Fantasy Land

A note from a parent I received yesterday:

"Dear Ms. (my name),
I would really like for (son's name) to come in for extra help after school three days a week. I would really like to get his grade up.

(her name)"

The note I really would have loved to write back:

"Dear parent who lives in fantasy land,
Lady, I don't know where you work or who you work for, but I seriously doubt that if some whack-job asked you to stay after quitting time and work an extra hour for free three days a week, you would agree to do it. If you want private instruction for your precious baby, you'll have to pay for it. And you'll have to pay somebody else because I see as much as I need to see of him each day. Anyway, your son doesn't need tutoring. He needs to pay the fuck attention when I am teaching, and try moving his pencil on his paper every now and then. Maybe do a homework assignment or two? Finally, it's not your job to get his grade up. It's his job. So I really don't give a shit what you'd like. Time to cut the apron strings.

Sincerely,
Ms. Reality Check"

A note I got from another parent the day before, which was photocopied and given to the attendance clerk and the assistant principal as well:

"(Assistant principal's name),
(son's name) has an ankle injury. His math teacher insisted that he stand at the beginning of class yesterday. Would you please tell her that he has a medical condition.

(her name)"

The note I really would have LOVED to write back:

"Dear mother who takes her 13 yr. old lying dumbass son's word as gospel,
Do you know how you can tell when your son is lying? I do. It's when his lips are moving. Your son, who shows absolutely no evidence of any problem with either ankle, as witnessed by me when he ran by my classroom earlier today with his numbnut friends, was tardy for class. I told him to wait to sit down until I could mark him tardy, and his reply was that his ankle hurt and he was going to sit down. I ignored the disrespect as it happens on a daily basis, marked him tardy, and did not stop him from taking his seat. Maybe, if your precious son has an ankle injury, you might inform the school and get a note from the doctor. Or maybe the nut doesn't fall far from the tree and you are lying too. Either way, how dare you write your snotty note without asking me what happened first, and address the assistant principal instead of me. Lady, you have created your own hell and it's only going to get worse. I'll watch you on Judge Judy someday. Until then, stick it up your ass.

Sincerely,
Ms. kiss my white, bumpy ass"