The ultrasound on my thyroid gland came back normal, they said. It seems to me that the left side is still bigger than the right, even though my neck stopped hurting and the popping/clicking thing stopped happening. I am feeling better - I have been able to get out there and run again, although it still doesn't feel good like it used to. My muscles are fatigued after 2 miles, instead of energized. Maybe I didn't give myself enough time off after the half marathon.
At any rate, the doctor told me to keep a food diary, and even though it pissed me off, I did it. Then I found out that you can keep an electronic food diary on CalorieKing.com, and click on the foods you ate and it will count your calories for you. It also keeps track of what categories your calories fall into, your nutrients, and such. There is a fantastic bronze-to-gold medal type thing where you have to actually list your motivations and barriers, and sit and think about what you can do to make your motivators more powerful and your barriers less destructive. But I digress. You can get charts and graphs on this site as well, and what I saw was a bracing and sobering reality check. I eat too much food.
The three days after the half marathon, for example, my caloric intake was well over 3,000 per day. That's enough for a 300-lb woman to maintain her weight. The days before the half marathon, when I was not running because I was too tired or didn't feel well, and just trying to get through the day, my caloric intake is usually around 2,500. That's enough for a 250-lb woman to maintain her weight.
Could it be that I am actually tired because I'm fat, instead of being fat because I'm tired? Now, I'm not convinced that I am completely healthy. The low body temperatures, clumsiness, forgetfulness, and general fuzziness are very concerning to me. Those are not in my head. But if my bloodwork comes back normal, I am going to have to face the reality that I am over 40 and this is going to be my life. In that case, I really will have to increase my anti-depressant, because this is no life. At this moment, I have a burn from when I was cooking tortillas and set my arm down on the edge of the frying pan; and a 2-inch by 1/2-inch bruise on my arm in the exact shape of the side mirror on Jessica's car, from when I was walking towards the car and lifting my arm to avoid the mirror, but didn't quite make it. These are the injuries from last week alone. I trip, and lose my balance, and can't remember where I put things; I start to put the milk in my bedroom, and my eyeglasses in the fridge. I'm really scared that this might be my life. Twice last week I forgot to eat breakfast, which means I forgot to take my medications. Then I forgot to replace the extra one-day dose of meds that I keep in my purse, so the 2nd time I had to go home during my planning period to eat and take my meds.
So I am going back to the doc, to ask her to do bloodwork. I will tell her about the food diary and my realizations about my eating habits, and that I joined the website and will be keeping track of my progress and actively monitoring my eating and exercise. I will also tell her about what my life is like right now. Then I have about a week in between that and my next shrink appointment, so that if my bloodwork comes back normal I can talk to him about the situation and see what he thinks.
I really am scared.
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