The crazy's got me.

The crazy has got me in its evil, evil clutches. Fortunately, I have things to do that will force me out of the house today. I have a list of things to do but yesterday I just laid around feeling sorry for myself. Today I am tutoring the lady who is trying to become a kindergarten teacher, and I am hoping that once I get showered and out of the house, I will feel better and will go ahead and do the things that are on my list.
I think there are a few things contributing to this new and seemingly inevitable trip down depression lane. First, it's never good to have an illness that is dragging on. I have had no voice for the last 8 days. The cough started to go away, and now is coming back, as I knew it would. But I was so prepared this year. I have been writing everything down since day 1. I wrote my symptoms and how much medicine I have been taking, and which kinds. Now when I go see Dr. Min on Monday, I will have been managing by myself for the last 12 days, and he will have to do something. My logic is that if I had gone after the first few days, like everyone was telling me, he would have just sent me home, telling me to take the medicine I was already taking, and see if it would clear up on its own. So I just skipped that step, which would have cost $40 and been completely useless. See? But I think being sick for more than a week or so takes its toll on my mental health.
The second contributing factor is being off work for more than 2 days at a time. It's just never good for me to have too much time on my hands.
The third, and most relevant thing, is that I have got myself in a cycle of blaming myself and feeling sorry for myself because of the fact that I have this disease and it's progressing as I age. When I went to see this guy that does the intensive outpatient therapy, he corrected me when I said that I was bipolar. He said that I am not bipolar, I am not this disease, I HAVE this disease. A diabetic person wouldn't say I am diabetes, they would say I am diabetic. Semantics? I don't know. Anyway, I have a lot of self-hatred going on, and I just keep going back to the fact that this will never go away. I will never be "better." All I can do is manage it, with the help of my support system. Keeping in mind that I am lucky, SO lucky, to have the support system that I have usually helps. But I have even found a way to keep that from helping, by developing this overwhelming fear that the people in my life that comprise my support system will get sick of dealing with me and will abandon me. I am sick of myself. So how can they not get sick of me? I hate being around me. So how can they not hate being around me? I just feel like an asshole.
The fourth and probably most important contributing factor is that I haven't been exercising. Exercise is like a 5th pill that I should be taking every day. I can blame the illness for the past few weeks, but even with the cough I could be taking a walk every day. At least I think that would be ok. (It seems like going outside makes the cough worse, so maybe it wouldn't be ok. On the other hand it might help. Dammit Jim, I'm a teacher, not a doctor!!! hahah!!!)
So I think I really need this outpatient therapy. It just pisses me off that going to this therapy is going to set me back as far as my financial freedom! It pisses me off that I need it, period! I don't want to drive clear across town (it's an hour drive after work to get there, no joke) three times a week! I'm not sure that is a good idea! I will have to either quit my tutoring job or have something to do after work every single night of the week. How can that be a good thing? I do have the option of doing the therapy twice a week instead of three times. The social worker recommended against it, but it's still an option. The cost in gasoline will be huge. I'll have to stop for something to eat every time. I just don't know!!!
I"m seeing Dr. Saeed next weekend, and I'm definitely not in the frame of mind to hurt myself, so don't worry, blog. I recognize the stupid depression for what it is. And I know I will feel better if I do the things that I am supposed to do, one of which is letting my support system know that I am having difficulty. Check. Also keep taking my meds and keeping my mood chart. Check. Get out of the house. Check. So it will be ok. Writing about it helps. Check. It's gonna get better.