Better

My cough seems to have changed its mind. Not a single cough during the night!
My insurance company says I have no deductible for mental health, just a copay.
I still don't want to go anywhere but I wonder how much of it has to do with needing to recuperate from work? I've been sleeping 12 hours a night but what if it's not depression? Today I don't feel depressed.
I have my emergency fund in an envelope but now my bank account will be overdrawn when my ACCC payment comes out, unless some money appears in my account between now and then. I will stubbornly choose to wait until the last moment for that to happen, before I put back part of my emergency fund! I so want to be finished with it! Buying all that medicine for my illness set me back almost that entire hundred dollars. Stupid cough.
The lady I am tutoring takes her test on Monday. I told her yesterday I'm way to invested in the results! If she doesn't pass I'll feel like I'M the one who failed! I really do think she will pass. She's doing so well.

The crazy's got me.

The crazy has got me in its evil, evil clutches. Fortunately, I have things to do that will force me out of the house today. I have a list of things to do but yesterday I just laid around feeling sorry for myself. Today I am tutoring the lady who is trying to become a kindergarten teacher, and I am hoping that once I get showered and out of the house, I will feel better and will go ahead and do the things that are on my list.
I think there are a few things contributing to this new and seemingly inevitable trip down depression lane. First, it's never good to have an illness that is dragging on. I have had no voice for the last 8 days. The cough started to go away, and now is coming back, as I knew it would. But I was so prepared this year. I have been writing everything down since day 1. I wrote my symptoms and how much medicine I have been taking, and which kinds. Now when I go see Dr. Min on Monday, I will have been managing by myself for the last 12 days, and he will have to do something. My logic is that if I had gone after the first few days, like everyone was telling me, he would have just sent me home, telling me to take the medicine I was already taking, and see if it would clear up on its own. So I just skipped that step, which would have cost $40 and been completely useless. See? But I think being sick for more than a week or so takes its toll on my mental health.
The second contributing factor is being off work for more than 2 days at a time. It's just never good for me to have too much time on my hands.
The third, and most relevant thing, is that I have got myself in a cycle of blaming myself and feeling sorry for myself because of the fact that I have this disease and it's progressing as I age. When I went to see this guy that does the intensive outpatient therapy, he corrected me when I said that I was bipolar. He said that I am not bipolar, I am not this disease, I HAVE this disease. A diabetic person wouldn't say I am diabetes, they would say I am diabetic. Semantics? I don't know. Anyway, I have a lot of self-hatred going on, and I just keep going back to the fact that this will never go away. I will never be "better." All I can do is manage it, with the help of my support system. Keeping in mind that I am lucky, SO lucky, to have the support system that I have usually helps. But I have even found a way to keep that from helping, by developing this overwhelming fear that the people in my life that comprise my support system will get sick of dealing with me and will abandon me. I am sick of myself. So how can they not get sick of me? I hate being around me. So how can they not hate being around me? I just feel like an asshole.
The fourth and probably most important contributing factor is that I haven't been exercising. Exercise is like a 5th pill that I should be taking every day. I can blame the illness for the past few weeks, but even with the cough I could be taking a walk every day. At least I think that would be ok. (It seems like going outside makes the cough worse, so maybe it wouldn't be ok. On the other hand it might help. Dammit Jim, I'm a teacher, not a doctor!!! hahah!!!)
So I think I really need this outpatient therapy. It just pisses me off that going to this therapy is going to set me back as far as my financial freedom! It pisses me off that I need it, period! I don't want to drive clear across town (it's an hour drive after work to get there, no joke) three times a week! I'm not sure that is a good idea! I will have to either quit my tutoring job or have something to do after work every single night of the week. How can that be a good thing? I do have the option of doing the therapy twice a week instead of three times. The social worker recommended against it, but it's still an option. The cost in gasoline will be huge. I'll have to stop for something to eat every time. I just don't know!!!
I"m seeing Dr. Saeed next weekend, and I'm definitely not in the frame of mind to hurt myself, so don't worry, blog. I recognize the stupid depression for what it is. And I know I will feel better if I do the things that I am supposed to do, one of which is letting my support system know that I am having difficulty. Check. Also keep taking my meds and keeping my mood chart. Check. Get out of the house. Check. So it will be ok. Writing about it helps. Check. It's gonna get better.

It's actually working out!

I got both my refunds, and finished my emergency fund, and paid off the small B of A loan. Now I can start paying off my car. If I can put even $100 more toward my car payment, then I will have it paid off in less than a year. Hopefully I can get a good job over the summer and pay it off then. That's an extra $350 a month I can put toward the credit card I have in Mom's name. Then, when I put that money plus the money I have already been paying toward that every month, I should have that paid off in about a year. It's a long process but getting into this much debt took a lot longer. And it feels so good to be living within my means. I can't believe I will have a car that's paid for! I wouldn't have imagined such a thing a year ago! All of this of course barring disaster. Something is bound to come up between now and then, but I have the money saved to pay for a disaster up front, and then I'll just build back my emergency fund and keep going. Ramsey's plan is taking me a hell of a lot longer than he said it would, but then my situation is kind of extreme.
For now, I see the light at the end of my debt tunnel, and it is exciting. Just to have hope is an incredible gift.

The cooties got me!!

It's a chest cold. NOOOOO!!! I have no voice and my chest hurts. The worst part is not being able to talk. Everyone knows how much I like to talk. But it kind of hurts to do it. It's a good exercise in listening!! haha.
My tax refund should be coming in a couple of days. Then I can finish my emergency fund and pay off the small B of A loan that wasn't included in the debt consolidation. I need to take my Mac to this place in Tucson that fixes them - if they can get it to start I can get my budget worksheets off of it! Really I need to just quit being lazy and do them over again. I'll have to get right on that.
Testing today at school and I have to read the math part out loud. I really don't think that's happening! I will have to ask the administration if they can trade me with someone who doesn't have to read but who knows how. I'm sure it will work out. I got the kids some capri-suns and some fruit and crackers. They don't eat breakfast, because they are turd pre-teens, and then around 9:00 their little stomachs start growling. Totally ruins their focus. Well not on my watch!
So about the outpatient therapy program. I have about $100 left on my fsa card that I should be able to use for that. I need to call the insurance company and ask them if this is a mental health care deductible, because if it is, then the co-pays for Dr. Saeed this year should count toward it. I am trying to decide if I really need to go. My past experience with my disease says that if I am trying to tell myself I don't need it, then it's probably the first thing I need. Especially if the doctor told me I need it. So. I'm going to keep thinking about it.

I might have it

It was another good day, mood-wise. I think I am leveling off! Yay!

Well, shit.

I think the people at the district have really done everything they can about the broken air conditioning system, and the classroom topped out yesterday at 82 degrees. Much better, bearable I think, so as long as the weather doesn't get any warmer we'll be ok. Yesterday a boy came in and he had just had P.E. He couldn't cool off because it was so warm in the classroom. He told me he felt like he was going to pass out. This is a tough kid who never complains so it was kind of scary. His face was all red and he did not look good. I told him to get some water and he did cool off eventually. In an evil way I wish he had fainted because then we might get some attention from somebody who can pay the money to fix what's broken.
We have testing this week. Yuck. The school and probably the district is out of compliance as far as meeting accommodations for our SPED kids. I told the bigwigs what needed to be done and nobody even responded to me. So, I took matters into my own hands and sent out an email to all staff who is proctoring SPED tests. I told them in no uncertain terms what they had better be doing and if they weren't doing it then they were breaking federal law. The reaction I got was funny. Two people wrote back. First the principal, who said good email and that the admin would be following up by visiting the SPED classrooms. Then a bigwig from the district, saying "Thank you Sxxxx, now maybe we can get some compliance." Sxxxx is the school psychologist - one of the people who didn't respond when I told him we were out of compliance. The person whose JOB it is to make sure this is happening. So. You can see how awesome our SPED department is. Bunch of asshats. All of them. Then, I had two SPED teachers thank me for sending the email. Whatever! One of them was the head of the SPED dept. for our school! Whatever!! We agreed that we would check with our kids and ask them if their accommodations were happening. Whatever! Ugh!!! Thanks for the help, people who were supposed to be doing this in the first place!
After work yesterday I went to an intake appointment for the intensive outpatient program Dr. Saeed said I needed to come to. I spent 2.5 friggin hours answering a billion questions about very private matters. Then, at 6:30 p.m., they tell me I have a $500 deductible and the cost for each session is $90. The program is 3 sessions per week. 6 weeks in I would be done paying and I don't even know how long I would need to participate. I said there is just no way I can pay that money, and they said well sorry, bye. I wish I could tell all the jerks who insist we don't need healthcare reform about this. I wonder what they would say? I work for the government, in the most thankless job in the country, and I can't get benefits that will allow me the treatment I need. This in spite of spending over $2,000 each year to get the meager benefits I do have. Last year I spent over $1,400 out of pocket on medical expenses. If I was able to itemize, I would get that back from the state, but I don't have any mortgage interest or anything like that, so the standard deduction is always higher. It's quite the fun mess. Last year's expenses were high because of that horrible lung infection the first few months of the year, when I had to keep going back to the doctor, the urgent care, and finally the specialist before I got some help. I don't know how many prescriptions I paid for - and for drugs that didn't help. Another good reason for reform. If doctors had some kind of incentive to really figure out what was wrong the FIRST time around, everyone would benefit except those who make a fortune off of sick people. There is absolutely no reason I should have spent $100 on co-pays to see my PCP, who did not test my immune system until the 5th visit. Every time I went to see her, she talked about my weight and my diet instead of my hacking cough, wheezing, low body temperature and general weakness and malaise. My lungs have never been the same since. I spent $150 on three visits to the urgent care when I was so sick I almost couldn't get through the days. Then $80 on co-pays for the specialist.
So I have to call Dr. Saeed to tell him I can't afford the treatment he recommends, and I already know that he is going to tell me I really need to do this, and I will say it's either rent or therapy, and we'll both sigh and shake our heads, and life will go on. And hopefully I won't have another episode, and will get control of my moods. The last 2 days have been ok. Just keep praying, blog. Please let today be better than yesterday.

Hardball

I decided to play hardball in my quest to get reasonable classroom temperatures. I applied for jobs at Pima over the weekend, and then found out from a colleague who works there that there are huge cuts coming in the fall. They are closing one of the campuses and looking to place the people that will be ousted. They are not hiring AT ALL. However I think she might be talking about full-time faculty positions, which I don't have a shot at anyway. What I want is adjunct faculty positions teaching math classes. The website says they are hiring for that. So I can still hope.
Anyway I sent the principal and assistant principal an email yesterday morning stating that I had applied for some jobs over the weekend and they might be receiving some calls. Lo and behold, dear blog, the assistant principal was in the room at least three times checking on the temperature. Someone was up in the ceiling with a ladder by third period. I went to the back of the room, where the vents are, while he was up there. I felt cooler air coming out almost immediately. I asked him what he had done. He said he closed the valve. It took him all of 5 minutes. He said now you won't have anything coming in at all. I said GREAT! He explained a little bit about what is wrong with the system and why it's only our classroom that is suffering. It turns out the heating system turns on based on the temperature outside the school instead of inside the classroom. How stupid is that?
A little later, both the principal and assistant principal came in and came directly to me. The assistant principal says he has an update, and that they had bypassed the heating system entirely. He said it might get kind of cold in the room. I said I can always put MORE clothes on. I don't mind the cold! I am really hoping that this morning when I walk in, I won't feel like it's summer in Tucson and I'm walking straight into an open oven. We'll see. I wish they had done it sooner because now I am getting sick, and I am almost certain that walking in and out of the extreme temperatures is what did it. I was coughing that barky cough each time I walked from the hot room into the cold outside. I told the school nurse, who also knows about my bipolar and my immune system deficiency. Now the cough hurts and my chest feels compressed. Stupid bastards.
In other news, my Mac completely died. It won't turn on at all. All of my budget information is in there. Now I am really making a mess with my finances, because I need to start over and I don't want to do the work. I am using my work laptop. I am spending money based on my federal tax refund that should be coming but hasn't made its anticipated appearance. Ugh!!!

I spent.

I taught at Pima today until noon, and then tutored from 5 - 7. I treated myself to a pedicure. It wasn't a good pedicure, which pisses me off because it was $25 which is probably cheap... I don't know. My feet are not any smoother than they were when I went in. Anyway my toes look nice, which is good because I am wearing flip-flops in my classroom in order to bear the heat. I covered one of the vents with a posterboard and duct tape, and the classroom cooled down to below 80, but by the afternoon it was back up past 80 and it didn't matter. I told my co-teacher we need to both call in sick or something, until they fix it, and she said "I'm not that dramatic." So, I think this might be the last straw. I'm sick of working in a profession that is so pathetically undervalued. The state is talking about cutting the capital part of the education budget, which means even less money for things like building maintenance and desks. I have a fucking master's degree and I am making the same salary that Leslie will be making when she starts her job at the U of A bursar's office on Monday. None of that would matter if I felt like I was making a difference in the world, but the bottom line is that I spend about half my time babysitting because the kids don't give a shit and either they have no parents, or their parents don't care either. The other half the time I do teach, and sometimes I make a difference, and that used to be enough. But I am just fed up. So I am putting feelers out. I want to teach adults who are going back to school in an effort to change or better their careers. I think community college might be my best bet. I'm looking.

3rd job

I have a third job for a while - about 2 months, I think. Last Spring, I went to a little eggs n' hash browns type place to eat. I was there by myself, grading papers. The waitress asked me about the papers and I told her I taught math. She said she was in school to be a teacher (she wants Kindergarten, ugh) and that the math was really getting in her way. I gave her my number and told her if she ever wanted tutoring, I would charge $15/hour and teach her the math.
A couple of weeks ago she called me out of the blue. Her program is coming to an end and she still hasn't passed this test she needs called the Praxis. I would say the test goes up to about 8th grade math.
I looked at her test, and listened to her talk about the problems she had the most difficulty with, and asked questions until I understood what was blocking her progress. Well, to be quite honest, this poor woman has zero number sense. So I told her that if she felt at any point that I was condescending to her, let me know right away, and I began at the beginning. I drew her a picture of the number line and I could SEE her panic coming up. We talked about what she already knew, and I gave her lots and lots of positive feedback until she relaxed. I told her some things that I said would make sense the more we studied, but for now she just needed to accept these things as facts. Things like, there are as many numbers on the number line between 0 and 1 as there are on the entire number line from negative to positive infinity. Then we talked about our base 10 number system, and I showed her how the names of the place values correspond to the number of times you multiply or divide by 10. It took a lot of patience and a LOT of smiling and telling her she was fine so that she would relax. That will go away as time goes by and she sees that she is safe with me. Safety is a big issue here and it appears that's in no small part due to her idiot husband. He happened to be in the kitchen while I was talking about base 10. I was talking about money, since that is the best example of base 10 in our culture. I asked her what I would have if I broke up a dollar into ten equal pieces, what would I be holding in my hand. She had NO IDEA. It wasn't because she is that dumb. It was because she was panicking. I just slowed down, asked the question a couple of different ways, and waited. Well her dumbass husband, while she's thinking, walks by and says, "This isn't hard, babe!!!" in a nasty tone and with a frustrated look on his face. My head must have whipped around pretty fast and I probably didn't have a very nice look on my face, but all I said was, "She's thinking, it's ok..." in a really gentle tone. Whatever look I gave him inspired him to disappear for the rest of the session. I told her straight up that she needs support from him. She justified and made excuses, but I told her and that's all I can do. If I get the chance I will straighten his ass out.
I left her with homework and we set up the next appointment.
Attitudes and beliefs about math are so much a bigger problem than math itself. People have this idea that they should just be able to do it. That they should be able to look at something once and understand it. This is wrong. It's a belief that I blame on the male scientific community and the patriarchy in general. Here's why: Our school system was designed for white males. Since the inception of our educational history, the people privileged enough to move forward in their education have been the ones that take the least amount of time to understand the hard sciences. These (still) happen to be white males, and this is NOT a coincidence. It takes only a little bit of investigation to realize that it is a FACT that white males get more attention, more preferential seating, more help, and more encouragement than any other subgroup. FACT. They get more out of every teacher, regardless of gender or race of the teacher, than any other subgroup. Our patriarchy in action. Additionally, this population tends to be more privileged in general, having parent(s) that are available to help them, access to tutoring and other resources, and a structured household that values education. They have books, and parents/siblings that read, and have been learning an educated vocabulary their entire lives.
My best response to women (and it's always women) who display these beliefs is to turn in back on what they are good at. I said to this woman, "I would never expect to be able to go into your restaurant, watch you wait tables for a while, and then get up and do it myself without making any mistakes. I would expect a complete disaster." She nodded and I could see a little bit of understanding coming into her eyes. I said, "That is a learned skill that I don't have. So you have got to take it easy on yourself and give it some time. I will help you and you will be successful at this. But you can't have the expectation that it's going to come just like that." I could see her shoulders relax. It was awesome.
She only has a month left before she has to take the test again, and if she fails it this time, they have to pull her out of her program and she has to wait for the next available opening. Stupid University of Phoenix. She should have called me earlier but I know how hard it is to ask for help. After she takes and passes the Praxis, she has to take and pass the AEPA a month later.
My financial bottom line: This is an extra $30 - $45 per week for the next couple of months. YAY!!! And it's almost effortless. Adults are so easy to tutor. They do the work, they follow directions, and they try their best. If they don't understand something, they are usually able to articulate it. So it's like getting money for say, running errands, but it's even better because it's rewarding!
Anyway I am blogging instead of writing IEP's, planning for teaching at Pima this Saturday, and exercising. I have way too much to do in the next few days, and not enough time or energy to get it all done. I have to be careful because of my recent mood episode not to overdo it. Eh, it will work out. It always does. My co-teacher was not resentful. She was just glad I was back. The blower in the classroom is putting out a jetstream of 90 degree air. It is absolutely miserable in there. I told the kids that their parents need to call the district office and complain, because my pleas for help certainly aren't getting us anywhere. I really don't understand what the problem is. It's nice outside. All they have to do is block the vent. Oh hey, that gives me an idea... if I get there today and it's still blowing hot air, I'm going to duct tape posterboard over it. Oh, that is totally what I'm going to do. I'll keep you updated, dear blog.

PS

I probably will lose a friend, but it will be my choice. He's been one of my best friends for 5 years... he's the guy I co-taught with in Vail. He taught me about special education. We never lost touch. Yesterday on Facebook (which I really should have been staying away from, but I don't know, I couldn't stop with the interwebs) he asked me if I was off work. I said yes, I was having a really hard time. He asked why, and I said I don't think I ever told you the extent of my mental illness. He said that I hadn't. I thought for a second, and then said, I have bipolar. He said, and I quote, "Gee, you could have fooled me! LOL" I didn't say anything. He said something about you have to laugh at life. I said yeah I laugh at my disease all the time, but not when it's winning. Then I went offline.
I never want to speak to him again.

My Wishes

I learned how to make the sugar-free creamer! I put 3 cups 1% milk, 1 cup heavy cream, 12 sweet n' low packets, and a dollop of vanilla. It tastes better than the store-bought one. I wonder if there is such thing as caramel extract? Oh!! There is sugar-free caramel syrup! I will try it next time. YUM.
I got my state tax refund just in time to avoid overdrawing my account when my car insurance comes out. I hate this out-of-control feeling. I feel almost like I'm back to square one, but really I'm not because I do have some emergency funds, and I do have a budget that is workable, and when I get my federal return I'll be in good shape. I am afraid that I will go on a shopping binge... especially after this last depression. With my disease, there tends to be an equal and opposite swing for every time I go up or down. If I go into a mania, then there is a good chance I'll spend. But this time might be different because the depression was caused by the change in meds. We'll see what happens. Next week I'll start an intensive outpatient program that is supposed to help me develop skills to better manage my moods on my own, when I find them swinging around. Dr. Saeed says this might help because I am compliant with my treatment and those are the patients that are usually able to learn these new skills. It's called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I don't know, it sounds kind of tree-huggy but if Dr. Saeed says it will help then I will try it.
I have called in sick the last 2 days, and I think my co-teacher is resentful. It doesn't help that our classroom is still 85 degrees. She was taking the classes down to the auditorium and other places to escape the heat, which to me is a very bad idea, but I wasn't there so I can't judge. I just know that change of venue is a really bad idea with my SPED kids because they tend to lose all control of their behavior.
I wish I could tell the people at work how dangerous it is when I am unstable, without fear of stigmatism. People hear the word "bipolar" and they think, oh my god, that person is crazy and is not to be trusted! And that kind of attitude is even worse when you're a teacher. I wish I could make them understand that I am aware of when I am unstable and I know what to do when it happens, and that includes calling in sick because my mood is out of control. I wish I didn't have this disease but wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up. I don't tell them what is wrong. I just say I can't function yet, I need another day. This has happened twice this school year, and both times it took 2 days. It doesn't seem like such a crime to me. Maybe I am paranoid. Scratch that, I KNOW I am paranoid.
But, I do know that I make people mad and I hurt their feelings when I am in the bowels of my disease. I don't know when I'm doing it. It happens when I'm not me. I just see people withdraw from me and I don't even want to ask what I did anymore because it hurts to know I am behaving badly and I can't control it. When I am functioning, my social skills are normal (I think). But when I'm having a hard time, I think they just kind of go away. I lose empathy and I lose the ability to consider others' feelings before I act. At least I think that's what happens. I don't really know. I think people get frustrated because they can talk to me, and I can sort of make sense, and they see that I can talk and communicate and walk around so they don't understand why I can't go to work or go out or behave normally or function socially. How do I explain? I can't. I just have to keep apologizing, when I am Melissa again, and hope that they let it go. I don't know what else to do besides apologize. The truth is, when I am in that state, I don't give a shit what happens with other people or situations. I think, work still runs when I'm not there. People still have their own lives when I'm not there. Deal with it. Because I can't right now. I don't want to be alive. I do things like drink all day long or take extra pills. I do whatever I have to do to escape. I probably say things that are offensive or insensitive. It doesn't help that I often can't even remember conversations I had with other people when I was not myself. I don't call anyone until I am on the brink of disaster, because even in my pathetic state of disorder, I know that talking to people = consequences.
Well it feels better to get this all down in writing. The fact is I had an episode and now I'm me again and I have to deal with the consequences of the episode. It's scary... I never know what to expect. Who did I piss off? Who did I frighten? Will I lose a friend? Who will be avoiding me? Have I ruined my relationship with the person of the opposite sex that I have been trying to be with? Is my family still speaking with me? This part is absolutely not paranoia... these are all things that have happened following a significant episode.
You know another thing that is scary? Terrifying, actually. The older I get, the further my disease progresses. What will my life be like in another 10 years? Will I even be alive? Or will I have had an episode that was so bad I didn't make it to the other side?
My children ask me if they are at risk for mental illness. I have to tell them yes. It's the truth. The look on their faces hurts so much. What if at some point I get so crazy that they won't take care of me anymore? What if I turn into my Grandmother, and I am so hurtful that they hire someone to put up with me so they won't have to? I wouldn't blame them... if I get abusive, then I don't want them around. Them or anyone else I love.
And now, I shall begin to count my blessings, because that always helps. I shall also put on my gear and run/walk, because that always helps. I shall go to work, smile and be thankful that I am me again. And I shall wait for the next round. Because it's coming, and there is not a goddamn thing anyone can do about it.

Definitely off track.

A few things are awry right now. The most damaging thing is that my rent and my big credit card payment both come out of one check. My check is big enough for that but there is nothing left for gas, food, necessities. So I have had to dig in to my emergency fund. That made me feel hopeless and I spent money on things like the $6/bottle anti-cavity mouthwash I kind of need but have been doing without, junk food, restaurants, etc. My saving grace is a somewhat healthy tax return which I can use to finish my emergency fund, pay off the small B of A loan, and leave enough cushion to float through those 1st of the month paychecks. Now I am done typing as I have to hunt and peck due to cutting my fingers quite badly whilst trying to make soup with a hangover.

Ach, the frustration!!

Everything seems to be happening so slowly. I had $690 in my emergency fund and last weekend I took $90 to go out with Leslie and have fun. I blew the rest of it on fast food. I don't begrudge doing it much, because I only have so much restraint, and it's better to just take some out and have some fun than deny myself and end up going crazy and spending all of it on stuff I want but don't need. I suspected, when I read Ramsey's assertion that most people can get the emergency fund saved in a couple of months, that I wouldn't fit into that category. I just don't make enough money and I don't have anything else to sell. I already have two jobs and now I am going to start tutoring a woman who is trying to escape waitressdom by going to school but she can't get through the math by herself. I'll probably charge her $10 an hour. Every little bit helps.
I just have to be patient. The money from Vince is helping a ton, but at least half of it is going to my budget, to make up for the parts that just weren't realistic when I set the first amounts. For example the $150 for groceries just isn't realistic, given that makeup, laundry detergent, cleaning supplies, etc. comes out of that money. I had budgeted $60 for gas and that wasn't enough... it's more like $80 or $90 with gas prices so high.
Right now I have $1700 coming in my federal tax returns. I am waiting for something from the U of A because I got some fellowship money when I finished my master's this past summer. But I think I might have been taxed on it last year. If I don't get something from them today I'll go ahead and file. With that money I can finish my emergency fund and start my debt snowball. My debt snowball is different from how Ramsey says to do it because I signed up with ACCC. I have decided to pay off the small B of A loan, then the car, then the Hughes credit card that is in Mom's name. Those are the ones that are not included in the ACCC account. Then withdraw from the ACCC program and pay off those 4 accounts, smallest to largest. Then I can tackle my student loans. Freaking $40,000 of student loans... I feel like I will never pay them off before I die, and maybe I won't.

Wow.

A change I haven't been able to make: putting milk and sugar in my coffee instead of the creamer or hot chocolate. Can't do it, and want to use the sugar-free creamer because I use less of it than milk.
I don't have to think about how many times I am eating fast food because I can spend the "restaurant" money on that and when it's gone, it's gone. I just know I'm not going very often at all and it may indeed be once every other week. Probably it's more like once a week.
I have been scrimping on water and electricity and clipping coupons religiously.
I haven't given up my smart phone for a cheaper plan. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.
Vince came home and yesterday he brought a ton of food home. Now I just need a few things and I will be able to stay within the budget I set for groceries. WAY exciting.
My paycheck was big because I got my sub pay for last quarter. The money went directly to my emergency fund and now I am more than halfway to my goal of $1,000.00. Unbelievable. I am current on all my debt.
It looks like bankruptcy is not necessary, and now that I am not paying fees and my interest rates are about 1.5%, I no longer feel like I shouldn't have to pay the money back.
I haven't had any trouble dedicating the time I need to work on the budget. I have been checking my bank balance every day but once I saw that the credit card payments had been disbursed by ACCC and I am current on everything, I stopped checking those every day.
So, progress report. I started the Total Money Makeover one month and 2 days ago. In that time, I have accomplished the following:
Become current on all my debt.
Saved a little more than half of my $1,000 emergency fund.
Made a budget and did a really great job considering it's the first month.
Completely and totally changed my attitude about money.
Incredible. What a blessing.

the coffee

The ground coffee I bought doesn't taste bad at all, but I am still going to Costco this weekend to buy a big bag of beans. It is more economical than the ground coffee - I think - I am going to see how long a bag lasts and then I will know which one to buy.
Last night when I went with the girls to see the president, I went straight from work and had to stop for dinner. Since I had commanded the girls to go, I thought I should buy their dinner too. Since we were already at Beyond Bread, that's what we got... we were catching the bus from there, so we couldn't drive through any place. The bus cost $9.00 for the 3 of us. I spent the rest of my spending, grocery, and $10 of my gas money on the sandwiches and bus. Right now all I have in my envelopes is $10 for gas which I need to use today. The good news is I'm halfway through the month, I get paid tonight and still have $30 for groceries, $10 for restaurants, $20 for gas, and $20 for spending coming out of this paycheck. I just might make it on what I budgeted. Probably I will have to adjust it, especially for groceries, but overall I think things are going pretty good for my first month of my first attempt at a budget. If I get the sub pay I am expecting, my paycheck should be quite a bit larger than normal, so I can fit the adjustments in and then put whatever is left toward my emergency fund.
Ramsey says that if you make $20,000 a year or less, you should have $500 in your emergency fund. Otherwise put $1,000. Last year I made somewhere around $33,000. I wonder if I should stop my emergency fund at $750 or so since I am not making that much more than what he considers very low wages.

Also

I had to buy ground coffee instead of beans. I'm really pissed about it.

Patience!

This whole process is going to take a long time and I will have to be patient. At some point I hope I will stop feeling the need to check my account balances almost every day. I should only need to spend time on my finances twice a month, when I get paid.
One of my B of A accounts does not qualify for my debt reduction program because the balance on the account is less than $500. Stupid!
My laptop is seriously on its last legs. It's going to give out and I will be unhappy. I will feel deprived and I might get desperate and crazy and do whatever it takes to get a new mac.
My FSA debit card finally came so I don't have to front cash for my prescriptions for a while.
My cash is going fine so far. I didn't budget enough for groceries though. I have about $50 for the rest of the month and it's only the 9th!

2 things

First, it is really difficult to adjust to this cash thing. I had no idea. On my cash flow sheet, I will have about $50 in my bank account from tomorrow until my next paycheck on the 14th. When I look at it, I have instant anxiety. Nearly 2 weeks without any money?? How will I manage? I have to remind myself that I have cash in envelopes for all the things I will need between now and then. My gas, groceries, restaurants, and misc envelopes all have sufficient money in them (I think) to get me through the next 2 weeks. Total change of mentality! It's going to take some getting used to. I worry that I will forget about the cash and use my debit card. I think I will put the debit card into a pocket in my wallet so that if I go to use it, it won't be there and I will remember to use the cash.
Second, I am spending a LOT of time on this. I'm pretty sure that after a few months, it won't take so much effort to make sure I have everything in order. I just don't see myself devoting the time that is necessary to keep it all straight after I start work again tomorrow. Typically I am so tired when I get home that I really don't do anything except eat dinner and watch TV for 3 hours or so before I go to bed. We'll see what happens. If everything goes according to plan, I won't have to do anything for the next 2 weeks, until I get paid again.

Right on schedule.

My paycheck was bigger than expected because my salary increase for my master's degree finally went through. Yay! I hadn't taken that into account. So my paycheck is $100 bigger! Everything else is going exactly as scheduled. When I go on the ACCC website, it looks like none of my creditors have accepted my payment plan. I'm not sure what will happen with that.
I am withdrawing cash today to put in my envelopes for the first time. I'm struggling with how to make the budget mix with the cash flow. In other words I can't withdraw all my cash at the same time, so how will I keep track of how much to put in each envelope the 2nd time I withdraw? I'm sure I can figure it out but it is kind of nerve wracking to try to look at the numbers when I feel like I am speculating. Just adjusting to keeping a budget I guess. I should re-read the TMM chapter on budgeting.

A little relief

Some good things happening the past few days. Before the first CCCS transfer, which will freeze my credit card accounts, I cashed in my reward points. I got a $25 target card. This means I can finally get some groceries. I haven't been starving, don't get me wrong, but I haven't had the things I normally eat. No cheese, no milk, no cereal. So the Target down the street has groceries and that's where I am headed today. If I am careful I should be able to get everything I need, plus stuff for Christmas dinner tonight with my kids. Yay! Then, I finally got reimbursed for my medical expenses, from my FSA. The debit card never came, so I had been paying for my medical since the account started in August. I got a substantial deposit into my checking account so I immediately made payments to the one remaining credit card that was past due, and my student loans which were past due. Now I am current on everything. CCCS told me that if I was current when the program went into effect, the credit card companies might reverse the late fees and such that they had been charging me the past month especially since it's the first time I have been past due. I really hope that's true but I doubt it. I do believe it's better for my credit in the long run if I am current when the program begins, and also the TMM book says that getting current is the very first thing I should do.
If there is any extra in my budget from this point forward, it will go toward the $650 I still need for my emergency fund. Then, I can finally begin the debt snowball. I am giving up the bankruptcy idea for now, but it's always an option if I find that I can't do the debt snowball because I just don't have enough money.
I got my hair done with my Christmas money which was so nice. I will have some extra pay in the middle of January for the days I subbed during my planning period. I will have one Pima paycheck and it will be just a tiny bit bigger than normal because of parent orientation night on January 5th. Somehow, some way, this program seems to be working.