Patience!

This whole process is going to take a long time and I will have to be patient. At some point I hope I will stop feeling the need to check my account balances almost every day. I should only need to spend time on my finances twice a month, when I get paid.
One of my B of A accounts does not qualify for my debt reduction program because the balance on the account is less than $500. Stupid!
My laptop is seriously on its last legs. It's going to give out and I will be unhappy. I will feel deprived and I might get desperate and crazy and do whatever it takes to get a new mac.
My FSA debit card finally came so I don't have to front cash for my prescriptions for a while.
My cash is going fine so far. I didn't budget enough for groceries though. I have about $50 for the rest of the month and it's only the 9th!

2 things

First, it is really difficult to adjust to this cash thing. I had no idea. On my cash flow sheet, I will have about $50 in my bank account from tomorrow until my next paycheck on the 14th. When I look at it, I have instant anxiety. Nearly 2 weeks without any money?? How will I manage? I have to remind myself that I have cash in envelopes for all the things I will need between now and then. My gas, groceries, restaurants, and misc envelopes all have sufficient money in them (I think) to get me through the next 2 weeks. Total change of mentality! It's going to take some getting used to. I worry that I will forget about the cash and use my debit card. I think I will put the debit card into a pocket in my wallet so that if I go to use it, it won't be there and I will remember to use the cash.
Second, I am spending a LOT of time on this. I'm pretty sure that after a few months, it won't take so much effort to make sure I have everything in order. I just don't see myself devoting the time that is necessary to keep it all straight after I start work again tomorrow. Typically I am so tired when I get home that I really don't do anything except eat dinner and watch TV for 3 hours or so before I go to bed. We'll see what happens. If everything goes according to plan, I won't have to do anything for the next 2 weeks, until I get paid again.

Right on schedule.

My paycheck was bigger than expected because my salary increase for my master's degree finally went through. Yay! I hadn't taken that into account. So my paycheck is $100 bigger! Everything else is going exactly as scheduled. When I go on the ACCC website, it looks like none of my creditors have accepted my payment plan. I'm not sure what will happen with that.
I am withdrawing cash today to put in my envelopes for the first time. I'm struggling with how to make the budget mix with the cash flow. In other words I can't withdraw all my cash at the same time, so how will I keep track of how much to put in each envelope the 2nd time I withdraw? I'm sure I can figure it out but it is kind of nerve wracking to try to look at the numbers when I feel like I am speculating. Just adjusting to keeping a budget I guess. I should re-read the TMM chapter on budgeting.

A little relief

Some good things happening the past few days. Before the first CCCS transfer, which will freeze my credit card accounts, I cashed in my reward points. I got a $25 target card. This means I can finally get some groceries. I haven't been starving, don't get me wrong, but I haven't had the things I normally eat. No cheese, no milk, no cereal. So the Target down the street has groceries and that's where I am headed today. If I am careful I should be able to get everything I need, plus stuff for Christmas dinner tonight with my kids. Yay! Then, I finally got reimbursed for my medical expenses, from my FSA. The debit card never came, so I had been paying for my medical since the account started in August. I got a substantial deposit into my checking account so I immediately made payments to the one remaining credit card that was past due, and my student loans which were past due. Now I am current on everything. CCCS told me that if I was current when the program went into effect, the credit card companies might reverse the late fees and such that they had been charging me the past month especially since it's the first time I have been past due. I really hope that's true but I doubt it. I do believe it's better for my credit in the long run if I am current when the program begins, and also the TMM book says that getting current is the very first thing I should do.
If there is any extra in my budget from this point forward, it will go toward the $650 I still need for my emergency fund. Then, I can finally begin the debt snowball. I am giving up the bankruptcy idea for now, but it's always an option if I find that I can't do the debt snowball because I just don't have enough money.
I got my hair done with my Christmas money which was so nice. I will have some extra pay in the middle of January for the days I subbed during my planning period. I will have one Pima paycheck and it will be just a tiny bit bigger than normal because of parent orientation night on January 5th. Somehow, some way, this program seems to be working.

It's tough!

Not spending money is hard. Also: It sucks. I just keep telling myself that it's only temporary. Eventually I will get rid of this debt and be able to live within my means. Because I will teach myself how. However, the debt is really in my way and I am seriously considering filing for bankruptcy. I am going to talk to a lawyer this week. I may even qualify for chapter 7, but I can't afford to have my car taken away... so we'll see. I was resistant to the idea of having my debt discharged, because I think if I spent the money, I need to repay it. However, I was not taking the reality of the situation into account. The reality is that over the last 12 years or so, since I began building this debt, I have probably repaid the actual amount I spent, more than once. Once that thought occurred to me, the guilt about having the debt discharged vanished. There are plenty of people working for those companies that are rich off of my sheer desperation to survive on a teacher's salary. Screw 'em. With all the late fees, interest fees, and other fees, at least half the balance is theirs anyway.
At any rate, I have not spent a dime except a coffee, soda, and snack at the airport. I wasn't really thinking about the fact that you can't take anything past the security in the airport. So I spent about $9.00.

The restraint kinda burns

So my cash flow sheet says I will have $4.00 left tomorrow when my car payment comes out. I've been staying home, not spending a cent for days now. Yesterday I got a $75.00 Amazon gift certificate, and expect another one today. Those are for some U of A research I took part in. I want to just spend that money so bad, but I'm trying to save it for when I actually need something. I will allow myself some books for my kindle. I have been wanting to go out to sing Karaoke and drink beer really bad! But I haven't done it. I think all this financial restraint might be a good part of why I am eating like a hog. The self-indulgence has to come out somewhere.

Got a grip.

I transferred money back into my checking from my savings to cover the car payment. Then I started a cash flow worksheet, which is part of the budget plan in TMM. I hadn't started it yet... I really didn't get why it was necessary. Yesterday I listened to the budgeting lesson on CD, and Ramsey emphasizes that it will take about 3 months of writing a budget and keeping a cash flow sheet before it will become a smoother process. So I should expect to screw up regularly, and adjust, adjust, adjust. This is one of those times when I am profoundly thankful that I don't have a spouse to complicate things. I bring in what I bring in, and I am in charge of all the decisions. I do think that Vince will want to follow the TMM plan at some point, if he sees that it's really working for me. That is of course assuming he starts paying what he is supposed to pay and we stay together. I am depending on his share of the money when I get back from CO to balance my cash flow sheet. I will need grocery and gas money as well as the rest of the $400 to make the CCCS payment.
In other news, I finished my christmas shopping yesterday. I used remnants of gift cards and Bookman's credit for almost everything. I spent less than $10.00 and got some really great stuff. I'm leaving for CO the day after tomorrow and I am insanely excited! For now, all is right with the financial world.

bad math

I got myself into trouble again. I got paid yesterday. The first thing I did was go to the capital one website and pay that bill. It was just over $200. Then, I went to the B of A website and paid other bills. I used my available balance to decide how many bills to pay. I somehow glossed over the fact that my available balance would be lower once the capital one money came out. (I usually pay the capital one bill from the bank website, instead of the other way around.) So now, there is not enough money to cover my car payment. It's too late to cancel the payment without a fee. On top of that I didn't get a Pima paycheck. The car payment comes out on the 23rd. I put $400 in savings to make sure I have enough for the automatic overdraft of $400 by CCCS on January 3rd. So I'm in the negative.

payday

I got my paycheck, which was $165 bigger because of the furlough hours I made up. I am now current on everything including utilities, credit cards, and car payment. The only thing I am not current on is my student loans. If I get the Pima paycheck then I can make a payment on that debt, but probably not enough to get current. I applied for an income-sensitive payment but I haven't got an answer yet. I also put away the $400 I will need on January 2nd for my first payment to CCCS. Now the calls from Capital One will finally stop. It's been averaging 2 to 10 calls a day, starting about 8 a.m. and ending about 8 p.m. for the last 6 weeks or so.
I tried to listen to the 2nd CD in the series of Financial Peace University or whatever it's called. It is about money and relationships. I had to turn it off after about 5 minutes. I will just skip that one... it's not relevant to me anyway. In the first 5 minutes of the lesson, Ramsey quotes John Gray, the bible, Stephen Covey, and Rick Warren. It is all about how women and men think differently about money, and how your wife won't be pretty unless she has financial security. He says, out loud, that if the man has the finances in order, the woman will be prettier because she isn't stressed out about money, and her face won't scrunch up like this (insert some visual aid that thank GODDESS I couldn't see because it's an audio CD). Ramsey is a card-carrying charter member of the good ol' boys club. When he is talking about things that can't be gender specific, like how to actually save and budget money, then he is bearable to listen to. His problem, of course, is genderizing everything. Maybe when I get done with this program, and I have learned how to budget and save and give appropriately, I will write my own book and go on my own tour, giving classes about how to build a secure financial future. Except I won't genderize it. Well, maybe I will... maybe I'll only let single women come in to my classes. Maybe I will say my program is specifically for single women, kids or no kids. Because the last thing we need to hear about is a program that assumes we have a man, and that we are dependent on that man to help us make the right decisions. And Ramsey includes all this sexist bullshit in his lessons, despite the fact that almost every story featured in the book has the man being responsible for getting the couple into all that debt in the first place, because he was the one that "took care of the finances."
Psh. Ramsey has a lot of good ideas about money, but what a tool.

more gold

I dug through my jewelry box again and found a little more gold. I got $70 and this time I shopped a bit for the best deal. One store was willing to give me twice as much, but as store credit. Not helpful.
Bottom line, I have $350 in my emergency fund. WOOHOO!! I did go to Rubio's in the mall and eat fish tacos. I felt terribly guilty about spending that $7. Also bought milk and got more cash to pay off my lunch balance at the school cafeteria - it was bigger than I thought!!
I am listening to the Financial University lessons (lessons by Dave Ramsey based on the book) and he just describes my spending habits to a T. Sometimes all I can do is laugh because he is so logical about it and I am seeing clearly for the first time just how ridiculous my thinking was!! And how I SO bought in to the financial machine of the banks and credit cards! Pure folly. The worst part is I was about to pass that thinking on to my daughters!! I told them, forget what I said about needing a credit card to build your credit. Don't do it. There are other, better ways to qualify for a mortgage, and that is the only thing you should ever have on credit. Everything else should be bought in cash, after you have saved the money. I hope they listen.
So I am wracking my brain trying to think of more things to sell. I have quite a bit of credit at Bookman's (used book store and boutique) so today I am going to try to finish my Christmas shopping there.
I have to say I am still sickened by the people Ramsey chose to highlight in the book. Their stories are so white picket fence. The vast majority of the wives are "home makers" or "stay at home moms." One of the husbands made a HUGE deal out of selling his wife's car. This is what he says: "... and then I committed what some people would consider the ultimate sin: I sold my wife's BMW." I can't articulate what it is about the statement that bothers me so. Another husband who is an eBay store owner (whatever) has a wife who is a pharmacist. She clearly is the breadwinner in the family. This is part of his storytelling: "The 35 months working on the debt snowball was the hardest part, but we never wavered. Yes, we had visits from Murphy - having a baby plus Amanda's back surgery and other emergencies, to name a few - but we did it!" He thinks having a baby happened because of Murphy's Law - "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong." That is some fucked up reasoning, and saying it out loud where your child may someday read it is disgusting.
That same guy also says, "We sold our brand-new Jeep Liberty (and Amanda really loved that car) and bought a gently used 1991 model. Amanda took on an extra shift at work, and I took over extra tasks around the house to compensate." How big of him... she works herself to death and misses time with her baby and his repayment is doing the dishes. What a fucker.
Anyway, there are plenty of inspiring stories in the book that I can relate to and don't sound like that. And reading the book has inspired me to save money instead of spending it, which is huge for me. I'm excited to pay bills tonight... WEIRD!!!

Gold

Yesterday I went to a jewelry store and sold all of the gold jewelry that I have been dragging around for years and never wear. I was shocked as hell when I got $700 for it. Bam! $280 in my emergency fund. I am more than a quarter of the way there!! I kept $20 to pay for my prescription and my lunch bill at my school. I paid my cell phone, electric, and cable bills. I bought $15 worth of groceries and I'm left with $25 in my checking account. I get paid tonight - my salary and hopefully my second job at PCC. Also I get a small check for the furlough hours I managed to earn before the 10th of December. I think I will be able to get my credit cards close to current. I have to make sure I have $400 in my account at the end of the month for my credit card consolidation auto withdrawal. My christmas present from Marianne is that I won't have to spend any money in CO other than my plane ticket.
It's the first time in my adult life that I have come across some kind of financial windfall and didn't immediately spend the money on things I "needed" - like clothes, expensive food, eating out, and entertainment. I got the $280 in cash and hid it in my closet. TMM says to put it in a place where you won't have easy access to it. These days with my savings account linked to my checking and free transfers online, my savings account is not a safe place. I wrapped it up and put it in a place where I will have to go to a little bit of trouble to dig it out.
I never would have thought of selling the gold if I hadn't read the book. I'm so excited about having started my emergency fund!! I'm being responsible!!

Saving

So, last night I read a part of TMM that featured a single mother of two. She had reached her goal of saving a $500 emergency fund. It didn't say how long it took her, and I really wish it had. The book says that if you make more than $20,000 a year, you should be able to save your $1,000 emergency fund in about a month. It says to do whatever you have to do. Work another job (should I find a third?), sell things (I've already sold everything of any value), if you already have $1,000 in anything other than retirement savings, take it out (HA!). go crazy wringing and twisting out the budget and get crazy. I'm kinda stumped. For now I'll just keep on with the budget. I am supposed to use envelopes of cash for food, gas and oil, repairs and tires, clothing, toiletries/cosmetics/hair care, and spending money. I can't start that since I don't have any cash. Maybe next month. In the mean time, these are the things I am committed to changing so far:
Stop wearing makeup except on special occasions
Use milk and sugar in my coffee instead of the bottled creamer
Clip coupons religiously
Give up my Cottonelle toilet paper and use whatever is the best value
Fast food twice a month and no more
Give up my smart phone and go back to regular cell phone (if I can)
Scrimp on electricity and water

Total Money Makeover

I got the book "Total Money Makeover" (TMM) from Mom and I am going to give it a try. When I called a credit counseling firm to get them to negotiate lower interest rates and a single payment, the guy's advice was to file chapter 13 bankruptcy. I wanted to try this first, so we'll see how it works. I'm going to keep track of my progress here. I know from past experience that seeing my progress in black and white is crucial for me to keep moving forward in my goals.
The book features success stories of people who have followed the system and got out of debt in record time. I don't buy all of it... for instance how can a couple pay $15,000 toward their debt in 5 months when their yearly income is a teacher's salary of $40,000? There are no success stories of single mothers. There don't seem to be any people who currently cannot meet expenses. If Vince gives me the money he agreed to pay, it looks like I will be able to meet expenses. So far he isn't holding up his end of the deal.
My first step towards the TMM is to make a budget and stick to it. Yesterday I looked through my bank statement and wrote down everything I have spent and what it was for. I categorized everything. Ramsey put a bunch of budgeting forms in the back of the book and I am using a modified version. I am going to put it into an excel worksheet.
My next step is to save $1,000. Frankly I just don't see how this is possible. But right now I'll just focus on the budget.

Bank of America

I was in my local B of A branch today, separating my kids' accounts from mine since they are no longer minor children. Independence day! While I was there, I noticed the print advertisements hanging on the walls. They said things like, "Avoid overdraft fees. I can help!" And, ""Buy your first home. I can help!" They featured pictures of B of A employees, looking up at the camera with arms crossed and big smiles.
What I noticed was that of the four posters I saw, three featured women and one featured a man. All were light-skinned. The most curious (and foolishly patriarchal) thing about the posters was that in the poster featuring the man, he was centered in the poster and his image was quite large. The lettering went across his body, and his face was the most prominent part of the poster. In the three others, featuring women, their images were off to the left-hand side of the poster. Their images were much smaller, and the lettering was bigger across the top and in the middle of the page. The writing was the most prominent part of the poster.
Do you suppose they used focus groups?

Survival Within the Patriarchy

I got pulled over yesterday for the first time in many years.
The fair opened, and it's off the same freeway exit that I use to get home. Traffic was backed up for a mile to get to the exit, because even though that's where the fair is, there is still just the one exit lane after all these years. Anyway, I had my daughter's play to get to, so I wasn't going to wait in that line. I thought I would go to the next exit, but then I saw one of those median strips where they cops hang out. I decided to use that to turn around. A few seconds after I pulled into the median, I saw another car coming up beside me. "What an idiot!" I thought, and then I saw it was a cop. Ha! Now who's the idiot?
I immediately put on my "stupid female" hat. He gestures with his arms and shoulders to say, "What the hell are you doing?" I got out of the car and he got out of the car. He said, "You can't be in here!" I said, "I know but I didn't realize the backup was for Houghton and I went past my exit, and I just panicked but now I don't know how I am going to get out of here because the traffic coming the other way is going too fast!" He just looked at me. I said, "Do you want to give me a ticket?" He said, "Well, yeah!" I said, "Ok." He just looked at me again and then asked for my driver's license. I got it for him and then asked if he needed my insurance and registration paperwork. He said no, so I knew I was off the hook. He wrote down some stuff and I got back into my car, rolled down the window and put my seat belt back on. He told me he wasn't writing me a ticket, but a warning and I was not to do this anymore! I said I won't. Then he quickly stepped over and handed me my license, saying, "Now I have to go because there is a crash. Drive safe." He ran off without even giving me the warning, safe in the knowledge that he had rescued me from my own stupidity.
As long as it's an act.
I'm not sure it's hypocrisy as much as it is survival within the patriarchy.

Not going well.

It's a horrible thing to start the day with so much hate in my heart, so I am going to vent on my blog and hope like hell that gets it out of my system. It's so hard to be a patient, kind, and loving teacher when I feel like beating someone to a pulp.
I got my tax refund today, less the $900 I owed the IRS from a $400 mistake two years ago. After the penalties, interest, back-interest, etc. the $400 mistake ended up costing me more than $1,050.00. I have been making $50.00 payments since last summer, but the interest rate was so high that my payments barely made a dent. So, they took the balance out of my refund.
It is just so wrong. I haven't heard a single thing about the IRS cutting jobs. Those employees sit there in their recession proof offices and take money from people like me. They add as many penalties and fees to the debt as they possibly can. It is their JOB to squeeze as much money they can from my meager earnings. I don't know how they live with themselves. How do you justify spending your days taking money away from single parents who teach for a living? How can you possibly live with yourself, when your job as a tax collector is more valuable to our society than my job as a math teacher? I seriously think they are all in danger of burning in hell. They could be spending their time on the ENRON people of the country instead of near-poverty-level teachers. They could be working to close the loopholes that prevent G.W. Bush from paying less taxes, percentage wise, than I do. Oh, but he surely needs the money more than me.
It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I need that money to put away for this summer, when I will most likely be unemployed and looking for a job, once again. Today I am not proud to be an american.

Wednesday Bitchery

There are lots of really great things happening right now and only one not-so-great thing. Since it's still Wednesday, I can get some bitchery in! I have bronchitis. I have been sick for two freaking weeks. My lungs feel like they are on FIRE. So, I am taking tomorrow off work and staying in bed. all. day.

It's that time of year...

I dread this time every year. It's my least favorite week on the school calendar... third quarter parent conferences. Time to start thinking about who will be retained. Time to meet with parents who haven't been doing their jobs for years, and kids who haven't cared about their grades in years, and make them pay the piper. Ah, the wailing and gnashing of teeth! The excuses, the cop-outs, the laying of blame! In the end, it always comes out the same. I wish we could just cut to the chase. This is how it should go:

Teacher: You and your kid need to get it together or your kid is going to come back for another year.
Parent: Why is this the first I am hearing about this?
Teacher: It's not.
Parent: Why didn't anyone call me if little Johnny wasn't turning in homework?
Teacher: First, that isn't my job, and second, I did.
Parent, to child: Why aren't you doing your work?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Ok, so it looks like we're finished here. You have one shot: quit being a dumbass and buckle down for the next three months, and then we'll promote you because you are too big and we don't want you driving yourself to middle school. See ya.

Badda bing, badda boom. 3 minutes, we're done. Why the histrionics? Why the multiple opportunities for laying the blame elsewhere?
This is the week I hate my job.

Miss America!

Several people I know, one of which is a woman that I respect, is actually watching this annual misogynistic display of female stereotypical "desirable" traits. I want to tell her what I think. But I am not going to, because I think it would be unnecessary criticism.

I hate when I'm wrong.

The ultrasound on my thyroid gland came back normal, they said. It seems to me that the left side is still bigger than the right, even though my neck stopped hurting and the popping/clicking thing stopped happening. I am feeling better - I have been able to get out there and run again, although it still doesn't feel good like it used to. My muscles are fatigued after 2 miles, instead of energized. Maybe I didn't give myself enough time off after the half marathon.
At any rate, the doctor told me to keep a food diary, and even though it pissed me off, I did it. Then I found out that you can keep an electronic food diary on CalorieKing.com, and click on the foods you ate and it will count your calories for you. It also keeps track of what categories your calories fall into, your nutrients, and such. There is a fantastic bronze-to-gold medal type thing where you have to actually list your motivations and barriers, and sit and think about what you can do to make your motivators more powerful and your barriers less destructive. But I digress. You can get charts and graphs on this site as well, and what I saw was a bracing and sobering reality check. I eat too much food.
The three days after the half marathon, for example, my caloric intake was well over 3,000 per day. That's enough for a 300-lb woman to maintain her weight. The days before the half marathon, when I was not running because I was too tired or didn't feel well, and just trying to get through the day, my caloric intake is usually around 2,500. That's enough for a 250-lb woman to maintain her weight.
Could it be that I am actually tired because I'm fat, instead of being fat because I'm tired? Now, I'm not convinced that I am completely healthy. The low body temperatures, clumsiness, forgetfulness, and general fuzziness are very concerning to me. Those are not in my head. But if my bloodwork comes back normal, I am going to have to face the reality that I am over 40 and this is going to be my life. In that case, I really will have to increase my anti-depressant, because this is no life. At this moment, I have a burn from when I was cooking tortillas and set my arm down on the edge of the frying pan; and a 2-inch by 1/2-inch bruise on my arm in the exact shape of the side mirror on Jessica's car, from when I was walking towards the car and lifting my arm to avoid the mirror, but didn't quite make it. These are the injuries from last week alone. I trip, and lose my balance, and can't remember where I put things; I start to put the milk in my bedroom, and my eyeglasses in the fridge. I'm really scared that this might be my life. Twice last week I forgot to eat breakfast, which means I forgot to take my medications. Then I forgot to replace the extra one-day dose of meds that I keep in my purse, so the 2nd time I had to go home during my planning period to eat and take my meds.
So I am going back to the doc, to ask her to do bloodwork. I will tell her about the food diary and my realizations about my eating habits, and that I joined the website and will be keeping track of my progress and actively monitoring my eating and exercise. I will also tell her about what my life is like right now. Then I have about a week in between that and my next shrink appointment, so that if my bloodwork comes back normal I can talk to him about the situation and see what he thinks.
I really am scared.

You know what I think?

I think that doctors in general don't believe me when I say that I am a distance run/walker. I think that when I say I have done or am training for a half-marathon, they automatically filter that information out and decide I am full of it. After all, 220-lb women have no business talking about things like "race weight" and "training" and "long run." If they did, they wouldn't be 220 lbs, obviously.
So yesterday at my doctor's office, when I finished describing the difficulties I was having with my training, telling her that the half-marathon was this Sunday and I was kind of in a panic, she completely ignored that part of the discussion. She didn't give me any advice about whether or not it would be ok to try to complete the race. In fact, we didn't discuss my training at all. She treated me as if I were a regular old fat lady coming to complain about being tired and feeling achy, and advised me to exercise four times a week.
I'm sort of beside myself about this. By the end of the appointment I was battling with myself about whether or not it was going to be productive to tell her that she wasn't listening to me. In the end, I just decided to pay my co-pay and leave. I'll get the ultrasound on my thyroid and if it is enlarged, I will ask for a referral to an endocrinologist. I am certainly not going to leave that doctor in charge of my general well-being. Although I don't have any reason to think that an endocrinologist is more likely to believe that I am a distance runner/walker.

Wednesday Bitchery

I went to the doctor today for some pain I am having near my throat... not in my throat, but next to it. I am also tired beyond all reason, and fuzzy-headed, and just not functioning well. This has been going on for about a week. She looked up my chart because she doesn't know who I am (I don't see her very often, because I am healthy) and noticed that I have gained 15 pounds since I was last there. She felt my neck and then noticed the left side of my thyroid gland appears to be enlarged. So she ordered an ultrasound of my thyroid. I told her that the last time I had been in was last May because my parotid gland was infected after my first half-marathon. I told her I had been training for the PF Chang's this weekend, and that I hadn't run in a week and a half because I am too tired to get myself out there. I told her I had reached the 8-mile point in my training, at which point she said I might be overdoing it. She then proceeded to give me the following suggestions:
1. Exercise 4 times a week
2. Read and follow the diet tips she wrote herself (she used to be a size 12, holy cellulite, batman!)
3. Keep a food diary and bring it to my next visit
4. Talk to my shrink about increasing my dose of anti-depressant
5. See a personal trainer and/or start strength training in addition to cardio
Who the hell is the lunatic here? I went in there for pain next to my throat... I complained that I haven't been able to train for my HALF MARATHON in a week and a half because of the headaches and general malaise... we went over the fact that this would be my SECOND HALF MARATHON... so she notices my thyroid is swollen and then talks about my FOOD? And suggests I exercise 4 days a week for 30 minutes, when I just got done telling her I couldn't TRAIN?
Whatever.

The Pressure!!!

Yesterday I returned to somewhat of a hurricane at work. Three teachers are "no longer with us" - 2 of whom I knew weren't coming back, but another that was a complete surprise. The long-term sub across the hall from me, who was the 4th teacher to attempt to teach 7th and 8th grade science in that room, has been told that she is no longer needed. Then, one of the 6th grade math/science teachers moved in to that room?! In the middle of the school day?! The kids didn't do a lick of anything in that classroom. They just watched the sub reading a book and the 6th grade teacher moving in. The principal came into my room once, and then one of the assistant principals came in twice. The AP asked me why my boards weren't done (we have a host of things we are required to write on the board every day) and I said it was because I was going over test scores. Then she asked for my lesson plans and I told her I hadn't printed them out. (Really, I just hadn't done them.) So she asked what time I wanted her to come back! And what she meant was, GET IT DONE. NOW. So I got it done and she came back and I think everything is OK.
It was a shame because I was calling students up one at a time and talking about their test scores with them. I was showing them how they did on the second benchmark compared to the first, and then telling them exactly how far away they were from moving up to the next level. The kids were very responsive and many of them had a lot to be proud of. The thing that bothers me is that this wasn't something the administration could get behind. They don't care what is actually happening in my classroom... they just want the boards filled out and the lesson plans in the pocket where they are expected to be.
It's horribly disconcerting when teachers just appear and disappear like that. Especially when one is on a temporary contract. The hurricane stems from the fact that we have a "solutions team" coming this week. This is a group of people selected by the state to come in and see what our school is doing in order to make adequate yearly progress on our AIMS so we aren't a failing school anymore. Apparently things will be happening rather quickly following the "solution team's" solutions. Decisions will be made about who is staying and who is leaving, even amongst the administration.
So I'm feeling a little bit stressed... but I am just going to keep my head down and do what I do best, which is teach. We're doing some really fun stuff in 8th grade right now.

Colorado

Things I have learned about Denver so far:
1. There is quite a bit of traffic.
2. You can't drive on the 16th street mall.
3. The word "park" can be used to describe a strip of grass in front of a row of buildings.
4. The people are generally better looking and better dressed here than in Tucson.
5. It is important to have a south-facing house.

Goals

My students and I have been talking about goals. Before each benchmark test, the school wants us to sit with each student and have them set a goal for their next test score. The process of setting goals comes naturally to me because I was raised in a household where people set, and met, their goals regularly. Mom and Dad were always aiming toward something, and most of the time they got there. When they didn't, we learned about how to overcome adversity. It's part of our culture. My students, however, have a different experience. For their parents, a goal is having enough food to put on the table, or being able to take a day off from all three jobs at the same time. For these kids, setting goals has no meaning. They don't understand why the school wants them to say they want to do better on the next test. Of course they want to do better on the next test. What a stupid thing to have to do. They are missing a crucial element of setting goals, which is outlining what steps are necessary in order to meet the goals. They don't understand the fundamental concept that effort = achievement.
When I talked with my kids about their goals, I noticed that they were aiming for the moon. They all want to exceed, they say they will go to tutoring every single day and do homework every single night. They will study! They will pay attention in class! They will, in short, be perfect. They are saying what they think I want to hear. So, we started from scratch.
I shared my goal of a half marathon in January. I talked about the steps I would take to meet my goal. I asked if they thought I could do it... most of them said no. I showed them my medal from my last half marathon, and they were shocked... I said, I know I can do this because I already did it once. But that doesn't mean I have to work any less hard the second time.
Then we talked about adversity. I face some adversity... my weight, the weather, inertia, etc. We talked about what kinds of adversity they face when it comes to doing homework and studying. They don't have anyone to help them when they get stuck. There are a lot of more fun (read: illegal) things to do with their friends. They have to watch their little brothers/sisters/neices/nephews/cousins, etc. We talked about how there is no magic goal fairy that can make their dreams come true. If they meet their goals, it is because they worked their butts off to get there - just like if I meet my goal, it's because I worked my butt off to get there.
We all wrote down our goals. I wrote my goal on a corner of the white board. They wrote theirs down on paper. I collected the papers, and typed up the goals (so that nobody would know whose was whose) and hung them up on the bulletin board. We look at our goals every single day and think about whether we are taking the steps we need to take in order to meet them.
Then I made a deal with them. On days when I do my running, they are expected to do their homework. But if I skip my run, then I do not assign homework. They were all for it! I don't think they believed that I would do my part. I set aside a corner of the white board and every morning I write how far I went. Sharing my goal with my students was the best thing that has ever happened to my teaching, and my training. Every morning, some of those kids look at that white board first thing. Most of the time, they are surprised to see a number there. They always ask questions. How did it go? Was it hard? They encourage me. Miss, I can't believe you go every day! Miss, aren't you excited for your half marathon? Yesterday (every period, all day long) it went like this:

Miss, you ran this morning?
Yes, I did.
Does that mean we have homework?
No, it's benchmark testing week. You don't have homework.
Then why did you go?
Because I still want to meet my goal. Just because you guys are testing, that doesn't mean my half marathon isn't happening.
But wasn't it cold?
Yes, it was freezing. And the wind was blowing really hard.
Miss, what time do you have to get up to run?
I get up at 4:30.
WHY????
Because I want to meet my goal.

These are all different kids asking questions, so it's like a group discussion. They are so interested, it's really funny!
But yesterday, I had a really great opportunity to talk to one of my kids who struggles with math. After the discussion above, this is how it went:

But miss, I'm just not good with math. It's too hard. I've never been good at it.
Do you think I'm good at running?
No.
Do you think it's easy for me?
No.
Does that mean I can't do it?
(pause) No.
I can do it because I try. Just because something is hard for you, that doesn't mean you can't do it. It just means you have to work a little harder than other people. If you are determined, then you can do it.
But miss, I hate math.
Well, do you think I like running?
No. (Ok, a white lie.)
Do I do it anyway?
Yes.
Why?
Because you have a goal.
Right. Do you have a goal?
Yes.
Do you want to meet that goal?
Yes.
Then you need to be determined. You can do it, even if you don't like it and you don't think you are good at it. You can still do it.

He looked very pensive and kind of unhappy, so I'm pretty sure he was really listening and absorbing the concept of effort being directly related to achievement. I can literally SEE the difference in their work ethic ever since we had that talk about goals. I am getting WAY more homework handed in. Their grades are actually coming up.

Well, today is the big day - the math benchmark test. They are ready. I went to the store and bought fruit, pop tarts, granola bars, fruit snacks, popcorn, gum, OJ, and animal crackers. I told every one of them that if they are hungry when they get to school, they must come and get something to eat. I really shouldn't have spent that money but I could not help myself. The bills can kiss my ass. I have students to worry about. I'll buy fewer souvenirs in Denver. I'll figure it out. The kids might be hungry the rest of the year but dammit, they will be full for this test! Oh, it's so selfish. But I want them to see that they can do it. I'll do whatever it takes to get them there.

Wish us luck!

Ginger attacks??

This article makes me want to cry! I had not heard about the South Park episode where Cartman decides that redheads are genetically defective, evil beings and must be eradicated. He starts "Annual Kick a Ginger Day" and of course the cartoon leads to this stuff actually happening!

It's all down hill from here.

This is probably way TMI so read at your own peril.
The other day I sneezed, and lost control of my bladder a little bit. Not a big deal, as I was wearing a liner, but I was sufficiently horrified that I decided to exercise those bladder muscles, or whatever they are. So, every time I pee, I stop the flow and count to five, and do that five times. So yesterday I was in the staff bathroom, thinking I was alone in there. I did my thing, go, stop, go, stop, etc. When I was washing my hands, all of a sudden I hear somebody cough! I finished up and ran back to my classroom so that person wouldn't find out who I was. I wonder if they saw my shoes and knew anyway.

Good.

It's about damn time. The lousy AZ legislature has finally done something in support of the education reform we so desperately need. Seniority is no longer the deciding factor when it comes to who gets to stay and who gets a pink slip. Of course, the teacher's union is up in arms, saying that legislators who voted for this are not supporting public education. I beg to differ. Arizona's education policy has been the very definition of insanity for too long. Keep doing the same thing we've been doing, and expect better test scores. Keep doing the same thing we've been doing, and expect teachers to do their best to teach our kids. The human race has a tendency to opt for the most energy-conserving option. It is part of our evolution. When given the choice while teaching geometry to have a room full of kids sit quietly and work out of the textbook, or give them all rubber bands and geoboards for an activity, guess what most teachers choose? You got it. Guess which option is better for the students? You got it.
Finally, a teacher's pay will be based on how well they teach, not how long they have been teaching. Teachers should be held to the same standards, if not higher, than those of the rest of the workforce. Do a good job, get more money. Do a fair job, get to keep your job. Do a lousy job, go find another job.
I have to blog about it because I don't dare speak my opinion at work.

On the other hand...

Question: What makes a 200-lb woman finish a half marathon?
Answer: Sheer force of will.
I posted about will power, because I thought the article was interesting. Upon further reflection, I understand that I am still thinking that my problem with food is about will power. I am living proof that it isn't. If it was about simple determination, I would be at the weight my inner idiot thinks I should be. It just isn't about that. It is about a whole lot of other things that I am convinced science doesn't know about yet.
One of my co-workers had remarked on my grape powerade zero bottle at lunchtime yesterday, and asked me if it tasted good. I told her I was re-using the bottle so really it was diet cran-grape, but yes the powerade tastes good! Then my inner idiot felt the need to justify the fact that I was drinking powerade to begin with. I stopped myself before I started justifying, and instead I said, "You know, I need to drink that stuff after I run, so that my blood pressure stays up. I just still have a hard time thinking of myself as an athlete, even though I have done a half marathon." She gave me kind of a dumbfounded look, and said, "Yeah, you have to be really fit to be able to do that. I'm pretty sure you are an athlete." We both smiled and then went on with the conversation. But that was a really great, enlightening moment for me. Not because I didn't already know that stuff, and hadn't had that conversation before, with myself and with other people. That moment was different because I felt a sense of acceptance about the fact that I am an athlete.
I do find it curious that acceptance of this fact should be so difficult. I don't have a hard time calling myself a mathematician, because I do math all day, and who cares if it's at the middle school level. I don't hesitate to call myself a liberal, even in a room full of conservatives. It's about how I look at myself, not how I perceive the rest of the world sees me.
So in my world, why shouldn't it be possible that I am both "overweight" and and athlete? I'm really not even sure I am overweight. I think I am my weight. And, I'm an athlete.

you CAN improve your willpower!!

...or so says Discover Magazine. There was an article in a recent issue about willpower and how there is a mental reserve of something that helps you set aside energy for other tasks, like finding something else to do besides eat halloween candy. It's the same energy, according to them, that is responsible for willpower. The trick is to do things that require effort of will, like brushing your teeth or eating with your non-dominant hand. So, if this is true, then with practice you can become better at resisting your vices.

Misc and sundry

Wow, I haven't posted since September! Not that it matters - I think this is more of a diary than a blog. And, I have mostly been posting on my training blog.
I am planning our Christmas trip to Colorado. I typed up our itinerary, bought tickets, and reserved motel rooms yesterday. So far, this is what we are doing:

Saturday, December 19th
9:00 a.m. Departure for Truth or Consequences, NM
2:00 p.m. Arrival Geronimo Springs Museum
3:00 p.m. Departure for Albuquerque, NM
5:30 Arrival at Ambassador Inn One
6:30 Departure for River of Lights

Sunday, December 20th
10:00 a.m. Departure for Marianne’s House
5:00 p.m. Arrival at Marianne’s House

Monday, December 21st
11 a.m. - 7 p.m. Denver Christkindl Market

Tuesday, December 22nd
1:00 Denver Museum of Nature & Science
Black Holes: The Other Side of Infinity 1:30 p.m.

Wednesday, December 23rd
12:00 p.m. Denver Mint

Thursday, December 24th
Bake Christmas Cookies!

Saturday, December 26th
10:00 a.m. Departure for Albuquerque, NM
7:00 Arrival at Ambassador Inn

Sunday, December 27th
10:00 a.m. Departure for Home

It's a little neurotic, I know, but I planned so many things I had to make sure that I didn't overdo it and didn't plan too many things for one day. So we are stopping at a museum 4 hours or so into the drive. I thought the name of the town Truth or Consequences was so funny, we could not possibly drive by without stopping. That evening, we are having dinner and seeing the River of Lights in Albuquerque. This is a light display at their botanical gardens. It sounds spectacular!
In Denver we're going to do lots of different things. The Christkindl market is the local park dressed up as a German Christmas town. There will be lots of German and other European food and crafty things. It sounds awesome. I am really excited about touring the Denver Mint to see how the coins are stamped out and such. I love traveling! It's a shame we can't do it more often. It's really expensive though.
I am thinking that Marianne and maybe even Chris will have an awful time going to work instead of playing hooky and coming to our adventures with us.

Speaking of traveling, I am applying for a fully funded trip to Costa Rica next summer. It is for teachers and it's sponsored by Toyota. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

It isn't just black people thinking it...

This post really resonated with me this morning. Rep. Wilson's outburst during President Obama's speech really bothered me. The first thing I thought when I read about it on the news was, "This would have NEVER happened to a white president." In her post, Ms. Mitchell says that most African-Americans are thinking that racism is behind Wilson's outburst. It isn't just the African-Americans. There are some of us who know racism when we see it, regardless of the color of our own skin. I'm glad Jimmy Carter said it out loud.

Rat Poop

My new job is to take over for a math teacher that has been moved to an instructional coaching position. She has been in the same classroom for 10 years. Teachers, probably more than in any other occupation, accumulate stuff. Books, manipulatives, posters, calculators, magnets, ... stuff. This particular teacher seems to have had a problem throwing things away. Even broken things. In the classroom there is a tall cupboard with shelves, like a pantry. Today after school I was trying to get it cleaned out. (This teacher keeps telling me she is going to come and move the rest of her stuff, and nothing has moved an inch.) So I started at the top, cleaning out and organizing things. There is a Toshiba laptop with all the cords and a nice bag. There is a broken stereo speaker and a bag of unidentifiable, miscellaneous cords. There are paper bags, grocery bags, gift bags, garbage bags. Napkins, random plastic utensils, a razor blade. You get the idea. It hasn't been cleaned once. I got to the bottom shelf and was digging out paper bags when I got to some that had been chewed. I could actually see the little rat teeth marks. Very cautiously, I knelt down and peered in to discover droppings. I got a paper towel to swipe out the remaining garbage, fully expecting a rat to jump out at me. Fortunately, all I found was two boxes of VHS tapes from roughly 15 years ago, one of which was actually glued to the shelf with rat piss. HANTA VIRUS!!!! my brain is screaming. But I can't stop cleaning it... nobody else is going to do it and now that I know it's there, how can I live with it?? So I sprayed on a LOT of the industrial strength cleaner that was also in the closet, and let it soak. The stains didn't come out.... ugh.

Forced growth

Part of me thinks that all of this is happening because if my daughters and I are not forced to separate, we never will. And that can't be healthy for any of us.

What is wrong with this picture?

I have to get all this out somewhere and I guess that's why I have a blog. I crunched some numbers yesterday and found out that the 7th graders I taught last year showed the biggest single increase over their previous years' scores at that school since the 2004-05 school year. Their scores increased by an average of 16% over their 6th grade scores. And I only had 2 quarters to teach them before the AIMS test. It escapes me how nobody from the district is looking at the data and saying wait, what is happening here? I taught the majority of the 7th graders... I had four very full classes and the other 7th grade math teacher had 3 smaller ones. I am thinking of writing an email to the superintendent asking why I can't get a job in TUSD and why they went out of state to hire highly qualified math teachers, and ignored the one right in their backyard.
Today I sent an email to the entire family outlining my plan for what will happen if I don't have a job by the end of August, which is about a week and a half away. I've been in bed for the last three days. My youngest daughter is vomiting every morning before school. My oldest hasn't smiled in days. I think we're all doing our crying in private... trying to be strong for each other, I guess.
I am trying to count my blessings. I have a supportive family who won't let us be out on the street. We are all healthy. I will be able to get my master's degree even if I don't find a job. The oldest daughter's college is almost completely paid for with scholarships and grants. My credit isn't ruined... yet. There is bound to be something great waiting for us at the end of this long night. So I just keep praying.

Those poor men!!

This is a great article about how the recession is mostly happening to men. A few of the highlights:
-Men dominate the hardest-hit sectors of the workforce during the recession, so more of them are being laid off than women. Boo hoo.
-For the first time in history, women are close to becoming half the workforce. This article says the milemark is bittersweet, but I say no it's not. Women are unemployed too. I would know.
-Even though women are nearly half the workforce, they still make 80 cents on the man's dollar. This lead to a very astute comment on the article stating that all of these previously male-dominated employment sectors are replacing those laid-off men with women whose salaries are 20% lower. It's a win-win for the upper echelon... as always.
The article is good, if too sympathetic to the men. The graph is hilarious, and the comments... well you should just go read it!

Stephanopolous takes down Gingrich

I thought this was definitely the high point of today's This Week. Gingrich is nothing but a hatemonger. He tells lies and spreads rumors, and the only time he gets called on it is when he is foolish enough to appear on a political talk show. You would think resigning in disgrace would be enough to convince him to keep his pie hole shut... but I guess the fact that he doesn't get it is at least good for entertainment value.

Another reason to feel sorry for white men

Silver Lining

1918 Flu-level pandemic means a lotta people are going to be missing work (read: dead)...Maybe I can finally get a job.

Friday Morning Stomachache

Pat Buchanan is all about protecting that endangered species, that put-upon, degraded, ignored, and under-appreciated white man. Among his more brilliant arguments on Rachel Maddow's show, when asked why 95.5% of supreme court justices thus far have been white:
I think white men were 100% of the people who wrote the constitution, 100% of the people who signed the Declaration of Independence, 100% of the people who died at Gettysburg and Vicksburg, probably close 100% of the people who died at Normandy. This has been a country basically built by white folks.
He says that Sotomayor isn't qualified for the supreme court because her test scores aren't high enough; because she got into Princeton based on her race rather than her intelligence; that she doesn't have the kind of mind to go up against, say, Scalia. He goes on to say that when all of the US Olympic track team is all black, he doesn't automatically assume discrimination. He thinks maybe they are just the fastest guys out there. When he looks at the US hockey team, and they are all white guys from Minnesota, he thinks maybe they are just the best hockey players out there. He says he opposed Harriet Meyer because she too wasn't qualified and didn't have the best thinking mind; even though she was a good Christian woman and would have voted with him. It's the THINKING MIND that matters. So following his own words, when he looks at the Supreme Court of the United States and sees they are all white guys, well, he thinks maybe they are just the smartest guys out there.
He goes out on this note: "They ought to defend the legitimate rights of white working class folks who are the victims of discrimination because that's the right thing to do and because it's the politically right thing to do."
He is absolutely convinced of his argument. It's just scary. Next time he appears in public I think he might be wearing a white hood.

heehee!!!

This guy's really funny.

Signs of improvement

The economy must be improving, because last week I started receiving credit card offers again. Also I got checks to use the cards I already have. That hasn't happened in about a year.

Those funny republicans

Did you see this? How about these? And this? Aren't they funny, those republicans? Know what they all had in common? Apologies. Oh, they are so sorry. They never meant to offend anyone. They just thought they were being humorous. They didn't see anything overtly racist! They don't think of things in terms of black and white!
Know what? How about when you idiots do stuff like this, you keep your self-serving apology? How about instead, you grow a pair and say that those thoughts should not be crossing your mind IN THE FIRST PLACE? How about if you say that you understand you did something racist, and that you are going to try to change your thought processes? At least, for the love of pete, stop trying to convince us that you're not really racist. YOU ARE.

The Patriarchy

We are approaching the official Celebration of the Patriarchy, otherwise known as Father's Day. I have been hearing the most vile commercial on the radio, trying to convince people to shop for Father's Day at the Foothills Mall here in Tucson. In the commercial, someone is listing great things about dads. I can't remember the exact wording or voices until the part where someone says, "To his own special way of dealing with the ladies." This is followed by a wolf whistle, then a boy's voice says, "Dad, stop staring!" After that there is the sound of a slap, and a male voice says, "Ow!"
Really?
Are you kidding me?
This is a quality of a "great dad?" A great dad is someone whistling at a woman who is clearly not the child's mother, in front of his child? Someone who stares at random women in front of his son? Really? It's sexist and awful. VILE.
So, I wrote a letter to the management. If you want to write a letter, the email addresses are at the link above.

Update: Got this today from the marketing director:
Hello,
I just wanted to let you know that the Marketing Director has been instructed to pull the commercial immediately.
Thank you again.

Victory

Historic anti-smoking legislation sped to final congressional passage on Friday — after a bitter fight lasting nearly a half-century — and lawmakers and the White House quickly declared it would save the lives of thousands of smokers of all ages. Even more important, they said, the measure could keep countless young people from starting in the first place.
_ Cigarette packages will have warning labels that cover 50 percent of the front and rear. The word "warning" must be included in capital letters.

_ Any remaining tobacco-related sponsorships of sports and entertainment events will be banned, as will giveaways of non-tobacco items with the purchase of a tobacco product. A federal ban will be imposed on all outdoor tobacco advertising within 1,000 feet of schools and playgrounds.

_ Point-of-sale advertising will be limited to adults-only facilities, and remaining vending machines will disappear except in places restricted to adults. Retailers who sell to minors will be subject to federal enforcement and penalties.

_ Smokers, particularly the younger crowd, will find they can no longer buy cigarettes sweetened by candy flavors or any herb or spices such as strawberry, grape, orange, clove, cinnamon or vanilla. Cigarettes advertised as "light" or "mild," giving the impression that they aren't as harmful to health, will no longer be found on store shelves.

The FDA tried to exert authority over tobacco products in the 1990s, but the industry fought back and the Supreme Court in 2000 ruled, in a 5-4 decision, that the agency did not have regulatory powers over tobacco under then-existing law. Several efforts by lawmakers since then had fallen short, victims of industry lobbying and opposition from the Bush White House.

This NEVER would have happened without the election of Barack Obama.

DOH!!!

I started a math class for my master's degree on Monday. We adjusted the schedule that day so that we could be done before July 4th weekend. As a class, we voted to begin class at 8:30 and end at noon, instead of going 9:00 - 11:45, which was the original scheduled time. Well, I went home and didn't look at my notes, and put 9:00 in my calendar. So for the last 2 days in a row, I have been 1/2 hour late for class. Both days when I have come in, there has been discussion about classroom issues going on. Things like, "This division algorithm seems really complicated to me. How would I explain it to 7th graders?" Things that aren't math. So I didn't realize I was coming in late, because it seemed to me class hadn't started yet.
The teacher for this class is also my thesis advisor. I had spent some hours on my thesis problem and wasn't sure about how I was doing, so I emailed him asking if he could stay after class to read what I had and tell me if I was on the right track. He didn't respond to my email. So yesterday after class I asked if he received my email. He said yes, but he was acting very strangely... he wouldn't look me in the eye, and his words were terse. He said we could talk about it and we both sat down. Then he says, "The thing is, you have to start showing up on time." I said I thought I was on time. He told me class started at 8:30. I'm quite certain my horror was obvious on my face. I apologized, and his response to my apology was, "You voted on the time change." I said I put the wrong time in my calendar, and I would make sure to be on time. I've been in this master's program for 2 years now. I've rarely been late or absent for any of my classes. It seems to me this is a forgivable offense. Anyway, I got out my thesis notebook and showed him what I had been doing. I said, "This is my restatement of the problem, and this is what I have so far." Bear in mind, I had told him in the email that I needed to know if I was on the right track, and he said he received my email. So he looks at what I have on the first page, and without bothering to turn the page and see the rest of it, he says, "So what is your question?" And he didn't say it nicely. I said, "I just need to know whether I am on the right track." I turned the page so he could see what I had written about how to solve the problem, and this is what he says to me: "Why did you write all this stuff?" Well, I was done with him at that point. I can't remember the time when I felt more stupid than at that moment. I said, "That is what I was thinking when I was trying to figure out how the problem was constructed." I must have conveyed my anger and desire to flee, because he finally lightened up and started talking to me about how to approach the problem. I listened to what he said, offered no more of my own thoughts, and thanked him. I got up and apologized again for my mistake with the starting time, and again my apology went unacknowledged.
So, even though I really love the things we are doing in class, I don't want to go. My feelings are hurt. I made a mistake... I see no reason why he should be possessed to be so rude and unkind to me. All I can do is apologize and fix the mistake. The worst part is that the next time I need help with my thesis problem, it will be exceedingly difficult to approach him. I doubt I will be able to bring myself to do it. I want nothing to do with him. Maybe given some time, I will feel better about the situation... I hope so... because it's a fucking THESIS and I might need some fucking HELP.

I found it!!!

I found it!! My perfect job.

I wish I hadn't clicked the link

Now that I have, however, I must share it with you.
Everybody knows that the Old Boy's Club hates Sotomayor. What is there to like about her? First of all, she has a vagina. Strike one. Second, she is other than Caucasian. Strike two. Third of all, she has the audacity to think that strikes one and two allow her some kind of BENEFIT when it comes to her ability to judge people, things, and situations. Think of it! Being other than a white male, in this, the U.S. of A., and thinking there's some kind of ADVANTAGE to this fact!
Obama's decision to nominate a Hispanic female to the Supreme Court is just the latest in a long sequence of attempts to de-white-cockify our government. We can't stand for it! Before long, women and coloreds will have more influence than the long-suffering white American male! People, take action!
It just struck me yesterday the reason for the super-abundance of hate-filled, racist verbal diarrhea regarding Sotomayor that is spewing from the predominately white, male talking heads on the news networks. The past White House positions that Obama has filled with other than white males have all been appointments. There's no debate about those. This, however, is a nomination. (I'm a little slow, I know.) The point is that finally, the talking heads feel they have some say in the matter. The hatred and bigotry that they have been forced to stifle in the first 100 days is all coming out at once, with a vengeance, and is all directed at the same woman. And what exactly can they say about her? See strikes one, two, and three above.
Turns out that's enough.

Listen up, Dickheads

The only thing you have going for you now is money. And that's temporary.

Awesome

You should really go here and watch all of the old school Sesame Street clips. I promise you, you haven't had that much fun sitting at your computer in a long time.

You have to wonder...

You have to wonder about your mental state when you choose to wash down your gas-x with diet soda.

Bitter much??

At my daughter's graduation last night, I ran into the parent of a former student. I had this student my very first year teaching, four years ago. I was teaching 6th grade math and science, and every teacher had to teach an elective. The teacher chose the topic of the elective, and I chose to teach the kids how to make sense of fractions using cookie recipes. We would spend a few days doubling or tripling a recipe, draw little cups and quarter cups of flour and sugar, etc. I called the class "Cookies 101." After we learned the math and figured out how much of each ingredient we needed, we actually made the cookies. It was a fun class, and none too difficult, I assure you.
So when I ran into this parent (who by the worked at the high school my daughter graduated from, so they knew each other) I said hi to her and then was talking to someone else. In the background I hear her say, "Cookies 101." I turned to her and said, "What? Are you talking about my old class?" She says, "That's the only class my daughter ever got a C in." She makes a C shape with her hand.
I wish I could have said what I was thinking... Lady. Get. A. Life. But I didn't. Instead I said, "How do you get a C in cookies 101?" Then I moseyed away. Really, I just think she needs to MOVE ON. I hope I never have to see her again.

This can't be happening.

Well, here it is on the day of my daughter's high school graduation, and I am up at oh-dark-thirty. A nightmare woke me up and there was just no chance of going back to sleep.
I want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to do anything. I definitely don't want to go to work. I am packing up my classroom and getting ready to store all my teaching things in my garage once again. I am deeply depressed about having to start over at another school. This will be the 4th time in 5 years. There must be something wrong with me.
I helped graduating daughter with her salutatorian speech last night. She just needed a little assistance getting her thoughts down... the nervousness about giving the speech was getting in her way. I think in the end it will be a very good speech. She is so happy... I can tell that I am hurting her feelings because I am not happy with her. I am trying, I really am, but my God! You drop them off at Kindergarten and cry because you have to let them go, and in the blink of an eye they are 18, it's done, and you REALLY have to let go. Although I love and treasure the fine young adult she has grown into, I miss my baby.
She has stopped checking in with me regularly. She just understands that it's time now for her to live her own life. There was no conversation... it just happened. Part of me is thankful that we're normal, and the break is happening the way it is supposed to. But, I miss my baby.
I remember when she was born and they had to do a c-section after I had been in labor for over 24 hours. We were both so drugged up by the time she finally arrived that she didn't even cry. I remember being in recovery and trying to nurse her, and family kept coming in to see her. I understood their need to see her but I wished they would leave. I wanted those moments all to myself. If I had it to do over again, I would tell the staff that nobody could come in - NOBODY. I would keep those precious minutes all to myself.
The first night after she was born, I woke up in the early hours and she wasn't in her little bassinet next to my hospital bed. I panicked and called the nurse, and she brought the baby to me immediately. I was stunned that she must have been crying and I hadn't woken up... and very dismayed. What kind of mother would I be if I couldn't wake up when the baby cried at night? It wasn't until many years later that I realized the nurses must have swooped her up before she could wake me because I was recovering from surgery. I certainly didn't have to worry about not waking up... I could hear her sighing from another room. Something magical happens to a mother's hearing in those first few months.
As she grew up, I spent a lot of time simply stunned by her. She spoke her first word, "book," and held "Hop on Pop" up to me to read it to her. She embraced her little sister 14 months after she was born and I never saw a single sign of jealousy. She excelled in school from the get-go. She learned how to treat others well and how to control her temper. She figured out which kind of people she wanted to associate herself with, and who she would rather stay away from. She grew up.
She has made me proud all her life. Now she's off to find her own way in the world, and of one thing I am certain - she will continue to make me proud. Goodbye to your childhood, Jessica. I treasure every second it lasted. Thank you for being my daughter.

Hey, dumbass, I'm trying to save the world here.

I just went to the grocery store, with my reusable bags, like I always do. My new year's resolution was to cut down my use of plastic as much as possible. I bought bags at Trader Joe's (who has really cute bags for 99 cents by the way, made out of recycled plastic, so there's really no excuse to be using disposable plastic bags, y'all) and I try to remember to use them for every store I go into. Anyway, I got up to the checkout and the cashier started ringing up my stuff. I said to the guy, "I have my own bags." He says ok, and then just keeps going. I can see the bagger putting everything in plastic bags, so I finish unloading the cart and get down to where she is and say, "I really don't want any plastic." She says, "Oh, ok," and takes the reusable bags I hand her, and then starts putting the plastic bags in my cart! I said "No, can we take them out of the plastic? I really don't want any plastic!" So now I'm holding up the line, and the dumbass cashier finally starts helping us take everything out of the plastic bags and put it in the reusable bags. Honestly. What a moron.

10 minutes in the life

Teacher: All right now, you all have chosen a career from the list, written down your annual salary, and just now we figured out what your paycheck will be every two weeks. Everyone's paycheck is different, because you have all chosen different careers. Now it's time to pay the man. First off, you have to pay 1.5% of your paycheck to the government for medicare.
Student: What's medicare?
T: Health insurance for when you get old.
S: I'm not old yet. Why do I have to pay it?
T: Because when you are retired, you won't be working, so you won't have health insurance. You are paying now so that the money is there when you get old.
S: Ok.
T: What is 1.5% of your paycheck? Well first we have to convert 1.5% into a decimal. Who remembers how to do that?
(crickets chirping)
T: All right, we move the decimal.....
(crickets chirping)
T: Two places.....
S: Oh! To the right!
T: No.
S: To the left?
T: Yes. So we have....
S: Point zero one five.
T: Good! Now on your calculator, each of you punch in YOUR two week salary, which is your paycheck amount. Then push TIMES. Then push point zero one five. Depending on your career, you should end up with somewhere between five dollars and 80 dollars.
S: Mine says zero point zero zero zero five six.
T: Does that make sense?
(crickets chirping)
T: How much money is that?
(crickets chirping)
T: Is it more than a dollar or less than a dollar?
S: Less?
T: Ok, let's try it again. Put your paycheck amount into the calculator.
S: This one?
T: No, that is your annual salary. How much do you make every two weeks?
S: This one?
T: Yes. Put that in. Now, put point zero one five.
S: But miss, when I do that it says zero point zero one five!!!
T: That's ok, because that's the same thing.
S: Oh yeah.
T: Now push equals. What does it say?
S: one two point two three six seven.
T: How much money is that?
S: This is money?

Stupidity

Because this is what unemployed people need... a free 24-hour hard on.
Imbeciles!

A-S-WHO?????

I thought this site must be either mistaken or full of it when they said that ASU had refused to give President Obama an honorary degree when he speaks at the commencement later today. But then I found out it is true!!! Every ugly word! What the hell?! He should have gone to the U of A instead. There, we know how to treat people. Especially people who also happen to be President Hottie.

Down for the count

Something is very wrong... after a day and a half of antibiotics my parotitis is worse, not better. Of course the doctor said that it would take 72 hours before they start to really work, so I'm probably jumping the gun. But the other side is starting to hurt, which freaks me out. Is there a chance I actually have the mumps? I don't see how. When I looked parotitis up on the internet, one of the causes is a compromised immune system, which I probably had after the half-marathon. Another cause is several different strains of flu, so it could be I just have to wait it out. I'm probably just being a big baby.

Sacrifice

I guess I'm just a bad mom. When it comes to the true sacrifices, I just can't cut it.
I have an infection and inflammation in my parotid gland, which in layman's terms means my head and neck freaking hurt. I want nothing more than to stay in bed. I don't even want to eat. So the timing is great because it's my oldest daughter's senior prom, and it's my youngest daughter's choir awards banquet. Early this morning I went with the oldest daughter to take her car through emissions testing. Then we went shopping because I needed something decent for the awards banquet. We came home and I crashed for two hours. Then I got up and did hours of fingernails, toenails, make-up and hair. Finished just in time to get myself and youngest to the awards banquet. Youngest daughter did not sit with me during dinner so I had to make stupid small talk with the other parents, whom I don't even know or care about. Got through the dinner and then the extremely annoying, conceited, self-important choir teacher got up to make her speech. She stepped up to the microphone and said, "Hello," and it was very loud. The volume was up too high. Then she says, "That's what happens when you have your master's degree in vocal performance. You learn to project!" Vomit. Seriously. She said she wanted to tell us about her experience teaching our kids in their choir classes. She started her speech with, "The first day of school..." I thought it was a joke but it wasn't!!! She talked for 45 minutes nonstop about the school year. When that was over, she started giving out awards. Award after award after award. When youngest daughter had received all of the awards she told me she would get, I asked her if she could find a ride home. She asked the girl next to her, who said yes, and I said I just had to go back to bed. I could not sit and listen to that woman talk for another two hours, which was the time the banquet was scheduled to end. So, like I said, when it comes to the tough sacrifices I just can't hack it. I came home, took a bunch of drugs, went to bed, and started blogging instead. Soon I'll be asleep and it will all be a distant memory.

Time doesn't fly

Every day at work seems to last forever this week. It's a combination of my excitement for this weekend's trip to Newport Beach, plus the kids have end-of-school-itis which makes life kind of miserable. Yesterday they were complaining because I am still making them do work, and I just have all these tricks to make them work, and they can't wriggle out of it. So I said well, then complain to your parents, and then have your parents complain to the principal, and maybe we'll all get lucky and she'll fire me. Or I have another idea, start a petition. One of them says, "No offense Ms. P, but we already tried that." I about bust a gut laughing. Of course I already knew about the petition but none of them had ever copped to participating before.
On a down note, it looks like this will be one of those weekends where bringing work home with me is unavoidable. The kids are taking their placement test for next year, which will decide whether they qualify for the high-school credit algebra class or regular 8th grade algebra. The principal wants the lists ASAP so I have to get those tests graded. The good news is that I will only grade the kids who have a shot at actually qualifying for the HS algebra class, so out of 120 students I'll only grade about half their tests. I can also grade during the day while they are testing, so hopefully there won't be much left to do at the end of the day.

Idiot Men

Yesterday was my last longish run before the half marathon. I was going to go 5 miles. I planned a downhill route because the first 5 of the marathon is downhill and I wanted to see what it was going to feel like and how fast I could do it. Anyway it was all a huge mistake, and I realized in the first 5 minutes that I had pushed way too hard yesterday and I was probably not going to finish the 5 miles, much less go fast. But I didn't have my cell phone and it didn't occur to me to turn around and go home, so I just struck up a slow and steady pace and before long I was doing ok. I was miserable but holding up.
The whole time I have been training for this half marathon in the area where I live, there has been almost a complete lack of the kind of behavior I used to put with in Phoenix when I went walking or tried to run. The behavior I speak of is people driving past in cars and throwing things out of their windows, or hollering at me, swerving in my direction, etc. I was so pleased with the fact I hadn't had to deal with any of that, and I thought how much nicer Tucson is than Phoenix. Until yesterday.
I was already having a bad time, and about 2 miles or so into the run a truck drove by in the opposite direction and someone hollered. I am not sure what they said but I'm pretty sure it wasn't flattering. Then I got to the part of the route that I have never run on before. It's down a kind of busy road but there is plenty of dirt on the side of the road to run in. I was hobbling along and right behind me a car slams on their brakes hard enough to send a large puff of smoke right in my face and make a sound loud enough to scare the living daylights out of me. Then they drove off laughing.
There have also been positive things happen on my runs. I get thumbs up, people honk and wave, fellow runners go by and wave and sometimes smile.
Here's the thing: My experience has been that whenever someone is rude it has been a younger male or males - late teens to twenties. Every single time. The hollering. The throwing of objects out the window. The guy at the Domino's who wouldn't give me water. Yesterday with the screeching tires. Every. Single. Time.
The women are the ones that honk and wave. When a fellow woman runs by, she is the one that smiles at me. (There is a man every now and then too, and they have always been my age or older.)
So I wonder why these men (and I use the term loosely) behave this way. Is it because they see a 200-lb woman, out of her element and clearly struggling, but successfully doing something tougher than they have ever done in their pathetic lives? Is it because they still mentally operate like 12-year-olds and they still have the childish need to feel superior, and the only way they can do that is to make someone else feel bad? Maybe they just have small dicks? Maybe they just are small dicks. I don't know. What I do know is that those are the times I see the meanest behavior my little corner of the world has to offer. And it happens at the times in my life when I am most vulnerable - huffing and puffing down that road under the power of my own two feet, sweating and pushing myself every step of the way.
But, the bottom line is, a little encouragement goes a very long way. And the meanness, well, it's just never going to break me.

I gave away the cheesecake...

but I ate two pieces before I did it. Then I ordered pizza for dinner and had two pieces plus a cheesy breadstick. Then jellybeans. Oh and a couple of 100-calorie packs of baked cheetos, and a small bag of potato chips that I had sitting around from a trip to Beyond Bread. I ate until I was sick. I couldn't stop myself. I don't know what to do.
I really hope for a better day today. I hate to see myself undoing all of my hard work. But my final paycheck is drawing near, the extra expenses keep coming in, and I'm not sure how we'll make it through the summer. So I eat.

Progress

Yesterday in math class my students had a problem where they were relating two variables to each other. For example, if you wanted to explain the relationship between the number of hours spent watching tv and grade point average, you would say that as the number of hours spent watching tv increases, the grade point average decreases.
One of the problems was relating the cost of a long distance phone call to the length (in minutes) of the phone call. Some of my students were flummoxed. One of them said, "I just don't know what this even means." I had to explain to them that in the olden days, before cell phones, when you wanted to call someone who lived far away it was called long distance. The further away they lived, the more money it cost to talk to them. The phone company charged you per minute. It's not like today where you just dial your cell phone and a minute is a minute no matter who you are calling.
I felt about as old as dirt.

the sweetest

I just want to make sure everyone has seen this. It is just one of the sweetest things I have ever seen. It moves me to tears every time I watch!

Pink Slips

A bunch of teachers in my school district got pink-slipped yesterday. Three teachers at my school were included but I don't know who they are. All I know is there were a bunch of upset-looking teachers walking around yesterday.
I am not sure anyone knows how many of the teaching positions in my district, especially math and science, are filled with temporary teachers. When we read the news articles and statements from the district, and comments from anyone and everyone, nobody ever mentions the temporary teachers. They are talking about teachers who are on permanent contract with the district, who are being laid off. It's scary because it's a double whammy and nobody knows about it. Along with the teachers being laid off, there are at least twice as many temporary positions, probably more, and then factor in the people who are retiring or leaving the district for other reasons. There will be 40 kids per classroom next year, and fourth grade teachers will be teaching 8th grade math because they have seniority with the district. Is this really the best we can do, Arizona?

I don't heart teaching

I've been having a hard time with one of my students. No big deal - comes with the territory. It's never even about me, it's about whatever else is going on in their lives, that manifests itself in the classroom. Especially with the kids whose parents aren't doing their jobs. The classroom is the only place they are held accountable for behavior and they don't like it. They usually take it out on me. It's part of the job. They're 12. Right? This particular child has a very bad situation. He lives with his father, who literally doesn't give a shit about him. His mother lives in Phoenix, but she's the one we are supposed to communicate with. The kid is an absolute basket case. He bullies and harasses the other kids. He is incredibly disrespectful to adults. He is one of those that thinks he is the class clown, and does stupid things to get attention but instead of laughing the other kids roll their eyes.
His mother is just downright nasty. Since the kids is constantly in trouble, the emails fly back and forth like crazy. (She is deaf, so that is her preferred means of communication.) Every single email we send to her is responded to with excuses about his behavior, and accusations and insinuations about why it's our fault, not his.
On Monday this kid had a very bad day in my class. He hates the class (it's an elective and we do calculator stuff or current events) so every single day he asks to go somewhere as soon as the bell rings. After a few days of this I just started saying, as soon as you are done with your work, you can go. Monday, the kids had just come in from lunch and I was getting them their calculators and their assignments, and this kid asks to go to the bathroom. I gave him my stock response for right after lunch - no, you can't go to the bathroom/get a drink/ use the phone/ talk to the counselor, you just had lunch. You have to do that kind of stuff on your own time. Well, he didn't like that one bit. He asked again, and this time I said, yes you can go - just do your work first and I will let you go. He asked again and I ignored him. He asked over and over again, his voice getting louder and louder, and finally got up with his things and left the room. I just said, don't come back. I wrote a referral, and sent an email to my team, the administration, and his mother, telling exactly what happened. We moved on with class, as always, like nothing happened.
Yesterday I got to work and was greeted with a nasty email from the mother, of course. She made some excuses, and then said that there was one thing she thought was particularly inappropriate. She said that her son told her as soon as he left the room, a friend of his told him that I was talking about him after he left and saying that he was just doing this for attention. She said she thought it was totally unprofessional and who would do that, talking about a kid after they left the room? Opinions like that should be kept in the teacher's lounge, not the classroom, she said. She said the kids are making fun of her son, saying that he does things just for attention. (I wonder if it occurred to her that this doesn't even make sense - the only people that would have heard me, had her son been telling the truth, were still in the classroom. He left alone, so how could a friend tell him anything?)
I responded to all and said I wasn't sure where this came from... we had resumed class as if nothing had happened, and all I had said to him was that he couldn't come back. If the other kids are making fun of him, then it is probably because they are witness to his behavior every day. I said that if she had any doubts about her son's behavior, or my behavior for that matter, she should come and observe my classroom before she jumped to conclusions. I said I work way too hard for my students to be spoken to and treated in this manner.
My entire teaching team, all three of them, replied to all and said that if this kid continues to have excuses made for him, nothing will change; that we are professionals and have been trained to work with kids; that the only person responsible for this kid's behavior is this kid. Parent replied with the same accusation, again with a rude tone, which I just deleted.
This is where it gets nasty. At lunch I found, in my mailbox, an article about how important it is to build relationships with middle school students. Somebody anonymously put it in my box. As if I didn't know that I need to have good relationships with my students. As if I haven't written papers on the subject. As if no matter what is happening, I am not doing enough. My team backed me up, so I know it wasn't one of them. It had to have been either the principal or assistant principal. I tend to think it was the principal. When a kid does something rotten and gets kicked out of class, her response is to sit with them in her office and give them warm fuzzies until their mood improves. Whatever - that is her decision. I, however, am a math teacher. I am not going to stop class and give warm fuzzies to some jerk who is disrupting, and take even more time away from the other thirty-something kids that need to learn their math, so that their mood will improve. I don't really care about their mood. It's math class, not kindergarten.
I sat the kid down after that and had a little chat. I told him exactly what his mother said - that he told her a friend told him that I was talking about him after he left the room. He says no, no, this happened a long time ago. Another teacher said she wouldn't sit me in the middle of the room because I would just try and get everyone's attention. My mom got it mixed up. I then told him that his mom said kids were making fun of him, saying he does things for attention. He said nobody is making fun of him. I said, are you sure? Because we can't have people bullying you. He said he was fine, nobody was bullying him. I said, if someone was, would you tell an adult that could help you? He said yeah. I typed up the transcript of the interview and it's in my computer.
This whole time, I have been thinking about some of the best advice I ever read - If you don't know what to do, don't do anything. So I haven't done anything. I thought, maybe I am overreacting. I will feel better tomorrow. But I don't feel better. I feel betrayed. When I started at that school in October, those kids HATED me. They had got through the entire first quarter of school without having to do anything in math. Now all of a sudden they had to be on time, act right, work the whole class period, and do homework. When they acted like an idiot, they got sent to the office with a referral. They absolutely could not stand me. They complained to the other teachers incessantly. They wanted the sub back.
There are 130 of them. At this point I would say that at least 110 of them like me. A few don't care about anything, but they don't cause me any grief. Then there is that small percentage that I have never been able to reach.
I think that for the administration to expect me to build relationships with all 130 kids, given the situation I came into, is a superhuman feat. The bottom line is that someone, probably the principal, agrees with this kid's mom that it's the teachers, not the kid. Not the kid's situation in life, which we have no control over. Not the kid's behavior, which we have no control over. So I guess I am supposed to just let him disrupt the class at his discretion, let him go wherever he wants, not make him do his work, etc. so that I can have a good relationship with him. There's just one problem - that's not a good relationship. That's the same relationship he has with every other adult in his life, who does not call him out on his crap. I refuse to be one of those adults.

One funny comic

You have to read this. It stars my hero, Judge Judy.

AIMS

Well it's that time of year again... an entire week of testing for the kids. They are dreading the testing but seem excited about the new schedule because things will be different for a week. They sure love novelty. I hate AIMS week because it's so boring. I can't get any work done because I have to watch the kids so closely, to make sure they aren't texting. So I just sit and watch, for two hours, every day. Ugh.

Temper, temper!

I lost my temper with one of my students yesterday. He comes in every day and just sits there at his desk. He can't even be bothered to take out a piece of paper and a pencil. This is a trigger for me. If the kids can't even make the effort to try, I get really aggravated and feel like they are wasting my time. I go to the trouble to make good, accurate, valid bellwork questions. I go to the trouble to find the best resources, the ones that will best prepare them for AIMS and for their future in math. So it's really a trigger for me when they won't do their part. I have lots of kids who don't do their part, but they at least pretend, because they don't want me coming after them. Well this kid is just baiting me. He's doing it on purpose, to make me mad. The first thing I did when I realized this was move him to the back corner of the room and decided to ignore whether or not he was trying. Earn your F quietly, that's my motto. But then he started talking, because he could see that just sitting there wasn't going to get me mad anymore. So I start giving him a warning, and then when he doesn't stop talking, I move him to the back table so he is alone. He often refuses to move, talks back constantly, makes faces like he just can't understand why I am such a bitch to him. I kick him out more often than not because I don't get paid enough to babysit this little piece of shit. His mom lives in another city and is constantly badgering me about why her precious son is failing. He lives with his dad who we have never been able to actually contact. Clearly this kid has no supervision. it's a sad situation, and if he didn't get under my skin so much, I might be able to form a relationship with him and try to teach him to act right. But I can't. I can't stand him. So yesterday I told him to move to the back table, and he started talking back and didn't move. So I counted to three, and finally he started getting up his stuff, talking back, so disrespectful the whole time. The thing he says most often is, Oh my god. So I said it back, Oh my god. He said it again, and I said it again. I was mimicking him. So this went on for about four rounds, and I said, you just don't learn. He said, I don't care, so what? I said well, you just don't learn. You know what that makes you? I was hoping he would understand that I was calling him a dumbass, but all he said was, I don't care, so what? This entire exchange was in front of the rest of the class. It was so unprofessional. I get the feeling though, that this kid thinks he can act however he wants to me, and say whatever he wants to me, and I have to be nice to him. That's just not the case... if a student is rude to me, they get rude right back. If a student starts rolling eyes and making faces, I do it right back to them. This has never failed me before... once I start mirroring a student, they stop immediately and do whatever it is I wanted them to do. But this kid enjoys seeing me get mad. I have to stop getting mad.

Fascinating!

I just read this article about dreams. I have had extremely vivid dreams all my life.

Bitchery

I love me some good bitchery. Yesterday I had good reason for it!! Dammit!! At work, the AC is normally on all the time. No matter how cold the weather is outside, put 35 pre-adolescents in a small room and it's going to get hot and stuffy. So yesterday the high temperature outside was 90 degrees. Yes, 90. I know because that is what my car said when I went home, and my car does not lie to me. By about 11:00 yesterday, my classroom was absolutely stifling. The kids kept begging me to open the door, but it was even warmer outside than it was inside, for a while. So I opened it anyway just to shut them up. By 2:00, it was hotter inside than outside, and outside was 90 degrees. I canceled my tutoring and got the hell out of there. I really hope the ac is working today. I should be paid extra or something.