Not going well.

It's a horrible thing to start the day with so much hate in my heart, so I am going to vent on my blog and hope like hell that gets it out of my system. It's so hard to be a patient, kind, and loving teacher when I feel like beating someone to a pulp.
I got my tax refund today, less the $900 I owed the IRS from a $400 mistake two years ago. After the penalties, interest, back-interest, etc. the $400 mistake ended up costing me more than $1,050.00. I have been making $50.00 payments since last summer, but the interest rate was so high that my payments barely made a dent. So, they took the balance out of my refund.
It is just so wrong. I haven't heard a single thing about the IRS cutting jobs. Those employees sit there in their recession proof offices and take money from people like me. They add as many penalties and fees to the debt as they possibly can. It is their JOB to squeeze as much money they can from my meager earnings. I don't know how they live with themselves. How do you justify spending your days taking money away from single parents who teach for a living? How can you possibly live with yourself, when your job as a tax collector is more valuable to our society than my job as a math teacher? I seriously think they are all in danger of burning in hell. They could be spending their time on the ENRON people of the country instead of near-poverty-level teachers. They could be working to close the loopholes that prevent G.W. Bush from paying less taxes, percentage wise, than I do. Oh, but he surely needs the money more than me.
It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I need that money to put away for this summer, when I will most likely be unemployed and looking for a job, once again. Today I am not proud to be an american.

Wednesday Bitchery

There are lots of really great things happening right now and only one not-so-great thing. Since it's still Wednesday, I can get some bitchery in! I have bronchitis. I have been sick for two freaking weeks. My lungs feel like they are on FIRE. So, I am taking tomorrow off work and staying in bed. all. day.

It's that time of year...

I dread this time every year. It's my least favorite week on the school calendar... third quarter parent conferences. Time to start thinking about who will be retained. Time to meet with parents who haven't been doing their jobs for years, and kids who haven't cared about their grades in years, and make them pay the piper. Ah, the wailing and gnashing of teeth! The excuses, the cop-outs, the laying of blame! In the end, it always comes out the same. I wish we could just cut to the chase. This is how it should go:

Teacher: You and your kid need to get it together or your kid is going to come back for another year.
Parent: Why is this the first I am hearing about this?
Teacher: It's not.
Parent: Why didn't anyone call me if little Johnny wasn't turning in homework?
Teacher: First, that isn't my job, and second, I did.
Parent, to child: Why aren't you doing your work?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Ok, so it looks like we're finished here. You have one shot: quit being a dumbass and buckle down for the next three months, and then we'll promote you because you are too big and we don't want you driving yourself to middle school. See ya.

Badda bing, badda boom. 3 minutes, we're done. Why the histrionics? Why the multiple opportunities for laying the blame elsewhere?
This is the week I hate my job.

Miss America!

Several people I know, one of which is a woman that I respect, is actually watching this annual misogynistic display of female stereotypical "desirable" traits. I want to tell her what I think. But I am not going to, because I think it would be unnecessary criticism.

I hate when I'm wrong.

The ultrasound on my thyroid gland came back normal, they said. It seems to me that the left side is still bigger than the right, even though my neck stopped hurting and the popping/clicking thing stopped happening. I am feeling better - I have been able to get out there and run again, although it still doesn't feel good like it used to. My muscles are fatigued after 2 miles, instead of energized. Maybe I didn't give myself enough time off after the half marathon.
At any rate, the doctor told me to keep a food diary, and even though it pissed me off, I did it. Then I found out that you can keep an electronic food diary on CalorieKing.com, and click on the foods you ate and it will count your calories for you. It also keeps track of what categories your calories fall into, your nutrients, and such. There is a fantastic bronze-to-gold medal type thing where you have to actually list your motivations and barriers, and sit and think about what you can do to make your motivators more powerful and your barriers less destructive. But I digress. You can get charts and graphs on this site as well, and what I saw was a bracing and sobering reality check. I eat too much food.
The three days after the half marathon, for example, my caloric intake was well over 3,000 per day. That's enough for a 300-lb woman to maintain her weight. The days before the half marathon, when I was not running because I was too tired or didn't feel well, and just trying to get through the day, my caloric intake is usually around 2,500. That's enough for a 250-lb woman to maintain her weight.
Could it be that I am actually tired because I'm fat, instead of being fat because I'm tired? Now, I'm not convinced that I am completely healthy. The low body temperatures, clumsiness, forgetfulness, and general fuzziness are very concerning to me. Those are not in my head. But if my bloodwork comes back normal, I am going to have to face the reality that I am over 40 and this is going to be my life. In that case, I really will have to increase my anti-depressant, because this is no life. At this moment, I have a burn from when I was cooking tortillas and set my arm down on the edge of the frying pan; and a 2-inch by 1/2-inch bruise on my arm in the exact shape of the side mirror on Jessica's car, from when I was walking towards the car and lifting my arm to avoid the mirror, but didn't quite make it. These are the injuries from last week alone. I trip, and lose my balance, and can't remember where I put things; I start to put the milk in my bedroom, and my eyeglasses in the fridge. I'm really scared that this might be my life. Twice last week I forgot to eat breakfast, which means I forgot to take my medications. Then I forgot to replace the extra one-day dose of meds that I keep in my purse, so the 2nd time I had to go home during my planning period to eat and take my meds.
So I am going back to the doc, to ask her to do bloodwork. I will tell her about the food diary and my realizations about my eating habits, and that I joined the website and will be keeping track of my progress and actively monitoring my eating and exercise. I will also tell her about what my life is like right now. Then I have about a week in between that and my next shrink appointment, so that if my bloodwork comes back normal I can talk to him about the situation and see what he thinks.
I really am scared.

You know what I think?

I think that doctors in general don't believe me when I say that I am a distance run/walker. I think that when I say I have done or am training for a half-marathon, they automatically filter that information out and decide I am full of it. After all, 220-lb women have no business talking about things like "race weight" and "training" and "long run." If they did, they wouldn't be 220 lbs, obviously.
So yesterday at my doctor's office, when I finished describing the difficulties I was having with my training, telling her that the half-marathon was this Sunday and I was kind of in a panic, she completely ignored that part of the discussion. She didn't give me any advice about whether or not it would be ok to try to complete the race. In fact, we didn't discuss my training at all. She treated me as if I were a regular old fat lady coming to complain about being tired and feeling achy, and advised me to exercise four times a week.
I'm sort of beside myself about this. By the end of the appointment I was battling with myself about whether or not it was going to be productive to tell her that she wasn't listening to me. In the end, I just decided to pay my co-pay and leave. I'll get the ultrasound on my thyroid and if it is enlarged, I will ask for a referral to an endocrinologist. I am certainly not going to leave that doctor in charge of my general well-being. Although I don't have any reason to think that an endocrinologist is more likely to believe that I am a distance runner/walker.

Wednesday Bitchery

I went to the doctor today for some pain I am having near my throat... not in my throat, but next to it. I am also tired beyond all reason, and fuzzy-headed, and just not functioning well. This has been going on for about a week. She looked up my chart because she doesn't know who I am (I don't see her very often, because I am healthy) and noticed that I have gained 15 pounds since I was last there. She felt my neck and then noticed the left side of my thyroid gland appears to be enlarged. So she ordered an ultrasound of my thyroid. I told her that the last time I had been in was last May because my parotid gland was infected after my first half-marathon. I told her I had been training for the PF Chang's this weekend, and that I hadn't run in a week and a half because I am too tired to get myself out there. I told her I had reached the 8-mile point in my training, at which point she said I might be overdoing it. She then proceeded to give me the following suggestions:
1. Exercise 4 times a week
2. Read and follow the diet tips she wrote herself (she used to be a size 12, holy cellulite, batman!)
3. Keep a food diary and bring it to my next visit
4. Talk to my shrink about increasing my dose of anti-depressant
5. See a personal trainer and/or start strength training in addition to cardio
Who the hell is the lunatic here? I went in there for pain next to my throat... I complained that I haven't been able to train for my HALF MARATHON in a week and a half because of the headaches and general malaise... we went over the fact that this would be my SECOND HALF MARATHON... so she notices my thyroid is swollen and then talks about my FOOD? And suggests I exercise 4 days a week for 30 minutes, when I just got done telling her I couldn't TRAIN?
Whatever.

The Pressure!!!

Yesterday I returned to somewhat of a hurricane at work. Three teachers are "no longer with us" - 2 of whom I knew weren't coming back, but another that was a complete surprise. The long-term sub across the hall from me, who was the 4th teacher to attempt to teach 7th and 8th grade science in that room, has been told that she is no longer needed. Then, one of the 6th grade math/science teachers moved in to that room?! In the middle of the school day?! The kids didn't do a lick of anything in that classroom. They just watched the sub reading a book and the 6th grade teacher moving in. The principal came into my room once, and then one of the assistant principals came in twice. The AP asked me why my boards weren't done (we have a host of things we are required to write on the board every day) and I said it was because I was going over test scores. Then she asked for my lesson plans and I told her I hadn't printed them out. (Really, I just hadn't done them.) So she asked what time I wanted her to come back! And what she meant was, GET IT DONE. NOW. So I got it done and she came back and I think everything is OK.
It was a shame because I was calling students up one at a time and talking about their test scores with them. I was showing them how they did on the second benchmark compared to the first, and then telling them exactly how far away they were from moving up to the next level. The kids were very responsive and many of them had a lot to be proud of. The thing that bothers me is that this wasn't something the administration could get behind. They don't care what is actually happening in my classroom... they just want the boards filled out and the lesson plans in the pocket where they are expected to be.
It's horribly disconcerting when teachers just appear and disappear like that. Especially when one is on a temporary contract. The hurricane stems from the fact that we have a "solutions team" coming this week. This is a group of people selected by the state to come in and see what our school is doing in order to make adequate yearly progress on our AIMS so we aren't a failing school anymore. Apparently things will be happening rather quickly following the "solution team's" solutions. Decisions will be made about who is staying and who is leaving, even amongst the administration.
So I'm feeling a little bit stressed... but I am just going to keep my head down and do what I do best, which is teach. We're doing some really fun stuff in 8th grade right now.

Colorado

Things I have learned about Denver so far:
1. There is quite a bit of traffic.
2. You can't drive on the 16th street mall.
3. The word "park" can be used to describe a strip of grass in front of a row of buildings.
4. The people are generally better looking and better dressed here than in Tucson.
5. It is important to have a south-facing house.

Goals

My students and I have been talking about goals. Before each benchmark test, the school wants us to sit with each student and have them set a goal for their next test score. The process of setting goals comes naturally to me because I was raised in a household where people set, and met, their goals regularly. Mom and Dad were always aiming toward something, and most of the time they got there. When they didn't, we learned about how to overcome adversity. It's part of our culture. My students, however, have a different experience. For their parents, a goal is having enough food to put on the table, or being able to take a day off from all three jobs at the same time. For these kids, setting goals has no meaning. They don't understand why the school wants them to say they want to do better on the next test. Of course they want to do better on the next test. What a stupid thing to have to do. They are missing a crucial element of setting goals, which is outlining what steps are necessary in order to meet the goals. They don't understand the fundamental concept that effort = achievement.
When I talked with my kids about their goals, I noticed that they were aiming for the moon. They all want to exceed, they say they will go to tutoring every single day and do homework every single night. They will study! They will pay attention in class! They will, in short, be perfect. They are saying what they think I want to hear. So, we started from scratch.
I shared my goal of a half marathon in January. I talked about the steps I would take to meet my goal. I asked if they thought I could do it... most of them said no. I showed them my medal from my last half marathon, and they were shocked... I said, I know I can do this because I already did it once. But that doesn't mean I have to work any less hard the second time.
Then we talked about adversity. I face some adversity... my weight, the weather, inertia, etc. We talked about what kinds of adversity they face when it comes to doing homework and studying. They don't have anyone to help them when they get stuck. There are a lot of more fun (read: illegal) things to do with their friends. They have to watch their little brothers/sisters/neices/nephews/cousins, etc. We talked about how there is no magic goal fairy that can make their dreams come true. If they meet their goals, it is because they worked their butts off to get there - just like if I meet my goal, it's because I worked my butt off to get there.
We all wrote down our goals. I wrote my goal on a corner of the white board. They wrote theirs down on paper. I collected the papers, and typed up the goals (so that nobody would know whose was whose) and hung them up on the bulletin board. We look at our goals every single day and think about whether we are taking the steps we need to take in order to meet them.
Then I made a deal with them. On days when I do my running, they are expected to do their homework. But if I skip my run, then I do not assign homework. They were all for it! I don't think they believed that I would do my part. I set aside a corner of the white board and every morning I write how far I went. Sharing my goal with my students was the best thing that has ever happened to my teaching, and my training. Every morning, some of those kids look at that white board first thing. Most of the time, they are surprised to see a number there. They always ask questions. How did it go? Was it hard? They encourage me. Miss, I can't believe you go every day! Miss, aren't you excited for your half marathon? Yesterday (every period, all day long) it went like this:

Miss, you ran this morning?
Yes, I did.
Does that mean we have homework?
No, it's benchmark testing week. You don't have homework.
Then why did you go?
Because I still want to meet my goal. Just because you guys are testing, that doesn't mean my half marathon isn't happening.
But wasn't it cold?
Yes, it was freezing. And the wind was blowing really hard.
Miss, what time do you have to get up to run?
I get up at 4:30.
WHY????
Because I want to meet my goal.

These are all different kids asking questions, so it's like a group discussion. They are so interested, it's really funny!
But yesterday, I had a really great opportunity to talk to one of my kids who struggles with math. After the discussion above, this is how it went:

But miss, I'm just not good with math. It's too hard. I've never been good at it.
Do you think I'm good at running?
No.
Do you think it's easy for me?
No.
Does that mean I can't do it?
(pause) No.
I can do it because I try. Just because something is hard for you, that doesn't mean you can't do it. It just means you have to work a little harder than other people. If you are determined, then you can do it.
But miss, I hate math.
Well, do you think I like running?
No. (Ok, a white lie.)
Do I do it anyway?
Yes.
Why?
Because you have a goal.
Right. Do you have a goal?
Yes.
Do you want to meet that goal?
Yes.
Then you need to be determined. You can do it, even if you don't like it and you don't think you are good at it. You can still do it.

He looked very pensive and kind of unhappy, so I'm pretty sure he was really listening and absorbing the concept of effort being directly related to achievement. I can literally SEE the difference in their work ethic ever since we had that talk about goals. I am getting WAY more homework handed in. Their grades are actually coming up.

Well, today is the big day - the math benchmark test. They are ready. I went to the store and bought fruit, pop tarts, granola bars, fruit snacks, popcorn, gum, OJ, and animal crackers. I told every one of them that if they are hungry when they get to school, they must come and get something to eat. I really shouldn't have spent that money but I could not help myself. The bills can kiss my ass. I have students to worry about. I'll buy fewer souvenirs in Denver. I'll figure it out. The kids might be hungry the rest of the year but dammit, they will be full for this test! Oh, it's so selfish. But I want them to see that they can do it. I'll do whatever it takes to get them there.

Wish us luck!

Ginger attacks??

This article makes me want to cry! I had not heard about the South Park episode where Cartman decides that redheads are genetically defective, evil beings and must be eradicated. He starts "Annual Kick a Ginger Day" and of course the cartoon leads to this stuff actually happening!

It's all down hill from here.

This is probably way TMI so read at your own peril.
The other day I sneezed, and lost control of my bladder a little bit. Not a big deal, as I was wearing a liner, but I was sufficiently horrified that I decided to exercise those bladder muscles, or whatever they are. So, every time I pee, I stop the flow and count to five, and do that five times. So yesterday I was in the staff bathroom, thinking I was alone in there. I did my thing, go, stop, go, stop, etc. When I was washing my hands, all of a sudden I hear somebody cough! I finished up and ran back to my classroom so that person wouldn't find out who I was. I wonder if they saw my shoes and knew anyway.

Good.

It's about damn time. The lousy AZ legislature has finally done something in support of the education reform we so desperately need. Seniority is no longer the deciding factor when it comes to who gets to stay and who gets a pink slip. Of course, the teacher's union is up in arms, saying that legislators who voted for this are not supporting public education. I beg to differ. Arizona's education policy has been the very definition of insanity for too long. Keep doing the same thing we've been doing, and expect better test scores. Keep doing the same thing we've been doing, and expect teachers to do their best to teach our kids. The human race has a tendency to opt for the most energy-conserving option. It is part of our evolution. When given the choice while teaching geometry to have a room full of kids sit quietly and work out of the textbook, or give them all rubber bands and geoboards for an activity, guess what most teachers choose? You got it. Guess which option is better for the students? You got it.
Finally, a teacher's pay will be based on how well they teach, not how long they have been teaching. Teachers should be held to the same standards, if not higher, than those of the rest of the workforce. Do a good job, get more money. Do a fair job, get to keep your job. Do a lousy job, go find another job.
I have to blog about it because I don't dare speak my opinion at work.

On the other hand...

Question: What makes a 200-lb woman finish a half marathon?
Answer: Sheer force of will.
I posted about will power, because I thought the article was interesting. Upon further reflection, I understand that I am still thinking that my problem with food is about will power. I am living proof that it isn't. If it was about simple determination, I would be at the weight my inner idiot thinks I should be. It just isn't about that. It is about a whole lot of other things that I am convinced science doesn't know about yet.
One of my co-workers had remarked on my grape powerade zero bottle at lunchtime yesterday, and asked me if it tasted good. I told her I was re-using the bottle so really it was diet cran-grape, but yes the powerade tastes good! Then my inner idiot felt the need to justify the fact that I was drinking powerade to begin with. I stopped myself before I started justifying, and instead I said, "You know, I need to drink that stuff after I run, so that my blood pressure stays up. I just still have a hard time thinking of myself as an athlete, even though I have done a half marathon." She gave me kind of a dumbfounded look, and said, "Yeah, you have to be really fit to be able to do that. I'm pretty sure you are an athlete." We both smiled and then went on with the conversation. But that was a really great, enlightening moment for me. Not because I didn't already know that stuff, and hadn't had that conversation before, with myself and with other people. That moment was different because I felt a sense of acceptance about the fact that I am an athlete.
I do find it curious that acceptance of this fact should be so difficult. I don't have a hard time calling myself a mathematician, because I do math all day, and who cares if it's at the middle school level. I don't hesitate to call myself a liberal, even in a room full of conservatives. It's about how I look at myself, not how I perceive the rest of the world sees me.
So in my world, why shouldn't it be possible that I am both "overweight" and and athlete? I'm really not even sure I am overweight. I think I am my weight. And, I'm an athlete.

you CAN improve your willpower!!

...or so says Discover Magazine. There was an article in a recent issue about willpower and how there is a mental reserve of something that helps you set aside energy for other tasks, like finding something else to do besides eat halloween candy. It's the same energy, according to them, that is responsible for willpower. The trick is to do things that require effort of will, like brushing your teeth or eating with your non-dominant hand. So, if this is true, then with practice you can become better at resisting your vices.

Misc and sundry

Wow, I haven't posted since September! Not that it matters - I think this is more of a diary than a blog. And, I have mostly been posting on my training blog.
I am planning our Christmas trip to Colorado. I typed up our itinerary, bought tickets, and reserved motel rooms yesterday. So far, this is what we are doing:

Saturday, December 19th
9:00 a.m. Departure for Truth or Consequences, NM
2:00 p.m. Arrival Geronimo Springs Museum
3:00 p.m. Departure for Albuquerque, NM
5:30 Arrival at Ambassador Inn One
6:30 Departure for River of Lights

Sunday, December 20th
10:00 a.m. Departure for Marianne’s House
5:00 p.m. Arrival at Marianne’s House

Monday, December 21st
11 a.m. - 7 p.m. Denver Christkindl Market

Tuesday, December 22nd
1:00 Denver Museum of Nature & Science
Black Holes: The Other Side of Infinity 1:30 p.m.

Wednesday, December 23rd
12:00 p.m. Denver Mint

Thursday, December 24th
Bake Christmas Cookies!

Saturday, December 26th
10:00 a.m. Departure for Albuquerque, NM
7:00 Arrival at Ambassador Inn

Sunday, December 27th
10:00 a.m. Departure for Home

It's a little neurotic, I know, but I planned so many things I had to make sure that I didn't overdo it and didn't plan too many things for one day. So we are stopping at a museum 4 hours or so into the drive. I thought the name of the town Truth or Consequences was so funny, we could not possibly drive by without stopping. That evening, we are having dinner and seeing the River of Lights in Albuquerque. This is a light display at their botanical gardens. It sounds spectacular!
In Denver we're going to do lots of different things. The Christkindl market is the local park dressed up as a German Christmas town. There will be lots of German and other European food and crafty things. It sounds awesome. I am really excited about touring the Denver Mint to see how the coins are stamped out and such. I love traveling! It's a shame we can't do it more often. It's really expensive though.
I am thinking that Marianne and maybe even Chris will have an awful time going to work instead of playing hooky and coming to our adventures with us.

Speaking of traveling, I am applying for a fully funded trip to Costa Rica next summer. It is for teachers and it's sponsored by Toyota. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

It isn't just black people thinking it...

This post really resonated with me this morning. Rep. Wilson's outburst during President Obama's speech really bothered me. The first thing I thought when I read about it on the news was, "This would have NEVER happened to a white president." In her post, Ms. Mitchell says that most African-Americans are thinking that racism is behind Wilson's outburst. It isn't just the African-Americans. There are some of us who know racism when we see it, regardless of the color of our own skin. I'm glad Jimmy Carter said it out loud.

Rat Poop

My new job is to take over for a math teacher that has been moved to an instructional coaching position. She has been in the same classroom for 10 years. Teachers, probably more than in any other occupation, accumulate stuff. Books, manipulatives, posters, calculators, magnets, ... stuff. This particular teacher seems to have had a problem throwing things away. Even broken things. In the classroom there is a tall cupboard with shelves, like a pantry. Today after school I was trying to get it cleaned out. (This teacher keeps telling me she is going to come and move the rest of her stuff, and nothing has moved an inch.) So I started at the top, cleaning out and organizing things. There is a Toshiba laptop with all the cords and a nice bag. There is a broken stereo speaker and a bag of unidentifiable, miscellaneous cords. There are paper bags, grocery bags, gift bags, garbage bags. Napkins, random plastic utensils, a razor blade. You get the idea. It hasn't been cleaned once. I got to the bottom shelf and was digging out paper bags when I got to some that had been chewed. I could actually see the little rat teeth marks. Very cautiously, I knelt down and peered in to discover droppings. I got a paper towel to swipe out the remaining garbage, fully expecting a rat to jump out at me. Fortunately, all I found was two boxes of VHS tapes from roughly 15 years ago, one of which was actually glued to the shelf with rat piss. HANTA VIRUS!!!! my brain is screaming. But I can't stop cleaning it... nobody else is going to do it and now that I know it's there, how can I live with it?? So I sprayed on a LOT of the industrial strength cleaner that was also in the closet, and let it soak. The stains didn't come out.... ugh.

Forced growth

Part of me thinks that all of this is happening because if my daughters and I are not forced to separate, we never will. And that can't be healthy for any of us.

What is wrong with this picture?

I have to get all this out somewhere and I guess that's why I have a blog. I crunched some numbers yesterday and found out that the 7th graders I taught last year showed the biggest single increase over their previous years' scores at that school since the 2004-05 school year. Their scores increased by an average of 16% over their 6th grade scores. And I only had 2 quarters to teach them before the AIMS test. It escapes me how nobody from the district is looking at the data and saying wait, what is happening here? I taught the majority of the 7th graders... I had four very full classes and the other 7th grade math teacher had 3 smaller ones. I am thinking of writing an email to the superintendent asking why I can't get a job in TUSD and why they went out of state to hire highly qualified math teachers, and ignored the one right in their backyard.
Today I sent an email to the entire family outlining my plan for what will happen if I don't have a job by the end of August, which is about a week and a half away. I've been in bed for the last three days. My youngest daughter is vomiting every morning before school. My oldest hasn't smiled in days. I think we're all doing our crying in private... trying to be strong for each other, I guess.
I am trying to count my blessings. I have a supportive family who won't let us be out on the street. We are all healthy. I will be able to get my master's degree even if I don't find a job. The oldest daughter's college is almost completely paid for with scholarships and grants. My credit isn't ruined... yet. There is bound to be something great waiting for us at the end of this long night. So I just keep praying.