My Wishes

I learned how to make the sugar-free creamer! I put 3 cups 1% milk, 1 cup heavy cream, 12 sweet n' low packets, and a dollop of vanilla. It tastes better than the store-bought one. I wonder if there is such thing as caramel extract? Oh!! There is sugar-free caramel syrup! I will try it next time. YUM.
I got my state tax refund just in time to avoid overdrawing my account when my car insurance comes out. I hate this out-of-control feeling. I feel almost like I'm back to square one, but really I'm not because I do have some emergency funds, and I do have a budget that is workable, and when I get my federal return I'll be in good shape. I am afraid that I will go on a shopping binge... especially after this last depression. With my disease, there tends to be an equal and opposite swing for every time I go up or down. If I go into a mania, then there is a good chance I'll spend. But this time might be different because the depression was caused by the change in meds. We'll see what happens. Next week I'll start an intensive outpatient program that is supposed to help me develop skills to better manage my moods on my own, when I find them swinging around. Dr. Saeed says this might help because I am compliant with my treatment and those are the patients that are usually able to learn these new skills. It's called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I don't know, it sounds kind of tree-huggy but if Dr. Saeed says it will help then I will try it.
I have called in sick the last 2 days, and I think my co-teacher is resentful. It doesn't help that our classroom is still 85 degrees. She was taking the classes down to the auditorium and other places to escape the heat, which to me is a very bad idea, but I wasn't there so I can't judge. I just know that change of venue is a really bad idea with my SPED kids because they tend to lose all control of their behavior.
I wish I could tell the people at work how dangerous it is when I am unstable, without fear of stigmatism. People hear the word "bipolar" and they think, oh my god, that person is crazy and is not to be trusted! And that kind of attitude is even worse when you're a teacher. I wish I could make them understand that I am aware of when I am unstable and I know what to do when it happens, and that includes calling in sick because my mood is out of control. I wish I didn't have this disease but wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up. I don't tell them what is wrong. I just say I can't function yet, I need another day. This has happened twice this school year, and both times it took 2 days. It doesn't seem like such a crime to me. Maybe I am paranoid. Scratch that, I KNOW I am paranoid.
But, I do know that I make people mad and I hurt their feelings when I am in the bowels of my disease. I don't know when I'm doing it. It happens when I'm not me. I just see people withdraw from me and I don't even want to ask what I did anymore because it hurts to know I am behaving badly and I can't control it. When I am functioning, my social skills are normal (I think). But when I'm having a hard time, I think they just kind of go away. I lose empathy and I lose the ability to consider others' feelings before I act. At least I think that's what happens. I don't really know. I think people get frustrated because they can talk to me, and I can sort of make sense, and they see that I can talk and communicate and walk around so they don't understand why I can't go to work or go out or behave normally or function socially. How do I explain? I can't. I just have to keep apologizing, when I am Melissa again, and hope that they let it go. I don't know what else to do besides apologize. The truth is, when I am in that state, I don't give a shit what happens with other people or situations. I think, work still runs when I'm not there. People still have their own lives when I'm not there. Deal with it. Because I can't right now. I don't want to be alive. I do things like drink all day long or take extra pills. I do whatever I have to do to escape. I probably say things that are offensive or insensitive. It doesn't help that I often can't even remember conversations I had with other people when I was not myself. I don't call anyone until I am on the brink of disaster, because even in my pathetic state of disorder, I know that talking to people = consequences.
Well it feels better to get this all down in writing. The fact is I had an episode and now I'm me again and I have to deal with the consequences of the episode. It's scary... I never know what to expect. Who did I piss off? Who did I frighten? Will I lose a friend? Who will be avoiding me? Have I ruined my relationship with the person of the opposite sex that I have been trying to be with? Is my family still speaking with me? This part is absolutely not paranoia... these are all things that have happened following a significant episode.
You know another thing that is scary? Terrifying, actually. The older I get, the further my disease progresses. What will my life be like in another 10 years? Will I even be alive? Or will I have had an episode that was so bad I didn't make it to the other side?
My children ask me if they are at risk for mental illness. I have to tell them yes. It's the truth. The look on their faces hurts so much. What if at some point I get so crazy that they won't take care of me anymore? What if I turn into my Grandmother, and I am so hurtful that they hire someone to put up with me so they won't have to? I wouldn't blame them... if I get abusive, then I don't want them around. Them or anyone else I love.
And now, I shall begin to count my blessings, because that always helps. I shall also put on my gear and run/walk, because that always helps. I shall go to work, smile and be thankful that I am me again. And I shall wait for the next round. Because it's coming, and there is not a goddamn thing anyone can do about it.