Is it just me?

I chaperoned a school dance yesterday after school. This is a middle school, so the youngest kids there were about 10 years old, and the oldest around 13. I must be getting really old, because I was (and still am) horrified at what I saw and heard. The girls all learned how to dance watching MTV and VH1, so when they weren't shaking what they have of chests, they were swinging their little booties back and forth like they meant business. Some of them danced exactly like the girls in the hip-hop videos. It's bad enough to see grown women doing these things. It's very disconcerting to see a ten year old do it.
I don't know if my principal is completely clueless about music or if she just decided to ignore it. The DJ played "Promiscuous" (I can see you with nothing on, feeling on me before you bring that on) followed by SexyBack (I’m bringing sexy back, Them other fuckers don’t know how to act, Come let me make up for the things you lack, Cause your burning up I gotta get it fast) followed by London Bridge (I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho (Oh, snap), 'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go! (Oh snap)) and many more. Is it just me, or is this completely inappropriate? The other teachers didn't seem to think anything of it. If it were a high school, it might be ok, but I wonder if the parents of these 10 year olds know what they are hearing?

I got help!!

The school finally hired a special ed teacher. He is going to team teach the three special ed math classes with me! HOORAY!! He just started yesterday, but already my life is so much easier. I have only been working 8 1/2 hour days! Right now he is observing and getting to know the kids. He seems to have a really good knack for seeing what needs to happen and then just doing it, which is just unbelievably nice. I have to be careful not to steamroll over him though. I have a way of doing that.
Other random thoughts:
Today I assigned my 7th graders the odd problems. I forgot they don't know what odd numbers are.
I was emailing a guy who responded to my ad for a dance partner. We decided to go ahead and meet, so I gave him my cell phone number. He proceeded to call me (for the first time) close to midnight on Saturday. WTF? There went that idea.
I haven't had any responses to my online dating profile in weeks.
My oldest daugher and the boy with facial hair have already broken up and got back together. LORD.

but it's my JOB to torture you!!

My older daughter has a new boy in her life. It's the BOY WITH FACIAL HAIR. He is a senior and his grandparents bought a car for him to use. She wants him to be able to drive her around. (Geez, Mom, that's what boyfriends DO!! What is your PROBLEMUHHHHHH!!!) I told her that when he convinced me that he was a good driver, then I would allow him to drive her. She wanted me to tell him how to do that, and I refused for a day or so, and then finally had mercy on them. I asked her how she knew what kind of driver I was, and she said because she has been in the car with me. There ya go, I said. She got this incredulous look on her face. (Really, it was quite funny.) She said, "You mean you want him to DRIVE YOU AROUND??" I asked her how else I would know whether or not he was good at it?
So the young man wanted to do this after volleyball practice last night. I told him where to drive, and I sat in the back seat while the two of them sat in the front. Then I proceeded to bombard him with questions the whole time he was driving. "Where are your parents? You live with your grandparents? Why? Where did you move here from? Do you have a job? Where are you planning on going to college? Who pays for the insurance? Who pays for the gas? Have you had any accidents? What about tickets?"
He copped to one speeding ticket, which was good because if he told me he didn't have any I would have assumed he was lying. He went exactly five miles per hour over the speed limit. He used his turn signal and drove very well in spite of my interrogation. All in all, I was impressed. He did answer his cell phone twice while driving, which I could not let go without comment. I threatened him with bodily harm should she ever be injured because of him being careless. I gave him a little speech about how he can't possibly understand what it's like as a parent to allow your child's life to be put in someone else's hands. In the end, I gave him permission to drive her around IF she calls me first to tell me where they are going and then calls me when they arrive.
Seriously though, it's all I can do not to run around waving my arms and screaming for all of this madness to just STOP. I had another talk with her tonight, because tonight he is driving her home from their weekly school social at the local coffee house, and told her that if she EVER feels like she is in an unsafe position (he's had something to drink, he got high, she decided he's not a safe driver, whatever) that she can call me and I will not say a word about anything. I will just come and get her, no questions asked. I won't demand she stop seeing him, I won't say a word about any of it. I gave her my word and I really hope I can live up to it, if that ever happens.

true.com = dirty old men

I filled out a profile at True.com because they had a free 7-day trial offer. What could it hurt? WELL. Let me tell you. First of all, when I filled out my profile, the next thing they wanted me to do was take a compatibility test. Not at all unusual for a dating website. That's how they make the claim that they will use scientifically based methods to find your "true love" or "soul mate" or whatever they like to call it. The next thing they wanted me to do was take a sexual compatibility test. Huh?? I didn't do it, because I am not looking to sleep with these people, I just want to MAYBE date them.
So, over the next few days I received six "winks." The Rules say not to respond to winks, because all it takes is a click and does not show enough interest on the part of the man. I agree. The trouble was when I looked at who was sending me the winks. One lived in a different city. Another lived in a different state. The rest were all over 55 years old. EWWW! One of them was 61!! WHAT THE HELL? I am 37 years old!! What the HELL would I want to do with a freaking dirty old man who is older than my father?? :::shudder:::
Thankfully, when I called to cancel the account, they did not hassle me at all. That is a redeeming feature in my opinion. All the guy did was offer me a free month, and I said listen, it's not about the money. I'm so grossed out right now. The men who show interest are my dad's age.
He just kind of chuckled and cancelled my account without another word.
*sigh*

School Shootings

What is happening in our schools? The recent increase in violence at schools by non-students and non-faculty is stunning and frightening. As a teacher, I read articles like this and I am actually fearful about going to work. As a parent and as a teacher, I wonder why this issue is not at the forefront of the next board meeting? What is being done to protect my children? What is being done to protect me?
I believe there is a connection between the violence in schools and the shift in public attitude about schools in general. I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard "Those that can, do. Those that can't, teach." This during a conversation about why my job is or is not important, and people have not quoted that to me once, but several times. Another good one is, "What kind of person would take a job that pays so low? It tells me you can't get anything better." A parent said that to me during a discussion about sports at our school.
I grin and bear it, and figure that people just don't understand my job or why I love it. I am starting to think that those kinds of comments are just the peaks of a mountain of ignorance and disrespect toward schools in general.
Maybe people in all service jobs have to put up with this, and maybe I am reacting out of sheer ignorance because I am new at the job. But how does it occur to an angry madmad to take out his grudge on school children?
How does it occur to angry teenagers that the best way to show the world who they are is to kill their classmates?
How does it occur to a student angry about a disciplinary action that killing the principal is the best option?
Since 1997, there have been 21 episodes of school violence. That averages out to just over two incidents per year. Statistically, the chance of something happening at my school or my kids' school is astronomically low. Here's the thing: As a teacher, I can point out the wacko kid who is most likely to show up with a gun and start shooting. I can refer you to the angry-at-the-world parent who is frightening to be around and probably carries a gun, but has every right to come on campus whenever he wants because his kid is in one of my classes. What can I do about these situations? Absolutely nothing. I could try referring the student to the school psychologist, who is there about three days a week because we share her with another school, and who is so busy with the anti-bullying program that is mandated by the district that she rarely actually sees students of concern. Even if she made time to see him, she has to tell his parents that she is doing it, and they have the right to refuse to let him see her. I can let my administration know about my concerns with this or that parent, but it's nothing they haven't heard and don't already know.
So what do I do? I practice lockdown procedures until I know them backwards and forwards. I lock my room after school hours. I pray. I wish I knew what to do to make this situation better.

Holy cow, I'm busy!!

How exciting! I have a date Monday night, my oldest daughter's volleyball game (she's the captain of the team) Wednesday night and then I'm taking the kids to a Halloween show at Old Tucson after that, then Thursday I check in to a fancy schmancy hotel for a leadership conference that lasts until Sunday morning. Sunday evening I have a possible tango lesson as it appears I have found a willing partner! (He's quite handsome to boot!)
So, I have only one night this week to sit at home on my arse. I better enjoy it. I bet I will enjoy the tango lesson and the pool at the fancy schmancy hotel even more. Isn't life grand!

I can do this!

I did not hear back from the musician. He must have taken a closer look at my profile and saw the part that says "body type: curvy." Now, that is a huge assumption on my part, but I do have some experiences on which to make that assumption. The vast majority of men who are dating online will stop reading a woman's profile when they get to the "body type" section unless it says trim, athletic, etc. I wonder if these men realize that they are reducing their chances of finding a date by about half. I doubt they care. I understand why there is such a problem with saying in your online profile that you are overweight, because so many people lie. I have met men who list their body type as "a few extra pounds" and in person they are unquestionably "large." So if these same men read my profile and it says "curvy," they probably read: FAT. And while I am overweight, it is never as much of an issue in person as it is online. I get hit on regularly in real life, so I know I am not unattractive. Either way, if that is all it takes for Mr. I'm Too Good For You Fat Chicks Musician to not write me back, his loss. I'll just keep telling myself that until I believe it.
To assuage my wounded ego, I decided to take up dancing. I am in the process of finding a partner. I am going to start with Salsa or Tango, I think. I found a wonderful event calendar online with all kinds of things to do, and if I am not busy with dates, then I will just make myself busy with other stuff. I just need to get out there!

Trying not to hope....

I eventually had one match from the speed dating, so there goes my freebie. Then the match didn't email me. *sigh*
The good news is I continue to receive a couple of contacts per week. Some of them are called "eye contacts" which I don't respond to, per The Rules. Except there was this one whose message in the eye contact was "I think you're hot!" and he is a musician who holds a day job, and loves sushi, and etc. So I broke the rules and sent him a message. All it said was, "Thanks. Do you have a photo?" because he doesn't have one on his profile, and The Rules say if he isn't willing to send it to me, then he's POOF!
He wrote back last night and gave me his home email address, and said he would love to send me his picture. So, I am chomping at the bit to write back, but I am counting down the MANDATORY 24 HOUR WAITING PERIOD. These rules can be very tiresome. Now, tell me honestly, which reeks more of desperation: writing back at 6:30 a.m., which is only 8 hours later than when the message was sent, but is your regularly scheduled email time; or, waiting until 10:00 at night, when I am normally fast asleep, and THEN sending an email, just so I can wait 24 hours to respond??
Well, I am going to continue to follow the rules, and if I'm not awake this evening then I will write back tomorrow morning. Supposedly, the longer I take to write back, the more I am a "mystery woman" and he will be waiting and wondering what I am doing in the meantime. What if he just thinks I'm not interested? The book assures me that won't happen.
Oh, the humanity!!!

Fine, I didn't like you either

Speed dating was fun. There were 9 guys in all, and 8 women because one didn't show up. The women were assigned a table, and we sat and talked for 6 minutes at a time. When time was up, the coordinator would ring a bell, and the guys would get up, fill out their match form, and then move to the next table. On the match form, you put the guy's name next to his badge number and then there was a little space to make notes about him. Then you circled "let's talk" or "no thanks" and that was it! Later, you go into your account online, and the coordinator has put the event link there so that you click on it. Then all of the guys show up on your screen, and you click "yes" or "no." They email your matches to you. You have three days to put in your scores, so then 5 days after the event you get a final email. If you don't have any matches, then you can go to the next speed dating event for free. Which it looks like I'll be doing, because nobody picked me!! WAAAAH!!!

Speed Dating is tonight. I don't know what to wear. I had thought I would buy a new shirt, but I've run out of money. Some of the clothes in the back of my closet, my "skinny" clothes, are starting to fit again. Maybe I can find something there. I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing.
Meanwhile, this last week of work is positively ENDLESS. I can't believe it's only TUESDAY. My students have a hard time believing that they have to actually work this last week. They think since next week is vacation, they should get to take it easy this week as well. I keep telling them, that's the kind of thinking that makes Americans FAT AND LAZY!! But they just look at me like I am a nut case, which I probably am. So then I say, get to work.

Dating

Date Zero went off exactly as planned. It won't work out with this guy, but that is practically incidental. The important thing is successful new behavior. Maybe doing the "rules" works a little too well... he has emailed me 3 times since Friday and wanted to get together yesterday. A few red flags: He has extremely limited contact with his daughter, no overnight visits at all; he told me I was his "last chance" at dating; 3 emails since Friday?! Yeah, not so much.
Speed Dating is tomorrow night. I'm pretty nervous about it.
This is my last week of work before the three week break. Now there's something I can get excited about!

Conferences, Year 2

Date Zero has been rescheduled for Saturday night. I really feel like a snob when I say this, but I am not sure about dating someone whose work schedule changes. Is that terribly snooty?
Yesterday was the Very Long Day of teaching, the first day of parent-teacher conferences. It happens twice a year. I hate it. I absolutely loathe it. There are not strong enough words to convey my feelings of animosity toward it. I can't think of another career where one is expected to 1) work a 12 hour day, twice a year, for free, or 2) open oneself up for scrutiny by people who have no idea about the daily workings of the job.
Yes, parents need to know how their kids are doing. But parents don't see conferences as an opportunity to find out how their children are doing. Nor do they respect me enough to just sit and listen and take my word for it about how their children are doing. Parents look at conferences as an opportunity to tell me what they think about how I am doing my job. I am a captive audience, for 20 minutes (if they are polite enough to stay within their time zone, and IF they show up on time, which is a big IF) and I find that they are less interested in how their child is coming along in their education than how they can most effectively use that 20 minutes to badger me about my discipline/make up work/testing policies.
Anyway, after today it will be over until the 3rd semester. Really, it's enough to make me think about quitting teaching every time I go through it. Maybe after I have been teaching a few more years, it won't bother me so much.

What do you mean your work schedule changed??

Date Zero cancelled. My books don't tell me anything about how to handle that.
My complete and utter exhaustion turned out to be a cold in the making. It's getting worse every day. Saturday there was a little tickle in my throat. Sunday I was nasally. (is that a word?) Yesterday it was a little cold. Today it's a big cold. UGH!! And I have playground duty this morning, and it's raining, just to top it all off.
By the way, my regular ed kids did fantastically well on their testing. My special ed kids did about what I expected. They don't test well.

Date Zero

When dating online, if one is following the rules, one doesn't waste time online. One wants to use the online service as merely a mechanism to meet live, real people. This is one of the (many) mistakes I made in my past attempts. If the man has not asked me out in 4 emails or less, Poof! he's gone. They call the first meeting "date zero" since it is the first meeting and can't be considered an actual date. So I have scheduled my first date zero. I am compelled to remind myself that I am doing things differently, and doing it in writing just firms it up for me!
Ways this date zero is different from all my past date zeros, which I didn't even know were date zeros:
1. I know it's a date zero.
2. He contacted me first, and he asked me for the meeting.
3. He is planning the meeting and paying for everything.
4. Date Zero won't even happen unless he calls to confirm.
5. I will leave his name, number, and every other scrap of information I know about him with my safe person.
6. I will tell my safe person what time I will be home, and that I will call her immediately upon my arrival, and if I don't, she is to call me.
7. The meeting will last no longer than 2 hours.
8.I will end the meeting, not him.
9. I will not talk to him between now and then other than to confirm.
So that's the plan. It's very, very different from before! And so much easier! All I have to do is show up and look cute!
I also signed up for speed dating next week. HA!! I get a kick out of it every time I think about it.
Meanwhile, it is the dreaded week of parent-teacher conferences. Oh, how I hate them. HATE them. We are doing student led conferences, where supposedly the kids do the talking and explain to their parents how they earned their grades. You would think this would make my job easier, but it doesn't.

Rules for Dating Online

So I bought a couple of books yesterday to educate myself about dating. Since what I have done in the past did not work, I need new behavior to replace the old behavior, and the only way I know of to get new behavior is to read about other people's successful behavior and then emulate it. Does that make sense? One of the books is called Stop Getting Dumped. It's hilarious and chock full of good stuff, like the reasons why I should NEVER ask a man on a date.
"I know this may be a hard one to swallow, but here it is: The truth is, any man, no matter how shy, will muster the courage if he truly wants to ask you for a date. If he's shy, it might take him a while, but it will happen eventually. If it doesn't, he doesn't really want to date you."
That makes sense to me. Especially in light of my past experience. Being the woman and being the aggressor does not work. It has failed me every single time. So that's one of the new things I am going to do.
The other book I bought is called The Rules for Online Dating and it's by the same women who wrote the original "Rules" for dating. Some of the stuff I am doing doesn't make sense to me, like cutting down my online profile to the bare minimum (they say it will keep me mysterious) and keeping my response emails to two or three light, breezy sentences. But, like I said before, this is new behavior so it's bound to feel uncomfortable at first.
Since I don't feel doomed to repeat my past mistakes anymore, I am actually excited about my decision to start dating again. I guess time will tell...

Rules for Dating

I am ready to start dating again. I have made this decision after a lot of thought and some work on myself and my attitudes about men. These are some things I have to do in order to be successful at dating:
1. Put my best self forward. I know what my best features are, and I need to make them work for me.
2. Put the past where it belongs - in the past. Be willing to give men the benefit of the doubt and stop projecting my past mistakes into the present company.
3. Allow room for imperfection. I am not perfect, and it's unfair to expect anyone else to be either.
I signed up for a speed dating event for single parents in my age range. We'll see how it goes. I'm pretty excited about it!

Title Goes Here

Yesterday I opened up my cell phone and a post-it note fell out of it. It was from my youngest daughter. It said, "I'm so fat I want to kill myself. Please will you ask the doctor for diet pills?"
I don't even know where to begin to freak out. The suicide threat? The fact she thinks pills are the answer? How about that she eats junk all day and then complains about her weight? Now, part of this has to be chalked up to her personality. She is a drama queen. Everything is an emergency with her. Also, it is not unusual for a teenager to ignore their part in things. However, I have tried to teach this child about personal responsibility since the day she was born. In the end, I decided the best thing to do was to sit down and have a talk with her.
Meanwhile, also yesterday I left work early to take my other daughter for a physical so that she can play volleyball. I had made an appointment with her regular pediatrician, but she didn't want to wait for that appointment. She wanted me to call this list of clinics and get a sooner appointment. So I did, and yesterday we were right on time for the appointment. We waited. And waited. And waited.
We were there for 2 hours and 45 minutes before we finally got the stupid paper filled out. I dropped her off at volleyball practice, and went straight home instead of going to work out. I was hungry, tired, and annoyed, so I skipped my workout. Great.
Meanwhile the younger daughter had a dance at school she wanted to go to, and her friend's mom came and picked her up, and she was already gone by the time I got home. I fell asleep before she got here because I'm still completely exhausted (maybe I had better get my thyroid checked again?) and the bottom line is that I did not so much as exchange words with her yesterday. This after she left a suicide threat in my cell phone.
I ate dinner when I got home and then an hour or so later I went to pick up the older daughter from practice. She is supposed to call when she's ready, and practice ends at 7:30, and it was 7:45, and she still hadn't called. So I drove over there. She was sitting on the curb, talking to a BOY WITH FACIAL HAIR. He is a senior I think... he has a car, and he came to watch the volleyball practice. And she didn't call me to come get her because she was talking to him.
She didn't get mad at me for coming to get her but she acted like I had caught her doing something wrong. She certainly didn't volunteer any information, but she answered my questions about why he was there and kept asking me what was wrong, and was I mad. I couldn't answer her because I didn't and still don't know why I am so heartbroken. Is it that she doesn't choose to share her life with me? Is it that she would rather sit on the curb than come home? Is it that she is slipping away from me, and will be gone for good in another two years? That's probably it.
I can feel my heart splitting in two.

Complete and utter exhaustion

Maybe I'm coming down with something. Maybe it's because the end of the quarter looms upon us and I'm ready for the 3 week break. Maybe it's aftereffects of only working out once last week. Probably it's the crappy food I've been eating. I'm so tired I just want to cry.
I have been really stressing about the testing coming up. I feel confident that I've been doing an OK job of teaching my special ed students. I can see their academic growth, and there is an even distribution of grades in my gradebook. I'm fearful, though, because I keep thinking that SE students don't typically test well, and what will happen if the scores come back and nobody has shown any progress? What if we haven't really accomplished anything, and it's all just been optimistic thinking on my part? Yikes. I remember doing this to myself last year with the regular ed kids I was teaching, and all that worrying was for nothing. I'll just have to keep the faith and quit obsessing. I'm so ridiculous sometimes.

Dear Bo Derek,

You have somehow convinced Congress that they need to spend time on this ridiculous parody of celebrity activistm. Let's just review:
"It's handwritten letters that still affect our representatives. Congressman [John] Spratt [D-S.C.] said it's the — what did he call it — the butterfinger letters. He said, "It's the letters you can see a housewife maybe sat down and had butter on her fingers, and there are smudges on a handwritten letter." And he said that those letters will still affect his vote more than anything, more than any lobbyist. "
First of all, you are in need of a serious and bracing reality check if you think any of those white males in congress are actually taking you seriously. When they look at you, what they see is you in your cornrows, breasts bobbing, jogging on the beach in "10." Or, they might see your latest "work," you in full makeup and tight clothes having a catfight with Morgan Fairchild. I can almost hear their thoughts: "Oh, look at the pretty celebrity. She wants us to talk about horses. Well, it won't hurt to humor her."
Can you imagine what you might have chosen to do with all of the time and money you have managed to squander with this "cause"? There are children, actual human beings, who do not have enough food to eat in this country. They don't have decent shoes to wear to school. Speaking of school, there are thousands of schools in our country, full of actual human beings who could benefit from just a fraction of the taxpayer money you are wasting on talking about horses. They don't have enough paper or pencils to go around, and they are using textbooks that were published 20 years ago. How many textbooks could have been bought with the taxpayer money Congress will waste when they begin their session, and spend taxpayer time and money on the floor talking about HORSES??
What's next after horses? Are you going to take on the beef industry? Pick up the clue phone, Bo... humans are mostly carnivores. They like to eat meat. You saw what happened to Oprah when she took on the cows, and you don't have anywhere near the starpower she has.
Is it too much to ask that you pick a real cause? It literally made me sick yesterday to see you being interviewed by George Stephanopolous (by the way, George, I doubt I will ever watch your show again) and getting all misty-eyed about people eating horses. We've got a war going on. Human beings right here in your country are losing their sons and daughters by the thousands. The Gulf Coast is still devastated; people there still don't have homes or jobs to go back to because they can't get any help from the government. And you choose to spend your time and money, and my taxpayer time and money, talking about horses? Why don't you go get a manicure or something, and stay the hell out of politics.

A Truly Defining Moment

I took on the job of teaching the 8th grade special ed math class. Now I am teaching math to all of the special ed students in the school, along with two classes of regular 7th grade math.
Teaching the SE kids is different from teaching the regular ed kids. Every day I learn new ways of relating to them and understand a little bit more what they need in order to be successful. Little things like making the first few math problems on the worksheet easy enough for everyone to do, so that they have some confidence as a group, are crucial. They have low expectations of themselves and they are quite accustomed to adults around them having low expectations as well. Their first few weeks with me are hellish. I force them to rethink their beliefs about themselves and others. I force them to use manners, be kind to each other, and write their name on their paper. In the regular world, these things are no big deal. But in my world, some of these kids have been treated for their entire lives as though they are not capable of writing their name on their paper, or being kind, or polite. They think I'm mean. They make fun of me behind my back and complain about me to anyone who will listen.
There are times when I doubt myself. I wonder if I am being too hard on them. My feelings get hurt when I hear them making fun of me. I wonder if I made the right life choice to be a teacher, and especially if I am cut out for teaching SE. Then there are times when I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing. Last week in 8th grade we learned how to solve one-step equations with fractions in them. My greatest gift as a teacher seems to be that I can boil even the most complicated things down to a few simple steps. I taught them how do solve equations over the course of four days, and on the fifth I gave them problems to do on their own. One student in particular believes to his very core that he is worthless. He knows he is not allowed to talk about that in front of me, and I have made it very clear that I disagree with his view. On that fifth day of solving equations, I stood behind him while he solved an equation. (Ok, I might have talked him through a step or two.) He got to the end, and he had the right answer. I said, "Good job." He paused for a moment, and then gave me a shocked look.
"You mean that's IT??"
"That's it. You did great."
I began to walk away, and I heard him talking to himself in amazement. He said, "I am smart. I am smart. I got my dad's brain!" He proceeded to work hard, alone, for the rest of the period, solving equations and feeling VERY good about himself. That in and of itself is a small miracle.
There is no amount of money, no award or official recognition, no praise from any outside source that could measure up to those moments. It was a small victory for one child, but it made all the difference in the world to me. At least for today, I have no doubts at all!