principal had the secretary call me yesterday morning and leave a message saying I needed to come in because I had never checked out. Meaning, I never had her (the principal) sign the stupid list of things I was supposed to get done before I left. I did all of them, even had people sign off. Then I threw the list away. If they wanted to inspect my classroom, they had plenty of time. I didn't call back and I'm not going to.

Watch out for Wii Fit

My daughter Jessica turned 17 last week. I got her a laptop computer - too extravagant, I agree. She needs it for an AP class she is taking in her senior year. I figure if she passes the AP test then the money saved on tuition makes the computer well worth it. Anyway, her father rarely buys her birthday presents. This year, for some inexplicable reason, he bought Wii Fit as her birthday present even though it's not really for her, it's for the whole family. She told me she thought he was making a fat joke. I asked if she wanted the game, and she said yes, and I said then it's fine, right? Although I agreed it was insensitive. Not unusual for her father.
So she gets on the balance board to play the game, which then proceeds to tell her she is very nearly FAT. She texted me to tell me that. I wrote back saying if the &*$#% machine is going to tell her she's fat, it's probably going to tell someone like me to go ahead and put a bullet in my head. She said it was cool though because you can set goals for yourself and the machine monitors your progress. Great, I said. Fantastic.
Turns out the stupid game uses BMI index to decide whether people are fat. BMI works perfectly well for adults, or those that are full grown. For anyone who is not through with their development, BMI changes weekly if not monthly because the body is still developing. That means a teenager who is stocky today may be getting ready for a growth spurt which will even them out by next month. It's not a good idea to look at a still developing body, and make a determination about that child's overall health, except in extreme cases. This is another thing parents already know, and have to prepare for every year when we take our daughters to the pediatrician. The pediatrician puts their height and weight on a chart which can tell us at a glance whether we are very nearly fat. Only they call it overweight.
We parents work hard enough to convince our daughters that nothing is wrong with their bodies; that they are beautiful just the way they are; that the people they see on TV and in magazines are not reality; that their bodies are developing NORMALLY. So thanks, Wii, for that. Thanks for telling my daughter she is VERY NEARLY FAT. Thanks for confirming her fears that she is less than a person due to her belly, or legs, or whatever body part she is fixated on these days. By thank you, what I mean to say is FUCK YOU.
I'm not the only parent having a cow, man - you can read more here.
Fucking morons. I'm so pissed.

Last day of school!

I have a sub because I am going to the 8th grade promotion. So I kind of have to dress nice. EW.
Then, I can pack up my classroom and LEAVE!!! WOOOOOOHOOOO!!!!!!

Well I got through yesterday in one piece. I went to bed at 8:30 though, I was so tired. Now just three and a half more days to go!
This year I am saying goodbye to kids that I have taught for two years. Some of them paid me the biggest compliment I think I have ever had... yesterday, as soon as they got their yearbooks, they got a pass to come to my classroom and asked me to sign. It was so awesome. Of course I was in the middle of teaching a lesson so I had to say no, I'll sign it Monday! But it made me feel really good. It's difficult to describe the emotions of letting these kids go. I've loved them unconditionally, made them work so hard many of them came to tears at one point or another, and watched them grow both physically and emotionally. They are ready for high school, most of them, without a doubt. The ones who aren't ready have been crippled by parents who refuse to let their kids be responsible for their own stuff. Not much to be done about that. They are the vast minority.
Watching them move on to high school is kind of like watching your own kid when they make some huge accomplishment, like the first time they ride a two-wheeler alone or talk themselves through solving a problem. It's a whole lot of pride, mixed with sadness knowing you'll probably never see most of them again, and hopefulness for the future of our society because these are the kids who will be in charge in 10 years and some of them are just brilliant. They come in to my classroom shorter than me, tiny, scared little things with zero self-confidence and afraid of everything! They leave much taller than me, holding the world in the palms of their hands, and believing they can do anything. It's quite a sight. I wish everyone could see it!

Today will be crazy!

All the 8th graders are going on a field trip today, so I'm spending all day with the 7th graders. They get their yearbooks today as well, which adds to the fun. I remember yearbook day when I was in school. It was hard to think about anything else. I think I'll give them time at the beginning of each period to look at them and sign them. I guess I am supposed to teach today, but I just don't see a whole lot getting done! Maybe we'll just play games.

I had a dream...

Last night I had a dream about my principal. In my dream, she called me into her office. She looked very serious. She said, "I know that you are planning on going out tonight and getting completely wasted." I said, "No, I don't have any plans like that..." She said, "I know that you are stressed and you want to blow off some steam." She was talking like she was angry about it though. And I said, "Well, let's say I am planning on tying one on. What are you worried about? That I won't come to work tomorrow?" She said, "Well..." and I said, "I am coming to work tomorrow, and the next day and the next, until the school year is over." The whole thing was so weird. Then I woke up.

I don't have anything interesting to say.

But I still feel like I need to blog. So be warned, if anyone even reads this thing: everything you are about to read is very uninteresting!
Six more days with the students left to go. They are becoming so difficult to deal with. Hyper and out of control... ugh! It takes a supreme act of patience to get through each period. Sometimes when I get really upset and I have to work extra hard not to lose my temper and just start screaming at them, it feels like my heart is palpitating or skipping beats or something. It's scary.
I have this elective class where I am teaching them how to solve linear equations using the graphing calculator. They have learned a ton, and the class always goes by fast, but they are still in shock every single day when they have an assignment to do. They think since it's an elective, they shouldn't have to actually do anything. So every day is a huge struggle. Well yesterday they wouldn't even line up right. I made them line up three times. They just didn't give a crap. So I said, "Give me a thumbs up when you are ready to come in quietly. If you want to act like 3rd graders, then that is how you'll be treated." I pointed at the first student and he gave me a thumbs down. I said, "Go to the office." I pointed at the next one, and he pointed his thumb to the side. I said, "Go to the office." The third student did the same thing. Well I can't very well send all of them to the office, and they know it. So I called the other two back, and we went inside. They thought they won... until I passed out the decimal worksheets. They sat and did worksheet after worksheet for 40 minutes. No talking, no calculator, no way to make the time go faster. The little shits. So I hope today goes better.
The 8th graders, on the other hand, even though their behavior leaves much to be desired - are factoring quadratic equations using an area model and a graphical representation. These are skills most college algebra students don't have. So I am really proud of them, because they learned it.

7 days

7 days left after today. I'm getting through the school day hour by hour at this point! The kids are completely off the wall. One good thing about the school I am going to next, there is no summer break! There is no break, period!

19 days

I am finding it easier to ignore my asshat principal. I'm not hiding in my room anymore or keeping a low profile. If she wants to come after me, then by all means! I wish I could just tell her. Give me what you got. You'll come out on the wrong end of that tangle, I can promise you that. I've definitely come up against worse than a passive- agressive, cowardly superbitch. I've got math teaching to do, so get out of my way.
Speaking of math teaching, I am pushing my students so hard it's not even funny. It is one good way of keeping them from noticing there are only 18 days of school left. I'm treating the 8th graders like high school algebra students, and the 7th graders like 8th graders. The only thing I am not doing is piling on the homework. I keep giving them problems that are just above their current level of math, and then putting them in groups and making them struggle through it. I'm not helping them. They are exhausted by the time they leave. And sometimes pissed at me. That's ok... they are learning. Not just math, but learning how to problem solve and get by on their own. I only step in when I see a group getting ready to come to blows. They are doing great! I'm so proud of them.

Can I call it a harvest?

I got all these tomatoes from my plant today! It's almost enough for a salad!!

21 more days

That's all I have to do... just 21 more days. It is increasingly stressful at work. I called my principal on Sunday with a nasty cold, to let her know I wouldn't be in on Monday. She didn't get me a sub, so the rest of my team had to cover my classes. She had her secretary call me Monday morning to check and see if I was really sick. Then when I got mad, she said I misunderstood the phone call. Yesterday after one of my classes I was answering questions about the homework right after the dismissal bell, and I looked up to see her leaving my classroom. A few minutes later I got an email saying I needed to be at my door between classes. She saw me talking to the students... what am I supposed to do, ignore them so I can stand in the doorway?? The only thing that makes me feel better is to keep packing up my room, so that on the last day I can leave faster than a speeding bullet. I'm not going to the stupid pot-luck, either.
In the meantime I just keep repeating that saying about people being about as happy as they make up their minds to be, and make my mind up to be happy.

It's almost official.

I got a call yesterday from the people at the state, offering me the job at the correctional school. The salary is higher than I expected and they are very eager to get me on board. They wanted me to give two weeks notice. I'm certain those positions are so difficult to fill that when they get somebody who is qualified, they want to get right on it. I am going to the school on May 7th to shadow the math teacher so I can see what my days will look like. Now I just have to get through the corrections officer academy.... ugh. They had better not make me run.

6 more weeks.

I am counting down the days until I am finished at my school. On Friday, there was an announcement after lunch telling all students of a certain teacher to report to the library instead of class. His nameplate was removed from the door almost immediately. The door was locked. His classroom is right next door to mine, so I went through the adjoining workroom and asked him what was going on. He was utterly bewildered, packing everything in boxes in a complete daze. He said he didn't know what happened - they just told him there had been some parent complaints and they did not want him to finish out the school year. He was to pack everything and go, right then.
Common sense tells me he must have done something really bad, but wouldn't he know why he was being asked to leave, if that was the case? For my own peace of mind, I need to know that he did something to justify the way he was treated. But nobody will say anything. It's like he didn't exist.
The culture of fear at this district is simply intolerable. I hope I am not next... but then again, if they fire me I won't have to count down any more days!

Thank Goddess, Marianne....

They finally came up with a notebook suitable for us.
...each page will be triple-perforated and seven-hole-punched, which Mead representative Kurt Fleming said is "essential for the 21st-century graduate student." The notebook will also have more spirals. Asked to explain why this particular change was made, Fleming responded, "This notebook was designed with graduate students in mind."

OMG, AIMS

My students were laughing at me today because I was mocking their text language. I said something like, "OMG, NYD!" (oh my god, no you didn't) and they were shocked! Then they started laughing and asking if I knew what this meant and what that meant, and they wondered how I knew about all of this?
So, being the wet blanket I am, I brought the whole thing to a screeching halt by saying, "OMG, AIMS 2mro!! Let's get back to work."
BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!

Oh, Yeah!!!

Another reason to love being single!

AIMS Stress

I am handling it better this year, because I knew it was coming. Still, I am stressed about the testing next week. I continue to be more stressed by the administration than the actual testing. We've had two meetings so far and have signed two documents saying we will follow instructions, we won't look at the test, won't help the kids, etc. One of the documents says that if I do any of these things, I will lose my teaching license. So yeah, I really hate this time of year. I will be glad when it's over.
On a happier note, the state called yesterday and said that I passed the impact test and we are moving along towards a job offer teaching math to the juvenile delinquents. I have to fill out this ten page background check, which is mostly blank. I looked at it last night when I was nearly finished filling it out, and thought, man! On paper, I am REALLY boring. Even the part where you say how often you drink alcohol, I realized it's maybe once a month nowadays. What the hell? I'm old and boring! And I am going to teach would-be criminals!

Last day of March

Time marches on. This is the last week of school before students take their AIMS test. This year, I have come to a realization about the stress I normally feel about this time. I thought I was originating the stress - I was worrying about how the kids would perform, and stressing myself out. This year, however, my 3rd year around this block, I am not worried. I've been preparing all year, and the kids are ready. Since I am not worried, I am able to notice what is happening around me. The administration is worried. I wish I hadn't noticed it, because it's really irritating me. Whatever problems our school has that might affect the kids' scores cannot be solved in the final two weeks before the test. So why all of a sudden are we talking about NOT REVIEWING for the AIMS? Seriously, we have had two meetings, where they told us we are NOT REVIEWING for the AIMS. And we've been given lots of tips about what to do while we are NOT REVIEWING. And how to NOT REVIEW for the AIMS effectively. Lots of interactive ideas about how to NOT REVIEW.
We've also been told and emailed ad nauseum about how important the kids' scores are. Like we didn't already know? People, if I wasn't preparing for this all year, there is no way I would be ready if I started preparing now! They are telling us how to make our room a great testing environment. They are having a door decorating contest, where the kids are supposed to decorate the inside of the classroom door with encouraging sayings and mood lifters. Do they think the kids aren't on to them?
Anyway, the good part is that I wasn't doing this to myself the last 2 years. I had a LOT of help from the people who are NOT HELPING ME PREPARE.

Juvy

I spent Friday at the Juvenile Correctional Facility where I am applying for a job. The situation was disorganized and kind of hectic, but it was a really good window into what the job will be like. The kids looked like kids. They didn't seem unhappy. The teachers looked like teachers. They didn't seem unhappy either. The staff was friendly, both with me and with each other. I got to see the chow hall (ew) and the chapel, which as far as I can see is used for everything except a chapel. I am going back to observe the math teacher for a couple of days, so I can see what a typical day looks like. Barring disaster, I will probably start this job sometime over the summer. The pay is great, there is student loan payoff, a bilingual stipend I might qualify for, and hopefully I can keep my master's program. So, for the time being, I am not worried about next year.

It's time, Hillary.

Time to drop out of the race. We knew this day was coming. I know that you have been working for this your whole life, and I know your heart is broken. It will mend. You have to put the welfare of the party above your personal goals. It's hard, I know. I am crying right alongside you. I hope that before I die, there will be a woman President. But I know that person is not you. I think you know it too. I'm sorry, I truly am. I wish things were different.

Did John McCain swallow George Bush?

Because he's starting to sound exactly like our rose-colored-glasses-wearing, floating down de-nial river, head-in-the-sand president. This is what he had to say today:
McCain says US succeeding in Iraq
Really? Four more years of this??? Really???

This is winning?

As of today, 4,000 young men and women have died in the "War on Terror." I find it appalling that according to President Bush and John McCain, we are winning. The troop surge was successful. Why do they say that? Because we've only lost 4,000 troops when the number could be much higher? Five years we have been over there, trying to force our ideas of what is right onto a people that neither want nor need it. Liberators, that's what we'll be, they said when we went in. When the people failed to be liberated and instead began aiming their weapons at our troops, they said we just need more troops! Now the death rate has gone down somewhat and for some reason the mainstream media has stopped reporting how many troops are dying, until we hit 4,000 and all of a sudden it's a story again. This is winning? What if it turns out we won... what did we win? The hatred and fear of other countries. A death toll of 4,000 and counting. The liberation of billions of dollars that could have been put to use right here, where our economy has gone to the toilet. Oh, and let's not forget that we bought into the biggest bluff in the history of mankind, and swooped in to stop nuclear weapons making in a country where the technology and materials were nonexistent, based on a big fat lie that our President couldn't help but believe. Yeah, we definitely won that poker game. What exactly are we winning, Mr. Bush? Mr. McCain? Because nothing that has happened so far has made this country any safer. The guy who masterminds the actual terror plots is still out there, masterminding. We've already lost.

News in Tucson

The news situation in Tucson has always been bad. When I moved here I noticed that the local stations deliberately avoided reporting on anything happening in Phoenix. It is as if they feel acknowledging the existence of the capital city might interfere with Tucson's identity as the Alternative Capital City. The newscasters here speak in barely functional language, stumble over the most basic of sentences, and cannot seem to figure out where the emphasis should be. It's a good thing they don't report on foreign affairs either, because I can't imagine how they might disgrace themselves with names like Sarkozy and Ma Ying-jeou. As long as I have been watching and reading the news here, the policy when deciding what to report on is clearly, "If it doesn't happen in Tucson, then it doesn't happen."
So I depend largely on the internet for my news, since I don't have cable. This morning, while browsing the headlines, I noticed under the Local News section of my Google News page that the Tucson Citizen has this headline today:

Services open, closed Easter and Monday

What the hell?? It doesn't even make sense. Another case in point: Obama's speech on Tuesday is given exactly one mention, and it comes after an announcement about the new no-kill dog and cat shelter and a fascinating read about a job fair for veterans. It gets better - this is the first line of the article:

"The brother can turn a phrase." That was congressman Raúl Grijalva's review of Barack Obama's speech on race that had the nation talking this week.

Oh, my GOD. The embarrassment. Does Raul think that since he is Hispanic, he can refer to Barak as a "brother" because Barak is black? Raul Grijalva, si se puede make an ass of yourself. Do us all a favor and remember this: Better to be silent and thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

There are a lot of things I love about Tucson, but sometimes I wonder if it is worth being associated with the news organizations here.

Bill Richardson

Governor Richardson announced his support for Senator Barack Obama today. His endorsement could not have come at a better time. The press reports that Gov. Richardson made his decision after being moved by Sen. Obama's recent speech on race relations in our country.
I emailed Gov. Richardson to thank him, and I urge you to do so as well.

stupid CNN

Stupid CNN finally added Barack Obama to their "Hot Topics" category. I wonder if they are going to turn.

Hot Topics » Election Center 2008 • The Political Ticker • Barack Obama • Hillary Clinton • John McCain • more topics »

Proof match.com is no good for me

Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently

I didn't know birds ate those...

HOUSTON—According to an official NASA report released Saturday, nearly 32 percent of all prayers exiting Earth are deflected off satellites orbiting the planet—ultimately preventing the discharged requests for divine intervention from ever making it to the Gates of Heaven. "After impact with the satellite, these diverted prayers typically plummet back into the atmosphere, where they either burn up or eventually land, unanswered, in a body of water," the report read in part. "Of the remaining prayers, research confirms 64 percent fail to make it past the stratosphere because they aren't prayed hard enough, 94 percent of those with enough momentum are swallowed by a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, and 43 percent are eaten by birds." The report concluded that, of the 170 billion prayers issued last month, one made it to God, whose reply was intercepted by a hurricane and incorrectly delivered to a Nigerian man who reportedly did not know what to do with his brand-new Bowflex machine.

I'm not a prosophobe, MOM

And I can prove it. A prosophobe (or whatever you called me) would wait until the last possible moment to go to disgusting Wal-Mart and buy the digital signal converters. Then, even if the prosophobe bought the digital converters, there's no way she would hook them up until the last possible moment. I still have until February of next year, and yet here I am with digital television signals. So there! Hmmph.
Nevermind the fact that I was so grouchy about buying the damn things I almost bit the Wal-Mart guy's head off. I was very hostile.
Also, nevermind that I am still livid about being forced to have digital TV even though I am perfectly happy with my analog signal! But it's not about being afraid of progress. It's about being forced to pay for something that should be free. The reason we have to watch all those damn television commercials is because the companies who buy that airtime are paying for me to have the signal, in return for my watching their ad. People who buy cable are being shafted. Are there less commercials on those networks? I think not! If anything there are more! So the networks are making money hand over fist from the advertisers, and you're paying them for the privilege of watching their commercials! Why don't I pay someone good money to sit next to me and beat me over the head with a stick? Because that's what it amounts to, in my book.
That said, the digital signal is nice. It's clear and clean, and I have 17 channels now instead of 7. (Ok, so half of them are Spanish.) The converter boxes were $50. With the $40 coupons from the government, I had to pay a total of $20 for the two boxes. It's a one-time expense that should not have bothered me, but it did because that was Wal-Mart's profit. Ew.
What really makes me mad is that there are millions of people who were perfectly happy with their analog signals, and five channels, who will go ahead and buy cable because it's easier than getting the coupons, buying the converter boxes, and setting them up. Not to mention the pressure of society saying, "You're afraid of progress! That's why you don't want to pony up for a service you don't want!" There are millions, literally, of senior citizens and otherwise homebound people who will still be shocked and dismayed next February when their TV doesn't work anymore. So ok, that's progress, yahoo. And I'm not even going to START on what it means for society at large when not receiving television signals is tantamount to Chinese water torture.
If you had asked me a few years ago, I never would have thought that I would have to be dragged by the hair, kicking and screaming, into the digital age.

And so it begins.

For the last 2 nights in a row, I have had teaching dreams. The kind I usually have right before the new school year begins. I've got all these kids everywhere, and they are roaming around and being naughty, and I can't get them to listen to me. As soon as I get a group of kids seated and settled in one area of the room, the other areas erupt in naughtiness (the room is always the size of a damn airplane hangar). Invariably the principal walks in and sees the chaos, and then I wake up. I guess I am having the dreams now because I am not sure where I will be at the beginning of next school year.
Maybe I will end up at Raytheon, making missiles, and then I can dream about mass destruction instead of teaching. Or teaching at Juvy - I bet those dreams would be interesting!

More Fun with Craig's List

I read the personals on Craig's List - for entertainment value only! Today there were some real beauts! So I decided I should share:

I had a girlfriend in NC and she had a bad heart and her health insurance would not cover the operation she need. Well not all of it and she could not get the Dotor she need to do her heart operation. Well we made qa deal and we married so she could use my insurance and now she well we filed the LEGALLY separation and she has her life and I have my. Divorce will be finally in 11 months and until then she uses my insurance. So that last should be 4th marriage but it was a contract and I can send it to you if want to see it.

I sincerely have a preference for women with small tiny breast (AA or A), but have BIG IDEAS & SINCERE INTENTIONS.

I am kind and considerate and thoughtful and a gentle man that still opens the car door for someone or puts down the foot pegs for her to jump on the back of the bike. I like times at the river or a lake I love riding through the country side looking at are wonderful world of nature.

I'm for real, kind, considerate, sensual and caring. But I don't want to fall-in-love, or deal with the drama of dating. I want to be your go-to guy. Obviously I'm not going to lay out a picture of myself for the world to see. I'm professional and have some scrupals.

I saved the best for last...


I’m seeking an intelligent SWF, late 20s- to late 40s, one whose sweet and good-hearted and fun to talk to, but who sometimes needs a reminder of how reasonable young ladies are supposed to behave. Be assured, whether it’s delivered on the spot, or whether you’re sent to your room with a smack on the bottom and made to wait for me to “deal with you,” your fate will be sealed.

I'm going to juvy.

I hope. I am applying for a job teaching in a secure school - that's the fancy term they use these days for juvy! It pays a LOT more money. Plus, there are probably not a lot of parents I will have to deal with! Ha! They might even be motivated to stay in the classroom, if the alternative is their cell.
So, I'm applying. The job doesn't close until June 30 so there's plenty of time to wait. *sigh*

Wednesday Bitchery

Today's late bitchery is about parents who believe everything their kid says, even when it doesn't make sense. Parents, listen up. Your kid will lie to get out of trouble. If you have to believe either your kid or the adult that spends more time each day with them than you do, PICK THE ADULT. Here's an example of what I am talking about. I give a homework assignment. Your kid doesn't do it. When I ask why, he says it's because he didn't feel like it. A few days or possibly weeks later, you check your kid's grades online and notice the zero grade. You ask your kid what assignment it was and why it's missing. Kid tells you he has no idea, he turned it in, Ms P. must have lost it, etc. etc. ad nauseum. You believe your kid, and call the principal demanding to know why this clearly incompetent boob is pretending to teach your kid math! Principal calls a meeting! Everyone is angry, but most of all the incompetent boob! I hate you all.

Too good to be true!!

Please, please, forces of the universe! Let it be true!!

I hit the wall

... with the soup. I can't eat any more soup for a while. Today was supposed to be the last day anyway. If I am not purified by now, it's not happening. I finally stopped having to pee every hour on the 5th day, so maybe that is a sign. I'm just going to avoid sugar and flour, and other than that eat what I want. If I could get some exercise back into my day that would be great. Don't know when I will be ready to do that. Maybe never.
I'm becoming resigned to my life as a spinster. One really great thing about that is I can do what I want, when I want, and not have to worry about taking anyone else into consideration. So, I guess after I get my finances straightened out, which will be after I find a higher paying job, then I should start doing some things I want to do. Like see the Louvre, and Mount Rushmore. There is no shame in going those places by myself.

Day 5

Yesterday went really well. No cravings, no hunger, no feeling deprived. I think I am probably not losing weight because I'm not suffering... but I don't know because I don't have a scale. Maybe if I try on some clothes to see if they are looser.
Today I am supposed to eat beef. If I stay on this diet, I think I'll start referring to the days of the week by what I'm eating, like those Subway commercials. "I still need to do homework. It's due on beef and tomatoes!" or, "I can't have dinner with you on brown rice. I want to stay home and watch the political coverage."
HAHAHA!! I crack myself up.
Anyway I had another baby dream night before last. I've had them about once a month, ever since my surgery. It's never the same dream, but in the dreams I have somehow or another acquired an infant and I'm just holding it and hugging it and loving it. Another common theme is that the baby always cries at some point, and it doesn't stress me out at all. In real life, babies crying tend to stress me out. So the reaction in this dream is unusual. I just comfort the baby, and it stops crying. Inevitably, the day following the dream I am very, very sad and I think about the dream often. I think there must be something really interesting going on in my psyche!