Seriously

All this looking for my softer side has exhausted me. I don't have energy for anything else. I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I keep talking myself out of it on the way home. I'm just too tired! Seriously, I went to bed at 7 p.m. last night. I had to get up at 9 to pick my daughter up from her student council thing, and she apologized for waking me up. I said no need to apologize! And promptly went back to bed. That's not normal. I am calling the doctor today.

Still looking...

Well, it's been three days now and I haven't found my softer side. My brain hurts from looking. Can I call my arse my softer side? It's soft and squishy and would never hurt anyone. HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!

But what if I don't HAVE a softer side?

I totally lost it today in class and ripped a kid up one side and down the other for lying. In front of the rest of the class. He called his mom, his mom called the principal, I got called in. His mom wants him taken out of my class. Can't say I blame her. So I apologized to the kid, apologized to the mom, explained to her why I was frustrated with her kid, and asked for a week to try and smooth things over before we move him to another class. I think it will all be fine, but the principal thinks I need to look for my softer side. Problem is, I am not sure I have one.

And Again

Yesterday I ate fried food for breakfast, carrots dipped in peanut butter for a snack, salad for lunch, and tuna noodle casserole for dinner. Oh, and two dove ice cream bars. And a giant glass of chocolate milk. I guess it is food diary time again. Testing is over at school, so today we are back to our regular schedule. Possibly that will help me get back on track. My feet hurt from all the walking I did during testing, and that has been enough of an excuse for me to keep avoiding the gym. I am just going to keep writing about this mess until I figure it out. Here's the plan for today:
1. Make my protein shake for breakfast and take my vitamins with it.
2. Pack two healthy snacks and a decent lunch.
3. Track calories for today.
4. Go to the gym after work. No excuses.
5. Don't eat any food at work other than what I pack.
I have to figure out something for dinner now, before I leave, to avoid stopping off to get something quick after work when I am tired and don't care anymore.
Please, forces of the universe, give me strength! I am but a speck in this world, yet I want to be a healthy speck!

Try that again

I worked a 12 hour day yesterday and did not work out. My mental exhaustion is so utter and complete that I feel there is no hope of getting back on track. This week I have had to convince two sets of parents that retention is the best option for their child. The crying, the anguish, the pain on their faces is just more than I can bear. It is rare to see a grown man cry, but tell him his daughter has to repeat the 8th grade and there it is. I feel so deeply for them, but I refuse to throw their kids into a situation where I KNOW they will be overwhelmed. I refuse to just keep pushing them through even though they lack the most basic study skills, not to mention academic ones. It amazes me how many teachers are willing to give up once the parents start crying. Where is their sense of professional duty? As teachers, it is our job to do what we believe will best serve the CHILD. Even when it is difficult and painful.
So, the food was fine yesterday until I went to the teachers lounge for lunch and sat down next to a cake. Then proceeded to eat fried food for dinner because I was so hungry by the time I got to the grocery store, my last stop before home, I bought food from the deli - whatever looked good. Went to bed and had nightmares about my sister fighting a shark, and her husband killing my dad. This morning I just want to cry, go back to bed and just cry myself back to sleep. But instead I will go to work and smile and the kids and tell them this is their last day of testing and THEY CAN DO IT!!!!! Something funny did happen yesterday - I ran out of the snacks the school provided for AIMS testing, so I told the kids I would go to the store and get them whatever they wanted. Know what they asked for? Fresh fruit and beef jerky. All week they have been showing up with crackers, fruit snacks, junk! The school provided crackers - every flavor you can imagine. No protein, no fiber. So then I ask them what they want, and they make the most healthy choice! Too funny. So I got them strawberries, grapes, and beef jerky. I do love my job. I'm just really tired.

Back on Track

I worked out yesterday for the first time in a week and a half, which is good. My goal is to work out again today and keep my food under control. I weighed yesterday at the gym and my week and a half off cost me two pounds. Hopefully I can lose that by the end of the month and get back to where I was. I'm having a hard time with the food right now.

The Stress is Winning

AIMS is next week. Get this - we are testing for four days. The week is five days long. The decision was made from on high, the land of Headupmyass, AKA the district office, that we will test Monday through Thursday. Keep in mind we have tomorrow off, so the kids will come in Monday after a long weekend and BAM! Go cold into the most important test they will take this year. Did it occur to anyone in the land of Headupmyass that Tuesday through Friday might be better? Morons! IDIOTS! I am so pissed. So I bring this to the attention of the curriculum guy, who is administering the test, and he goes, "Great idea! Why didn't you say anything two months ago?"
"OH!" I thought. "Gee, I guess when they asked what us teachers thought, it didn't occur to me... OH, WAIT!! Nobody asked what we thought." What I said was, "I just got the testing schedule YESTERDAY." He said, "Smile! It's going to be ok." I actually YELLED at him, "NO! I am not happy!" and stormed off.
I am trying not to get so worked up over this stupid test. But all I want to do after the school day is over, is come home and eat. And that is what I have been doing. I tell myself that I am choosing to eat to manage my stress, when I could be choosing to work out. I am grateful at least for the awareness. I just feel so powerless and frustrated. I think I must be stressing the students out, in spite of my efforts to put on a happy face in front of them. I just hate this test. I hate the idea that this one test will determine whether they have the knowledge to pass into the next grade. I hate that the State of Arizona will base their opinion of my teaching from the results of this one test.
On top of everything else I have raging PMS, which makes me keep welling up with tears at the most unexpected times. It's kind of embarassing.

First Week Back

I really only had a week off, so I don't know why I am so damn tired this first week back. I can barely function right now. I don't know how I will make it through an entire day, and then I have a date tonight, which I am too tired to even be excited about! I can't imagine going to the gym today, and I need to because I ate boston cream pie yesterday! Things are going really well, though... my bee at Curves got moved again. Last month I lost an inch and a half, five and a half pounds, and my body fat went down by .6%. My students are finally starting to show some growth and maturity. 4th quarter is good for that! I have officially been accepted to the master's program and will start school this summer. I will have an MA in math... how exciting! I'm really looking forward to having math classes again. I'm such a weirdo.
Plus, my sister is moving to my city soon! Yay!! One down, two to go!

How To Date!!

I had a good date last night! Holy cow! He seems normal! No creepy vibes, no intrusive questions, no badmouthing the mother of his children! He paid for the meal, he walked me to my car, he asked me out again at the end of the date! AND he's cute! And employed! In the same job for the last 8 years! He has his own vehicle! He doesn't live with his mother! He's 36 and has been divorced for 10 years! I could tell he wanted to kiss me at the end of the date but he didn't. Instead he rambled on about how I could call him really, anytime I wanted to, about anything. It was very cute. So far today, no contact, which is good... I was afraid I would have 10 messages in my email box like I did the last time I had a good date. So, we'll see where this goes. YAY!!!
PS I forgot the best part. We met from a personal ad, and the first thing he said to me was, "Your picture definitely does NOT do you justice." AWWWW!!!!!

I Heart Jake Gyllenhaal

Yesterday I went and saw Zodiac. It was all right. Then I got a gyros to eat for dinner. I am infused with garlic now and afraid to go to the gym because I might knock everyone down with the odor. Man, was it good though.
I think I might try a bit of running today. That's pretty much the biggest decision I have to make! How spoiled am I?

It's Wednesday

I wasn't too sore to get out of bed, but I'm pretty sore. This time it's my legs and sides of my waist/hip muscles. It always seems to be a different muscle group, which is probably a good thing. Since May of last year I have lost 15.5 lbs and 8.5 inches. My total body fat has gone down two percent. If I keep losing at the same average rate, by this time next year I will be under 200 lbs and wearing a size 12. I think that's a reasonable long-term goal.
Yesterday I went to the Department of Education offices in downtown Tucson to have my certificate updated. You see, for the first two years of teaching you are not actually a teacher. You are a provisional teacher. When you have finished your first two years, your district signs a paper saying you have been teaching for two years, and then you pay the state $30 to convert your certificate. While I was there I showed that I passed the secondary math test so they could add on that I was approved to teach math to middle school students. That cost me $60. Now I have three years to pay $255 to take a 3-unit class on how to teach students who don't speak English, and then have them add that to my certificate for another $60. It's not optional, and there is no reimbursement, and I don't get a raise for it. Teaching is expensive.

Update

I lost 2 lbs last week in spite of the yogurt covered raisins and sake bombers! Ha!!!! I went to lunch and the sandwich was really good. And I decided against the chocolate torte.

Spring Break!

My goal for this week is to work out every day. Not just the regular workout, but the grueling 2-hour, 4 miles walking and 30 minutes strength training workout. I want to really kick my metabolism into high gear, if that's possible! What may happen is I will get to Wednesday and be in so much pain I can't even get out of bed. But I am hoping that I have done this workout enough times that my body will be able to handle it. I am going to increase my protein as well, so that I can build muscle. Today is my weigh day, but I will be very surprised if I have lost anything. In fact I might have gained slightly due to my indulgences over the weekend. (Curse you, yogurt-covered raisins! Curse you, sake bombers!) I just really have a hard time when I am out of my routine. I felt very out of control over the weekend and acted out of control as well. Dammit.
That's ok, this morning I am myself again and will feel 100% after my workout. Then I'll go to lunch with a friend and eat my favorite sandwich in the whole entire world, and look at the chocolate torte but ultimately decide against it.
Life is good.

The Nightmares

There is a definite connection between my eating and my nightmares! Yesterday, aggravated all day by trying to teach kids who aren't interested in learning and telling friends about the disastrous date of the previous evening, I came home from work and ate two bowls of Lucky Charms. Then I ate a can of ravioli and a few hours later, a small bowl of macaroni and cheese. Starch, starch, and more starch, and precious few grams of fiber or protein. I fell asleep as soon as I finished filling in my brackets for March Madness, and had bad dreams all night long! I lost my daughter and couldn't find her anywhere. There was a wizard chasing me. I was at school and the professor was speaking some language I didn't know - possibly Klingon. Then I woke up feeling like I had a hangover, and with no appetite for breakfast as of yet.
Now, if I could only figure out how to neutralize the feelings that lead to my eating garbage before I actually eat the garbage. Yesterday I felt frustrated, lonely, and discouraged, and I chose to seek comfort in marshmallow cereal. I didn't even exercise. Is it possible that at some point I will be able to convince myself to head for the gym instead of the pantry for comfort? Because that would be really great.

What the F*%*^????

I just got back from the worst date EVER.
I swore I wouldn't do it. I demanded better of myself. And yet, I went on a date with somebody who thought my most recent Craig's List spoof was HILARIOUS.
We emailed back and forth. We appreciated one another's sense of humor. We thought this might be the one.
Then we met.
In person.
He said he was 5'8", 210 lbs.
5'8", 210 LBS MY FAT, WHITE, DIMPLY ASS! Why do people lie about these things? That guy was ROUND. As in, 65in. x 65in. I am not complaining about his weight. Or his height (rather, lack of it).
I am complaining because why, why, why must I waste my time meeting someone who can't even do me the courtesy of telling me the truth about what they LOOK LIKE???
Then, once I got past the initial shock, we started talking. He was a total POTTY MOUTH. Mind you, his emails were completely clean. Then we meet, and he is throwing around the F-bomb like every other word! Clearly, from my venting above, I have no problem with the f-bomb! But if you are a potty mouth, be a potty mouth all the time! I made the mistake of telling him my brother was in Iraq and my feelings about the situation there. He proceeded to tell me that Hillary will be the next president, my vote doesn't matter, and this will be the doom of our nation. I tried to argue my points, but it was as if I was not even there. Who talks about this stuff on a first freaking date????
I will be alone for the rest of my LIFE. I will be the crazy math teacher cat lady at the end of the block, where all the kids are afraid to trick-or-treat because they will get tricked and not treated. I will be throwing my cats at kids who walk on my perfectly manicured lawn. I will be the horrible, ugly, mean teacher who scars kids for life. All of this because I can't find a suitable mate. The one time I decide to meet somebody in the last 2 months, it's a friggin loser who lies to my face about what he looks like.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???????????? WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS????????

This Fitness Thing

Yesterday, after working a full day, I decided it was a good idea to walk twice as far as usual to the gym. It was over 80 degrees outside and by the time I started walking back to my car, I knew I had made a mistake. I hadn't eaten enough because I didn't like the lunch I packed, and I was already tired from work. Not enough calories during the day resulted in overeating at dinner. So I was sitting there after dinner, reading, tired, with a full stomach, and just absolutely throbbing from head to toe. Everything hurt, but it wasn't like sore muscles hurt... it was like my body was just PISSED OFF. I've never experienced anything like it. This morning I am better, but I think I had better take it easy today... maybe just a nice walk...

Anxiety

As soon as I found out I will be accepted into my master's program, I stopped sleeping. I started wanting to eat everything in sight and drink copious amounts of anything involving hops. Now, I haven't DONE these things, mind you, but it's taking a lot of energy not to. They are almost all valid fears, and there is nothing to do but wait for it to happen, and try to make it work. It's the unknown that scares me... what if the director's idea of "easy for me to join the program" and my idea of that are completely different? I'm already in debt and on the verge of bankrupcy as it is. What if this puts me over the edge? What if there's no time left to be a parent? What if my anxiety gets the better of me and I lose the stability I have gained the last few years? What if? What if? What if?

My Skinny Pants

The pants I was so excited to fit into a few months ago are so big now that they chafe my skin at the waist. I'm fitting into all of my cute clothes, my bras don't bulge, and I can foresee a future where I can buy clothes wherever I want without worrying whether they will have my size. Everything is cool, right?
This is typically the point where I begin to self-sabotage. And I am starting to see it happen. Somewhere in the dark recesses of my gray matter, my fear takes over. What will I blame my problems on, if not my weight? What will I do with the attention from men that I am ill equipped to handle? Am I capable of living life as a thinner person without drinking too much and losing control of my morals?
When I take a serious and objective look back, alcohol has been a big problem for me whenever I began to fit into regular sized clothes. I used the alcohol to stifle the self doubt. I used it to feel like I was on top of the world and in control of everything. It's sinister because the truth is the exact opposite.
If I am going to be able to live as a thinner person, I have to learn how to do it without using anything to quell those voices in my head. I am going to need a new coping mechanism that doesn't involve a substance. I don't know where it will come from, but I believe I can find it if I look.
So, the girl scout cookies didn't undo me, and neither will my own gray matter. Not this time. I hope I hope I hope I hope

A Momentuous Occasion

Dear Ms. Papenfus,
We have reviewed your applications to our Master's degree program. Our current plan is to make you an offer, with financial aid, as soon as possible. I wish that I could be more specific right now, but there are still some details of our budget that need to be worked out. I expect that the offer we do make will make it easy for you to join the program.
(...lots of other blah blah blah.....)
Sincerely yours,
X
Director, Arizona Teacher Initiative
University of Arizona

More fun with Craig's List

I did it again... I couldn't help it! I got bored, and fueled by the strange (and frankly, disconcerting) fact that I am still receiving responses from the last ad I posted, I composed the following:
Jane Looking for her Tarzan
I call myself Jane because it seems a suitable name for a blonde, blue eyed, trim, gorgeous woman. My birth name is Shakwondae, but please don't be put off by that!
My face is near perfect. It's taken six surgeries to get there but it was worth every second of pain to be this beautiful. Please don't respond if you are allergic to latex as that is what my skin is for all intensive purposes. I would of gone to college but I got kicked out after I offered sex for good grades. Even though I am not educated I consider myself incredibly gorgeous and that should be enough for any man.
I don't have to work out to stay skinny. I just don't eat. I don't have a lot of muscle tone but who cares when you are as cute as me? Please don't try to take me to a restaurant as they serve food there. I am sure that you would rather have a skinny woman and avoid food on dates, than be dating a fatso who actually wants to put food in her mouth.
I can be a good conversationalist as long as the topic is my looks. Please don't be turned off my the smell of limburger cheese. I have done everything I know of to do but my feet still smell. It's not bad as long as I keep my shoes on.
Please respond with a picture. If you are rich and handsome and look good in a leotard, we might have a chance.
Now, get ready for this. The first response was so good, I can't even wait until I have more to post it. Here it is:
Jane,
i've got a secret. one can eat & still stay lean & attractive. the
trouble is in our society we are always in a rush thus we eat too
quickly & over-eat before we get full.
it takes 15 to 20 mins. from the 1st bite of food for the nutrient to
enter our blood-stream & signal our system we are full. in that 15
mins. we often eat double what would have filled us up had we only ate
slowly! i eat slowly taking 1 min between bites so in 15 mins. i can
only eat 16 bites of food. i get FULL on thos 16 bites and stay lean
unfortunately i had to learn this the hard way. i do work-out 5 days
per week doing aerobics & body-building but that for my heart & to
develop my physique.

well enough of the sermon. i'd like to chat & get acquainted. 0nce
we've made contact i'll send more pics.


That's how he sent it to me... with the head removed!!! I can't stop laughing! I've lost bladder control!!