The Time, it Flies!

I spent an hour Saturday morning grading notebooks and then another hour before work on Monday. Sunday I spent about half an hour finalizing the lunch detention list for Monday.
Weekend: 2.5 hours
Monday: 7:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. = 9.5 hours
Tuesday: 7:00 a.m. - 4:45 p.m. = 9.25 hours
Total hours: 198.75 (150 contract hours)
Total days: 20
Average hours per day: 9 hrs 56 min
Today we have our short school day and 2 hours of "professional development" after school. Then a parent meeting which hopefully won't take long, and we're leaving straight from there. I'm slowly getting some papers graded. I think it's finally safe to re-do the seating charts and have them last for a while... the schedule changes are done, I hope. I have the kids taking a test on Friday. I will have to try again to grade notebooks now that I led the classes through the process of writing their first and last names, the period, and the words "math notebook" in permanent marker on the outside of their notebooks. It's pure babysitting sometimes. Two of my classes are being sufficiently naughty that they don't get to work in partners. They just have to sit and listen to me lecture, take some notes and then try to struggle their way through the problems, since they won't let me teach. I will have to keep doing that until I see some sign of maturity from the boys and cooperation from the girls. It makes teaching easier but man, is it bad for their learning. Hopefully it won't last long.

Friday Night and I'm Blogging

I have 139.75 hours as of Monday. On Tuesday I worked 7:00 - 5:30 = 10 hours and Wednesday 7:30 - 5:30 = 9.5 hours. Yesterday (Thursday) I worked 7:00 - 4:00 = 8.5 hours, and today 7:00 - 4:45 = 9.25 hrs. I had to push it to get out by then because my carpool buddy would have stayed longer. We packed up our things and left, knowing we would finish on the weekend. I am grading notebooks, despite the upcoming schedule changes, because I need to give the kids some feedback. I guess I will have to spend time re-entering grades for the ones whose schedules change, but it's been 3 weeks and they need a grade on something!! Anything!! I am planning a test for Friday, so between the notebook grade and the test grade I think I will be putting out a pretty accurate progress report, which is due at the end of next week. I'm not sure how the other teachers are dealing with grades because nobody I have talked to has yet to enter any. It's a mess.
Total hours: 177.5
Total days: 18
Hours per day: 9 hrs 51 min

Working Dumb

I'm not working smart. I can't say I am entirely to blame, but if I was doing more thinking ahead, my life would have been easier the past few weeks. The principal at my school is very disorganized and makes decisions on the fly, which leads to a lot of chaos. However, I know this about her, so usually when she sends down a mandate I ignore it until I'm sure someone is following up on it. The problem has been with grading. I had set up my gradebook and was trying to enter enough grades so that the kids would have an idea about how they are doing. Feedback is really important for the kids because they get a feeling for how much effort they need to put in. I had entered a test and 2 assignments. Almost all of my students failed the test. Most of them did well on the assignment. Then, schedules started changing. The principal is trying so hard to balance the classes and make every class less than 30. This is a first for me and I support her 100%. But when she said she was going to do that, I ignored it as so much bullshit. I entered grades, and invested time in the seating charts. Incredibly enough, it is actually happening. It's absolute chaos. I never know who is going to be on my roster. Taking attendance every day is such an adventure, and the time I have invested in grading and seating charts is lost forever! I threw all the papers away and gave up on the grading. (The grades don't follow the kids when they change classes, so it's an exercise in futility to try.)
Instead of spending time on that, I have been cleaning my room, organizing materials and all the stuff that keeps popping up in my box, some of which I need and most of which I don't. My room and my desk are a lot more organized and clean. That's a good thing.
Yesterday the attendance clerk sent out an email saying the master schedule was going to change, which means teachers' schedules are changing. One of the teachers was crying in the office after school because she has to stop teaching reading because she is not qualified, so they are moving her to 8th grade science, for which she is also not qualified. (They are trying to make her quit.) Teachers are having social studies and math and reading classes added to their day just like that, and everyone is pretty upset. Teachers like me are the ones that benefit... all of my classes are below 30 now, for the first time in my 7 years of teaching.
I have my hours written down but will have to log them later. It's time to get ready for work.

I'm OK!!!

One of my 2 readers pointed out that paid vs. unpaid hours is a very negative way of looking at things, and I have to agree. I will start referring to contract hours vs. non-contract hours.
It's not that I expect a 7.5 hour workday. I think 9 hours is reasonable. I don't think that more than 9 hours combined with work on the weekends is reasonable - not for what I'm being paid, anyway.
One of the things I am after is finding out exactly how many extra hours pile up during the school year. Are they enough to make up for 2 months of vacation? If I average all the hours out at the end of the school year, how many 8- hour workdays will there be? That is one of the questions I want to answer.
All that being said, I am not unhappy or bitter. That is not why I am keeping track of my hours. I tried like crazy to find a job in the public sector this past summer. It didn't work out. I was so dreading going back, and I find that I'm quite happy to be back with my team and spending my day with kids again.
I can enjoy the good parts of teaching and distance myself from the parts that are frustrating. Part of letting go of my anger at all these extra hours is keeping track, so that at the end of the year, I can find out if my anger was justified. In the past years I have really been frustrated and angry at the end of a really long week. Putting it down on the blog and seeing it in writing helps me look at it and say, wow! That's a lot of hours! Then let it go.
Now, I have spent all morning farting around instead of working on my seating charts. Maybe I'll just pile the desks in the corner and have them sit on the floor. haha!!

Best day ever!!

Today I learned that the district won't approve another teacher for our school, and there is no way to get my class sizes down to manageable unless we put the SPED kids with the SPED teacher, in her own classroom. This is good news because I've been doing her work and my work because she has never taught middle school OR math. I'm pretty much drowning in work! So she will have to sink or swim and now I can get caught up. I should probably feel bad since she is going to be struggling and her students will not have a fair chance at success, but I can't keep doing everything for both of us.
Tuesday 8/23 7:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. = 8.5 hours, 1.5 unpaid, 30 minute meeting after school with parent about kid who isn't doing any work and is robbing the rest of the class of at least 10 instructional minutes every single day, and an hour doing seating chart and rearranging the desks.

Long day.

Yesterday (Sunday) I spent about 5 hours on grading and organizing test data so I can group the students effectively. I finished the data sorting this morning and started importing it into the seating chart software I bought. It cost $6 for the first year so I'm going to try it. Once I input all the student information, the program will take the information about the students and group them according to my specifications. I can put relationships in there, so say I have two kids who talk constantly and need to be seated apart. I can put a negative relationship between the two of them and the software will make sure that they never sit together. I can put positive relationships between kids who work well together as well. I can make sure kids get seated in the front or in the back, and I can "glue" kids to the same seat if I want them there permanently. (Comes in useful for the naughty chair.) Setting up the program is time-consuming but it's an investment because when I need to change the seating chart, for the rest of the year I can just push "place students" and get a new one, with all the rotten eggs still separated from each other.
Sunday: about 5 hours throughout the day
Monday: 7:00 - 5:30 = 10 hours, 3 unpaid grading, cleaning, doing seating software and answering emails.
Running total: 93 paid, 38.25 unpaid. 

"But what do you DO all day?"

That is a question that comes up often for a teacher. They want to know what we DO that we have to spend all this time unpaid doing things. It's an easy but long-winded question to answer. These are all the things required for the gradebook:
A minimum of 1 grade entered per week
A minimum of 3 assessments per quarter
Specific, meaningful feedback on every student's paper
Now you might think 1 grade per week, big whoop. Here's the thing: Students need to do math homework every night. Not much, just think about what they learned that day for 5 minutes or so. I give them one problem a night. Every Monday, they turn in homework with answers to five questions. These are thinking questions, which require complete sentences and showing work for their examples. About half my students turn in homework, so that is around 75 papers to grade. I would say it takes about an  hour to grade all the homework. That's 45 seconds per page.
Students need to have more than 1 paper returned each week in order for them to know how they are doing in class. So in addition to grading the homework, I need to grade classwork too. The kids keep a notebook with their bellwork and classwork, so I grade the notebooks. There are around 150 notebooks to grade, one for each student, and that is pretty quick because it is graded on completion, not accuracy. However, when there are 150 of them, that's not quick. It takes at least 20 minutes per class, so that's an hour - about 24 seconds per notebook.
We have a quiz or test about once every 10 school days. These are the biggies. They take FOREVER to grade because multiple choice is OK for about half the questions, but the others need to be performance-based answers. This means reading what they wrote, checking their work, and providing specific, meaningful feedback. It takes about 30 minutes to grade each period's quizzes, times 5, so that's 2.5 hours - 60 seconds per quiz or test.
Then, after the grading is done, the grades need to be entered into the online gradebook so that parents and students can access their grades (required). This is quick but it adds up when you have over 150 students.
All together that is an average of about 4.5 hours a week, just grading and entering grades.That's not counting having to look up the periods and last names of the kids who are too clueless to realize they are probably not the only Jose or Maria I have in my 5 class periods. (They get dinged points for that. It's so freaking frustrating they can't bother to write out their last name and by 7th grade they haven't got in the habit of doing it.)
I mentioned in my last post that we have 1.5 hours per day to do things not related to actual teaching. That's 7.5 hours all together per week. Four of them are gone - just grading.
One day per week we are required to spend 50 minutes with our content area, planning. There goes that.
We are required to make 5 positive parent contacts per week. I do postcards because if I try to make phone calls, parents want to talk and talk. Every day, there are probably 2 students who display behavior sufficiently stupid enough to warrant a parent phone call. (Last week a student dug a hole in the wall probably 2 inches long , an inch wide, and a half inch deep. The student was in time out for answering a math question I had asked the class by calling out "Doo doo.") Parents call in or email every now and then to find out how their kid is doing or complain about my homework/classwork policies. Those have to be attended to within 24 hours, required by the principal. I would say about 30 minutes per week is spent on parent contact, and that's a lowball estimate.
That leaves 2 hours and 10 minutes to do everything else. We have to write the daily objective on the board every day, along with the vocabulary and language objective. We have to write the bellwork every day. (Bellwork is absolutely required.) We have to make copies. We have to do 5 days worth of lesson plans, and lesson planning alone takes at least 4 hours every week because the template we are required to use is ridiculously long and detailed. We have to find resources for the lessons because the textbooks are woefully inadequate and don't meet the state standards. We have to upload our lesson plans to the school website so they can be scrutinized or duplicated by whomever wishes to do so.We have to clean our classroom counters, desks, and sinks because all the custodians have to do is clean the floor and empty the trash. We have to get the supplies out for class, be it markers, scissors, protractors, or whatnot. We have to go through the textbooks and erase or white out all the penis drawings, gang tags, and curse words.At least once a week, one of the administrators wants to have a meeting for this or that. We have team meetings with parents whose kids are acting like idiots on a regular basis. There are a thousand other things that teachers need to do. 2 hours and 10 minutes? Yeah, right.
You might be asking, "But what about during class? Can't you get any of this done while the kids are working on their own? Why, when I was a kid, the teacher sat and drank coffee and read the newspaper while we slaving away doing our work." You need to understand this: Teaching is not like that anymore. If EVER an administrator comes in and we are sitting at our desk, we hear about it. We HAVE to be monitoring the kids every single minute of every class. I would be doing that anyway because I teach all the lowest kids, academically speaking. Their level of independence is about zero. At any given time, if I try to have them work on their own, there are about 5 hands in the air. (If you keep your hand up, you have an excuse for not doing any work. "Miss, I was waiting for you to help me!") When they take a test, teachers are expected to be walking around, monitoring. I am not kidding you. If someone walks in and sees you doing anything else, you WILL hear about it. They visit at least once a day, by the way.
I could be a shitty teacher and leave some of this out. But you tell me, what have I said above that isn't required but also isn't necessary in order for me to teach effectively? 
Having unloaded that, here are the rest of the stats for this week:
Tuesday: 7 a.m. - 5 p.m. = 9.5 hours, 2.5 unpaid.
Wednesday: 6:45 a.m. - 5:15 p.m. = 10 hours, 3 hours unpaid. (2 paid hours spent in a stupid meeting with all the math teachers in the school, designing a unit for the district, which they proceeded to throw out yesterday, saying it was inadequate. We're only teachers, what the fuck do we know about what the kids need to learn?)
Thursday: 7 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. = 9 hours, 2 unpaid (15 minute meeting before school about tutoring.)
Friday: 7 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. = 9 hours, 2 unpaid (10 minute meeting before school about how they were throwing out the curriculum unit mentioned above. Great way to start the day.)
Today I need to do my lesson plans and grade homework and quizzes, so it will be about 6 hours but I will have to post on that next time.
Weekly total: 35 paid, 17.75 unpaid = 52.75 hours this week.
Running total: 84 paid, 35.25 unpaid. Keep in mind, this was the 2nd week of school. Teachers got it easy, right?

A Social Experiment

I don't know if that is the right thing to call it, but I am going to start a new project. I am going to try to turn my blog into a running tally of hours actually worked teaching this school year. I am also going to include information about what the unpaid hours were spent doing, and possibly details about why they were necessary.
A few things non-teachers need to be aware of:
1. Our contract provides for 211 paid days of work. The work day is 7 hours and 30 minutes long, including lunch, so each day there are 7 hours of actual paid work.
2. The contract day begins at 7:45 and ends at 3:30. The kids start at 8:10 and leave at 3:30. We have 50 minutes of prep time, leaving us an hour and a half each day to do work non-related to actual teaching.
3. 211 x 7 = 1477, so dividing my annual salary by that number, I make just shy of $23.70/hr. (This is assuming the bond election in November passes, and there are no furlough days added to the calendar. There may be as many as 5.)
Teachers started work on Thursday, August 5th, so that is where I will begin.

Thursday 8/4: 7:30 - 4:00 = 8 work hours, 1 unpaid traveling from school to the stupid casino and back for the annual kickoff (how did they pay for that??).
Friday 8/5: 7:00 - 4:30 = 8.5 work hours, 1.5 unpaid getting classroom ready.(Working lunch, gee thanks principal. We were excused at 2:30 so that we could come back from 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. for the parent-teacher meet and greet.)
Total: 13.5 paid, 2.5 unpaid = 16

Sunday 8/7: 1:00 - 4:00 = 3 unpaid, writing syllabus and week 1 homework.
Monday 8/8: 6:30 - 4:00 = 2 unpaid getting classroom ready, as we were provided 1.5 hours to do so.
Tuesday 8/9: (first day for the kids) 6:30 - 4:00 = 2 unpaid making copies, teaching co-teacher how to do today's math, and trying desperately to finish making the classroom presentable. The custodians left yesterday at 2:00 p.m. and they had not emptied the trash or cleaned the desks, which were still dirty from the end of last school year.
Wednesday 8/10: 7:30 -5:00, 2 unpaid hanging posters (required by principal), finding supplies needed for the rest of the week, doing health forms for nurse, updating website (required by principal), teaching co-teacher tomorrow's math, making copies.
Thursday 8/11: 7:30 - 4:00: Jury duty. Practically a day off.
Friday 8/12: 7:45 - 3:45, 0.5 unpaid updating website, setting up online gradebook (the program went down halfway through and wiped out everything I had done. Gave up and went to the bar.)
Saturday 8/13: Total 8 unpaid spread out through the day. Read and logged information given by parents on syllabus signature form, added parent emails to online address book, tried to set up online gradebook and data was wiped out again when the program went down.The syllabus part takes a long time because we have about 150 students.
Week total: 49 paid, 17.5 unpaid = 66.5

Sunday 8/14: 6 hours throughout the day. Successfully set up grade book, hooray!
Monday 8/15: 7:00 - 4:45 = 9.25 hours, 2.25 unpaid grading papers and organizing signature sheets from each student's agenda (required by principal).

My Daughter, the Free Thinker

My youngest daughter was over recently to get some help with a car deal she has going on. I made her some food, she turned on the nickelodeon cartoons, (I guess they won't outgrow it) and we spent some time together. Sometimes I have conversations with my daughters that make me think, DAMN!!!! I did all right! This is one of those:

E: Mom. Do you think I am weird because I think the Women's Plaza of Honor is a stupid idea?
Me: What the heck is that?
E: We went there during class the other day. It's this plaza, and it has flowers and benches and stuff, and it has stories of women who did different things.
Me: Huh. And you didn't like it?
E: We went to see it and when we were walking away, everyone was saying how great that the U of A did that, and it's so great to see women who did things, and I said Well I think it's stupid. Then everybody looked at me like I was crazy and I said, Why should it have to be because they are women?
Me: That's my girl!! :::clapping:::
E: So I'm not crazy? Because they were all looking at me like I was anti-feminist or something.
Me: No, you are probably the only one that knows what feminism really is.
E: I was trying to explain why I thought it was stupid, and I said that they made it a big deal because they did these great things and EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE WOMEN. (said with eyes wide and dripping with sarcasm.)
Me: That's exactly right. When you single out a group of women and make a big deal about how they made certain accomplishments, that's the patriarchy in action.
E: It's like it was shocking they did important things, we have to make a plaza!
Me: Yep. It is an outright insult, and it's demeaning because what it says is, You are not equal. If you do great things, and you are a woman, you must be recognized separately, because it's not normal for women to do great things. So as long as we keep doing things like this and drawing attention to the fact that these are exceptions to the rule, then our role as women remains "less than."
E: But why didn't anybody else see that? Why were they looking at me like I was crazy?
Me: Because they aren't conscious of the patriarchy. They aren't AWAKE.
E: My professor seemed like he kind of got it. He said hmmm, I see what you are saying.
Me: That's good!

Both of my daughters have told me stories like this - observations they have made that something is ridiculous or insulting, and when they point it out, all they get dumbfounded looks of what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about. So I say keep making those observations! Keep talking them out with people, and keep thinking them through! When you look at something, and your gut says, This isn't right! Keep thinking about it and talking about it until you can articulate what's wrong! If ever there is a time when our culture doesn't notice someone's gender, whether they have or haven't done something remarkable, then we will know we're making progress toward equality.

It's broken, and I can't fix it.

This is an essay I wrote about why I am leaving teaching.

So how'd it go?

I had a job interview yesterday with a company in the private sector, for what seems to be a fairly decent job. It was my first interview in the private sector - I have a ton of interview experience, but it has all been with principals and restaurant managers. I was a little nervous. Six years of teaching + no new clothes = I had better go shopping. I bought a beautiful tan jacket to go with a pair of chocolate brown pants, matching pumps and shell that I already had. I was going to be looking and feeling great!
I went to get ready for the interview, pulled on the beautiful chocolate-brown pants, and the zipper was ripped from top to bottom. My undies were peeking out from either side. Oh boy. I have another pair of brown pants, with ugly copper threads running through them. They are old and worn and 2 sizes too small, but I didn't know what else to do. I squeezed into them and prayed they would stretch out at least enough so that I could breathe.
I finished getting ready right on time. My hair was perfectly coifed, nails trimmed and neat, mascara expertly applied, and with the exception of the pants, I was feeling pretty good. I left the house with my purse, portfolio, keys, and diet coke. I got to the building 5 minutes early for my interview. Perfect. I grabbed my purse and portfolio and reached for my jacket. No jacket.

NO. JACKET.

I can't go in there wearing my spaghetti strap shell, especially since it is holding in a sizable bulge from my pants being too tight.
I panicked for a minute but got it under control. There was a Wal-Mart 3 minutes away. On the drive, I left a message for the interviewer telling him what happened, that I hoped to be back in ten minutes or so, and that I hoped he would still see me. I called my sister and sobbed for a minute and got some reassurance that the world wasn't going to end. I ran into the store, saw a dark brown button-down shirt, yanked it off the hanger and put it on, ripped off the price tag, and RAN to the cashier. She looked at me a little funny, but she rang me up quickly. I RAN back to the car (let's not forget it is 108 degrees outside) and drove back to the building. I was 15 minutes late, but then I couldn't find the suite. A kind gentleman gave me directions, and so all together I was 20 minutes late.
I burst in the door and announced myself. The receptionist gave me a tight, curly smile and said the interviewer had been out a few times to ask for me. Then, the interviewer came around the corner. I can't imagine what I looked like. I had cried off my make-up, and I had been running around in the heat for 20 minutes. I was wearing old, worn-out, too-tight pants and a Wal-mart shirt. Wow. Just.... wow.
The receptionist gave me some paperwork to fill out and offered to get me some cold water. I thanked her, took a fist-full of kleenex off the counter, and sat down to fill out the forms. Sweat was quite literally dripping onto my shirt, my glasses, and the application. I did the best I could to mop it up with the kleenex and tried to slow my breathing. I think the interviewer gave me a couple of extra minutes to compose myself before he called me into his office. I calmed down and finally cooled off, and he started the interview.
He had my resume in front of him and had clearly studied it. His questions were well-thought out and specific to my situation. I've never been good at putting on a show, and when someone asks me a question, I tend to just answer it. This aspect of my personality plus my ability to make sentences out of fancy words makes me a decent interviewee, I think. The guy asked me questions for a good 45 minutes. Some of them were hard questions that really made me think. I had answers for all of them, and he seemed satisfied, so that part was ok.
The next part of the interview was with a panel of 5 people. Two of them were in the position for which I am applying. Then there were some regional managers and I don't know who else. Two people were there in the room with me, and three people were on conference call. Thankfully, the conference room was cool enough to be somewhat chilly after sitting in there for a while. All five people had my resume and the list of questions they wanted to ask. All five had clearly studied the resume. It was shocking. That part of the interview took a full hour. It was absolutely grueling. By the end of the hour, the two people in the room with me had filled up their papers with little scribbles, which is always a good sign. When we were finished, one of them walked me to the lobby and said the main guy wanted to speak with me again.
I waited for a few minutes and the main guy came out to get me. We went back to his office and he asked a couple more questions about restrictions on the hours I work, how I felt about coming in early, etc. He said that he thought I did well and that the team liked me. He had some more candidates to "get through" (his words) and then all the candidates would be ranked, and based on the scores, some would be invited back for a second interview.
I think the interview went well enough to make up for the lateness, and one of my sisters said it was good that I showed up sweaty and panicked because it meant I really did have an emergency. I guess we'll see. Hopefully I will get a call next week and go in for a second interview, because I have a dynamite jacket to wear.

Can't you take a joke?

I grew up hearing those words often. I was a buck-toothed, pudgy, redheaded, overly-sensitive child in a large family. I felt then, as I feel now, that words can be very effectively used as weapons, and when that happens, they hurt. Freckle face, Bugs Bunny, fatso, shorty, carrot-top, etc. were some of the words flung at me on a regular basis at home and at school. I'm sure I did my fair share of the flinging, too, picking out things I thought were funny about people and using them as insults. As with most insults, it's not the words themselves, but the way in which they are used. I remember the words with such clarity because they hurt. Sometimes, they hurt enough to make me cry, and that's when I would hear, "Can't you take a joke?" or, "Geez! Stop being so sensitive!" Those words filled me with anger and shame that I could not articulate then, and I find difficult to articulate now. 

Recently, I have come into communication with a friend from my past. My WAY long ago past. As in, my ex-husband and I used to hang out with this person when we were married and my children were very young. He found me on Facebook (fucking facebook, I hate you but I love you) and sent me a friend request. He reminded me of how we knew each other, and we got caught up a little bit on where we are now. I guess I am quite a bit different now than I was then. Raising two kids, going through college, joining the professional workforce... those are all life-changing events that I have gone through in the past 15 years. He, however, has been through... none. 

We have been exchanging messages every few days, and little things he said at first were irritating to me. Things like, "Wow! I can't believe you got a degree!" Actually, I have two. "Wow! You got a Master's too? That is unbelievable! You should be very proud of yourself!" And on, and on.

Now, on the surface, these things seem benign. But they didn't FEEL benign. They felt condescending. I think if he had just said congratulations, or that's great, it would have been fine. The over-enthusiasm of his response bothered me. Had he held the opinion that I was too stupid to do anything besides give birth and change diapers? Why was he so shocked? Irritating. And the praise... like he was patting me on the head. Ew.

Then something a little bigger happened during a discussion we were having about basketball. He asked if I watched the WNBA as well as the NBA and I said yes, but of course not as often because they don't get much media coverage. Then I made a remark about how great it would be if there weren't men's teams and women's teams - just teams. Well, he just about wet his pants laughing at that. Then he realized I hadn't been joking. He proceeded to tell me that he could explain it to me but all I would do is get mad. I had only one question for him - "Does your reasoning have anything to do with the physical differences between the male and female bodies? Yes or no." He wouldn't answer. I ended that conversation and didn't answer the next few messages from him, hoping he would just go away. 

He didn't go away. The next time he messaged me, I was watching my new favorite show, Through the Wormhole and it was about the concept of time. I asked if he knew that the reason the prime meridian goes through Greenwich is because some dudes got together and decided that's where it should go. (Change of subject, right?) The next message he sent was a link to a website about Greenwich Mean Time. (He HAS to make sure he knows more about it than I do.) Then he says, and I quote: "BTW....check out the conference delegates. They were indeed a bunch of men. Thank goodness..........if the conference had been a bunch of women meetiing they would still be trying to make a decision on where to establich the prime meridian!" 

I eventually responded that he really is very sexist, and I didn't write again. I really hoped he would go away. 

He didn't. His next message talked about how fun it is to tease me, and I wasn't mad at him, was I? I thought about it for a while, and I should probably have just deleted him from my friends list and let that speak for itself, but instead I quoted his words back at him - the part about if the conference had been a bunch of women. I have to quote his reply directly, because really there is just no summarizing it: "You are mad about that? Seeiously? Come on now you know I said that jokingly to tease you. Hello.......yes lost and found? I'm looking for Melissa's sense of humor. It is a really great sense of humor, yes it is the A+ model, yes super deluxe that's right...... Oh you have it?! Super I'll be right over to pick it up for her. Thank you so much!" 

I replied one word: Wow. Then, a day or two later, when I still hadn't written:
"Come on didnt that make you smile even a little? Is it cold in here? Brrrrrrrrr  ? -:)"

I can practically hear his thoughts! "Oh, how cute, she is giving me the cold shoulder! Aww. Well, I'll just keep joking around until she gets the bug out of her ass."

So here is my attempt to articulate why the whole "can't you take a joke" thing makes me so angry. What someone is saying, when they come back at you with that phrase or something similar, is this:

"I should be able to point out something about you that is different from me, and I should be able to use that thing to insult you whenever I feel like it. I might be thinking I am funny, I might be angry at you, I might just be talking. The point is, it shouldn't matter what YOU think about it. I should be able to say those things about you, and you should be all right with it. If you aren't, then clearly the problem is yours. Now, not only are you different from me in the first way I pointed out, you are also not even courteous enough to think I am clever/right/superior!"

There is more, I just can't put it into words.

I know there's no sense in putting this all out there for HIM to read, because clearly I will just get more of the same. Actually, if I put that out there, the next thing he would do is probably start calling names like "feminazi" and "angry bitch," etc. "God, what is your PROBLEM?????" he would think. 

I think, it's just not worth the energy, and I'm going to delete him from my friends list. I just really don't like him anymore. I'm not sure I ever did.

"Uh, not so much"

Here's a direct quote from this fantastically misogynist article featuring pictures of celebrities (women) without make-up: "And some of them still look completely stunning without a stitch of makeup, and others ... uh, not so much ..."
How awesome is the self-named BeautyRiot Diva! How great that she wrote a blog entry showing famous women in their natural state, and proceeded to point out every line, pimple, spot, and other so-called imperfection on their faces. The secondary headline reads, "Madonna's greasy look." The photo shows Madonna wearing a baseball cap with hair that is clearly wet, not greasy, and the most logical assumption is that she just came from a workout at the gym, since THAT'S WHAT SHE DOES. In my world of middle-school teaching, this kind of thing is called bullying. Women have enough trouble in our patriarchal society without attacking each other in this manner. Most male celebrities wear make-up for their red carpet appearances and shows as well. They look just as different. Is there a male blogger somewhere posting pictures of men without their stage makeup and making snarky comments? Possibly. Is that type of thing featured on the Yahoo! home page? Certainly not. So, let's think of the general rule for deciding whether something is misogynist and/or sexist. Could you do the same thing with men without appearing ridiculous?
Click here to comment on BeautyRiot Diva's blog.

Frustration!!!!

I want out!! I want out of teaching!!! I can't do it another year! I don't even know if I can do it another week. I'm so fucking sick of being treated like shit. By the parents, by the administration, by the kids. All for the privilege of a $0.10 bank balance. So I am thinking of getting a roommate so I can pay my bills, and I am trying to picture life with a stranger here. I will have to give up a LOT. Such as: cleaning when I fucking feel like it, not when the house is dirty; walking around naked whenever I want, which is always; loud sex; laying around naked on the couch eating, watching TV and farting; basically, everything I enjoy about coming home. Get a roommate and lose my safe haven, so that I can keep the job that I need the safe haven from??? None of this makes any sense!

Linkage

I finally linked my blog on IBTP, so some of y'all feminists might come over here. Be warned. It's boring and stupid. I write about nothing except my struggles with teaching, money, and my bipolar disorder. Read further if you dare, but you WILL lose brain cells.

Looking Forward

It's the first week back at school after spring break. The first week back after a break is always difficult. The kids don't want to be there, I don't want to be there, and we're all exhausted by the time the end of the week rolls around. I have been taking a tiny bit of xanax in the mornings because otherwise I will be losing my temper and therefore control of the class. It's working so far.
We are about to have our final round of retention meetings. This is the time of year when we decide who we are actually going to retain, and we fill out the official paperwork. It's not so much fun, but necessary.
I have started donating plasma so that I don't have to get a roommate. I had no idea it paid so well! However, the last time I went in my blood was too thick, and it clotted. On top of that, I had an inept phlebotomy technician who did not place the needle properly in my vein. The result was a whole lot of wasted time and a huge bruise on my right arm because they were moving the needle around in there trying to get the blood to flow. Then I had to get stuck in the other arm! And still they only got half the plasma I usually donate. I still got paid, so who cares. The problem is I don't want to go again because the last time hurt so bad. I think I am going to tell them they need to get someone experienced to put the needle in, otherwise it's not going to go well.
I am getting ready to exercise for the first time in a long time. I set my alarm for 45 minutes earlier this morning, and I am bound and determined to get out there. My mental state is not good, and it isn't something that more medication will cure. I am feeling bad about myself because I'm so heavy right now, and the lack of exercise means less natural endorphins, which means my medication isn't as effective. This is something I need to fix myself instead of asking for more pills. This is one of the few things I have control over right now, and I know that just getting out there is going to make a huge difference in my mood. It's just so hard sometimes to put my shoes on and go.
My so-called relationship is at the breaking point. I feel as though I have to walk on eggshells to avoid arguments, and some weird shit went down yesterday that made me feel so unsettled that my stomach hurt. I got the key to my apartment back, and it's staying in the junk drawer where it belongs. I'd rather be single that have this much stress. I wish I could pick better men.
Here's to a great day! Thanks for listening, blog.

Oh the exhaustion

Recently my partner teacher and I split our classes. She took the top 15 students and I took the remainder. The good news is that 4 of our SPED kids went with her!! The bad news is I forgot how exhausting it was to teach SPED by myself 5 periods a day. So far the results are fantastic, and it is definitely enjoyable and rewarding. I love those kids to death. Bonus - I get to teach the kids who struggle with math but haven't been identified as SPED. So they get the instruction they need that if it weren't for the co-teaching, they would never receive. It makes their chances of improving their test scores and understanding increase greatly. But, it is truly exhausting. I feel I could sleep for 10 years. I am teaching at the community college this morning. After that I have an appointment with my shrink and then I need to go across town to get my computer and a new charger. After that I need to get some medicine for my daughter, who I suspect has an ulcer, because she is broke. She also needs some non-solid food to eat while the medicine takes effect. Luckily I got a community college paycheck that I didn't realize was coming, so I have the money to do it.
Yesterday I didn't teach. I had the day to write education plans for my SPED students. I am way far behind and definitely out of compliance as far as the law is concerned regarding these plans. I went to go in and finish a plan that I had started last month, and saw that the idiot department head at my school, who doesn't know how to write a proper plan, had re-written the entire thing so that it was completely out of compliance. I spent 2 hours re-writing and finishing it. Luckily I had printed a copy beforehand, so I didn't have to re-analyze the data. I was so pissed. I finished 2.5 plans. While I was working, 2 teachers emailed me to complain about my sub. I deleted and kept working. WTF? I should stop working and go take over because the sub is incompetent? Just because I am on campus? I don't think so. They absolutely refuse to let me work from home on these days, even though I could get twice as much work done. Idiots.
Another interesting thing that happened yesterday: I had analyzed the data for our 1st period math intervention classes following the most recent standardized test. The results were absolutely dismal. I met with the principal and one of the women from the district office who is supposed to help us get our school get its collective act together. There are 4 math intervention classes. Every student in the 4 classes fell far below the state standards in math at the end of testing last year. In other words, these kids have gaps in their understanding. They are not working at grade level and they need help. In January, I split the kids into four groups: falls far, far, far, far below; falls far, far, far below; falls far, far below; and falls far below. I used test scores to divide them up. (I have no special authority - I am not the department head and I don't lead in any assigned way. The principal let me take charge of this thing because I wanted to, and he knows everything I do is data driven.) When I analyzed the data, I found that the top two groups of kids had shown significant drops in their scores between the 2nd quarter and 3rd quarter benchmark tests. Almost all of the kids' scores went down. I'm talking about kids who were falling far below are now falling far, far, far, far below. In the bottom two groups of kids, the higher of the two groups showed a modest average gain in their scores. Half of those kids had increased their scores, and the other half decreased. The bottom group, which is my group, showed significant gains. Every single one of them. Now, this isn't about me, it's about the program I am using. The kids are the ones that did the work, not me. It's not about my teaching. It's a direct reflection of the effectiveness of this program that I learned how to use while working at one of the top districts in the state.
When I shared this data and my thoughts about what was happening, both the principal and the woman from the district reacted by telling me what a good job I was doing. I kept saying it's not about me, and the reason I am telling you this is because we need to get the other teachers to use this program because then we won't have to get these takedowns like we did on Wednesday. I don't know if they got the message. It's really frustrating. We can help these kids. We can fill in those gaps and get them up to grade level, or at least closer. It's such a simple program to follow. All the work is already done as far as the teacher's job. All the teacher has to do is administer. Time the drills, give the kids stars on their charts when they earn them, etc. EASY AS PIE!! If only I ruled the world.

It's rough out there!

It's crunch time - one more month before state standardized testing - and the stress is beginning to show. On the part of the district, we had the take-down on Wednesday. On the part of the teachers, there is much less tolerance for behavior issues. Students who disrupt instruction are being dealt with expediently. I've had more parent meetings the last few weeks than I have had all year. Different teachers take charge of setting up meetings, and usually the teacher who is having the worst time with the kid sets up the meeting. The meetings are almost always depressing. That's if the parents bother to show up.
We find out the kind of struggles families are having, during these meetings. We find out what kind of parenting is happening. We find out all kinds of yucky things. Usually the parents want to put the blame on the teachers. Typically, they don't bring the kid to the meeting, so we can't call the kid out on the way they are playing us against the parents.
Yesterday I found out that two of my students, a pair of twin boys, are preparing to move because their parents are losing their house. The twins have been acting up the past month or so. They have always been energetic, but now they are actually causing problems. How could they not - their safety net is being yanked out from under them.
Then, after school I had a meeting for a SPED kid. Out of 46 days of instruction, he has been present for 30. Mom just can't understand why he is failing. He is already at a tremendous disadvantage because of his learning disability. How can we teach him anything when he is absent at least 2 days out of every 5? Half the days he has been at school, he has been in ISS. And then we take heat from the parent. Nice, huh?
Meanwhile, another meeting was taking place in another classroom. This kid got hit by a car on his bike about a month ago and sustained a permanent injury to his neck. Since then, he has decided he doesn't have to do any work. He is a really good kid and he is also SPED. He has made so much progress this year, it's incredible. Now he is going backwards because something horrible happened to him and he doesn't know how to deal with it. I wasn't there, of course, so I will find out today what level of support we are getting from the parents, and whether there is a chance he can turn things around.
There are many more stories. They weigh heavily on our minds. As teachers, it is our instinct to want to make everything better for our students. It's a double-edged sword because there is so much in their lives that we can't help with. We just don't have that kind of control.
These things, along with three jobs, my mental illness, and trying to sustain a relationship with a man are crushing me. There are days when I think the relationship just has to go. I don't have time to pay attention to anyone when I get home. I don't want to talk. I want to sit and watch TV and eat. I'm just not a good partner.
There is nothing I can do about the 3 jobs. I have to keep all of them. In fact I need another one. I cannot make ends meet with things as they are. I feel really good about the fact that I am not using my credit cards and that my debt has been reduced substantially already. I've changed my lifestyle and I'm proud of that. I know that if I can just hang in there, and keep letting things work themselves out (which they always do, financially speaking) then my life will be much more enjoyable. The stress of work and relationships won't take such a toll because I will be relaxed about the money part. I won't have to work 3 jobs once my debt is paid off. If I stay focused on the outcome, I'm in a much better place! I can do that most of the time. Sometimes, especially when I've had a rough day at work, I just kind of sink down into thinking about the negative things. Especially the things that are happening with my students that I have no control over. It's just part of being a teacher. If I can be there for that kid, smile at them every day and be happy to see them, it makes their lives easier (I hope). There is a lot that I CAN do, and today, I'll try to stay focused on that.

Deja Vu, and not the good kind

Last year, about this time, the superintendent came to the school where I taught and read the staff the riot act. There were many thinly veiled threats to our jobs if our students didn't do well on the upcoming state standardized tests. The possibility of the state coming in and taking over the school was discussed... but the superintendent made sure we knew that he wasn't worried about HIS job; he said, "I have three board members in my pocket. You think I'm worried? YOU should be worried!" I kid you not - that is exactly what he said. And in a raised voice and none too pleasant tone.
The result of this badgering session was a lot of anger and frustration on the part of some of the staff. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. In the end, things went on as they had before, and the students did about as well as we all expected. The state didn't come in and take over the school, but the principal was reassigned somewhere else in the district, and many of the newer teachers, including myself, were laid off.
Yesterday, somebody from the district office came in and read the staff at my current school the riot act. I wasn't listening when the principal said his title. I don't know or care who he was. I know he is a higher-up - it was obvious from his arrogant demeanor and the disrespectful delivery of his message.
When he finished telling all of us what a shitty job we were collectively doing, and how a panel from the district office would be observing next week, and how we were going to go through a "solutions team" process so that we could stop doing a shitty job, he graciously took questions from the audience. I mean, the staff.
The reaction we gave him was very similar to the one the superintendent got last year from my former co-workers. Some of the staff was hurt, angry, and upset. Hands were raised and teachers were defending themselves, having been put on the defensive by the tone of his message. He didn't interrupt anyone, he made eye contact with whomever was speaking, and he nodded periodically to show that he was listening. However, there was no emotional reaction whatsoever. No body language, no facial expression, nothing to indicate that what he was hearing was at all of concern to him. And of course, it wasn't. He had come to do a job, and he had done it. The question-and-answer session was merely a courtesy to the staff.
I felt hurt and betrayed, and devalued and demoralized, and everything that I felt last year at this time. This year, however, there was a nagging little voice in the back of my head that was making some sense. This voice asked me a few questions:
"Who do you see getting angry and defensive and speaking up?"
"Who do you see just sitting there?"
Herein lies the problem with trying to defend the teaching profession. Those who spend time and energy defending the job they are doing and explaining why it is so difficult to be successful are the ones who do not need to defend their teaching. They are good teachers.
Those who just sit there are the ones who always sit there. They sit there during class time. They sit there during meetings. They sit in the room in which the district or principal requires them to be, and they sit there.
Those are the teachers that the asshats from the district are talking to.
There's a problem with this: Those teachers won't respond. They don't care.
They know there is a small chance they will lose their jobs. They know that this will only happen if the state actually does take over, which they won't, because the funding for that program was cut last year and it pretty much doesn't exist anymore.
They are union members. They are shitty teachers. They just sit there.
The same thing is happening in Wisconsin. The teachers protesting at the capital are the last ones that should be there. They deserve to keep their jobs and their benefits, because they are good teachers. They care. If they didn't, they wouldn't be protesting in the first place.
The unions need to go away. The collective bargaining needs to go away. It is only then that the asshats will be free to say to a teacher who is just sitting there, "You are part of the problem in this school. You aren't getting a contract next year." As things stand right now, they don't have the power to do that. They know that they will never be able to prove the level of incompetence that is required in order to fire a teacher. Nor do they have the time and the resources to gather the materials that would be necessary for such a thing.
My bottom line is this: I am a teacher. I go to work every day to teach. From now on, in those meetings, I am going to be one of the ones that just sits there. But it won't be because I don't care. It will be because I DO care, and I am saving my energy for my students.

Ok, maybe not!

So I took $50 out of my emergency fund to have enough money for my ACCC payment. Then I hid it and said the hell with it, my emergency fund is $950 and that's all I have to say about that. When everything comes out of my checking account I will have $0.65. I get paid on the 11th. I am tutoring today and I am really hoping that she will pay me when I leave her house because then I can go to the store and buy cheese. As you know, blog, cheese is my main food group. Yesterday I thought I had cheese in the refrigerator, so I spent my last few dollars on a can of enchilada sauce and some corn tortillas. I was going to make cheese enchiladas and MAN was I looking forward to them. Then, I got home and I didn't have cheese! I ate it and I don't even remember when. So I made spaghetti and tater tots instead. Don't worry, blog, I am not starving! I just really wanted those cheese enchiladas!
There is bad news. I did my budget worksheet and I am short $450 of the monthly expenses. I can't figure out what the hell is wrong. Well, that's not exactly true. All together, my payments on all of my debt are about the same as one paycheck. My rent is more than half of my second paycheck. That leaves less than half of one paycheck for all my utilities, car insurance, medical expenses, and food. I'm living on just my own salary now and the numbers simply do not add up. I'm thinking a 4th job isn't possible. I can't work on weekends because I teach at Pima some Saturdays. A night job isn't a possibility - I need more sleep than most and I would lose my tentative grip on sanity. So I don't know.
A little Wednesday Bitchery - when I watch the news coverage of the situation in Wisconsin, with the unions, I keep hearing about how public sector employees have these great benefits. It makes me see red. What great benefits? Seriously? Everyone who knows me, knows what I think about the teacher's unions. I haven't changed my mind. I want to be a teacher and I want my job performance to be evaluated based on how my students show growth in their learning. I don't want my job to be hinging on how many years I have been teaching. That doesn't make any sense. So I want the unions to go away. Right now with all this hubbub, the teaching profession is being absolutely demonized. So we're getting it from both ends right now. I truly do not understand where people get the idea that we make so much money for what we do and have these great benefits. I wish I could get 20/20 or Dateline or somebody to come and film my days for about a week. They could blur out everyone else's faces. I think it would help give the private sector a serious and bracing reality check regarding what teachers actually do, and how difficult it is to survive on teacher's wages.