First Week Back

I really only had a week off, so I don't know why I am so damn tired this first week back. I can barely function right now. I don't know how I will make it through an entire day, and then I have a date tonight, which I am too tired to even be excited about! I can't imagine going to the gym today, and I need to because I ate boston cream pie yesterday! Things are going really well, though... my bee at Curves got moved again. Last month I lost an inch and a half, five and a half pounds, and my body fat went down by .6%. My students are finally starting to show some growth and maturity. 4th quarter is good for that! I have officially been accepted to the master's program and will start school this summer. I will have an MA in math... how exciting! I'm really looking forward to having math classes again. I'm such a weirdo.
Plus, my sister is moving to my city soon! Yay!! One down, two to go!

How To Date!!

I had a good date last night! Holy cow! He seems normal! No creepy vibes, no intrusive questions, no badmouthing the mother of his children! He paid for the meal, he walked me to my car, he asked me out again at the end of the date! AND he's cute! And employed! In the same job for the last 8 years! He has his own vehicle! He doesn't live with his mother! He's 36 and has been divorced for 10 years! I could tell he wanted to kiss me at the end of the date but he didn't. Instead he rambled on about how I could call him really, anytime I wanted to, about anything. It was very cute. So far today, no contact, which is good... I was afraid I would have 10 messages in my email box like I did the last time I had a good date. So, we'll see where this goes. YAY!!!
PS I forgot the best part. We met from a personal ad, and the first thing he said to me was, "Your picture definitely does NOT do you justice." AWWWW!!!!!

I Heart Jake Gyllenhaal

Yesterday I went and saw Zodiac. It was all right. Then I got a gyros to eat for dinner. I am infused with garlic now and afraid to go to the gym because I might knock everyone down with the odor. Man, was it good though.
I think I might try a bit of running today. That's pretty much the biggest decision I have to make! How spoiled am I?

It's Wednesday

I wasn't too sore to get out of bed, but I'm pretty sore. This time it's my legs and sides of my waist/hip muscles. It always seems to be a different muscle group, which is probably a good thing. Since May of last year I have lost 15.5 lbs and 8.5 inches. My total body fat has gone down two percent. If I keep losing at the same average rate, by this time next year I will be under 200 lbs and wearing a size 12. I think that's a reasonable long-term goal.
Yesterday I went to the Department of Education offices in downtown Tucson to have my certificate updated. You see, for the first two years of teaching you are not actually a teacher. You are a provisional teacher. When you have finished your first two years, your district signs a paper saying you have been teaching for two years, and then you pay the state $30 to convert your certificate. While I was there I showed that I passed the secondary math test so they could add on that I was approved to teach math to middle school students. That cost me $60. Now I have three years to pay $255 to take a 3-unit class on how to teach students who don't speak English, and then have them add that to my certificate for another $60. It's not optional, and there is no reimbursement, and I don't get a raise for it. Teaching is expensive.

Update

I lost 2 lbs last week in spite of the yogurt covered raisins and sake bombers! Ha!!!! I went to lunch and the sandwich was really good. And I decided against the chocolate torte.

Spring Break!

My goal for this week is to work out every day. Not just the regular workout, but the grueling 2-hour, 4 miles walking and 30 minutes strength training workout. I want to really kick my metabolism into high gear, if that's possible! What may happen is I will get to Wednesday and be in so much pain I can't even get out of bed. But I am hoping that I have done this workout enough times that my body will be able to handle it. I am going to increase my protein as well, so that I can build muscle. Today is my weigh day, but I will be very surprised if I have lost anything. In fact I might have gained slightly due to my indulgences over the weekend. (Curse you, yogurt-covered raisins! Curse you, sake bombers!) I just really have a hard time when I am out of my routine. I felt very out of control over the weekend and acted out of control as well. Dammit.
That's ok, this morning I am myself again and will feel 100% after my workout. Then I'll go to lunch with a friend and eat my favorite sandwich in the whole entire world, and look at the chocolate torte but ultimately decide against it.
Life is good.

The Nightmares

There is a definite connection between my eating and my nightmares! Yesterday, aggravated all day by trying to teach kids who aren't interested in learning and telling friends about the disastrous date of the previous evening, I came home from work and ate two bowls of Lucky Charms. Then I ate a can of ravioli and a few hours later, a small bowl of macaroni and cheese. Starch, starch, and more starch, and precious few grams of fiber or protein. I fell asleep as soon as I finished filling in my brackets for March Madness, and had bad dreams all night long! I lost my daughter and couldn't find her anywhere. There was a wizard chasing me. I was at school and the professor was speaking some language I didn't know - possibly Klingon. Then I woke up feeling like I had a hangover, and with no appetite for breakfast as of yet.
Now, if I could only figure out how to neutralize the feelings that lead to my eating garbage before I actually eat the garbage. Yesterday I felt frustrated, lonely, and discouraged, and I chose to seek comfort in marshmallow cereal. I didn't even exercise. Is it possible that at some point I will be able to convince myself to head for the gym instead of the pantry for comfort? Because that would be really great.

What the F*%*^????

I just got back from the worst date EVER.
I swore I wouldn't do it. I demanded better of myself. And yet, I went on a date with somebody who thought my most recent Craig's List spoof was HILARIOUS.
We emailed back and forth. We appreciated one another's sense of humor. We thought this might be the one.
Then we met.
In person.
He said he was 5'8", 210 lbs.
5'8", 210 LBS MY FAT, WHITE, DIMPLY ASS! Why do people lie about these things? That guy was ROUND. As in, 65in. x 65in. I am not complaining about his weight. Or his height (rather, lack of it).
I am complaining because why, why, why must I waste my time meeting someone who can't even do me the courtesy of telling me the truth about what they LOOK LIKE???
Then, once I got past the initial shock, we started talking. He was a total POTTY MOUTH. Mind you, his emails were completely clean. Then we meet, and he is throwing around the F-bomb like every other word! Clearly, from my venting above, I have no problem with the f-bomb! But if you are a potty mouth, be a potty mouth all the time! I made the mistake of telling him my brother was in Iraq and my feelings about the situation there. He proceeded to tell me that Hillary will be the next president, my vote doesn't matter, and this will be the doom of our nation. I tried to argue my points, but it was as if I was not even there. Who talks about this stuff on a first freaking date????
I will be alone for the rest of my LIFE. I will be the crazy math teacher cat lady at the end of the block, where all the kids are afraid to trick-or-treat because they will get tricked and not treated. I will be throwing my cats at kids who walk on my perfectly manicured lawn. I will be the horrible, ugly, mean teacher who scars kids for life. All of this because I can't find a suitable mate. The one time I decide to meet somebody in the last 2 months, it's a friggin loser who lies to my face about what he looks like.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???????????? WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS????????

This Fitness Thing

Yesterday, after working a full day, I decided it was a good idea to walk twice as far as usual to the gym. It was over 80 degrees outside and by the time I started walking back to my car, I knew I had made a mistake. I hadn't eaten enough because I didn't like the lunch I packed, and I was already tired from work. Not enough calories during the day resulted in overeating at dinner. So I was sitting there after dinner, reading, tired, with a full stomach, and just absolutely throbbing from head to toe. Everything hurt, but it wasn't like sore muscles hurt... it was like my body was just PISSED OFF. I've never experienced anything like it. This morning I am better, but I think I had better take it easy today... maybe just a nice walk...

Anxiety

As soon as I found out I will be accepted into my master's program, I stopped sleeping. I started wanting to eat everything in sight and drink copious amounts of anything involving hops. Now, I haven't DONE these things, mind you, but it's taking a lot of energy not to. They are almost all valid fears, and there is nothing to do but wait for it to happen, and try to make it work. It's the unknown that scares me... what if the director's idea of "easy for me to join the program" and my idea of that are completely different? I'm already in debt and on the verge of bankrupcy as it is. What if this puts me over the edge? What if there's no time left to be a parent? What if my anxiety gets the better of me and I lose the stability I have gained the last few years? What if? What if? What if?

My Skinny Pants

The pants I was so excited to fit into a few months ago are so big now that they chafe my skin at the waist. I'm fitting into all of my cute clothes, my bras don't bulge, and I can foresee a future where I can buy clothes wherever I want without worrying whether they will have my size. Everything is cool, right?
This is typically the point where I begin to self-sabotage. And I am starting to see it happen. Somewhere in the dark recesses of my gray matter, my fear takes over. What will I blame my problems on, if not my weight? What will I do with the attention from men that I am ill equipped to handle? Am I capable of living life as a thinner person without drinking too much and losing control of my morals?
When I take a serious and objective look back, alcohol has been a big problem for me whenever I began to fit into regular sized clothes. I used the alcohol to stifle the self doubt. I used it to feel like I was on top of the world and in control of everything. It's sinister because the truth is the exact opposite.
If I am going to be able to live as a thinner person, I have to learn how to do it without using anything to quell those voices in my head. I am going to need a new coping mechanism that doesn't involve a substance. I don't know where it will come from, but I believe I can find it if I look.
So, the girl scout cookies didn't undo me, and neither will my own gray matter. Not this time. I hope I hope I hope I hope

A Momentuous Occasion

Dear Ms. Papenfus,
We have reviewed your applications to our Master's degree program. Our current plan is to make you an offer, with financial aid, as soon as possible. I wish that I could be more specific right now, but there are still some details of our budget that need to be worked out. I expect that the offer we do make will make it easy for you to join the program.
(...lots of other blah blah blah.....)
Sincerely yours,
X
Director, Arizona Teacher Initiative
University of Arizona

More fun with Craig's List

I did it again... I couldn't help it! I got bored, and fueled by the strange (and frankly, disconcerting) fact that I am still receiving responses from the last ad I posted, I composed the following:
Jane Looking for her Tarzan
I call myself Jane because it seems a suitable name for a blonde, blue eyed, trim, gorgeous woman. My birth name is Shakwondae, but please don't be put off by that!
My face is near perfect. It's taken six surgeries to get there but it was worth every second of pain to be this beautiful. Please don't respond if you are allergic to latex as that is what my skin is for all intensive purposes. I would of gone to college but I got kicked out after I offered sex for good grades. Even though I am not educated I consider myself incredibly gorgeous and that should be enough for any man.
I don't have to work out to stay skinny. I just don't eat. I don't have a lot of muscle tone but who cares when you are as cute as me? Please don't try to take me to a restaurant as they serve food there. I am sure that you would rather have a skinny woman and avoid food on dates, than be dating a fatso who actually wants to put food in her mouth.
I can be a good conversationalist as long as the topic is my looks. Please don't be turned off my the smell of limburger cheese. I have done everything I know of to do but my feet still smell. It's not bad as long as I keep my shoes on.
Please respond with a picture. If you are rich and handsome and look good in a leotard, we might have a chance.
Now, get ready for this. The first response was so good, I can't even wait until I have more to post it. Here it is:
Jane,
i've got a secret. one can eat & still stay lean & attractive. the
trouble is in our society we are always in a rush thus we eat too
quickly & over-eat before we get full.
it takes 15 to 20 mins. from the 1st bite of food for the nutrient to
enter our blood-stream & signal our system we are full. in that 15
mins. we often eat double what would have filled us up had we only ate
slowly! i eat slowly taking 1 min between bites so in 15 mins. i can
only eat 16 bites of food. i get FULL on thos 16 bites and stay lean
unfortunately i had to learn this the hard way. i do work-out 5 days
per week doing aerobics & body-building but that for my heart & to
develop my physique.

well enough of the sermon. i'd like to chat & get acquainted. 0nce
we've made contact i'll send more pics.


That's how he sent it to me... with the head removed!!! I can't stop laughing! I've lost bladder control!!

The Great Homework Debate

Yesterday I was asked to join a committee that will change the way teachers assign grades at my school. I was told very clearly that it wasn't IF we were going to change things, it was HOW we were going to change things, and did I want to be a part of the decision making process? Hell yeah, I said. Like I'm going to pass up a chance to spout off my two cents.
Anyway, the big deal is that there are state standards we are responsible for teaching in each subject. These are the standards that students are tested on at the end of the year by way of AIMS. For example, in 7th grade math, one of the standards is that students should be able to find a percent of a number. On their AIMS test, there are some questions that will assess whether or not the student can perform that task.
How does all this relate to homework? I'm getting there.
Ever since the dawn of high stakes testing (meaning pass this test or you get held back), there has been a lot of talk about whether or not grades should reflect how a student performs on their tests. Some students can never do a lick of homework, and as a result fail a class, and then perform very well on their tests. The general movement seems to be that if a student can perform on the state standards, he/she should receive a passing grade in the class, regardless of work ethic. We can't have kids doing well on AIMS and getting F's on their report card in the same year. Our grades need to match how the students are actually performing on the state standards.
Here's the rub: There is no test in real life that will give a kid a paycheck for being smart. People get paychecks because they show up for work every day and do their jobs. Now, there are exceptions to this rule; I realize that, and so does every other teacher out there. We teach the state standards, but that is not ALL we teach. Part of school is learning to be responsible, and part of the teacher's job is to hold students accountable for doing their work. When all these changes take place, students will be able to have a C on their report card without doing any homework at all. Part of me thinks that is fine - if they don't need the extra practice, they shouldn't have to do it. But the other part says hold up! There will most likely come a day when the tasks they have to perform don't come to them naturally, and then they will need the practice! And when that day comes, they will have no work ethic, no study habits, no idea how to actually sit and practice on their own! Just because they can do 7th grade math without batting an eyelash, that doesn't mean they will get to precalculus in a few years and understand everything the first time around.
So the debate continues. Am I overestimating the teacher's responsibility in shaping the work ethic of the child? I know for a fact there is too much homework being assigned at my school. Some teachers assign it just because they think it's expected. Getting rid of that kind of thing will be a definite bonus. On the other hand, it just goes against the fiber of my being to think a kid should not have any homework, ever, or should be able to blow it off and not have any consequences.
Thoughts? Ideas?

Ahh, testing

We are testing this week. No lesson plans, no collecting homework. Just blissful quiet. Until the results come in, that is, when I will crash into a dismal depression over the failure of my 7th graders to grasp the state standards.

My Revenge

The Girl Scout Cookies may have won the battle, but I won the war. Thankfully, yesterday an intervention came in the form of my dry skin.
I was putting lotion on my legs when I became acutely aware of the muscle in my right calf. It was flexed because I had my foot up on my dresser to put the lotion on, and the thought that came to mind was, and I quote: "Holy Shit, girl, that is TIGHT!!!" (Tight being the word my students have been using to describe something that is so beyond cool that it is not cool anymore, but tight.)
It was quite a revelation, because it may have been the first time that I have become aware of part of my body and had a positive reaction to it. I came out of my cookie coma right then, and said to myself, "Melissa, you are NOT going to let this happen. Get your shit together THIS INSTANT and go to the gym." And I went. Not only that, I walked there, worked out, and walked home.
I kept thinking about the cookies, though. There was still 1/2 a box of the peanut butter Do-si-dos beckoning to me seductively. (Serving size: 1 tube. Calories: 550.) So this morning, I put them down the disposal. At $4.00 a box, that was two dollars I just threw down the drain. Literally.
So next year, I will recognize the girl scouts for the crack-pushing, cellulite whores that they are. I will not buy cookies, and if I feel I must donate money, I will remember that it's better to just give it to them directly than to put it down the drain. I have fond memories of my own girl scouts experiences, and my leader was one of the strong women who became my role models as an adult. Which is why I end up buying the cookies every year. BUT NO MORE!! Hear me, girl scouts? Hear me, fat cells? I WIN!!!!!

Undone by the girl scout cookies

I have come completely undone. Well, not completely. I still keep starting out every morning with a protein shake and good intentions. The girl scout cookies got here Tuesday morning. Before I even left work, I had eaten an entire box. Serving size: 2 cookies. Calories: 150. Servings in box: 8. That's 1,350 calories, people! And a stomachache, a headache, and total derailment of plans for the stupid 20 year reunion! I didn't lose any weight last week. I am not meeting my goals! I came home Tuesday, still went to the gym, but proceeded to eat another 1/3 of a box of cookies before bed. I woke up Wednesday, had a protein shake, and told myself I was starting over. Then I got home from work and ate the other 2/3 of the open box, and didn't walk. Yesterday I did fine all day at work, but I was thinking about the damn cookies. I got home and ate 1/2 a box, and didn't go to the gym or walk. Last night I had weird lesbian dreams involving the ocean and woke up with a monstrous headache. I am destroying myself! I can't stop! I think I need rehab! Is there cookie rehab??? CURSE THE GIRL SCOUTS AND THEIR BLASTED COOKIES!!!!

Tainted Peanut Butter!!

There's tainted peanut butter in my cupboard! Or was, rather... my youngest daughter looked at the code on the lid, and sure enough, it's one of the recall jars. It was almost gone, but none of us got sick. I told her to throw it away, but I wonder if that was silly. If we already ate almost the whole jar, and didn't get sick, it must be ok, right?

Why don't you just say the negroes are taking over the world?

In our school newsletter, which is published every Friday, the Principal put a little blurb about Abraham Lincoln last week. Yesterday she forwarded to the entire staff an email from a parent, thanking everyone who was involved in the newsletter for doing such a great job. The parent also wrote this:
"Thank you for mentioning President Lincoln in there as well. He seems to have gotten lost in the "black history month" so it was good to see you mention him."
I have to trust my gut reaction to this statement, which was that this statement is a veiled racist rant. I understand that I live in suburbia (people have decorated the OUTSIDES of their houses for Valentine's day, by the way), and that there are few people of color, even fewer of whom are black. But I am still jarred when people say and do things like this, and I am ashamed to say it has happened more times than I care to admit. It makes me think I need to move away from here. The quotation marks around Black History Month and the fact that the words aren't capitalized, combined with the insinuation that a white man isn't getting the attention he deserves add up to nothing more than plain bigotry.
I also have to wonder why the principal didn't see this? Did it even occur to her that the statement might be considered racist? Did she stop and think before she forwarded it to everyone? I doubt it. She's so entrenched in this community, she probably didn't even notice the racist undertones. That's what happens when racist behavior is considered acceptable in your community. I need to get out of here.

I hate science fair

What a week! I've been working my head off. My youngest daughter waited until 2 days before her science fair project was due to get started on it, and even though I refused to bail her out, it was still a very stressful couple of days. I did the right parenting thing, but it was definitely not the easy way out. I kept reminding her of why she was in this situation, and that she did not have anyone to blame but herself, etc. Of course, it would have helped greatly if I didn't have to be the only parent. I am very angry and resentful at my ex right now because he could have helped and he chose not to. I'm so angry that I feel like telling him I'm not driving the girls to meet him this Friday, and if he wants to see them he can come get them. But when I think that through, I am afraid that he will come get them and then refuse to bring them back, and put me in the same situation I am thinking of putting him in. And that isn't what is best for the girls. So, I will bite my tongue and swallow my anger and take them as usual. And my stomach will complain. My sense of fairness and justice will complain. And nothing will change. It's the powerlessness that eats away at me. What it all boils down to is that I chose him as the father of my children, and I chose to divorce him, and although they were both reasonable choices at the time, these are the results.
I have finished reading "You: On A Diet" and have exercised every day this week except Thursday. (Ok, I skipped my walk because I was helping with science fair.) This book insists that being accountable is very important for success in making permanent life changes. It says to walk every single day, no excuses, for 30 minutes, and talk to somebody when I'm finished. I'm also supposed to eat cinnamon. hmmm.