Deja Vu, and not the good kind

Last year, about this time, the superintendent came to the school where I taught and read the staff the riot act. There were many thinly veiled threats to our jobs if our students didn't do well on the upcoming state standardized tests. The possibility of the state coming in and taking over the school was discussed... but the superintendent made sure we knew that he wasn't worried about HIS job; he said, "I have three board members in my pocket. You think I'm worried? YOU should be worried!" I kid you not - that is exactly what he said. And in a raised voice and none too pleasant tone.
The result of this badgering session was a lot of anger and frustration on the part of some of the staff. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. In the end, things went on as they had before, and the students did about as well as we all expected. The state didn't come in and take over the school, but the principal was reassigned somewhere else in the district, and many of the newer teachers, including myself, were laid off.
Yesterday, somebody from the district office came in and read the staff at my current school the riot act. I wasn't listening when the principal said his title. I don't know or care who he was. I know he is a higher-up - it was obvious from his arrogant demeanor and the disrespectful delivery of his message.
When he finished telling all of us what a shitty job we were collectively doing, and how a panel from the district office would be observing next week, and how we were going to go through a "solutions team" process so that we could stop doing a shitty job, he graciously took questions from the audience. I mean, the staff.
The reaction we gave him was very similar to the one the superintendent got last year from my former co-workers. Some of the staff was hurt, angry, and upset. Hands were raised and teachers were defending themselves, having been put on the defensive by the tone of his message. He didn't interrupt anyone, he made eye contact with whomever was speaking, and he nodded periodically to show that he was listening. However, there was no emotional reaction whatsoever. No body language, no facial expression, nothing to indicate that what he was hearing was at all of concern to him. And of course, it wasn't. He had come to do a job, and he had done it. The question-and-answer session was merely a courtesy to the staff.
I felt hurt and betrayed, and devalued and demoralized, and everything that I felt last year at this time. This year, however, there was a nagging little voice in the back of my head that was making some sense. This voice asked me a few questions:
"Who do you see getting angry and defensive and speaking up?"
"Who do you see just sitting there?"
Herein lies the problem with trying to defend the teaching profession. Those who spend time and energy defending the job they are doing and explaining why it is so difficult to be successful are the ones who do not need to defend their teaching. They are good teachers.
Those who just sit there are the ones who always sit there. They sit there during class time. They sit there during meetings. They sit in the room in which the district or principal requires them to be, and they sit there.
Those are the teachers that the asshats from the district are talking to.
There's a problem with this: Those teachers won't respond. They don't care.
They know there is a small chance they will lose their jobs. They know that this will only happen if the state actually does take over, which they won't, because the funding for that program was cut last year and it pretty much doesn't exist anymore.
They are union members. They are shitty teachers. They just sit there.
The same thing is happening in Wisconsin. The teachers protesting at the capital are the last ones that should be there. They deserve to keep their jobs and their benefits, because they are good teachers. They care. If they didn't, they wouldn't be protesting in the first place.
The unions need to go away. The collective bargaining needs to go away. It is only then that the asshats will be free to say to a teacher who is just sitting there, "You are part of the problem in this school. You aren't getting a contract next year." As things stand right now, they don't have the power to do that. They know that they will never be able to prove the level of incompetence that is required in order to fire a teacher. Nor do they have the time and the resources to gather the materials that would be necessary for such a thing.
My bottom line is this: I am a teacher. I go to work every day to teach. From now on, in those meetings, I am going to be one of the ones that just sits there. But it won't be because I don't care. It will be because I DO care, and I am saving my energy for my students.

Ok, maybe not!

So I took $50 out of my emergency fund to have enough money for my ACCC payment. Then I hid it and said the hell with it, my emergency fund is $950 and that's all I have to say about that. When everything comes out of my checking account I will have $0.65. I get paid on the 11th. I am tutoring today and I am really hoping that she will pay me when I leave her house because then I can go to the store and buy cheese. As you know, blog, cheese is my main food group. Yesterday I thought I had cheese in the refrigerator, so I spent my last few dollars on a can of enchilada sauce and some corn tortillas. I was going to make cheese enchiladas and MAN was I looking forward to them. Then, I got home and I didn't have cheese! I ate it and I don't even remember when. So I made spaghetti and tater tots instead. Don't worry, blog, I am not starving! I just really wanted those cheese enchiladas!
There is bad news. I did my budget worksheet and I am short $450 of the monthly expenses. I can't figure out what the hell is wrong. Well, that's not exactly true. All together, my payments on all of my debt are about the same as one paycheck. My rent is more than half of my second paycheck. That leaves less than half of one paycheck for all my utilities, car insurance, medical expenses, and food. I'm living on just my own salary now and the numbers simply do not add up. I'm thinking a 4th job isn't possible. I can't work on weekends because I teach at Pima some Saturdays. A night job isn't a possibility - I need more sleep than most and I would lose my tentative grip on sanity. So I don't know.
A little Wednesday Bitchery - when I watch the news coverage of the situation in Wisconsin, with the unions, I keep hearing about how public sector employees have these great benefits. It makes me see red. What great benefits? Seriously? Everyone who knows me, knows what I think about the teacher's unions. I haven't changed my mind. I want to be a teacher and I want my job performance to be evaluated based on how my students show growth in their learning. I don't want my job to be hinging on how many years I have been teaching. That doesn't make any sense. So I want the unions to go away. Right now with all this hubbub, the teaching profession is being absolutely demonized. So we're getting it from both ends right now. I truly do not understand where people get the idea that we make so much money for what we do and have these great benefits. I wish I could get 20/20 or Dateline or somebody to come and film my days for about a week. They could blur out everyone else's faces. I think it would help give the private sector a serious and bracing reality check regarding what teachers actually do, and how difficult it is to survive on teacher's wages.

Better

My cough seems to have changed its mind. Not a single cough during the night!
My insurance company says I have no deductible for mental health, just a copay.
I still don't want to go anywhere but I wonder how much of it has to do with needing to recuperate from work? I've been sleeping 12 hours a night but what if it's not depression? Today I don't feel depressed.
I have my emergency fund in an envelope but now my bank account will be overdrawn when my ACCC payment comes out, unless some money appears in my account between now and then. I will stubbornly choose to wait until the last moment for that to happen, before I put back part of my emergency fund! I so want to be finished with it! Buying all that medicine for my illness set me back almost that entire hundred dollars. Stupid cough.
The lady I am tutoring takes her test on Monday. I told her yesterday I'm way to invested in the results! If she doesn't pass I'll feel like I'M the one who failed! I really do think she will pass. She's doing so well.

The crazy's got me.

The crazy has got me in its evil, evil clutches. Fortunately, I have things to do that will force me out of the house today. I have a list of things to do but yesterday I just laid around feeling sorry for myself. Today I am tutoring the lady who is trying to become a kindergarten teacher, and I am hoping that once I get showered and out of the house, I will feel better and will go ahead and do the things that are on my list.
I think there are a few things contributing to this new and seemingly inevitable trip down depression lane. First, it's never good to have an illness that is dragging on. I have had no voice for the last 8 days. The cough started to go away, and now is coming back, as I knew it would. But I was so prepared this year. I have been writing everything down since day 1. I wrote my symptoms and how much medicine I have been taking, and which kinds. Now when I go see Dr. Min on Monday, I will have been managing by myself for the last 12 days, and he will have to do something. My logic is that if I had gone after the first few days, like everyone was telling me, he would have just sent me home, telling me to take the medicine I was already taking, and see if it would clear up on its own. So I just skipped that step, which would have cost $40 and been completely useless. See? But I think being sick for more than a week or so takes its toll on my mental health.
The second contributing factor is being off work for more than 2 days at a time. It's just never good for me to have too much time on my hands.
The third, and most relevant thing, is that I have got myself in a cycle of blaming myself and feeling sorry for myself because of the fact that I have this disease and it's progressing as I age. When I went to see this guy that does the intensive outpatient therapy, he corrected me when I said that I was bipolar. He said that I am not bipolar, I am not this disease, I HAVE this disease. A diabetic person wouldn't say I am diabetes, they would say I am diabetic. Semantics? I don't know. Anyway, I have a lot of self-hatred going on, and I just keep going back to the fact that this will never go away. I will never be "better." All I can do is manage it, with the help of my support system. Keeping in mind that I am lucky, SO lucky, to have the support system that I have usually helps. But I have even found a way to keep that from helping, by developing this overwhelming fear that the people in my life that comprise my support system will get sick of dealing with me and will abandon me. I am sick of myself. So how can they not get sick of me? I hate being around me. So how can they not hate being around me? I just feel like an asshole.
The fourth and probably most important contributing factor is that I haven't been exercising. Exercise is like a 5th pill that I should be taking every day. I can blame the illness for the past few weeks, but even with the cough I could be taking a walk every day. At least I think that would be ok. (It seems like going outside makes the cough worse, so maybe it wouldn't be ok. On the other hand it might help. Dammit Jim, I'm a teacher, not a doctor!!! hahah!!!)
So I think I really need this outpatient therapy. It just pisses me off that going to this therapy is going to set me back as far as my financial freedom! It pisses me off that I need it, period! I don't want to drive clear across town (it's an hour drive after work to get there, no joke) three times a week! I'm not sure that is a good idea! I will have to either quit my tutoring job or have something to do after work every single night of the week. How can that be a good thing? I do have the option of doing the therapy twice a week instead of three times. The social worker recommended against it, but it's still an option. The cost in gasoline will be huge. I'll have to stop for something to eat every time. I just don't know!!!
I"m seeing Dr. Saeed next weekend, and I'm definitely not in the frame of mind to hurt myself, so don't worry, blog. I recognize the stupid depression for what it is. And I know I will feel better if I do the things that I am supposed to do, one of which is letting my support system know that I am having difficulty. Check. Also keep taking my meds and keeping my mood chart. Check. Get out of the house. Check. So it will be ok. Writing about it helps. Check. It's gonna get better.

It's actually working out!

I got both my refunds, and finished my emergency fund, and paid off the small B of A loan. Now I can start paying off my car. If I can put even $100 more toward my car payment, then I will have it paid off in less than a year. Hopefully I can get a good job over the summer and pay it off then. That's an extra $350 a month I can put toward the credit card I have in Mom's name. Then, when I put that money plus the money I have already been paying toward that every month, I should have that paid off in about a year. It's a long process but getting into this much debt took a lot longer. And it feels so good to be living within my means. I can't believe I will have a car that's paid for! I wouldn't have imagined such a thing a year ago! All of this of course barring disaster. Something is bound to come up between now and then, but I have the money saved to pay for a disaster up front, and then I'll just build back my emergency fund and keep going. Ramsey's plan is taking me a hell of a lot longer than he said it would, but then my situation is kind of extreme.
For now, I see the light at the end of my debt tunnel, and it is exciting. Just to have hope is an incredible gift.

The cooties got me!!

It's a chest cold. NOOOOO!!! I have no voice and my chest hurts. The worst part is not being able to talk. Everyone knows how much I like to talk. But it kind of hurts to do it. It's a good exercise in listening!! haha.
My tax refund should be coming in a couple of days. Then I can finish my emergency fund and pay off the small B of A loan that wasn't included in the debt consolidation. I need to take my Mac to this place in Tucson that fixes them - if they can get it to start I can get my budget worksheets off of it! Really I need to just quit being lazy and do them over again. I'll have to get right on that.
Testing today at school and I have to read the math part out loud. I really don't think that's happening! I will have to ask the administration if they can trade me with someone who doesn't have to read but who knows how. I'm sure it will work out. I got the kids some capri-suns and some fruit and crackers. They don't eat breakfast, because they are turd pre-teens, and then around 9:00 their little stomachs start growling. Totally ruins their focus. Well not on my watch!
So about the outpatient therapy program. I have about $100 left on my fsa card that I should be able to use for that. I need to call the insurance company and ask them if this is a mental health care deductible, because if it is, then the co-pays for Dr. Saeed this year should count toward it. I am trying to decide if I really need to go. My past experience with my disease says that if I am trying to tell myself I don't need it, then it's probably the first thing I need. Especially if the doctor told me I need it. So. I'm going to keep thinking about it.

I might have it

It was another good day, mood-wise. I think I am leveling off! Yay!

Well, shit.

I think the people at the district have really done everything they can about the broken air conditioning system, and the classroom topped out yesterday at 82 degrees. Much better, bearable I think, so as long as the weather doesn't get any warmer we'll be ok. Yesterday a boy came in and he had just had P.E. He couldn't cool off because it was so warm in the classroom. He told me he felt like he was going to pass out. This is a tough kid who never complains so it was kind of scary. His face was all red and he did not look good. I told him to get some water and he did cool off eventually. In an evil way I wish he had fainted because then we might get some attention from somebody who can pay the money to fix what's broken.
We have testing this week. Yuck. The school and probably the district is out of compliance as far as meeting accommodations for our SPED kids. I told the bigwigs what needed to be done and nobody even responded to me. So, I took matters into my own hands and sent out an email to all staff who is proctoring SPED tests. I told them in no uncertain terms what they had better be doing and if they weren't doing it then they were breaking federal law. The reaction I got was funny. Two people wrote back. First the principal, who said good email and that the admin would be following up by visiting the SPED classrooms. Then a bigwig from the district, saying "Thank you Sxxxx, now maybe we can get some compliance." Sxxxx is the school psychologist - one of the people who didn't respond when I told him we were out of compliance. The person whose JOB it is to make sure this is happening. So. You can see how awesome our SPED department is. Bunch of asshats. All of them. Then, I had two SPED teachers thank me for sending the email. Whatever! One of them was the head of the SPED dept. for our school! Whatever!! We agreed that we would check with our kids and ask them if their accommodations were happening. Whatever! Ugh!!! Thanks for the help, people who were supposed to be doing this in the first place!
After work yesterday I went to an intake appointment for the intensive outpatient program Dr. Saeed said I needed to come to. I spent 2.5 friggin hours answering a billion questions about very private matters. Then, at 6:30 p.m., they tell me I have a $500 deductible and the cost for each session is $90. The program is 3 sessions per week. 6 weeks in I would be done paying and I don't even know how long I would need to participate. I said there is just no way I can pay that money, and they said well sorry, bye. I wish I could tell all the jerks who insist we don't need healthcare reform about this. I wonder what they would say? I work for the government, in the most thankless job in the country, and I can't get benefits that will allow me the treatment I need. This in spite of spending over $2,000 each year to get the meager benefits I do have. Last year I spent over $1,400 out of pocket on medical expenses. If I was able to itemize, I would get that back from the state, but I don't have any mortgage interest or anything like that, so the standard deduction is always higher. It's quite the fun mess. Last year's expenses were high because of that horrible lung infection the first few months of the year, when I had to keep going back to the doctor, the urgent care, and finally the specialist before I got some help. I don't know how many prescriptions I paid for - and for drugs that didn't help. Another good reason for reform. If doctors had some kind of incentive to really figure out what was wrong the FIRST time around, everyone would benefit except those who make a fortune off of sick people. There is absolutely no reason I should have spent $100 on co-pays to see my PCP, who did not test my immune system until the 5th visit. Every time I went to see her, she talked about my weight and my diet instead of my hacking cough, wheezing, low body temperature and general weakness and malaise. My lungs have never been the same since. I spent $150 on three visits to the urgent care when I was so sick I almost couldn't get through the days. Then $80 on co-pays for the specialist.
So I have to call Dr. Saeed to tell him I can't afford the treatment he recommends, and I already know that he is going to tell me I really need to do this, and I will say it's either rent or therapy, and we'll both sigh and shake our heads, and life will go on. And hopefully I won't have another episode, and will get control of my moods. The last 2 days have been ok. Just keep praying, blog. Please let today be better than yesterday.

Hardball

I decided to play hardball in my quest to get reasonable classroom temperatures. I applied for jobs at Pima over the weekend, and then found out from a colleague who works there that there are huge cuts coming in the fall. They are closing one of the campuses and looking to place the people that will be ousted. They are not hiring AT ALL. However I think she might be talking about full-time faculty positions, which I don't have a shot at anyway. What I want is adjunct faculty positions teaching math classes. The website says they are hiring for that. So I can still hope.
Anyway I sent the principal and assistant principal an email yesterday morning stating that I had applied for some jobs over the weekend and they might be receiving some calls. Lo and behold, dear blog, the assistant principal was in the room at least three times checking on the temperature. Someone was up in the ceiling with a ladder by third period. I went to the back of the room, where the vents are, while he was up there. I felt cooler air coming out almost immediately. I asked him what he had done. He said he closed the valve. It took him all of 5 minutes. He said now you won't have anything coming in at all. I said GREAT! He explained a little bit about what is wrong with the system and why it's only our classroom that is suffering. It turns out the heating system turns on based on the temperature outside the school instead of inside the classroom. How stupid is that?
A little later, both the principal and assistant principal came in and came directly to me. The assistant principal says he has an update, and that they had bypassed the heating system entirely. He said it might get kind of cold in the room. I said I can always put MORE clothes on. I don't mind the cold! I am really hoping that this morning when I walk in, I won't feel like it's summer in Tucson and I'm walking straight into an open oven. We'll see. I wish they had done it sooner because now I am getting sick, and I am almost certain that walking in and out of the extreme temperatures is what did it. I was coughing that barky cough each time I walked from the hot room into the cold outside. I told the school nurse, who also knows about my bipolar and my immune system deficiency. Now the cough hurts and my chest feels compressed. Stupid bastards.
In other news, my Mac completely died. It won't turn on at all. All of my budget information is in there. Now I am really making a mess with my finances, because I need to start over and I don't want to do the work. I am using my work laptop. I am spending money based on my federal tax refund that should be coming but hasn't made its anticipated appearance. Ugh!!!

I spent.

I taught at Pima today until noon, and then tutored from 5 - 7. I treated myself to a pedicure. It wasn't a good pedicure, which pisses me off because it was $25 which is probably cheap... I don't know. My feet are not any smoother than they were when I went in. Anyway my toes look nice, which is good because I am wearing flip-flops in my classroom in order to bear the heat. I covered one of the vents with a posterboard and duct tape, and the classroom cooled down to below 80, but by the afternoon it was back up past 80 and it didn't matter. I told my co-teacher we need to both call in sick or something, until they fix it, and she said "I'm not that dramatic." So, I think this might be the last straw. I'm sick of working in a profession that is so pathetically undervalued. The state is talking about cutting the capital part of the education budget, which means even less money for things like building maintenance and desks. I have a fucking master's degree and I am making the same salary that Leslie will be making when she starts her job at the U of A bursar's office on Monday. None of that would matter if I felt like I was making a difference in the world, but the bottom line is that I spend about half my time babysitting because the kids don't give a shit and either they have no parents, or their parents don't care either. The other half the time I do teach, and sometimes I make a difference, and that used to be enough. But I am just fed up. So I am putting feelers out. I want to teach adults who are going back to school in an effort to change or better their careers. I think community college might be my best bet. I'm looking.

3rd job

I have a third job for a while - about 2 months, I think. Last Spring, I went to a little eggs n' hash browns type place to eat. I was there by myself, grading papers. The waitress asked me about the papers and I told her I taught math. She said she was in school to be a teacher (she wants Kindergarten, ugh) and that the math was really getting in her way. I gave her my number and told her if she ever wanted tutoring, I would charge $15/hour and teach her the math.
A couple of weeks ago she called me out of the blue. Her program is coming to an end and she still hasn't passed this test she needs called the Praxis. I would say the test goes up to about 8th grade math.
I looked at her test, and listened to her talk about the problems she had the most difficulty with, and asked questions until I understood what was blocking her progress. Well, to be quite honest, this poor woman has zero number sense. So I told her that if she felt at any point that I was condescending to her, let me know right away, and I began at the beginning. I drew her a picture of the number line and I could SEE her panic coming up. We talked about what she already knew, and I gave her lots and lots of positive feedback until she relaxed. I told her some things that I said would make sense the more we studied, but for now she just needed to accept these things as facts. Things like, there are as many numbers on the number line between 0 and 1 as there are on the entire number line from negative to positive infinity. Then we talked about our base 10 number system, and I showed her how the names of the place values correspond to the number of times you multiply or divide by 10. It took a lot of patience and a LOT of smiling and telling her she was fine so that she would relax. That will go away as time goes by and she sees that she is safe with me. Safety is a big issue here and it appears that's in no small part due to her idiot husband. He happened to be in the kitchen while I was talking about base 10. I was talking about money, since that is the best example of base 10 in our culture. I asked her what I would have if I broke up a dollar into ten equal pieces, what would I be holding in my hand. She had NO IDEA. It wasn't because she is that dumb. It was because she was panicking. I just slowed down, asked the question a couple of different ways, and waited. Well her dumbass husband, while she's thinking, walks by and says, "This isn't hard, babe!!!" in a nasty tone and with a frustrated look on his face. My head must have whipped around pretty fast and I probably didn't have a very nice look on my face, but all I said was, "She's thinking, it's ok..." in a really gentle tone. Whatever look I gave him inspired him to disappear for the rest of the session. I told her straight up that she needs support from him. She justified and made excuses, but I told her and that's all I can do. If I get the chance I will straighten his ass out.
I left her with homework and we set up the next appointment.
Attitudes and beliefs about math are so much a bigger problem than math itself. People have this idea that they should just be able to do it. That they should be able to look at something once and understand it. This is wrong. It's a belief that I blame on the male scientific community and the patriarchy in general. Here's why: Our school system was designed for white males. Since the inception of our educational history, the people privileged enough to move forward in their education have been the ones that take the least amount of time to understand the hard sciences. These (still) happen to be white males, and this is NOT a coincidence. It takes only a little bit of investigation to realize that it is a FACT that white males get more attention, more preferential seating, more help, and more encouragement than any other subgroup. FACT. They get more out of every teacher, regardless of gender or race of the teacher, than any other subgroup. Our patriarchy in action. Additionally, this population tends to be more privileged in general, having parent(s) that are available to help them, access to tutoring and other resources, and a structured household that values education. They have books, and parents/siblings that read, and have been learning an educated vocabulary their entire lives.
My best response to women (and it's always women) who display these beliefs is to turn in back on what they are good at. I said to this woman, "I would never expect to be able to go into your restaurant, watch you wait tables for a while, and then get up and do it myself without making any mistakes. I would expect a complete disaster." She nodded and I could see a little bit of understanding coming into her eyes. I said, "That is a learned skill that I don't have. So you have got to take it easy on yourself and give it some time. I will help you and you will be successful at this. But you can't have the expectation that it's going to come just like that." I could see her shoulders relax. It was awesome.
She only has a month left before she has to take the test again, and if she fails it this time, they have to pull her out of her program and she has to wait for the next available opening. Stupid University of Phoenix. She should have called me earlier but I know how hard it is to ask for help. After she takes and passes the Praxis, she has to take and pass the AEPA a month later.
My financial bottom line: This is an extra $30 - $45 per week for the next couple of months. YAY!!! And it's almost effortless. Adults are so easy to tutor. They do the work, they follow directions, and they try their best. If they don't understand something, they are usually able to articulate it. So it's like getting money for say, running errands, but it's even better because it's rewarding!
Anyway I am blogging instead of writing IEP's, planning for teaching at Pima this Saturday, and exercising. I have way too much to do in the next few days, and not enough time or energy to get it all done. I have to be careful because of my recent mood episode not to overdo it. Eh, it will work out. It always does. My co-teacher was not resentful. She was just glad I was back. The blower in the classroom is putting out a jetstream of 90 degree air. It is absolutely miserable in there. I told the kids that their parents need to call the district office and complain, because my pleas for help certainly aren't getting us anywhere. I really don't understand what the problem is. It's nice outside. All they have to do is block the vent. Oh hey, that gives me an idea... if I get there today and it's still blowing hot air, I'm going to duct tape posterboard over it. Oh, that is totally what I'm going to do. I'll keep you updated, dear blog.

PS

I probably will lose a friend, but it will be my choice. He's been one of my best friends for 5 years... he's the guy I co-taught with in Vail. He taught me about special education. We never lost touch. Yesterday on Facebook (which I really should have been staying away from, but I don't know, I couldn't stop with the interwebs) he asked me if I was off work. I said yes, I was having a really hard time. He asked why, and I said I don't think I ever told you the extent of my mental illness. He said that I hadn't. I thought for a second, and then said, I have bipolar. He said, and I quote, "Gee, you could have fooled me! LOL" I didn't say anything. He said something about you have to laugh at life. I said yeah I laugh at my disease all the time, but not when it's winning. Then I went offline.
I never want to speak to him again.

My Wishes

I learned how to make the sugar-free creamer! I put 3 cups 1% milk, 1 cup heavy cream, 12 sweet n' low packets, and a dollop of vanilla. It tastes better than the store-bought one. I wonder if there is such thing as caramel extract? Oh!! There is sugar-free caramel syrup! I will try it next time. YUM.
I got my state tax refund just in time to avoid overdrawing my account when my car insurance comes out. I hate this out-of-control feeling. I feel almost like I'm back to square one, but really I'm not because I do have some emergency funds, and I do have a budget that is workable, and when I get my federal return I'll be in good shape. I am afraid that I will go on a shopping binge... especially after this last depression. With my disease, there tends to be an equal and opposite swing for every time I go up or down. If I go into a mania, then there is a good chance I'll spend. But this time might be different because the depression was caused by the change in meds. We'll see what happens. Next week I'll start an intensive outpatient program that is supposed to help me develop skills to better manage my moods on my own, when I find them swinging around. Dr. Saeed says this might help because I am compliant with my treatment and those are the patients that are usually able to learn these new skills. It's called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I don't know, it sounds kind of tree-huggy but if Dr. Saeed says it will help then I will try it.
I have called in sick the last 2 days, and I think my co-teacher is resentful. It doesn't help that our classroom is still 85 degrees. She was taking the classes down to the auditorium and other places to escape the heat, which to me is a very bad idea, but I wasn't there so I can't judge. I just know that change of venue is a really bad idea with my SPED kids because they tend to lose all control of their behavior.
I wish I could tell the people at work how dangerous it is when I am unstable, without fear of stigmatism. People hear the word "bipolar" and they think, oh my god, that person is crazy and is not to be trusted! And that kind of attitude is even worse when you're a teacher. I wish I could make them understand that I am aware of when I am unstable and I know what to do when it happens, and that includes calling in sick because my mood is out of control. I wish I didn't have this disease but wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up. I don't tell them what is wrong. I just say I can't function yet, I need another day. This has happened twice this school year, and both times it took 2 days. It doesn't seem like such a crime to me. Maybe I am paranoid. Scratch that, I KNOW I am paranoid.
But, I do know that I make people mad and I hurt their feelings when I am in the bowels of my disease. I don't know when I'm doing it. It happens when I'm not me. I just see people withdraw from me and I don't even want to ask what I did anymore because it hurts to know I am behaving badly and I can't control it. When I am functioning, my social skills are normal (I think). But when I'm having a hard time, I think they just kind of go away. I lose empathy and I lose the ability to consider others' feelings before I act. At least I think that's what happens. I don't really know. I think people get frustrated because they can talk to me, and I can sort of make sense, and they see that I can talk and communicate and walk around so they don't understand why I can't go to work or go out or behave normally or function socially. How do I explain? I can't. I just have to keep apologizing, when I am Melissa again, and hope that they let it go. I don't know what else to do besides apologize. The truth is, when I am in that state, I don't give a shit what happens with other people or situations. I think, work still runs when I'm not there. People still have their own lives when I'm not there. Deal with it. Because I can't right now. I don't want to be alive. I do things like drink all day long or take extra pills. I do whatever I have to do to escape. I probably say things that are offensive or insensitive. It doesn't help that I often can't even remember conversations I had with other people when I was not myself. I don't call anyone until I am on the brink of disaster, because even in my pathetic state of disorder, I know that talking to people = consequences.
Well it feels better to get this all down in writing. The fact is I had an episode and now I'm me again and I have to deal with the consequences of the episode. It's scary... I never know what to expect. Who did I piss off? Who did I frighten? Will I lose a friend? Who will be avoiding me? Have I ruined my relationship with the person of the opposite sex that I have been trying to be with? Is my family still speaking with me? This part is absolutely not paranoia... these are all things that have happened following a significant episode.
You know another thing that is scary? Terrifying, actually. The older I get, the further my disease progresses. What will my life be like in another 10 years? Will I even be alive? Or will I have had an episode that was so bad I didn't make it to the other side?
My children ask me if they are at risk for mental illness. I have to tell them yes. It's the truth. The look on their faces hurts so much. What if at some point I get so crazy that they won't take care of me anymore? What if I turn into my Grandmother, and I am so hurtful that they hire someone to put up with me so they won't have to? I wouldn't blame them... if I get abusive, then I don't want them around. Them or anyone else I love.
And now, I shall begin to count my blessings, because that always helps. I shall also put on my gear and run/walk, because that always helps. I shall go to work, smile and be thankful that I am me again. And I shall wait for the next round. Because it's coming, and there is not a goddamn thing anyone can do about it.

Definitely off track.

A few things are awry right now. The most damaging thing is that my rent and my big credit card payment both come out of one check. My check is big enough for that but there is nothing left for gas, food, necessities. So I have had to dig in to my emergency fund. That made me feel hopeless and I spent money on things like the $6/bottle anti-cavity mouthwash I kind of need but have been doing without, junk food, restaurants, etc. My saving grace is a somewhat healthy tax return which I can use to finish my emergency fund, pay off the small B of A loan, and leave enough cushion to float through those 1st of the month paychecks. Now I am done typing as I have to hunt and peck due to cutting my fingers quite badly whilst trying to make soup with a hangover.

Ach, the frustration!!

Everything seems to be happening so slowly. I had $690 in my emergency fund and last weekend I took $90 to go out with Leslie and have fun. I blew the rest of it on fast food. I don't begrudge doing it much, because I only have so much restraint, and it's better to just take some out and have some fun than deny myself and end up going crazy and spending all of it on stuff I want but don't need. I suspected, when I read Ramsey's assertion that most people can get the emergency fund saved in a couple of months, that I wouldn't fit into that category. I just don't make enough money and I don't have anything else to sell. I already have two jobs and now I am going to start tutoring a woman who is trying to escape waitressdom by going to school but she can't get through the math by herself. I'll probably charge her $10 an hour. Every little bit helps.
I just have to be patient. The money from Vince is helping a ton, but at least half of it is going to my budget, to make up for the parts that just weren't realistic when I set the first amounts. For example the $150 for groceries just isn't realistic, given that makeup, laundry detergent, cleaning supplies, etc. comes out of that money. I had budgeted $60 for gas and that wasn't enough... it's more like $80 or $90 with gas prices so high.
Right now I have $1700 coming in my federal tax returns. I am waiting for something from the U of A because I got some fellowship money when I finished my master's this past summer. But I think I might have been taxed on it last year. If I don't get something from them today I'll go ahead and file. With that money I can finish my emergency fund and start my debt snowball. My debt snowball is different from how Ramsey says to do it because I signed up with ACCC. I have decided to pay off the small B of A loan, then the car, then the Hughes credit card that is in Mom's name. Those are the ones that are not included in the ACCC account. Then withdraw from the ACCC program and pay off those 4 accounts, smallest to largest. Then I can tackle my student loans. Freaking $40,000 of student loans... I feel like I will never pay them off before I die, and maybe I won't.

Wow.

A change I haven't been able to make: putting milk and sugar in my coffee instead of the creamer or hot chocolate. Can't do it, and want to use the sugar-free creamer because I use less of it than milk.
I don't have to think about how many times I am eating fast food because I can spend the "restaurant" money on that and when it's gone, it's gone. I just know I'm not going very often at all and it may indeed be once every other week. Probably it's more like once a week.
I have been scrimping on water and electricity and clipping coupons religiously.
I haven't given up my smart phone for a cheaper plan. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.
Vince came home and yesterday he brought a ton of food home. Now I just need a few things and I will be able to stay within the budget I set for groceries. WAY exciting.
My paycheck was big because I got my sub pay for last quarter. The money went directly to my emergency fund and now I am more than halfway to my goal of $1,000.00. Unbelievable. I am current on all my debt.
It looks like bankruptcy is not necessary, and now that I am not paying fees and my interest rates are about 1.5%, I no longer feel like I shouldn't have to pay the money back.
I haven't had any trouble dedicating the time I need to work on the budget. I have been checking my bank balance every day but once I saw that the credit card payments had been disbursed by ACCC and I am current on everything, I stopped checking those every day.
So, progress report. I started the Total Money Makeover one month and 2 days ago. In that time, I have accomplished the following:
Become current on all my debt.
Saved a little more than half of my $1,000 emergency fund.
Made a budget and did a really great job considering it's the first month.
Completely and totally changed my attitude about money.
Incredible. What a blessing.

the coffee

The ground coffee I bought doesn't taste bad at all, but I am still going to Costco this weekend to buy a big bag of beans. It is more economical than the ground coffee - I think - I am going to see how long a bag lasts and then I will know which one to buy.
Last night when I went with the girls to see the president, I went straight from work and had to stop for dinner. Since I had commanded the girls to go, I thought I should buy their dinner too. Since we were already at Beyond Bread, that's what we got... we were catching the bus from there, so we couldn't drive through any place. The bus cost $9.00 for the 3 of us. I spent the rest of my spending, grocery, and $10 of my gas money on the sandwiches and bus. Right now all I have in my envelopes is $10 for gas which I need to use today. The good news is I'm halfway through the month, I get paid tonight and still have $30 for groceries, $10 for restaurants, $20 for gas, and $20 for spending coming out of this paycheck. I just might make it on what I budgeted. Probably I will have to adjust it, especially for groceries, but overall I think things are going pretty good for my first month of my first attempt at a budget. If I get the sub pay I am expecting, my paycheck should be quite a bit larger than normal, so I can fit the adjustments in and then put whatever is left toward my emergency fund.
Ramsey says that if you make $20,000 a year or less, you should have $500 in your emergency fund. Otherwise put $1,000. Last year I made somewhere around $33,000. I wonder if I should stop my emergency fund at $750 or so since I am not making that much more than what he considers very low wages.

Also

I had to buy ground coffee instead of beans. I'm really pissed about it.

Patience!

This whole process is going to take a long time and I will have to be patient. At some point I hope I will stop feeling the need to check my account balances almost every day. I should only need to spend time on my finances twice a month, when I get paid.
One of my B of A accounts does not qualify for my debt reduction program because the balance on the account is less than $500. Stupid!
My laptop is seriously on its last legs. It's going to give out and I will be unhappy. I will feel deprived and I might get desperate and crazy and do whatever it takes to get a new mac.
My FSA debit card finally came so I don't have to front cash for my prescriptions for a while.
My cash is going fine so far. I didn't budget enough for groceries though. I have about $50 for the rest of the month and it's only the 9th!

2 things

First, it is really difficult to adjust to this cash thing. I had no idea. On my cash flow sheet, I will have about $50 in my bank account from tomorrow until my next paycheck on the 14th. When I look at it, I have instant anxiety. Nearly 2 weeks without any money?? How will I manage? I have to remind myself that I have cash in envelopes for all the things I will need between now and then. My gas, groceries, restaurants, and misc envelopes all have sufficient money in them (I think) to get me through the next 2 weeks. Total change of mentality! It's going to take some getting used to. I worry that I will forget about the cash and use my debit card. I think I will put the debit card into a pocket in my wallet so that if I go to use it, it won't be there and I will remember to use the cash.
Second, I am spending a LOT of time on this. I'm pretty sure that after a few months, it won't take so much effort to make sure I have everything in order. I just don't see myself devoting the time that is necessary to keep it all straight after I start work again tomorrow. Typically I am so tired when I get home that I really don't do anything except eat dinner and watch TV for 3 hours or so before I go to bed. We'll see what happens. If everything goes according to plan, I won't have to do anything for the next 2 weeks, until I get paid again.

Right on schedule.

My paycheck was bigger than expected because my salary increase for my master's degree finally went through. Yay! I hadn't taken that into account. So my paycheck is $100 bigger! Everything else is going exactly as scheduled. When I go on the ACCC website, it looks like none of my creditors have accepted my payment plan. I'm not sure what will happen with that.
I am withdrawing cash today to put in my envelopes for the first time. I'm struggling with how to make the budget mix with the cash flow. In other words I can't withdraw all my cash at the same time, so how will I keep track of how much to put in each envelope the 2nd time I withdraw? I'm sure I can figure it out but it is kind of nerve wracking to try to look at the numbers when I feel like I am speculating. Just adjusting to keeping a budget I guess. I should re-read the TMM chapter on budgeting.

A little relief

Some good things happening the past few days. Before the first CCCS transfer, which will freeze my credit card accounts, I cashed in my reward points. I got a $25 target card. This means I can finally get some groceries. I haven't been starving, don't get me wrong, but I haven't had the things I normally eat. No cheese, no milk, no cereal. So the Target down the street has groceries and that's where I am headed today. If I am careful I should be able to get everything I need, plus stuff for Christmas dinner tonight with my kids. Yay! Then, I finally got reimbursed for my medical expenses, from my FSA. The debit card never came, so I had been paying for my medical since the account started in August. I got a substantial deposit into my checking account so I immediately made payments to the one remaining credit card that was past due, and my student loans which were past due. Now I am current on everything. CCCS told me that if I was current when the program went into effect, the credit card companies might reverse the late fees and such that they had been charging me the past month especially since it's the first time I have been past due. I really hope that's true but I doubt it. I do believe it's better for my credit in the long run if I am current when the program begins, and also the TMM book says that getting current is the very first thing I should do.
If there is any extra in my budget from this point forward, it will go toward the $650 I still need for my emergency fund. Then, I can finally begin the debt snowball. I am giving up the bankruptcy idea for now, but it's always an option if I find that I can't do the debt snowball because I just don't have enough money.
I got my hair done with my Christmas money which was so nice. I will have some extra pay in the middle of January for the days I subbed during my planning period. I will have one Pima paycheck and it will be just a tiny bit bigger than normal because of parent orientation night on January 5th. Somehow, some way, this program seems to be working.

It's tough!

Not spending money is hard. Also: It sucks. I just keep telling myself that it's only temporary. Eventually I will get rid of this debt and be able to live within my means. Because I will teach myself how. However, the debt is really in my way and I am seriously considering filing for bankruptcy. I am going to talk to a lawyer this week. I may even qualify for chapter 7, but I can't afford to have my car taken away... so we'll see. I was resistant to the idea of having my debt discharged, because I think if I spent the money, I need to repay it. However, I was not taking the reality of the situation into account. The reality is that over the last 12 years or so, since I began building this debt, I have probably repaid the actual amount I spent, more than once. Once that thought occurred to me, the guilt about having the debt discharged vanished. There are plenty of people working for those companies that are rich off of my sheer desperation to survive on a teacher's salary. Screw 'em. With all the late fees, interest fees, and other fees, at least half the balance is theirs anyway.
At any rate, I have not spent a dime except a coffee, soda, and snack at the airport. I wasn't really thinking about the fact that you can't take anything past the security in the airport. So I spent about $9.00.

The restraint kinda burns

So my cash flow sheet says I will have $4.00 left tomorrow when my car payment comes out. I've been staying home, not spending a cent for days now. Yesterday I got a $75.00 Amazon gift certificate, and expect another one today. Those are for some U of A research I took part in. I want to just spend that money so bad, but I'm trying to save it for when I actually need something. I will allow myself some books for my kindle. I have been wanting to go out to sing Karaoke and drink beer really bad! But I haven't done it. I think all this financial restraint might be a good part of why I am eating like a hog. The self-indulgence has to come out somewhere.

Got a grip.

I transferred money back into my checking from my savings to cover the car payment. Then I started a cash flow worksheet, which is part of the budget plan in TMM. I hadn't started it yet... I really didn't get why it was necessary. Yesterday I listened to the budgeting lesson on CD, and Ramsey emphasizes that it will take about 3 months of writing a budget and keeping a cash flow sheet before it will become a smoother process. So I should expect to screw up regularly, and adjust, adjust, adjust. This is one of those times when I am profoundly thankful that I don't have a spouse to complicate things. I bring in what I bring in, and I am in charge of all the decisions. I do think that Vince will want to follow the TMM plan at some point, if he sees that it's really working for me. That is of course assuming he starts paying what he is supposed to pay and we stay together. I am depending on his share of the money when I get back from CO to balance my cash flow sheet. I will need grocery and gas money as well as the rest of the $400 to make the CCCS payment.
In other news, I finished my christmas shopping yesterday. I used remnants of gift cards and Bookman's credit for almost everything. I spent less than $10.00 and got some really great stuff. I'm leaving for CO the day after tomorrow and I am insanely excited! For now, all is right with the financial world.

bad math

I got myself into trouble again. I got paid yesterday. The first thing I did was go to the capital one website and pay that bill. It was just over $200. Then, I went to the B of A website and paid other bills. I used my available balance to decide how many bills to pay. I somehow glossed over the fact that my available balance would be lower once the capital one money came out. (I usually pay the capital one bill from the bank website, instead of the other way around.) So now, there is not enough money to cover my car payment. It's too late to cancel the payment without a fee. On top of that I didn't get a Pima paycheck. The car payment comes out on the 23rd. I put $400 in savings to make sure I have enough for the automatic overdraft of $400 by CCCS on January 3rd. So I'm in the negative.

payday

I got my paycheck, which was $165 bigger because of the furlough hours I made up. I am now current on everything including utilities, credit cards, and car payment. The only thing I am not current on is my student loans. If I get the Pima paycheck then I can make a payment on that debt, but probably not enough to get current. I applied for an income-sensitive payment but I haven't got an answer yet. I also put away the $400 I will need on January 2nd for my first payment to CCCS. Now the calls from Capital One will finally stop. It's been averaging 2 to 10 calls a day, starting about 8 a.m. and ending about 8 p.m. for the last 6 weeks or so.
I tried to listen to the 2nd CD in the series of Financial Peace University or whatever it's called. It is about money and relationships. I had to turn it off after about 5 minutes. I will just skip that one... it's not relevant to me anyway. In the first 5 minutes of the lesson, Ramsey quotes John Gray, the bible, Stephen Covey, and Rick Warren. It is all about how women and men think differently about money, and how your wife won't be pretty unless she has financial security. He says, out loud, that if the man has the finances in order, the woman will be prettier because she isn't stressed out about money, and her face won't scrunch up like this (insert some visual aid that thank GODDESS I couldn't see because it's an audio CD). Ramsey is a card-carrying charter member of the good ol' boys club. When he is talking about things that can't be gender specific, like how to actually save and budget money, then he is bearable to listen to. His problem, of course, is genderizing everything. Maybe when I get done with this program, and I have learned how to budget and save and give appropriately, I will write my own book and go on my own tour, giving classes about how to build a secure financial future. Except I won't genderize it. Well, maybe I will... maybe I'll only let single women come in to my classes. Maybe I will say my program is specifically for single women, kids or no kids. Because the last thing we need to hear about is a program that assumes we have a man, and that we are dependent on that man to help us make the right decisions. And Ramsey includes all this sexist bullshit in his lessons, despite the fact that almost every story featured in the book has the man being responsible for getting the couple into all that debt in the first place, because he was the one that "took care of the finances."
Psh. Ramsey has a lot of good ideas about money, but what a tool.

more gold

I dug through my jewelry box again and found a little more gold. I got $70 and this time I shopped a bit for the best deal. One store was willing to give me twice as much, but as store credit. Not helpful.
Bottom line, I have $350 in my emergency fund. WOOHOO!! I did go to Rubio's in the mall and eat fish tacos. I felt terribly guilty about spending that $7. Also bought milk and got more cash to pay off my lunch balance at the school cafeteria - it was bigger than I thought!!
I am listening to the Financial University lessons (lessons by Dave Ramsey based on the book) and he just describes my spending habits to a T. Sometimes all I can do is laugh because he is so logical about it and I am seeing clearly for the first time just how ridiculous my thinking was!! And how I SO bought in to the financial machine of the banks and credit cards! Pure folly. The worst part is I was about to pass that thinking on to my daughters!! I told them, forget what I said about needing a credit card to build your credit. Don't do it. There are other, better ways to qualify for a mortgage, and that is the only thing you should ever have on credit. Everything else should be bought in cash, after you have saved the money. I hope they listen.
So I am wracking my brain trying to think of more things to sell. I have quite a bit of credit at Bookman's (used book store and boutique) so today I am going to try to finish my Christmas shopping there.
I have to say I am still sickened by the people Ramsey chose to highlight in the book. Their stories are so white picket fence. The vast majority of the wives are "home makers" or "stay at home moms." One of the husbands made a HUGE deal out of selling his wife's car. This is what he says: "... and then I committed what some people would consider the ultimate sin: I sold my wife's BMW." I can't articulate what it is about the statement that bothers me so. Another husband who is an eBay store owner (whatever) has a wife who is a pharmacist. She clearly is the breadwinner in the family. This is part of his storytelling: "The 35 months working on the debt snowball was the hardest part, but we never wavered. Yes, we had visits from Murphy - having a baby plus Amanda's back surgery and other emergencies, to name a few - but we did it!" He thinks having a baby happened because of Murphy's Law - "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong." That is some fucked up reasoning, and saying it out loud where your child may someday read it is disgusting.
That same guy also says, "We sold our brand-new Jeep Liberty (and Amanda really loved that car) and bought a gently used 1991 model. Amanda took on an extra shift at work, and I took over extra tasks around the house to compensate." How big of him... she works herself to death and misses time with her baby and his repayment is doing the dishes. What a fucker.
Anyway, there are plenty of inspiring stories in the book that I can relate to and don't sound like that. And reading the book has inspired me to save money instead of spending it, which is huge for me. I'm excited to pay bills tonight... WEIRD!!!

Gold

Yesterday I went to a jewelry store and sold all of the gold jewelry that I have been dragging around for years and never wear. I was shocked as hell when I got $700 for it. Bam! $280 in my emergency fund. I am more than a quarter of the way there!! I kept $20 to pay for my prescription and my lunch bill at my school. I paid my cell phone, electric, and cable bills. I bought $15 worth of groceries and I'm left with $25 in my checking account. I get paid tonight - my salary and hopefully my second job at PCC. Also I get a small check for the furlough hours I managed to earn before the 10th of December. I think I will be able to get my credit cards close to current. I have to make sure I have $400 in my account at the end of the month for my credit card consolidation auto withdrawal. My christmas present from Marianne is that I won't have to spend any money in CO other than my plane ticket.
It's the first time in my adult life that I have come across some kind of financial windfall and didn't immediately spend the money on things I "needed" - like clothes, expensive food, eating out, and entertainment. I got the $280 in cash and hid it in my closet. TMM says to put it in a place where you won't have easy access to it. These days with my savings account linked to my checking and free transfers online, my savings account is not a safe place. I wrapped it up and put it in a place where I will have to go to a little bit of trouble to dig it out.
I never would have thought of selling the gold if I hadn't read the book. I'm so excited about having started my emergency fund!! I'm being responsible!!

Saving

So, last night I read a part of TMM that featured a single mother of two. She had reached her goal of saving a $500 emergency fund. It didn't say how long it took her, and I really wish it had. The book says that if you make more than $20,000 a year, you should be able to save your $1,000 emergency fund in about a month. It says to do whatever you have to do. Work another job (should I find a third?), sell things (I've already sold everything of any value), if you already have $1,000 in anything other than retirement savings, take it out (HA!). go crazy wringing and twisting out the budget and get crazy. I'm kinda stumped. For now I'll just keep on with the budget. I am supposed to use envelopes of cash for food, gas and oil, repairs and tires, clothing, toiletries/cosmetics/hair care, and spending money. I can't start that since I don't have any cash. Maybe next month. In the mean time, these are the things I am committed to changing so far:
Stop wearing makeup except on special occasions
Use milk and sugar in my coffee instead of the bottled creamer
Clip coupons religiously
Give up my Cottonelle toilet paper and use whatever is the best value
Fast food twice a month and no more
Give up my smart phone and go back to regular cell phone (if I can)
Scrimp on electricity and water

Total Money Makeover

I got the book "Total Money Makeover" (TMM) from Mom and I am going to give it a try. When I called a credit counseling firm to get them to negotiate lower interest rates and a single payment, the guy's advice was to file chapter 13 bankruptcy. I wanted to try this first, so we'll see how it works. I'm going to keep track of my progress here. I know from past experience that seeing my progress in black and white is crucial for me to keep moving forward in my goals.
The book features success stories of people who have followed the system and got out of debt in record time. I don't buy all of it... for instance how can a couple pay $15,000 toward their debt in 5 months when their yearly income is a teacher's salary of $40,000? There are no success stories of single mothers. There don't seem to be any people who currently cannot meet expenses. If Vince gives me the money he agreed to pay, it looks like I will be able to meet expenses. So far he isn't holding up his end of the deal.
My first step towards the TMM is to make a budget and stick to it. Yesterday I looked through my bank statement and wrote down everything I have spent and what it was for. I categorized everything. Ramsey put a bunch of budgeting forms in the back of the book and I am using a modified version. I am going to put it into an excel worksheet.
My next step is to save $1,000. Frankly I just don't see how this is possible. But right now I'll just focus on the budget.

Bank of America

I was in my local B of A branch today, separating my kids' accounts from mine since they are no longer minor children. Independence day! While I was there, I noticed the print advertisements hanging on the walls. They said things like, "Avoid overdraft fees. I can help!" And, ""Buy your first home. I can help!" They featured pictures of B of A employees, looking up at the camera with arms crossed and big smiles.
What I noticed was that of the four posters I saw, three featured women and one featured a man. All were light-skinned. The most curious (and foolishly patriarchal) thing about the posters was that in the poster featuring the man, he was centered in the poster and his image was quite large. The lettering went across his body, and his face was the most prominent part of the poster. In the three others, featuring women, their images were off to the left-hand side of the poster. Their images were much smaller, and the lettering was bigger across the top and in the middle of the page. The writing was the most prominent part of the poster.
Do you suppose they used focus groups?

Survival Within the Patriarchy

I got pulled over yesterday for the first time in many years.
The fair opened, and it's off the same freeway exit that I use to get home. Traffic was backed up for a mile to get to the exit, because even though that's where the fair is, there is still just the one exit lane after all these years. Anyway, I had my daughter's play to get to, so I wasn't going to wait in that line. I thought I would go to the next exit, but then I saw one of those median strips where they cops hang out. I decided to use that to turn around. A few seconds after I pulled into the median, I saw another car coming up beside me. "What an idiot!" I thought, and then I saw it was a cop. Ha! Now who's the idiot?
I immediately put on my "stupid female" hat. He gestures with his arms and shoulders to say, "What the hell are you doing?" I got out of the car and he got out of the car. He said, "You can't be in here!" I said, "I know but I didn't realize the backup was for Houghton and I went past my exit, and I just panicked but now I don't know how I am going to get out of here because the traffic coming the other way is going too fast!" He just looked at me. I said, "Do you want to give me a ticket?" He said, "Well, yeah!" I said, "Ok." He just looked at me again and then asked for my driver's license. I got it for him and then asked if he needed my insurance and registration paperwork. He said no, so I knew I was off the hook. He wrote down some stuff and I got back into my car, rolled down the window and put my seat belt back on. He told me he wasn't writing me a ticket, but a warning and I was not to do this anymore! I said I won't. Then he quickly stepped over and handed me my license, saying, "Now I have to go because there is a crash. Drive safe." He ran off without even giving me the warning, safe in the knowledge that he had rescued me from my own stupidity.
As long as it's an act.
I'm not sure it's hypocrisy as much as it is survival within the patriarchy.

Not going well.

It's a horrible thing to start the day with so much hate in my heart, so I am going to vent on my blog and hope like hell that gets it out of my system. It's so hard to be a patient, kind, and loving teacher when I feel like beating someone to a pulp.
I got my tax refund today, less the $900 I owed the IRS from a $400 mistake two years ago. After the penalties, interest, back-interest, etc. the $400 mistake ended up costing me more than $1,050.00. I have been making $50.00 payments since last summer, but the interest rate was so high that my payments barely made a dent. So, they took the balance out of my refund.
It is just so wrong. I haven't heard a single thing about the IRS cutting jobs. Those employees sit there in their recession proof offices and take money from people like me. They add as many penalties and fees to the debt as they possibly can. It is their JOB to squeeze as much money they can from my meager earnings. I don't know how they live with themselves. How do you justify spending your days taking money away from single parents who teach for a living? How can you possibly live with yourself, when your job as a tax collector is more valuable to our society than my job as a math teacher? I seriously think they are all in danger of burning in hell. They could be spending their time on the ENRON people of the country instead of near-poverty-level teachers. They could be working to close the loopholes that prevent G.W. Bush from paying less taxes, percentage wise, than I do. Oh, but he surely needs the money more than me.
It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I need that money to put away for this summer, when I will most likely be unemployed and looking for a job, once again. Today I am not proud to be an american.

Wednesday Bitchery

There are lots of really great things happening right now and only one not-so-great thing. Since it's still Wednesday, I can get some bitchery in! I have bronchitis. I have been sick for two freaking weeks. My lungs feel like they are on FIRE. So, I am taking tomorrow off work and staying in bed. all. day.

It's that time of year...

I dread this time every year. It's my least favorite week on the school calendar... third quarter parent conferences. Time to start thinking about who will be retained. Time to meet with parents who haven't been doing their jobs for years, and kids who haven't cared about their grades in years, and make them pay the piper. Ah, the wailing and gnashing of teeth! The excuses, the cop-outs, the laying of blame! In the end, it always comes out the same. I wish we could just cut to the chase. This is how it should go:

Teacher: You and your kid need to get it together or your kid is going to come back for another year.
Parent: Why is this the first I am hearing about this?
Teacher: It's not.
Parent: Why didn't anyone call me if little Johnny wasn't turning in homework?
Teacher: First, that isn't my job, and second, I did.
Parent, to child: Why aren't you doing your work?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Ok, so it looks like we're finished here. You have one shot: quit being a dumbass and buckle down for the next three months, and then we'll promote you because you are too big and we don't want you driving yourself to middle school. See ya.

Badda bing, badda boom. 3 minutes, we're done. Why the histrionics? Why the multiple opportunities for laying the blame elsewhere?
This is the week I hate my job.

Miss America!

Several people I know, one of which is a woman that I respect, is actually watching this annual misogynistic display of female stereotypical "desirable" traits. I want to tell her what I think. But I am not going to, because I think it would be unnecessary criticism.

I hate when I'm wrong.

The ultrasound on my thyroid gland came back normal, they said. It seems to me that the left side is still bigger than the right, even though my neck stopped hurting and the popping/clicking thing stopped happening. I am feeling better - I have been able to get out there and run again, although it still doesn't feel good like it used to. My muscles are fatigued after 2 miles, instead of energized. Maybe I didn't give myself enough time off after the half marathon.
At any rate, the doctor told me to keep a food diary, and even though it pissed me off, I did it. Then I found out that you can keep an electronic food diary on CalorieKing.com, and click on the foods you ate and it will count your calories for you. It also keeps track of what categories your calories fall into, your nutrients, and such. There is a fantastic bronze-to-gold medal type thing where you have to actually list your motivations and barriers, and sit and think about what you can do to make your motivators more powerful and your barriers less destructive. But I digress. You can get charts and graphs on this site as well, and what I saw was a bracing and sobering reality check. I eat too much food.
The three days after the half marathon, for example, my caloric intake was well over 3,000 per day. That's enough for a 300-lb woman to maintain her weight. The days before the half marathon, when I was not running because I was too tired or didn't feel well, and just trying to get through the day, my caloric intake is usually around 2,500. That's enough for a 250-lb woman to maintain her weight.
Could it be that I am actually tired because I'm fat, instead of being fat because I'm tired? Now, I'm not convinced that I am completely healthy. The low body temperatures, clumsiness, forgetfulness, and general fuzziness are very concerning to me. Those are not in my head. But if my bloodwork comes back normal, I am going to have to face the reality that I am over 40 and this is going to be my life. In that case, I really will have to increase my anti-depressant, because this is no life. At this moment, I have a burn from when I was cooking tortillas and set my arm down on the edge of the frying pan; and a 2-inch by 1/2-inch bruise on my arm in the exact shape of the side mirror on Jessica's car, from when I was walking towards the car and lifting my arm to avoid the mirror, but didn't quite make it. These are the injuries from last week alone. I trip, and lose my balance, and can't remember where I put things; I start to put the milk in my bedroom, and my eyeglasses in the fridge. I'm really scared that this might be my life. Twice last week I forgot to eat breakfast, which means I forgot to take my medications. Then I forgot to replace the extra one-day dose of meds that I keep in my purse, so the 2nd time I had to go home during my planning period to eat and take my meds.
So I am going back to the doc, to ask her to do bloodwork. I will tell her about the food diary and my realizations about my eating habits, and that I joined the website and will be keeping track of my progress and actively monitoring my eating and exercise. I will also tell her about what my life is like right now. Then I have about a week in between that and my next shrink appointment, so that if my bloodwork comes back normal I can talk to him about the situation and see what he thinks.
I really am scared.

You know what I think?

I think that doctors in general don't believe me when I say that I am a distance run/walker. I think that when I say I have done or am training for a half-marathon, they automatically filter that information out and decide I am full of it. After all, 220-lb women have no business talking about things like "race weight" and "training" and "long run." If they did, they wouldn't be 220 lbs, obviously.
So yesterday at my doctor's office, when I finished describing the difficulties I was having with my training, telling her that the half-marathon was this Sunday and I was kind of in a panic, she completely ignored that part of the discussion. She didn't give me any advice about whether or not it would be ok to try to complete the race. In fact, we didn't discuss my training at all. She treated me as if I were a regular old fat lady coming to complain about being tired and feeling achy, and advised me to exercise four times a week.
I'm sort of beside myself about this. By the end of the appointment I was battling with myself about whether or not it was going to be productive to tell her that she wasn't listening to me. In the end, I just decided to pay my co-pay and leave. I'll get the ultrasound on my thyroid and if it is enlarged, I will ask for a referral to an endocrinologist. I am certainly not going to leave that doctor in charge of my general well-being. Although I don't have any reason to think that an endocrinologist is more likely to believe that I am a distance runner/walker.

Wednesday Bitchery

I went to the doctor today for some pain I am having near my throat... not in my throat, but next to it. I am also tired beyond all reason, and fuzzy-headed, and just not functioning well. This has been going on for about a week. She looked up my chart because she doesn't know who I am (I don't see her very often, because I am healthy) and noticed that I have gained 15 pounds since I was last there. She felt my neck and then noticed the left side of my thyroid gland appears to be enlarged. So she ordered an ultrasound of my thyroid. I told her that the last time I had been in was last May because my parotid gland was infected after my first half-marathon. I told her I had been training for the PF Chang's this weekend, and that I hadn't run in a week and a half because I am too tired to get myself out there. I told her I had reached the 8-mile point in my training, at which point she said I might be overdoing it. She then proceeded to give me the following suggestions:
1. Exercise 4 times a week
2. Read and follow the diet tips she wrote herself (she used to be a size 12, holy cellulite, batman!)
3. Keep a food diary and bring it to my next visit
4. Talk to my shrink about increasing my dose of anti-depressant
5. See a personal trainer and/or start strength training in addition to cardio
Who the hell is the lunatic here? I went in there for pain next to my throat... I complained that I haven't been able to train for my HALF MARATHON in a week and a half because of the headaches and general malaise... we went over the fact that this would be my SECOND HALF MARATHON... so she notices my thyroid is swollen and then talks about my FOOD? And suggests I exercise 4 days a week for 30 minutes, when I just got done telling her I couldn't TRAIN?
Whatever.

The Pressure!!!

Yesterday I returned to somewhat of a hurricane at work. Three teachers are "no longer with us" - 2 of whom I knew weren't coming back, but another that was a complete surprise. The long-term sub across the hall from me, who was the 4th teacher to attempt to teach 7th and 8th grade science in that room, has been told that she is no longer needed. Then, one of the 6th grade math/science teachers moved in to that room?! In the middle of the school day?! The kids didn't do a lick of anything in that classroom. They just watched the sub reading a book and the 6th grade teacher moving in. The principal came into my room once, and then one of the assistant principals came in twice. The AP asked me why my boards weren't done (we have a host of things we are required to write on the board every day) and I said it was because I was going over test scores. Then she asked for my lesson plans and I told her I hadn't printed them out. (Really, I just hadn't done them.) So she asked what time I wanted her to come back! And what she meant was, GET IT DONE. NOW. So I got it done and she came back and I think everything is OK.
It was a shame because I was calling students up one at a time and talking about their test scores with them. I was showing them how they did on the second benchmark compared to the first, and then telling them exactly how far away they were from moving up to the next level. The kids were very responsive and many of them had a lot to be proud of. The thing that bothers me is that this wasn't something the administration could get behind. They don't care what is actually happening in my classroom... they just want the boards filled out and the lesson plans in the pocket where they are expected to be.
It's horribly disconcerting when teachers just appear and disappear like that. Especially when one is on a temporary contract. The hurricane stems from the fact that we have a "solutions team" coming this week. This is a group of people selected by the state to come in and see what our school is doing in order to make adequate yearly progress on our AIMS so we aren't a failing school anymore. Apparently things will be happening rather quickly following the "solution team's" solutions. Decisions will be made about who is staying and who is leaving, even amongst the administration.
So I'm feeling a little bit stressed... but I am just going to keep my head down and do what I do best, which is teach. We're doing some really fun stuff in 8th grade right now.

Colorado

Things I have learned about Denver so far:
1. There is quite a bit of traffic.
2. You can't drive on the 16th street mall.
3. The word "park" can be used to describe a strip of grass in front of a row of buildings.
4. The people are generally better looking and better dressed here than in Tucson.
5. It is important to have a south-facing house.

Goals

My students and I have been talking about goals. Before each benchmark test, the school wants us to sit with each student and have them set a goal for their next test score. The process of setting goals comes naturally to me because I was raised in a household where people set, and met, their goals regularly. Mom and Dad were always aiming toward something, and most of the time they got there. When they didn't, we learned about how to overcome adversity. It's part of our culture. My students, however, have a different experience. For their parents, a goal is having enough food to put on the table, or being able to take a day off from all three jobs at the same time. For these kids, setting goals has no meaning. They don't understand why the school wants them to say they want to do better on the next test. Of course they want to do better on the next test. What a stupid thing to have to do. They are missing a crucial element of setting goals, which is outlining what steps are necessary in order to meet the goals. They don't understand the fundamental concept that effort = achievement.
When I talked with my kids about their goals, I noticed that they were aiming for the moon. They all want to exceed, they say they will go to tutoring every single day and do homework every single night. They will study! They will pay attention in class! They will, in short, be perfect. They are saying what they think I want to hear. So, we started from scratch.
I shared my goal of a half marathon in January. I talked about the steps I would take to meet my goal. I asked if they thought I could do it... most of them said no. I showed them my medal from my last half marathon, and they were shocked... I said, I know I can do this because I already did it once. But that doesn't mean I have to work any less hard the second time.
Then we talked about adversity. I face some adversity... my weight, the weather, inertia, etc. We talked about what kinds of adversity they face when it comes to doing homework and studying. They don't have anyone to help them when they get stuck. There are a lot of more fun (read: illegal) things to do with their friends. They have to watch their little brothers/sisters/neices/nephews/cousins, etc. We talked about how there is no magic goal fairy that can make their dreams come true. If they meet their goals, it is because they worked their butts off to get there - just like if I meet my goal, it's because I worked my butt off to get there.
We all wrote down our goals. I wrote my goal on a corner of the white board. They wrote theirs down on paper. I collected the papers, and typed up the goals (so that nobody would know whose was whose) and hung them up on the bulletin board. We look at our goals every single day and think about whether we are taking the steps we need to take in order to meet them.
Then I made a deal with them. On days when I do my running, they are expected to do their homework. But if I skip my run, then I do not assign homework. They were all for it! I don't think they believed that I would do my part. I set aside a corner of the white board and every morning I write how far I went. Sharing my goal with my students was the best thing that has ever happened to my teaching, and my training. Every morning, some of those kids look at that white board first thing. Most of the time, they are surprised to see a number there. They always ask questions. How did it go? Was it hard? They encourage me. Miss, I can't believe you go every day! Miss, aren't you excited for your half marathon? Yesterday (every period, all day long) it went like this:

Miss, you ran this morning?
Yes, I did.
Does that mean we have homework?
No, it's benchmark testing week. You don't have homework.
Then why did you go?
Because I still want to meet my goal. Just because you guys are testing, that doesn't mean my half marathon isn't happening.
But wasn't it cold?
Yes, it was freezing. And the wind was blowing really hard.
Miss, what time do you have to get up to run?
I get up at 4:30.
WHY????
Because I want to meet my goal.

These are all different kids asking questions, so it's like a group discussion. They are so interested, it's really funny!
But yesterday, I had a really great opportunity to talk to one of my kids who struggles with math. After the discussion above, this is how it went:

But miss, I'm just not good with math. It's too hard. I've never been good at it.
Do you think I'm good at running?
No.
Do you think it's easy for me?
No.
Does that mean I can't do it?
(pause) No.
I can do it because I try. Just because something is hard for you, that doesn't mean you can't do it. It just means you have to work a little harder than other people. If you are determined, then you can do it.
But miss, I hate math.
Well, do you think I like running?
No. (Ok, a white lie.)
Do I do it anyway?
Yes.
Why?
Because you have a goal.
Right. Do you have a goal?
Yes.
Do you want to meet that goal?
Yes.
Then you need to be determined. You can do it, even if you don't like it and you don't think you are good at it. You can still do it.

He looked very pensive and kind of unhappy, so I'm pretty sure he was really listening and absorbing the concept of effort being directly related to achievement. I can literally SEE the difference in their work ethic ever since we had that talk about goals. I am getting WAY more homework handed in. Their grades are actually coming up.

Well, today is the big day - the math benchmark test. They are ready. I went to the store and bought fruit, pop tarts, granola bars, fruit snacks, popcorn, gum, OJ, and animal crackers. I told every one of them that if they are hungry when they get to school, they must come and get something to eat. I really shouldn't have spent that money but I could not help myself. The bills can kiss my ass. I have students to worry about. I'll buy fewer souvenirs in Denver. I'll figure it out. The kids might be hungry the rest of the year but dammit, they will be full for this test! Oh, it's so selfish. But I want them to see that they can do it. I'll do whatever it takes to get them there.

Wish us luck!

Ginger attacks??

This article makes me want to cry! I had not heard about the South Park episode where Cartman decides that redheads are genetically defective, evil beings and must be eradicated. He starts "Annual Kick a Ginger Day" and of course the cartoon leads to this stuff actually happening!

It's all down hill from here.

This is probably way TMI so read at your own peril.
The other day I sneezed, and lost control of my bladder a little bit. Not a big deal, as I was wearing a liner, but I was sufficiently horrified that I decided to exercise those bladder muscles, or whatever they are. So, every time I pee, I stop the flow and count to five, and do that five times. So yesterday I was in the staff bathroom, thinking I was alone in there. I did my thing, go, stop, go, stop, etc. When I was washing my hands, all of a sudden I hear somebody cough! I finished up and ran back to my classroom so that person wouldn't find out who I was. I wonder if they saw my shoes and knew anyway.

Good.

It's about damn time. The lousy AZ legislature has finally done something in support of the education reform we so desperately need. Seniority is no longer the deciding factor when it comes to who gets to stay and who gets a pink slip. Of course, the teacher's union is up in arms, saying that legislators who voted for this are not supporting public education. I beg to differ. Arizona's education policy has been the very definition of insanity for too long. Keep doing the same thing we've been doing, and expect better test scores. Keep doing the same thing we've been doing, and expect teachers to do their best to teach our kids. The human race has a tendency to opt for the most energy-conserving option. It is part of our evolution. When given the choice while teaching geometry to have a room full of kids sit quietly and work out of the textbook, or give them all rubber bands and geoboards for an activity, guess what most teachers choose? You got it. Guess which option is better for the students? You got it.
Finally, a teacher's pay will be based on how well they teach, not how long they have been teaching. Teachers should be held to the same standards, if not higher, than those of the rest of the workforce. Do a good job, get more money. Do a fair job, get to keep your job. Do a lousy job, go find another job.
I have to blog about it because I don't dare speak my opinion at work.

On the other hand...

Question: What makes a 200-lb woman finish a half marathon?
Answer: Sheer force of will.
I posted about will power, because I thought the article was interesting. Upon further reflection, I understand that I am still thinking that my problem with food is about will power. I am living proof that it isn't. If it was about simple determination, I would be at the weight my inner idiot thinks I should be. It just isn't about that. It is about a whole lot of other things that I am convinced science doesn't know about yet.
One of my co-workers had remarked on my grape powerade zero bottle at lunchtime yesterday, and asked me if it tasted good. I told her I was re-using the bottle so really it was diet cran-grape, but yes the powerade tastes good! Then my inner idiot felt the need to justify the fact that I was drinking powerade to begin with. I stopped myself before I started justifying, and instead I said, "You know, I need to drink that stuff after I run, so that my blood pressure stays up. I just still have a hard time thinking of myself as an athlete, even though I have done a half marathon." She gave me kind of a dumbfounded look, and said, "Yeah, you have to be really fit to be able to do that. I'm pretty sure you are an athlete." We both smiled and then went on with the conversation. But that was a really great, enlightening moment for me. Not because I didn't already know that stuff, and hadn't had that conversation before, with myself and with other people. That moment was different because I felt a sense of acceptance about the fact that I am an athlete.
I do find it curious that acceptance of this fact should be so difficult. I don't have a hard time calling myself a mathematician, because I do math all day, and who cares if it's at the middle school level. I don't hesitate to call myself a liberal, even in a room full of conservatives. It's about how I look at myself, not how I perceive the rest of the world sees me.
So in my world, why shouldn't it be possible that I am both "overweight" and and athlete? I'm really not even sure I am overweight. I think I am my weight. And, I'm an athlete.

you CAN improve your willpower!!

...or so says Discover Magazine. There was an article in a recent issue about willpower and how there is a mental reserve of something that helps you set aside energy for other tasks, like finding something else to do besides eat halloween candy. It's the same energy, according to them, that is responsible for willpower. The trick is to do things that require effort of will, like brushing your teeth or eating with your non-dominant hand. So, if this is true, then with practice you can become better at resisting your vices.

Misc and sundry

Wow, I haven't posted since September! Not that it matters - I think this is more of a diary than a blog. And, I have mostly been posting on my training blog.
I am planning our Christmas trip to Colorado. I typed up our itinerary, bought tickets, and reserved motel rooms yesterday. So far, this is what we are doing:

Saturday, December 19th
9:00 a.m. Departure for Truth or Consequences, NM
2:00 p.m. Arrival Geronimo Springs Museum
3:00 p.m. Departure for Albuquerque, NM
5:30 Arrival at Ambassador Inn One
6:30 Departure for River of Lights

Sunday, December 20th
10:00 a.m. Departure for Marianne’s House
5:00 p.m. Arrival at Marianne’s House

Monday, December 21st
11 a.m. - 7 p.m. Denver Christkindl Market

Tuesday, December 22nd
1:00 Denver Museum of Nature & Science
Black Holes: The Other Side of Infinity 1:30 p.m.

Wednesday, December 23rd
12:00 p.m. Denver Mint

Thursday, December 24th
Bake Christmas Cookies!

Saturday, December 26th
10:00 a.m. Departure for Albuquerque, NM
7:00 Arrival at Ambassador Inn

Sunday, December 27th
10:00 a.m. Departure for Home

It's a little neurotic, I know, but I planned so many things I had to make sure that I didn't overdo it and didn't plan too many things for one day. So we are stopping at a museum 4 hours or so into the drive. I thought the name of the town Truth or Consequences was so funny, we could not possibly drive by without stopping. That evening, we are having dinner and seeing the River of Lights in Albuquerque. This is a light display at their botanical gardens. It sounds spectacular!
In Denver we're going to do lots of different things. The Christkindl market is the local park dressed up as a German Christmas town. There will be lots of German and other European food and crafty things. It sounds awesome. I am really excited about touring the Denver Mint to see how the coins are stamped out and such. I love traveling! It's a shame we can't do it more often. It's really expensive though.
I am thinking that Marianne and maybe even Chris will have an awful time going to work instead of playing hooky and coming to our adventures with us.

Speaking of traveling, I am applying for a fully funded trip to Costa Rica next summer. It is for teachers and it's sponsored by Toyota. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

It isn't just black people thinking it...

This post really resonated with me this morning. Rep. Wilson's outburst during President Obama's speech really bothered me. The first thing I thought when I read about it on the news was, "This would have NEVER happened to a white president." In her post, Ms. Mitchell says that most African-Americans are thinking that racism is behind Wilson's outburst. It isn't just the African-Americans. There are some of us who know racism when we see it, regardless of the color of our own skin. I'm glad Jimmy Carter said it out loud.

Rat Poop

My new job is to take over for a math teacher that has been moved to an instructional coaching position. She has been in the same classroom for 10 years. Teachers, probably more than in any other occupation, accumulate stuff. Books, manipulatives, posters, calculators, magnets, ... stuff. This particular teacher seems to have had a problem throwing things away. Even broken things. In the classroom there is a tall cupboard with shelves, like a pantry. Today after school I was trying to get it cleaned out. (This teacher keeps telling me she is going to come and move the rest of her stuff, and nothing has moved an inch.) So I started at the top, cleaning out and organizing things. There is a Toshiba laptop with all the cords and a nice bag. There is a broken stereo speaker and a bag of unidentifiable, miscellaneous cords. There are paper bags, grocery bags, gift bags, garbage bags. Napkins, random plastic utensils, a razor blade. You get the idea. It hasn't been cleaned once. I got to the bottom shelf and was digging out paper bags when I got to some that had been chewed. I could actually see the little rat teeth marks. Very cautiously, I knelt down and peered in to discover droppings. I got a paper towel to swipe out the remaining garbage, fully expecting a rat to jump out at me. Fortunately, all I found was two boxes of VHS tapes from roughly 15 years ago, one of which was actually glued to the shelf with rat piss. HANTA VIRUS!!!! my brain is screaming. But I can't stop cleaning it... nobody else is going to do it and now that I know it's there, how can I live with it?? So I sprayed on a LOT of the industrial strength cleaner that was also in the closet, and let it soak. The stains didn't come out.... ugh.

Forced growth

Part of me thinks that all of this is happening because if my daughters and I are not forced to separate, we never will. And that can't be healthy for any of us.

What is wrong with this picture?

I have to get all this out somewhere and I guess that's why I have a blog. I crunched some numbers yesterday and found out that the 7th graders I taught last year showed the biggest single increase over their previous years' scores at that school since the 2004-05 school year. Their scores increased by an average of 16% over their 6th grade scores. And I only had 2 quarters to teach them before the AIMS test. It escapes me how nobody from the district is looking at the data and saying wait, what is happening here? I taught the majority of the 7th graders... I had four very full classes and the other 7th grade math teacher had 3 smaller ones. I am thinking of writing an email to the superintendent asking why I can't get a job in TUSD and why they went out of state to hire highly qualified math teachers, and ignored the one right in their backyard.
Today I sent an email to the entire family outlining my plan for what will happen if I don't have a job by the end of August, which is about a week and a half away. I've been in bed for the last three days. My youngest daughter is vomiting every morning before school. My oldest hasn't smiled in days. I think we're all doing our crying in private... trying to be strong for each other, I guess.
I am trying to count my blessings. I have a supportive family who won't let us be out on the street. We are all healthy. I will be able to get my master's degree even if I don't find a job. The oldest daughter's college is almost completely paid for with scholarships and grants. My credit isn't ruined... yet. There is bound to be something great waiting for us at the end of this long night. So I just keep praying.

Those poor men!!

This is a great article about how the recession is mostly happening to men. A few of the highlights:
-Men dominate the hardest-hit sectors of the workforce during the recession, so more of them are being laid off than women. Boo hoo.
-For the first time in history, women are close to becoming half the workforce. This article says the milemark is bittersweet, but I say no it's not. Women are unemployed too. I would know.
-Even though women are nearly half the workforce, they still make 80 cents on the man's dollar. This lead to a very astute comment on the article stating that all of these previously male-dominated employment sectors are replacing those laid-off men with women whose salaries are 20% lower. It's a win-win for the upper echelon... as always.
The article is good, if too sympathetic to the men. The graph is hilarious, and the comments... well you should just go read it!

Stephanopolous takes down Gingrich

I thought this was definitely the high point of today's This Week. Gingrich is nothing but a hatemonger. He tells lies and spreads rumors, and the only time he gets called on it is when he is foolish enough to appear on a political talk show. You would think resigning in disgrace would be enough to convince him to keep his pie hole shut... but I guess the fact that he doesn't get it is at least good for entertainment value.